Paul Harvey........good day

On Friday night I signed off my radio show on KABC at 7:00 and was followed by Paul Harvey News and Comment. It wasn’t actually Paul Harvey, it was someone filling in for him doing a woeful impression. But I drove away feeling very proud that I was on the same radio station as the great Paul Harvey.

Paul Harvey passed away on Saturday. He was only 90.

I’m sure there will be tributes galore the next few days. They will talk about his influence. For almost 60 years he broadcast on the ABC radio network. At one time he was heard on over 1200 radio stations. They’ll praise the uniqueness of his delivery. They’ll all end their pieces with … “And now you know the rest of the story” thinking that no one else thought of that.

But they’ll probably overlook the one attribute that I think was his real genius. Paul Harvey was the greatest salesman that ever lived. I used to listen to him every chance I got, not for the news, not for the profile of the guy who invented leotards, but for the commercials. He was absolutely spellbinding. He made every product sound like something you just had to have. He was so convincing even I went out and bought Bose speakers and arthritis medicine… and I don’t even have arthritis. (I did stop short of Amway products though.)

I must say I have a soft spot for pitchmen. At State Fairs I always make a beeline to the tent where guys in bad suits and worse toupees are selling car wax and miracle vacuum cleaners. I love hearing their spiels. There’s a genuine art to being persuasive. And I always think, these hawkers are good, but Paul Harvey could sell them a miracle vacuum cleaner, and they know it’s a piece of crap.

What was his secret?

He truly communicated. He talked right to YOU. In words you could understand. He looked straight into your eyes even on the radio. He spoke with conviction, enthusiasm, and all of his arguments made so much doggone sense. Someday I may get arthritis so I better have this stuff just in case.

He ended every broadcast with: “This is Paul Harvey”… and then a beat, “Good day.” Forevermore that beat will be a moment of silence for radio’s greatest newscaster and Madison Avenue’s greatest Mad Man.

You're only as good (or bad) as your last credit

According to imdb.com I was the location manager on DANTE’S PEAK. This is news to me. I didn’t even see DANTE’S PEAK. Yet imdb has it listed and my agent is still pressing me for his commission. Nor was I the Environmental Production Advisor on FLIPPER although I was brought in to punch up his dialogue, and I was not the Location Manager on JURASSIC PARK even though I still write off Hawaiian trips and use Spielberg as a reference. I don’t know where imdb gets this information (I suspect my mother) but I’ve tried several times to get them to correct it but they won’t. So now when I get calls from other Location Managers (which I do) I just recommend our backyard for whatever they need. I’ve made a tidy sum on production rentals.

Worse are some credits they list that ARE true. How many directing assignments have I missed out on because potential employers saw I did multiple episodes of ASK HARRIET? Someone once said you’re only as good as your worst credit. We have shared credit on MANNEQUIN 2 for godsakes!

And then there are the credits imdb omitted that I am proud of. David and I created and produced a show on CBS in ’93 called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin. (Cancelled because they had to make room for the Faye Dunaway comedy and the Peter Scolari comedy. No, I’m not bitter). We wrote on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (okay, they were kind to skip that one), and we wrote and “guest starred” in episodes of OPEN ALL NIGHT THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES.

In the MARSHALL CHRONICLES (created by the brilliant Richard Rosenstock), my writing partner David and I played two gay guys at a wedding. This is a series that someone needs to find and put on YouTube.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who did the BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL). They asked us to write an episode. We saw that Jay was also going to be one of the series regulars so we asked if we could be in the show. They said, “Sure, what do we care?” So we wrote ourselves two fabulous parts. We were Sean & Evan, two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. Tom & Jay didn’t change a word of our dialogue. All they did was add one little sentence in the stage direction:

THE WOMEN GET TIRED OF THESE GUYS AND FLIP THEM OVER THEIR SHOULDERS.

For the entire week of production we were getting thrown around all over the stage. Landing on our backs, landing on our heads. We were black and blue with multiple concussions. I still have a bruise. Finally, after the dress rehearsal just before the filming, Jay came to us and said, “Uh listen boys, we’re going to cut the stunt”.

Not only do I want to see that credit on imdb, I want it listed FIRST!

Nipplegate II: Beyonce

So when Janet Jackson had her "wardrobe malfunction" at the Superbowl a few years ago it caused a huge stir. There was talk of suing CBS for millions of dollars for destroying the lives of America's impressionable youth who were unexpectedly subjected to the shocking sight of Janet Janet's nipple... for less than a second. Live shows were put on delay as a result and our hypocritical puritan nation was shaken to its very roots for months.

Meanwhile, last Sunday on the Oscars (a show seen by billions more people worldwide than the Superbowl) Beyonce exposed her nipple for a fraction of a second and the reaction? Nothing.

I think when you see this you'll agree -- American children were traumatized by the sight of Beyonce's nipple, and you're kicking yourself for deleting the Oscar telecast from your DVR menu.

Holy Cow!

Spring Training has begun. So to get you into the mood for baseball here's the irrepressible Harry Caray and his hilarious rant on Crackerjacks.

R.I.P. Rocky Mountain News

Final Edition from Matthew Roberts on Vimeo.

Newspaper journalism is a lot like a fraternity. Once you've been a reporter or an editor (and endured a certain kind of hazing), you consider yourself a member of the profession long after you've left. So I've been taking all the news of layoffs, furloughs and cutbacks a little personally.

I don't know anyone who worked at the Rocky Mountain News, but the news that it was closing today — just straight up shutting down — genuinely saddens me. It's Colorado's oldest newspaper. Won four Pulitzers in the last 10 years alone.

This moving video says it all.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Marcia Strassman

It’s Friday question time. Leave yours in the comments section. I try to get to as many as I can.

Randall has some questions about end credits:

1. In recent years a lot of television stations have shrunk the end credits in order to show promos for their upcoming shows. Did the stations have to be union approval for this?

2. Some credits go by so fast I don't know how anybody can read them. Conversely, sometimes on talk shows the end credits will stop for a few seconds, apparently to highlight the name of a staff member or company that has provided a product. Are there any rules / restrictions that regulate how fast or slow credits can crawl?

3. Are stations that show movies or stripped television shows required by contract to show the credits in their entirety?

No, there are no restrictions, which is why networks and stations get away with it. Trust me, if there were union rules this deplorable practice would cease immediately. The trouble is, with there being so many more pressing issues for unions to deal with during contract negotiations this indignity gets lost in the shuffle. Not too many members are going to strike over this.

But it is a huge insult to the thousands of people who work tirelessly to make television shows as good as they are. And it’s bad enough these people have to share a card with thirty others and are up there for maybe a fraction of a second, but they’re expected to go that extra mile and really take pride in what they do while the networks can’t give them so much as a full screen. I say a network executive's name on his parking space should be as large as the smallest credit on his network. That would change things instantly.

From Zach Haldeman:

What is the typical relationship between writers and actors? Naturally the show runner gets to know the actors, but is Star #2 gonna be friends with Staff Writer #5, or even know Staff Writer #5?

Depends on the cast, depends on the staff. But usually the staff writers and the supporting cast tend to gravitate towards each other. Sometimes the cast members are a little intimidated by the show runner or the star of the show is a huge time and energy suck so these supporting players will cozy up to the lower tier writers to get their suggestions and concerns heard.

The ideal situation is when everyone in the cast and on the writing staff feel comfortable talking with each other. And that usually stems from show runners who are receptive to actors’ input and actors who view writers as colleagues not waiters.

And finally: D. McEwan has a M*A*S*H question.

In the movie, The Swamp had 4 residents, who were the primary characters: Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank Burns, and Duke Forrest, played by Tom Skerritt. Duke was as important a character as Hawkeye & Trapper John.

So why was Duke conspicuous by his utter absence from the TV series? I've been curious about this for over 30 years.

Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds felt the need to pare down the number of characters since they only had a half hour to work with. Duke was odd man out. In the original TV pilot there was also a Spearchucker but he too faded into the mist.

Another casualty of war was the lovely Marcia Strassman. She was a regular the first season as Nurse Cutler. She of course went on to play Kotter’s wife, Julie and had to look amused anytime Gabe Kaplan spoke.

Strassman is best known however for her hit record, “the Flower Children” in the late 60s.

Is The Recession Over?

I realize that it costs a lot of money to build a new house from the ground up. Land and materials are expensive. I don't expect builders to give it away.

But considering the fact(s) that:

a. We are in a recession,
b. Tallahassee has never been a hotbed of high-paying gigs, and
c. We are no longer in a seller's market ...

What is UP with this and this? And am I the only one who sees a problem with naming a house aimed at upper-income buyers "The Katrina Cottage?" Maybe I'm hating because I love this particular neighborhood and want to marry it, but this is just nuts.

Can The Jonas Brothers Get A Little Respect?

I Like The Jonas Brothers.

There. I said it.

Like a typical, cranky Gen-Xer, I had a negative first reaction to the squeaky-clean brothers when they became megastars in my household last year. I assumed that they were pretty Disney androids who were being propped up by killer marketing and Casio keyboards. This came on the heels of "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana," so I was not in a charitable mood.

But I was wrong. Has anyone noticed that they play their own instruments, like, pretty doggone well? Or that Joe (the "hot" one) is a great frontman, especially when he ditches the whine at the end of a note? Or that the lead songwriter, Nick (the "cute" one) is only 16 years old? Paul McCartney wrote "Love Me Do" when he was that age, and while it was not exactly the Beatles' best tune, it's on all the "Greatest Hits" compilations.

I listened to a lot of music last year, and their CD "A Little Bit Longer" is just plain good. I defy anyone to listen to "BB Good," "Burnin' Up" or the Chris Isak-y "Lovebug" and tell me with a straight face that those aren't swell pop/rock songs. OK, maybe their Grammys jam with Stevie Wonder wasn't awesome, but the fact that a) they know who Stevie Wonder is and b) cite him frequently as a musical idol ought to count for something. I guess you could argue that their song lyrics are a little on the shallow side, but I wasn't exactly thinking about fair trade when I was 16.

Some of my friends are shocked that I keep coming to the Jonas Brothers' defense, or that I can even tell them apart. But I think they're judging them based on things other than their music, and assuming that musicians associated with Mickey Mouse can't possibly be good. (For the record, I was kind of annoyed with Russell Brand for making fun of their purity rings, though I suspect Nick, Joe and Kevin will come to regret giving the public that kind of information. See: Spears, Britney.)

It's early yet, so it's entirely possible that the Jonas Brothers will morph into assholes or fail to grow as artists. But I'm optimistic. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy that 3-D movie of theirs with some young fans I happen to know.

The Sunset Strip

Here are more of my reflections growing up a teenage in the 60s in Southern California...

If you were going to drive into the city from Woodland Hills it meant you were “going over the hill”. Whether it be Hollywood or Westwood or even San Diego – it was “over the hill”. And you never went “over the hill” unless you had a real purpose. You’d think we were living on the Ponderosa and had to pack saddlebacks to ride into town for vittles.

But there was a new attraction that the kids were buzzing about. The Sunset Strip. In the 40s and 50s this stretch of Sunset Blvd. between Beverly Hills and Hollywood was nightclub row. Sinatra played there. Sammy played there. Dino even had his own club. These hot spots featured dance floors and palm trees and exotic names like the Macambo, the Trocadero, Casa Manana, and Ciro’s. I was never actually in one of these nightclubs but there were several Looney Tunes that spoofed them so I had a pretty good idea of what went on there thanks to Bugs Bunny.

Now the clubs were starting to cater to young people. Whisky A Go Go led the charge. Some say it was because of the location, others say popular singer Johnny Rivers was the big draw but I contend it was the hot girls in mini skirts dancing in suspended cages that attracted the crowds. Rock groups would stagger down from Laurel Canyon to perform. The Byrds, the Doors (in matching suits), the Seeds, Buffalo Springfield, Love, and even the great Captain Beefheart performed in clubs like Gazzari’s, London Fog, and Pandora’s Box. They weren’t content to just do cover versions of popular songs or pale imitations of current styles. No sir. They examined their roots, experimented, challenged themselves to become artists in the true sense of the word. Their music was new and exciting and groundbreaking. God, the women these assholes must’ve gotten.

There were also a few clubs that catered to teenagers. They didn’t serve alcohol so you didn’t have to be 21. The downside was forfeiting the lucrative bar income. The upside was there were ten million teenagers under the age of 21. And club owners could still charge two bucks for a Coke. The Trip and It’s Boss were the two top teen clubs.

My 17 year old cousin Craig was visiting from Louisville. So for two weeks I had a chauffeur. One night we cruised down the Sunset Strip. We must’ve looked like the Clampett family gawking at all the activity. We were lucky and found a parking space only a mile up the hill from the strip, so we headed down to “check out the scene”. Who’s hipper than a fifteen year-old who still draws comics and a kid from Kentucky?

People were just hanging out, standing around, and many of them were smoking. I didn’t know what but the smell was weird and unlike anything I had experienced. You never forget your first second-hand smoke reefer.

The clubs were so crowded with such long lines that we decided to just bag it. Too much of a hassle. I’d just wait until the Looney Tunes cartoon.

Pandora’s Box was a teen club the size of an outhouse perched on a triangular traffic island on the corner of Sunset and Crescent Heights. Crowds became too large and were snarling traffic at that large intersection. So cops tried to enforce a 10 p.m. curfew (good luck) and later just close the club. This resulted in a protest rally – a mob of mostly clean-cut teenagers and twentysomethings wearing pullover sweaters and miniskirts. Police broke it up, a riot resulted, and observer Stephen Stills wrote the song “For What It’s Worth” about the incident. A month later Sonny & Cher performed at Pandora’s Box but not without dire consequences. They were kicked off a Rose Parade float. It’s amazing Sonny Bono ever got elected to public office with that stain on his record.

I was not part of that riot. But I did buy the record.

House of WTF?

Dear Beyonce:

I think you’re a peach, so just know that this comes from a place of affection: Please stop letting your mother, Tina, dress you.

Here’s what some of my friends said about your Oscar night dress, which came from your very own House of Dereon:

“Wow, was it ever ugly.”

“The fact that she didn't wear any jewelry didn't help the fact that the fabric looked like Tina got it from a 1978 Cordoba.”

“It makes her look like she has eight legs.”

“B. is gonna have to have that come to Jesus talk with her mama sooner rather than later.”

I mean, the New York Times said that tight, black and gold mermaid number made you look like “a Czech vase.” It takes a special kind of talent to dress a beautiful woman so badly.

It is sweet and generous of you to let your mom ride your coattails and fulfill her dream of being a “fashion designer,” with you as a muse. But I’m hardly the first (or the thousandth) to point out that Tina’s clothes have some … issues. Back in your Destiny’s Child days, there were a lot of Tina-induced misfires like this. And this. And this.

When you guys finally turned up wearing clothes from designers like Roberto Cavalli, armchair fashion editors rejoiced.

On the bright side, some House of Dereon gowns are quite pretty: the pistachio, one-shoulder gown and the red crepe cross-front gown looked good on the Web site. Unfortunately, others resembled prom dresses.

You’re young, famous and filthy rich, and you obviously care about style. I’m sure other designers are tripping all over themselves to dress you. Maybe it’s time to have a talk with Mom about finding another muse/mannequin. I think you’ve done more than enough.

Best,
EDP

CHEERS amnesia

In the spring of 1982 I got a call from James Burrows. He and the Charles Brothers were going to do a show for NBC that fall called CHEERS and wondered if we wanted to produce it. At first I thought, “A show about cheerleaders? YEAH!” then was told it was about a bar in Boston. Oh.

Still. We had never met the Charles Brothers but were huge admirers from their days at MTM and on TAXI. And Jimmy was (and is) television’s best comedy director. Plus, at the time we were in the middle of a development deal with Lorimar, a company known from producing DALLAS and no comedies (a fact we should have realized before taking the deal) and we used to joke that our current careers would make a perfect upcoming episode of IN SEARCH OF… starring Leonard Nimoy.

A meeting was set between us and Glen & Les Charles. That was at 11. At 2 my wife and I had an appointment for her to take a sonogram. She was pregnant and we had just learned there was a good chance it was twins. The sonogram would tell us for sure.

So we meet Glen & Les. They tell us about the show. At the time no one had been cast. There was just a first draft. Sam was still a former football player. They discussed their vision, how they like to work, how we would fit in, etc. We asked questions, they provided answers. The meeting lasted about an hour.

I went to the hospital. The sonogram was performed and we learned there were no twins. Just one boy (Matt, now blogmaster of DIRTYWATAH.COM and great kid). I was relieved. David then called with the good news that the Charles Brothers wanted us to come aboard. I said great and then something occurred to me. I said, “David, what happened in the meeting?” All through our time with the Charles Brothers all I could think of was how am I going to manage two babies, two car seats, two strollers? I literally have no recollection at all of what was discussed that day with Glen & Les. Fortunately I must’ve nodded at all the right times and never interrupted either of them by blurting out, “Shit!! When am I gonna sleep with two infants?”

But I was thrilled that we got the job. And then went home to read the script to see what I had agreed to. Boy, am I glad it was good.

By the way, the final season of CHEERS is out on DVD. It contains one of my favorite Levine & Isaacs' episodes, "Loathe and Marriage" and one of my favorite lines. Nick Tortelli: "Women! Ain't it enough we sleep with 'em?"

Will 'Watchmen' Resonate?

My friend Shag has a prediction about how the general public will react to the “Watchmen” film, though he hopes he’s wrong. His theory is that most people either won’t care enough about the movie adaptation of “the greatest graphic novel of all time,” or they won’t get it. What happens if millions of people show up expecting “Spider-Man?”

Shag's got a point. Since I’ve discussed “Watchmen” mostly with other casual-to-hardcore comics geeks, I hadn’t considered the fact that it might not resonate beyond our borders.

While I had problems with "Watchmen" as a work of literature, I'm still interested to see it on the big screen. However, it is entirely possible that the uninitiated will see the trailers and scratch their heads in confusion — or shrug. But even if they are familiar with the plot, will the average moviegoer want to see an event film that is set in 1985, subverts the superhero genre and is relentlessly grim? The Guardian said it "makes last year's famously brooding Batman sequel 'The Dark Knight' look like 'Alvin and the Chipmunks.' "(At the very least, I’m glad it’s rated R so that stupid parents will be less likely to bring their children.)

We'll see what happens on March 6. Until then, check out some of the early buzz.

Netflix pick of the month: THE LAST SEDUCTION

Villains are far more interesting than heroes. Just ask Heath Ledger (if you could). Without Lex Luthor Superman is just another boring jock on steroids. Years ago Marie Osmond was touring in THE SOUND OF MUSIC and one reviewer said she was so sweet and sugary you found yourself rooting for the Nazis. Bad guys = Good movies.

There are villains you love to hate. And then there is Linda Fiorentino in THE LAST SEDUCTION. If I may coin a word, she is a VILF!

THE LAST SEDUCTION is a 1995 film noir treat, written by Steve Barancik and directed by John Dahl (who sadly has been relegated to television while Michael Bay continues to make features). Linda is the ultimate femme fatale, absconding her husband’s drug money (Bill Pullman as Ralph Bellamy) and disappearing into this small town where she turns Peter Berg into her boy toy for utter amusement. In true noir fashion she lures him into committing murder and the twists and turns come fast and furious.

And all the while you love her sultry voice, her chutzpah, smarts, and delicious wickedness. It’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY meets GOODBYE COLUMBUS.

Oh, and it’s one of the sexiest movies this side of first half of BODY HEAT before it dissolved into a jumbled mess.

THE LAST SEDUCTION and Linda should have been up for a gaggle of Academy Awards but due to a technicality (the movie played first on HBO) it wasn’t eligible. But it did win all kinds of Indie Spirit Awards, which everyone knows is far more prestigious.

THE LAST SEDUCTION. See it with someone you want to have sex with or kill.

Random Oscar Night Thoughts

I've ignored the Oscars for the past couple of years, and at a time when the economy is at death's door, it seems especially silly to care. Who wants to see a bunch of incredibly rich, well-groomed people tell each other how awesome/beautiful/talented they are?

Uh, I guess I do. Thanks to Hugh's charm-tastic opener, I got sucked in and watched the damn thing for almost two hours. One of my Facebook friends said I was practically live-blogging the show through status updates. It's a sickness.

1. I'm not a big fan of Jennifer Aniston as an actress, but she looked great and was very composed on stage considering that Brad and Angelina were in the front row. Admit it; you hoped the camera would pan to them — and it did.

2. Miley Cyrus' dress wasn't that bad, was it? I thought she looked nice.

3. Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are officially the cutest couple ever to emerge from the House of Disney.

4. Steve Martin's "Don't fall in love with me" line to Tina Fey was one of the funniest moments of the night.

5. Not even Hugh Jackman could save that awful musical number with Beyonce, the "High School Musical" kids and the chick from "Mama Mia!" Sometimes, less is more, even at the Oscars.

6. I miss Cher. This year's so-called red carpet "disasters" weren't nearly as entertaining as her infamous Bob Mackie getups.

7. It's still hard to believe that Heath Ledger is dead. He was fantastic as the Joker, but anyone who saw "Brokeback Mountain" knows that he should have won an Oscar for his performance in that film. It was moving to see his family accept the award on his behalf.

8. I want whatever tape/support undergarment Sarah Jessica Parker employed to hoist her girls.

9. Is it just me, or does Robert Downey Jr. look good for someone who ought to be dead?

10. There wasn't really a dress that made me go "Wow," though I thought Taraji P. Henson was lovely. She deserves better than Tyler Perry scripts from here on out.

11. Natalie Portman's utter perfection is starting to get on my nerves.

12. How sweet are the kids from "Slumdog Millionaire," another film I didn't see?

13. Wall*E was totally robbed.

14. I agree with Slate.com: "I have a feeling that after last night's speech, the dreamily high-cheekboned (Dustin Lance) Black will have no shortage of proposals for everything from one-night stands to eternal wedded bliss."

15. Tilda Swinton isn't for everybody, but I dig her style.

16. Love you, Kate, but I'm still not going to see "The Reader."

Give This Man A Raise

Am I the only person who thought Hugh Jackman's opening number was the highlight of last nights Oscars broadcast? Points for Anne Hathaway, too.

My eleventh annual Oscars review

It was Bollywood’s big night. The Oscars! I got to watch them in Hawaii where they were tape delayed three hours. What a break! I went on line, saw who won, and made huge bets with guests around the pool at the Kapalua Ritz-Carlton. I made a fortune on Sean Penn alone!

The night was summed up perfectly by one of the idiot Red Carpet show hosts when he said, “This is what the Oscars is all about. All ages, all ethnicities, coming together to look their best.”

KTLA morning news anchor, Jessica Holmes asked Kevin Kline: "At the Oscars, when you come, do people ask you dumb questions as you hop along?" Tawny Little, you may have finally met your match.

On to the show:

Hugh Jackman was sensational. Kudos to the producers for turning to an actual movie star to host instead of seeing who’s available from Comedy Central. Jackman was the best host since Billy Crystal and maybe even Johnny Carson (sorry, Ellen). More amazing than his enormous talent and charm was how he seemed so damn comfortable up there? How does he do that?

Those chandeliers over the audience were designed to give the Kodak Theater a more intimate nightclub feel. It makes me wonder how many high school productions of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ended tragically when chandeliers crashed down on the first seven rows?

Actors of course, were in the front section, right up close. Other winners had to vault a little fence to get to the stage.

Hollywood loves SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE ...now. It’s the Best Picture of 2009. Of course a year ago that same Hollywood was ready to send it direct-to-video.

Kate Winslet finally won after six tries. THE TITANIC was not her fault!

Since when do they give out the Best Director award before Best Actor and Actress?

I’m sorry Robert Downey Jr. lost for Best Supporting Actor for his work in TROPIC THUNDER. He’d have more Oscars as an African-American than Will Smith.

How’d you like to be an animated movie going up against WALL-E? I bet the KUNG FU PANDA producers were seated in the balcony behind Kate Winslet’s dad.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman came as Sam Kinison.

For the acting categories it was nice to see former winners (especially my neighbor Eva Marie Saint, way to represent the hood) but did the nominees really need that additional overblown stroking? Every performance was “courageous”, “genius”, “inspiring”. Come on. Marisa Tomei looked good naked.

My favorite was Cuba Gooding Jr. saying, “Let’s talk about risks.” This is a guy who won an Oscar then went straight into SNOW DOGS and BOAT TRIP.

Michael Douglas is really starting to look like his old man. Now HE’S Spartacus.

As usual in Hollywood it’s all about marketing. THE READER: come for the sex, stay for the Holocaust.

Former Oscar winner and worst-Oscar-host-ever, Whoopi Goldberg was saying on THE VIEW a few weeks ago that each Oscar is numbered. Only a very few have ever won one in the “two hundred years of motion pictures”. I forget, when Lincoln was shot was he at a play or Clint Eastwood’s first film?

Sarah Jessica Parker is morphing into Carole King.

Many believe WALL-E should be the actual Best Picture of the Year. It showed just as much garbage as SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and although the sex wasn’t as good as THE READER, I’d still rather watch robots make love than Nazis.

Wow! Sophia Loren can still get into her prom dress.

Congrats to Simon Beaufoy for winning Best Adapted Screenplay for SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. And all the SLUMDOG winners but I’m partial to the writer.

How did HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, a movie that was improvised even get nominated for Best Original Screenplay? And how could WALL-E, the most innovative script in years, not win?

Who designed Miley Cyrus’ gown? Her dad? Talk about the cake that got left out in the rain…

Did you notice that Tina Fey got a much bigger reception than Steve Martin? And when Jennifer Aniston was presenting they cut to Angelina Jolie at least three times? Meow.

Quick: Which of these Best Song nominees won? “Jai Ho” or “O Saya”? Dump this stupid category already. It’s become as relevant as Best Silent Picture.

Ben Stiller doing Joaquin Phoenix was very funny… for thirty seconds. After that, co-presenter Natalie Portman deserved combat pay.

I guess Judd Apatow now only makes movies for his personal friends to enjoy. That’s what YouTube is for, Judd, not the Oscars.

Without a doubt, the highlight of the evening was Queen Latifa singing “I’ll be Seeing You” over the “In Memoriam” tribute. It was beautiful and touching. I bet, like me, you watch and try to guess who’s going to be last? Paul Newman was perfect. One question though: where was Heath Ledger?

And the lowlight: Bill Maher. He’s the embarrassing cousin that’s never invited to any family function but shows up anyway.

Why do they have to tell us every year what Costume Designers do? Who thinks that Keira Knightley wore her own street clothes in THE DUCHESS?

Dustin Lance Black gave a lovely heartfelt acceptance speech on Gay rights. And it saved the show because Hollywood obviously couldn’t decide on what their “cause” would be this year. The need to go green? Oppressed diamond mine workers in Africa? What?? There was not even agreement on the color of ribbons this award season, that’s how bad it got.

Sean Penn’s plea for equal Gay rights was also appreciated although the message might have had more impact if he hadn’t started his speech with calling the audience “You commie homo-loving sons of guns”. And when Sean was thanking everyone in the world, he could have included his wife.

Seeing Tilda Swinton’s outfit all I could think of was “I can show you to your table now.”

Glad SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE beat BENJAMIN BUTTON for Best Editing. As my daughter, Annie says, “No movie over three hours should even be eligible to win Best Editing.”

BENJAMIN BUTTON did win “Best Make-Up”. They made Brad Pitt look younger. The real trick is to do that with Goldie Hawn.

Congratulations to Penelope Cruz. Even with subtitles she won. Expect to see Will Smith in the next seven Woody Allen movies until he gets his.

Mickey Rourke came dressed in no tie and cautionary tales. I’m guessing at 3:00 he realized he didn’t have anything to wear so he just beat the crap out of Tom Wolfe and took his suit. It brings new meaning to “who are you wearing?”

I guess we’ll never hear Mickey’s outrageous expletive-filled acceptance speech now that he lost. But Penn deserved the award. He really became another character. Mickey Rourke played Mickey Rourke without shampoo.

Freida Pinto of SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE was the most gorgeous woman in the room. And yet, when they kept cutting to shots of the cast they showed everyone but her. I don’t care that Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail finds Jack Black amusing. Show me Freida!!

Major crisis averted!!! Dani Janssen did not cancel her exclusive Oscar party. She wanted to when pal Clint Eastwood received no nominations (that’ll show ‘em!) but was convinced by close friends that this country, in its fragile state, couldn’t weather that much disappointment. By the way, you are not invited and never will be.

Whoever designed Jessica Biel’s gown also dreamed up Aretha Franklin’s hat at the Inauguration.

The Jerry Lewis tribute had the potential for trainwreck written all over it. He could have done one of his celebrated gay jokes, or wondered why THE READER was so honored while his Holocaust film about a circus clown imprisoned in a death camp, THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED was deemed unreleasable. But instead he gave a brief, sincere, and thoroughly classy speech.

Nicole Kidman is starting to look like Joel Grey.

Not a lot of surprises this year. Heath Ledger – who knew? But thanks to Hugh Jackman and a more streamlined presentation (no salutes to “Great Ice Skating Movies of the Past” or other vintage genres) this year’s Oscarcast was the best in recent memory. And with that big production number in the middle with Jackman and Beyonce, it qualifies for the best Tony Awards show in ages too.

Aloha.

Thanks to my daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Brock for their heads-up on the Red Carpet shows.

It all started with the Oscars

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE had just beaten SAVING PRIVATE RYAN for film of the year. Steven Spielberg, who had already won Oscars for SCHINDLER’S LIST in every category except Best Animated Short was really pissed. And this was mere moments after he won another Oscar for directing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN (which was very well deserved, by the way). I thought it was a little ungracious. So I decided to write a humorous review of the ceremony, poke a bit of fun at Hollywood royalty, and email it to the hundred or so people in my address list.

The response was so positive that I did it again the following year. By then my list had grown to at least 104. I added the Emmys (talk about an easy target) and also goofy travelogues (I was getting tired of writing the same travel report ten times to ten friends).

Once I compiled enough of these I investigated getting them all published as a book. The idea was met with zero interest. But one kindly editor said, “These are very funny and if Dave Barry had written them I’d publish them tomorrow. But no one knows who the fuck you are.”

So how do I become more well-known? First thought was a publicist until I saw what they charged. Yikes! I wanted a little higher visibility; I didn’t want to be Tatiana so paying big money to get my name in the Long Beach Telegram a few times a year didn’t make sense. Nor did killing anybody or lying about my age and going on REAL WORLD.

Then my friend Howard suggested writing a blog. (This is beginning to sound like one of those old cigarette commercials. Then my priest said, “Hey, have you tried Viceroys?”)

A blog wouldn’t cost anything save for time. Who knows? It could lead to a big book deal, major speaking engagements, or taking over for Carson Daly (if not me than ANYBODY). Well, none of those things happened but the blog has been great fun to do. And it has gained some popularity – thanks in part to my annual Oscar review.

So tonight again I shall review the Academy Awards. I try to post them as soon as possible so if someone else has a similar observation it’s clear I didn’t steal it from him (he probably stole it from me). Unfortunately, here in Hawaii they are tape delayed. God forbid a tourist misses one precious hour of deadly sun exposure. So expect the review early Monday morning. It’s coming.

Just think, if Steven Spielberg had only clapped when SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE won none of this would have happened.

Nobody photoshops Danica Patrick and gets away with it!

Okay, it’s one thing if you want to photoshop in some breasts for Keira Knightley for a stupid movie poster...
but now comes word that Sports Illustrated has photocopied out Danica Patrick’s tattoo for their swimsuit issue photo shoot. Thank God! I think you would have to agree that with that tattoo she no longer looks attractive at all. SI claims they did that because their swimsuit issue celebrates “natural” beauty. As such they do allow the models to keep their freckles.

Seems to me if they really want to celebrate natural beauty they’d airbrush out the swimsuits. I’m just sayin’.

Why wasn't BECKER a bigger hit?

So for a delightful change, I'm answering a Friday question on Friday.

Monsterbeard asks:

I was looking at the credits for Becker the other day, which is full of some really talented sitcom writers, including yourself. Yet, despite all the pedigree, the show wasn't exactly a huge hit. Do you think it failed? And do you know why it wasn't as big of a hit as the writing credits would suggest?

Well, it did run for 129 episodes and is in syndication so it did a whole lot better than any of my shows. But BECKER should have been a bigger hit. The problem was that CBS, for whatever reason, never believed in the show. I don’t know why. Maybe it wasn’t sexy enough for them. But then why make it and order it in the first place?

BECKER always outperformed the network’s expectations. It did wildly better than a host of darlings that CBS put in that time slot (Monday 9:30). Then the network moved it, put it in an impossible slot to win and it still surprised everyone with its numbers. The reward for that? Cancellation. And the irony of course – CBS would KILL for BECKER’s numbers today.

Happily, once the show got into syndication people seemed to discover it. It’s hard to believe but a highly-rated show on CBS for five years was considered a best-kept secret. I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and say, “Hey, I saw your name on this new show, BECKER. It’s really good.” NEW show??

Dave Hackel, the show’s creator, put together a tremendous staff of writers and directors. Matthew Weiner of MAD MEN for one. Andy Ackerman (director of SEINFELD) for another. And although you might not be as familiar with their names, here are a few of the other terrific BECKER writers who I would hire in a second: Ian Gurvitz, Michael Markowitz, Russ Woody, Steve Peterman, Gary Donzig, Kate Angelo, Liz Astrof, Bobby Gaylor, Dana Borkow Klein, Matt Ember, Anne Flett-Giordano, and Chuck Ranberg.

But the show must finally be catching on. Ted Danson says more people now stop him in an airport and mention BECKER than CHEERS.

If you’re up some morning at 2 channel surfing, check it out. It’s a damn good show.

What's your question?

My Little eBay Problem

Before I went all hardcore with the parenting thing, I sort of collected limited edition Barbie dolls. It started with a Nicole Miller Barbie (complete with handbag) and became increasingly random and expensive. Before it became clear that it was either food for my child or Vera Wang Barbie, I fed my addiction via eBay. At some point, I went cold turkey and bowed out of the bidding scene for years.

But I got sucked back in. Frustrated by my inability to find clothes I liked locally, I stumbled onto an eBay shop that carries some of my favorite brands at rock-bottom prices. It started with that plum-colored jersey dress I wanted for my cousin's wedding. I got it brand-new for 29 bucks — down from $130 at retail. Then, another up-and-coming designer I liked was having a full-blown warehouse sale. We're talking $100 skirts for $15.

But I knew I was in trouble when I discovered that eBay is geek heaven. Every rare comic book, graphic novel and artist-signed print you could ever want is out there. I should have run like the keyboard was on fire, but no. I just had to click on a signed George Perez Wonder Woman print and make a bid. On Thursday, I duked it out with a buyer who wanted that print just as badly as I did. I took it personally when s/he outbid me - twice - and muttered about how "This b**** is going down. It's mine." I could not be reasoned with.

See, George Perez authored and illustrated one of my favorite Wonder Woman volumes back in the late '80s, and this print was gorgeous. I could just picture it in my future office, my geek pals green with envy.

This is why eBay is so dangerous. You tell yourself that you will not, under any circumstances, pay more than $25 for something, but one or two bids later, you're too far gone to adhere to those limitations. You're pissed off that someone is trying to take this thing that you absolutely must have, despite not even knowing about it two days prior.

I lost the auction. My rival outbid me at the last minute, but there is a happy ending: The seller had a second autographed print and asked me if I wanted to buy it at my final bidding price. Of course I did. All's well that ends well.

But I'm giving eBay a wide berth from now on, because my children have gotten used to eating.

In Praise Of Tapas

I met the book club ladies last night at Tapas, a new restaurant in Midtown Tallahassee that was, as I predicted, packed. Tallahasseans swarm to new eateries of any kind, and a place with decent buzz can stay mobbed for months. Local restaurant critic Ashby Stiff gave it four-and-a-half hats, so it's officially a hot ticket.

The food was delicious, and the service attentive. We shared several different dishes, and all of them were winners — hummus with olives, seared manchego cheese, sea scallop paella, grouper tacos, organic greens. Throw in some wine, and no one had room for dessert. The only quibble is that it's loud inside, but the outdoor patio should be nice once the spring weather kicks in.

I discovered tapas dining a couple of years ago when my friend C. took me to Jaleo in Bethesda, Md. It's a running joke that we have to eat at Jaleo whenever I'm in town, because the food there is so good. I'm glad Tallahassee has its own version now, so come on down, C.!

Footnote: Midtown Tallahassee is adorable, and I can see that it is rapidly becoming a hipster magnet. When we went next door for coffee, I saw a lot of skinny jeans, Apple laptops and slightly pretentious-looking hats. But it's not so edgy that I was out of place in my Working Mom gear, either.

Why?

Sanjaya Malakar seems like a very nice young man, but can someone tell me why this memoir was necessary?

Japan: Putting Babies To Work

Why didn't I think of this?


Baby Mop from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

AMERRRRICAAAAAN IDDDDDDOLLLLLL

Who says that AMERICAN IDOL stretched twelve one-minute performances into two endless hours? They NEEDED all that time just as I need all this space to review it.

But before we get to the contestants, I have to ask my co-reviewer/daughter, Annie, “What advice would you give the performers?”

“I really think they have to perform their best and sing well. And look good. And be pretty. Back to you, Dad.”

Thanks, Annie. And now my dog, Rex. It’s a big night for these kids, Rex. What should they keep in the back of their mind?

“Woof, woof woof, woof. Woof woof, woooooof woof wooooof.”

Good advice. And it gives the performers something to think about that never would have occurred to them.

Now the rules, and pay attention because they’re a little different this year. Every week for three weeks we’ll take nine hours to select the best three and then have a wild card show to select four more then have a sing-off with them and the La Mirada Dinner Theatre production of RENT. Then it'll be June and we can begin narrowing down the Top 10.

We’ll get to the actual performances right after this break.
This Monday will be my annual Oscar review right here on this blog.

Welcome back. The theme this week is any song from any era that ever charted on Billboard. In other words, the kids are restricted to every song ever made.

Jackie Tohn, who dressed like Minnie Mouse in leather, sang the only Elvis song people don’t know is an Elvis song. But she has great personality and should be a finalist. Then America met her parents, realized she's Jewish, and that cost her every vote from the south.

After the break, Ricky Braddy.

Starting February 25th I’ll be hosting Dodger Talk again every night on 790 KABC, home of McIntyre in the Morning and airwatch traffic with Captain Jorge to get you to work on time.

Ricky Braddy did a lovely version of Leon Russell’s “A Song for You”. But I still have no idea who he is. Neither does anybody else because the number to call to vote for him is 1-800-IDOLS-0?

But he too has lovely parents. They wore cute matching “Braddy Bunch” T-shirts and Ryan interviewed them for seven minutes. If you’d like to vote for them the number is 1-800-MOMDAD-2.

Alexis Grace was next. Her father had long hair. This is significant because he got more face time on Fox than Obama during his inauguration. Paula said to Alexis, “you have something so large inside you”. It was Paula’s first veiled penis reference of the night.

More in a moment but first, Ted Danson and Neil Patrick Harris were in the audience. Ted played Sam Malone on CHEERS and Becker on BECKER. Neil played Doogie Howser on DOOGIE HOWSER and currently plays Barney on HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. Ted also appears in DAMAGES on FX. Not that I’m padding.

Brent Keith followed. After a screw up where they started running Stevie Wright’s video he sang “Hicktown” where he’ll be returning to. Now this break:

Every Friday I answer readers’ question on my blog. What’s yours?

Stevie Wright said her biggest influence was the Jonas Brothers so it’s no surprise she sang 19 year old songwriter extraordinaire, Taylor Swift. She was awful. We’ll never see her again. Stephen Wright has more charisma.

Anoop Desai sang “Angel of Mine” and was then taken into custody. Police question whether it was really him singing. (Note: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE reference. If you didn’t get this joke you will be lost Oscar night.)

Casey Carlson is cute but not cute enough to overcome her hideous rendition of Sting. I thought these people got weeded out. What the hell was Hollywood Week for anyway?

Michael Sarver – Best performance of the night from an oil rig worker. I see petroleum in his future.

Ann Marie Boskovich is next… after the break.

My book, IT’S GONE, NO WAIT A MINUTE!” is still available on Amazon for one cent. Get it now. Don’t wait for the price to go down.

Ann Marie Boskovich was the 247th contestant to sing “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman”. She came in 200th.

Stephen Fowler killed “Rock With You”. Jackie Tohn’s parents could have done it better.

Tatiana Del Toro – The Devil’s Daughter. Kills us to say it, but she was infuriatingly good.

And finally, Danny Gokey. Great singer, immensely likable, widower. He’s a shoo-in for the top five as long as he doesn’t sing Bobby Goldsboro’s “Honey” .

That’s our post for tonight. Remember my Oscar review on Monday. Woof woof.

Levines…out.

I won't be reviewing the next few weeks because, well, who can devote the time?

Dear T.I.: Soccer Moms Dig You, Too

Dear T.I.,

As a responsible taxpayer over the age of 35, I've talked a good game about how modern hip-hop is in the toilet and young rappers have no sense of social responsibility. I'm sure you're all too familiar with this particular rant. People my age are fond of saying things like, "Well, they're no De la Soul," and let's face it – as a soccer mom, I'm not exactly in your target audience.

But here's the thing: I downright love some of your songs: "Rubber Band Man," "Bring 'Em Out" and "You Don't Know Me" were high on my playlist, right up there with The Kinks and Jill Sobule. When you pronounced yourself "wild as the Taliban," I saluted your clever wordplay.

Then you had to go and get sentenced to a year in jail on weapons charges. Machine guns? I figured our little flirtation was done, and I moved on to Lupe Fiasco. It just wasn't the same.

Lo and behold, you did it again. "Paper Trail," with its mixture of wildly un-P.C. rhymes and catchy beats, has found its way onto my iPod — and it's giving my mopey British bands of choice a run for their money. First it was the recession-be-damned booty song "Whatever You Like." Then it was star-studded "Swagger Like Us." M.I.A.! Jay-Z! Kanye! Weezy! But you really outdid yourself with "Dead and Gone" feat. Justin Timberlake. That song is mega-dope, and it speaks to me when I'm driving my station wagon to Publix (without the kids, of course):

Ever had one of them days you wish woulda stayed home?
Run into a group of n****s, getting their hate on?
You walk by. They get wrong. You reply, then s**t get blown
Way outta proportion, way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one, then rush 'em ...

The video is pretty nifty, too. Who knew Justin's cred would last this long?

Anyway, I hope having a few twinset-wearing fans isn't too bad for your image. Good luck this next year, and I'm sure you'll emerge with lots of material for your next CD.

Sincerely,
EDP

Barack Who?

I admit it. I'm a little obsessed with Michelle Obama — her style, her regal carriage, her overall Michelle-ness. This makes sense considering my similar fascination with Jacqueline Kennedy, but Jackie was a First Lady before my time. Michelle is the first, er, First Lady I feel I can relate to, even though I'm not a Princeton-educated attorney with a global following and a husband who has access to the nuclear codes. I know I'm not alone, because at least two of my friends have come out of the closet about their girl crushes on Mrs. O. I really don't understand haters like Juan Williams, who inexplicably described her as "Stokely Carmichael in a dress." That's a slick way of trying to paint her as somehow radical and un-American, but whatever.

Anyway, I love that she's become a fashion icon — and that she's on the March cover of Vogue. While Southern women are no strangers to color, Michelle's purple sheath dresses really stand out in D.C. She knows what looks good on her body, and it helps that she obviously knows her way around a gym. She's also rekindled some of my interest in fashion, which often drives me nuts with its inscrutable trends, size-ist attitude and laughable price tags. (High-waisted jeans? Really?)

My friend C. turned me on to the Mrs. O site, a fun look at Michelle Obama's fashion influence. It doesn't seem designed to make women go buy the exact dress that Michelle wore on Tuesday, but to be inspired by her choices — or at least have fun seeing them.

I have a hard time believing people who say they are totally indifferent to fashion, because we all choose clothes to project something about ourselves — even the statement "I don't care about clothes." There's a great scene in "The Devil Wears Prada" where Meryl Streep's character icily rips Anne Hathaway's character for assuming (incorrectly) that fashion has no effect on her life.

Rock on, Mrs. O.

Are you taking a meeting? READ THIS POST!!!

This is a short one but maybe the most valuable advice I have given since don't park in Jeff Zucker's space. When you are lucky enough to get a meeting with a producer or story editor or writer or agent or executive… always ALWAYS…

GOOGLE THEM BEFORE THE MEETING!
Now that we have such a thing, it is inexcusable to go into a meeting not knowing exactly who the person is and what he has done. Maybe there are articles where he’s quoted. You get a sense of his viewpoint, his interests. Imdb his credits. The more you know, the better prepared you are, the easier it will be to impress.

And the reverse is true. When someone blunders into a meeting unprepared, since we all know how easy it is to Google someone, right away that person is branded as a dolt – which he is.

And executives and producers?

Same for you.

If you’re meeting a writer or director, imdb him first. I wrote a spec screenplay a few years ago that resulted in a meeting with a young executive. He complimented me on the writing and wondered what I had been doing because this was an amazing first effort. He was a tad embarrassed when I told him I had written one or two things before that.

I’ll leave you with a great Hollywood story (or tall tale). I believe it was Billy Wilder who said it. Late in his illustrious career he took a meeting with a young executive who asked, “What have you done?” Wilder supposedly leaned in to him and said, “You first.”

GOOGLE THEM BEFORE THE MEETING!

Well, That Was Quick

To say that Junot Diaz's talk Monday night was short would be an understatement. It may have taken me longer to park, find the restroom and scope out a decent seat than it took him to make his 7 Days of Opening Nights appearance. Even more strange was the fact that he took only three questions — two of them from a woman who wanted to know about his appearance on "The Colbert Report." Diaz seemed fairly down to earth from where I was sitting, but ... I dunno, it just seemed like something was going on behind the scenes that the audience wasn't privy to. Writers. What are you gonna do?

Anyway, Diaz did have some very interesting things to say about writing, most notably the idea that the reader should approach reading with some level of humility. In other words, it's OK if you don't understand everything immediately or have to ask someone else for help. He made this point after Colbert Woman asked him if the use of Spanish words in "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" might be a stumbling block for some readers.

"This is a book written by somebody who never forgot how they learned to read. There's always something that you don't know. There's always something that you don't understand. It's honoring the deep structure of reading," Diaz said. "As adults ... we've forgotten how reading works. The reading is not about you knowing every goddamn word."

He also talked about the book's relentless footnotes as a literary device. He likened their constant interruption to a kid who starts jabbering the minute their mom or dad makes a phone call. Diaz said that literature can function as a sort of dictatorship when only one person is allowed to speak.

"The person in the footnotes was trying to fuck the whole thing up," he said. "I wasn't trying to blend it. I wanted the two narratives to fight."

He ended the talk with a brief reading, and that was it. Band, horns down. A long line promptly formed for a book signing, but it seemed like the best thing to do was call it a night and continue enjoying the book on my own. On to David Sedaris in April.

Alec Baldwin, Jonas Brother

I love me some Alec Baldwin, and I have to give the Jonas Brothers props for being willing to poke fun at themselves. Apropos of nothing, Nick's scarf is fresh as hell.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 36

Now begins the fun part of AMERICAN IDOL, when the 36 top contestants sing for America and get rejected by YOU.

Side note: Was there anything more boring than last Wednesday night’s show? Not one but two hours of watching anxious kids walk the grounds of Flava Flav’s mansion or wherever they hell they were to be told yay or nay by Simon and the Three Stooges.

To prepare you for the festivities ahead, my daughter Annie and I will provide all the information you need to go into these next rounds suitably prejudiced.

Before we start, it seems unfair that kids with recording contracts or starring roles in WICKED should be in competition with oil rig hard hat guys. Isn’t the idea to give people a chance who otherwise couldn’t meet Clive Davis if Clive ran them over with his car?

That said, here are some of this year’s candidates.

Adam Lambert – He’s from San Francisco. He’s in the LA production of WICKED, and people were shocked to hear he’s gay. Should do great on Andrew Lloyd Webber night, really bad on red neck country night.

Michael Sarver – Works on an oil rig. Has never heard of WICKED.

Alexis Grace – 21 with a kid. Hey, it worked for Fantasia. Hopes to get a recording contract and afford day care. Does great Celine Dion impression. Is that a good thing?

Tatiana Nicole Del Toro – Completely nuts. Easily the most annoying contestant ever. The only time I want to see Tatiana on Fox is when Jack Bauer is torturing her. And even if she tells him what he wants to know he still doesn’t stop.

Danny Gokey – Great singer. Wife died. He would have made it anyway.

Jorge Nunez – Sang in Spanish. Did I miss something? Is this Puerto Rico Idol?

Scott MacIntyre – Blind. That alone should put him in the top 5. As a bonus, he can actually sing!

Jackie Tohn – Didn’t bring down the house in Hollywood but brought down the screen in her New York audition. She says phrases like: “What up with the what-ups?” Gibberish to the rest of the world but Randy Jackson.

Nathaniel Marshall -- 18, mom’s in prison, cries a lot, sports multiple studs, wears headbands, bandanas, can snap his toes. Will either become AMERICAN IDOL or QUEEN FOR A DAY.

Nick Mitchell – Also known as “Norman Gentle”, a flamboyant diva bad lounge act. Always sings in this character. Still more genuine than Tatiana.

Taylor Vaifauna – (pictured above) 16, Polynesian, and of course is from Utah.

Anoop Desai – Slumdog Idol.

Matt Breitzke – Welder. Some contestants play their own instruments. He builds his own sets.

Kristen McNamara – Blonde, can yodel. Better hope there’s yodeling week. Otherwise, no chance.
Jesse Langseth – We have no idea.

Ricky Brady – Same with this guy. Who the hell is he?

Pretty girl/sings pretty well – AnnaMarieBoskovichCaseyCarlsonKendallBeardMeganCorkreyMishavonnaHensonStevieWright

Pretty boy/sings pretty well – AlexWagnerTrugmanBrentKeithKaiKalamaKrisAllenMattGiraudVonSmith

May the least offensive, least derivative, best looking person who sleeps with Paula win.

Diaz Speaks Tonight

OK, it looks like I won't finish "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" in time for author Junot Diaz's 7 Days of Opening Nights appearance. But based solely on his salty, rambling, funny interviews (which he did not grant the Democrat for some reason) I'm looking forward to hearing him talk tonight. I'm not even 100 pages in, and I'm already convinced that Diaz is some kind of genius. (Duh. The book won a Pulitzer.) A few choice lines:

"You really want to know what being an X-Man feels like? Just be a smart bookish boy of color in a contemporary U.S. ghetto. Mamma Mia! Like having bat wings or a pair of tentacles growing out of your chest."

"Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years."

"For Oscar, high school was the equivalent of a medieval spectacle, like being put in the stocks and forced to endure the peltings and outrages of a mob of deranged half-wits, an experience from which he supposed he should have emerged a better person, but that's not really what happened."

For the first time since I moved to Tallahassee, I am genuinely excited about the 7 Days of Opening Nights lineup — especially David Sedaris on April 16. I mean, I couldn't pretend I was interested in seeing Art Garfunkel last year or Kris Kristofferson the year before that. It seems like there's a little something for everybody this time, not just the boomers.

Anyway, I'll take notes tonight and try to cobble together a coherent report.

Hawaii so far

Happy President's Day. Thought I'd share some exotic photos I took with my iPhone. Here's Maui at night. There are so many artists and craftsmen on the island. Here's a jewelry stand featuring the best of local talent.

I forget. This is either a pig for tonight's luau or a glass blower.

A limbo contest. There were six of us taking pictures -- only of this girl.

This is from the Wailea Marriott. Maybe the worst room in Hawaii. It's right on the corridor leading from the lobby to all the rooms and the pool.


Makawao -- a charming cowboy town. It's where you can find western wear and of course, sushi.

The U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team. A lock for the gold.

More nature... the caverns and lagoons on Maui are breathtaking.

And even though this last picture doesn't give you a good sense of Hawaii I thought I'd include it anyway.