Curmudgeons, Unite!

My late grandfather was the first curmudgeon I truly admired. There was an art to his grumpiness — a world-weary annoyance at all the random crap that used to punctuate his day. He was never mean or hysterical, just always a little pissed off.

I used to think you had to be old to qualify for curmudgeon status, but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not even 40, and I'm sometimes surprised by how long the list of Things That Annoy Me has become. At this rate, I'll be screaming at kids (maybe my own) to "get the hell off my property" before I turn 45.

I thought of Grandpa Friday night when my husband and I went to see "Iron Man" (which was great). I don't have a problem with people chatting before the movie starts, but it became clear very early that we were sitting behind The Woman Who Laughs at Everything. Apparently, her husband is the wittiest man on the planet, though he appeared to be doing nothing other than eating nachos. Well into the previews, she leaned over and guffawed roughly every 10 seconds. I'd have moved, but the joint was packed. Thank God the action finally silenced her, or at least drowned her out.

In no particular order, here are other things that bring out my inner curmudgeon:

Talking at Concerts
OK, you've scored tickets to a fantastic show and have killer seats. You can't believe your luck. So why not celebrate ... by spending the entire 90 minutes yukking it up with friends? Seriously, why are you even here? Why didn't you just put "Roxanne" on repeat on your home stereo system and invite your equally clueless pals over? That way, you could have saved a lot of money and spared serious fans the aggravation. Next time, stay home.

Office Whistlers
We all have a little voice inside our heads that occasionally says things like, "You know that Manfred Mann song? Boy, it would be fun to whistle that from beginning to end!" Many of us ignore it when we're in close quarters with others. Not the Office Whistler. S/he has a song in his or her heart, and by God, s/he is going to share it. Repeatedly. Tunelessly. At an ear-stabbing volume. Indefinitely.

Underdressing
About a year ago, my husband and I went to dinner at Bonefish Grill, which is a pretty nice restaurant. It's not Le Cirque, but it's a notch above, say, Chili's. Most people were dressed like us — nice slacks and shirt, decent shoes, etc. But I distinctly remember several others in flip-flops, faded jeans and (my personal favorite) T-shirts bearing sports team logos. We all want to be comfortable, but is it that hard to throw on a polo shirt and a pair of clean pants? If you insist on looking like you don't give a shit at all times, I hear Wendy's makes a fine chicken sandwich.

Overdressing
This phenomenon is particularly familiar to those of us who went to historically black colleges. When I was an undergrad, it was common to see people (usually women) dressed to kill ... for biology class. I'm talking high heels, silk blouses, dangling earrings, designer purses. While I learned a lot about fashion by default, I've seen this taken way too far over the years. If you're only going to the mall or to Target, do you want to look like a "Sex and the City" refugee or a Kimora Lee Simmons impersonator?

Gum Poppers
I enjoy a good piece of chewing gum. However, I try not to telegraph that pleasure by chewing it with my mouth open or cracking the little air bubbles over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, until others want to jam a hand in my mouth and physically remove the Wrigley's.

What are your pet peeves? I mean, besides ranting bloggers.

The Florida Legislature Makes My Head Hurt

When you've lived in Florida as long as I have, you learn to put up with certain things. Hurricane season. Huge, flying cockroaches. The Florida Legislature.

I am not a wonk or a political junkie. But over the years, I've been fascinated by the breathtaking stupidity of some of the legislative proposals coming out of the state Capitol. I know there are lawmakers who are trying to do the right thing and who aren't wasting my money with boot contests, but the state of things is pretty depressing.

Never mind that proposed budget cuts ($4 billion) will hobble public schools and a number of programs that serve the sick and needy. No, what lawmakers really need to take a stand on is: evolution!

Yep, a current Senate bill would "(provide) public school teachers with a right to present scientific information relevant to the full range of views on biological and chemical evolution; (and prohibit) a teacher from being discriminated against for presenting such information." That's just a fancy way of saying, "You can't punish a science teacher for espousing creationism." That sounds nice and fair — except that the whole God-created-the-universe idea has no place whatsoever in a SCIENCE classroom.

I know plenty of Christians who are outraged that this is being seriously discussed in 2008. I mean, if you truly believe that God created the Earth in seven, 24-hour days and that evolution is some nutty theory that contradicts the existence of a higher power, um, OK. But I don't want you teaching science to my kids.

Then there's the bill that would require women seeking an abortion to first have an ultrasound exam. They could then either see the image or sign a form declining to do so. I understand that people feel strongly about abortion, which raises complicated questions I'm not qualified to answer. But neither is the Florida Legislature. A pregnancy, welcome or not, is an extremely personal and individual circumstance, and this level of meddling is so blatantly inappropriate and unnecessary.

Besides, I have yet to see this level of hand-wringing concern on behalf of the "already born" who aren't faring so well. Interesting that you rarely see impassioned marches on the Capitol or hysterical letters to the editor on behalf of kids who are in foster care or being neglected/abused. (Did I mention that Florida is one of three states that ban gays outright from adopting? One of three. In the entire country.)

Anyway, it's nice to know that legislators aren't letting their fancy boots go unappreciated. Thanks, guys.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 5 Hey hey Paula!

This was the greatest night of AMERICAN IDOL ever!!!

Paula Abdul actually critiqued Jason Castro’s second song EVEN BEFORE HE SANG IT! And she had SPECIFICS!! This proves two things: Paula Abdul’s brain is not as highly developed as a mollusk's. And two, the judges watch the dress rehearsal and in many cases formulate their spontaneous opinions beforehand.

But offering a DETAILED critique of a performance not yet given... in front of thirty million people? What a colossal embarrassment. And an instant television classic. Let’s face it, it’s finally time for AMERICAN IDOL’S producers to think about replacing her. I hear Miss South Carolina is available.

This was Neil Diamond night and my heart went out to the contestants. How can you possibly do a memorable performance when you have to sing lyrics like “And no one heard at all, not even the chair”?

I knew we were in for an evening of hilarity right off the bat when Ryan narrated that puff piece on Diamond and actually said, “One of his greatest successes came from the movie THE JAZZ SINGER”. I almost fell off the couch. The remake of THE JAZZ SINGER is a legendary Hollywood trainwreck. Neil Diamond, who has never acted, and was 39 at the time, played an adolescent. There’s a scene in which he sings in blackface. It was a movie that not only killed his feature career along with Lucie Arnaz’s. It almost finished off Sir Laurence Olivier’s as well. Yes, one of Mr. Diamond’s “greatest successes”.

As a mentor I thought he was good with the kids although some of his advice was less than helpful. He suggested that Brooke White change a lyric from “I’m New York City born” to “I’m Arizona born” since that’s where she hails from. So she did. But then the next line made no sense – “I’m lost between two shores”. What east coast ocean does Arizona border? Paula? Do you know that one?

Each contestant sang two numbers. One in the first half hour, one in the second (except for Jason Castro who in Paula’s mind sang two in the first half hour and can fly).

Jason did a passable version of “Forever in Blue Jeans” and slaughtered “September Morn”. Why is he wasting his time trying to be a professional singer when he has such a bright career ahead of him as Lisa Edelstein?

David Cook sang two Neil Diamond songs I never heard of. I think they were from Neil’s “Hot August Night—I’m wearing pirate shirts now” era.

Brooke White sang both of her songs in one take. And for the second she resorted to her Steinway crutch. My problem with Brooke now is that at any minute I expect her to have a complete breakdown. Do you want your next American Idol to be strapped to her bed for her own safety?

David Archuleta sang “Sweet Caroline” but as any Boston Red Sox fan KNOWS, you pause for the “oh oh oh’s” and “So good, so good, so good’s”. Otherwise, why on God's green earth would ANYBODY sing that song? Then he did “America” wisely choosing that one over “Crunchy Granola Suite”.

Syesha Mercado wore a hot purple dress this week. I hope it’s enough.

But no one will remember the performances. All anyone will be talking about is Paula Abdul and that incisive critique of a song that no one heard. Not even the chair.

No Forgetting PAULA Marshall...

You know it's pilot season when...

(from Wednesday's Hollywood Reporter:)

Jay Mohr, PAULA MARSHALL and Jaime King have been tapped to star in CBS' untitled Ed Yeager comedy pilot.
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP coming soon.

My boyfriend looks just like a movie star!

One of the staples of romcom is mistaken identity. Comedy comes from the confusion of someone either posing as someone else or someone believing somebody is somebody else. When you watch and hopefully enjoy these farces do you ever think to yourself, “Oh, this could never happen in real life”?

Well here’s one that really did happen. Just last Wednesday, in that always crazy kooky town of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
A guy and his girlfriend were watching a porno movie at 10:30 in the morning in their house. (A far better alternative than THE VIEW). The girl, 20 year old Amanda Moya (pictured above) suddenly thought a certain porn actor who had just entered the scene was in fact her boyfriend. (Wouldn’t he have to resemble the actor in two ways? But I digress.)

She want bat-shit. This is the kind of "previous experience" she must have felt he was obliged to reveal before they moved in together...and had a kid.

Amanda grabbed a large kitchen knife and started chasing him around the house. The terrified look-alike called 911 on his cell as he dodged his knife-wielding beloved.

Wearing only shorts he bolted out of the house and ran down the street for his life, still on line with 911. Meanwhile Amanda followed, hell bent to go all Benihana on him.

He breathlessly told the dispatcher that Amanda had already stabbed him and bitten him on his chest. And then he offered, “She already has battery charges against her. She’s not even supposed to be around me.” (Quick reminder: they live together. And have a child.)

The 911 operator told him to get to a store while she called authorities. (How come you never see this high-speed chase on COPS?) Amanda, with thoughts I'm sure of becoming the next Lorena Bobbitt, remained in hot pursuit.

The victim tells the dispatcher that he sees the arriving cops. But he’s worried they'll just keep heading to his house. The dispatcher says, “Do they see your girlfriend?” He says, “Yes!” She says be sure to point her out. (A crazed woman waving the O.J.-weapon-of-choice isn’t enough to catch a policeman’s attention?)

Amanda was arrested and charged with aggravated assault & battery. Sometimes a happier ending than guy-gets-the-girl is cops-get-the girl.

Watch your local listings. Scheduled for next summer release: SLICE OF LOVE starring Lindsay Lohan, and introducing Rock Hard.

Stacey Dash: Like, Whoa

Stacey Dash (Cher from "Clueless") is one of those women I look at and think, "Why didn't she have a bigger career?" Maybe she isn't Alfre Woodard, but she's drop-dead gorgeous and has a certain presence. God knows there are plenty of successful actresses coasting on less. If she were a young actress in Hollywood today, I think she'd have a better shot.

Did I mention that she's 41? Forty. One.

I know I ranted a few days ago about how people act as though an attractive woman over 30 is a rarity — especially if she's a mom, as Dash is. I also realize that King magazine may have employed a bit of Photoshop when processing this June 2008 cover shot and the accompanying inside photos. And yes, she probably has more time to work out than the average woman and blah, blah, blabbity blah. But still. Holy crap.

I was browsing magazines in Borders last week when a herd of enthusiastic, young males opposite me grabbed this issue and proceeded to drool upon it. Suffice to say that they were very (and loudly) appreciative of Ms. Dash's image. In fact, when I told my husband the story, all he heard was, "Stacy Dash is on the cover of King magazine." When she was in that Kanye West video a few years back, my friend J. and I talked about how our husbands would stop whatever they were doing when it came on. As in, they would wordlessly stare at the screen while she ran through an airport in a little strapless dress. So I knew it was just a matter of time before that issue of King turned up in our house.

And I'm not hating, because as J. once put it, "Girl, what can you say? Some people are just gifted."

Mosh pit roll call: Buffy, Muffy, Duffy, and Tippy...

How’d you like to be in the mosh pit during an AMERICAN IDOL taping? It’s easy! All you have to do is be a hot coed, get accepted to UCLA or USC, and join a sorority. And you thought all girls in Southern California were blond, beautiful, and swayed in unison.

The show’s producers recruit these sororities. They further orchestrate things by placing the most attractive girls in camera view, instructing them to clap with their hands over their heads (otherwise America doesn’t know they’re appreciative), and choreographing their swaying back and forth.

The New York Times recently blew the lid off this shocking story.

AMERICAN IDOL was accused or almost trying to script the audience’s reaction. How dare they?! But the truth is…

ALL TELEVISION SHOWS FILMED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE DO THIS.

There is always a warm-up guy who instructs the audience to be lively, clap loudly, and in the case of a comedy, laugh like an blithering idiot whether you think something is funny or not. And then laugh again just as hard the second or third time when the scene is re-shot. I can think of a couple of shows where the audience members deserve more pay than the actors.

Some sitcoms tell the audience not to applaud when cast members enter scenes for the first time. It takes the viewer out of the "reality" of the story. Other shows encourage it. They want to send the message that you must be watching comic geniuses if they receive that kind of adoration. Watch an old episode of THE JEFFERSONS. The crowd goes bat-shit when neighbor Bentley enters a scene.

On CHEERS we also asked the audience not to go “Awwwwwww” during heartfelt moments or whoop (for any reason). Other series even add "Awwwww's" -- usually whenever there's a cute kid and a puppy in the same scene and comic savior Urkel is nowhere to be found.

Remember that tickets to television tapings are free. So if they ask that you laugh or don't boo when Jason Castro mangles "Itsy Bitsy Spider" it's a small price to pay. And when I was doing the warm-up for CHEERS I could kick myself that I didn't think of that sorority angle.

I've moved to LA. Now what??? Advice for writers

From time to time I get questions from aspiring writers who have thrown all their belongings into their car or rented truck and have made the big move to LA.

QUESTION: I will obviously have to take another job. The best jobs would seem to me to be production assistant (watching a show get made from the inside) and writers assistant (working with someone who knows what they're doing). How do I start looking for work in these areas?

ANSWER: First off, it helps to know somebody. ANYBODY. This is the automatic answer to any question involving industry employment. Don’t sleep with anyone to get one of these jobs. Having to get sandwiches for them is demoralizing enough. Short of a connection, write to every show and offer your services. Write to the production companies and networks too. Find out what writer/producers have development deals. They may need assistants. Do a little homework. Who went to your college? Who’s from your hometown? Who got drunk and sang “My Heart Will Go On” in a karaoke bar one night? Shows start staffing around the beginning of June. New ones are the best. You’re not competing with any returnees.

QUESTION: I'm working under the assumption that PA and WA jobs are entry level. Is this correct? What skills should I emphasize for these jobs?

ANSWER: You are correct. As entry as can be. The pay scale was set by the Triangle Shirt Factory in 1911. For Writers Assistant positions you must be very proficient in computers, can type like the wind, and can hold your tongue when you hear morons less talented than you pitch jokes that people on laughing gas wouldn’t chuckle at. For a Production Assistant -- have a car.

QUESTION: What does a writers resume look like?

ANSWER: There isn’t any standard format that I know of. I think Kinkos provides a few sample templates although they may insist you xerox a thousand copies before they’ll let you see them. It’s pretty basic. List pertinent information. What you’ve written, educational background, any awards, previous experience that might be impressive. Leave out hobbies and special skills. You’re not an actor. We don’t give a shit that you can fence, yodel, or ride a horse.

QUESTION: What other jobs might you recommend that might help me as a developing writer?

ANSWER: A script reader, providing coverage for a studio. Interning at a studio or network in their development or current departments. Mailroom in a talent agency (the Guantanamo prison of show biz). Personal assistant to a writer (if a writer can afford a personal assistant he’s probably somebody and helpless). Network page. Dialogue coach.

QUESTION: Where could I go to get an unbiased critique?

ANSWER: It’s not a question of whether the reader is unbiased. It’s whether he knows a good script from GIGLI. Writing instructors often are a good source. Or fellow writers whose opinions you trust. I’d avoid the folks who want to charge you to critique your script. They’re usually bad writers with gambling debts.

QUESTION: Are there any contests, competitions etc. that you consider legit? For example if you were considering hiring a new writer what contest could they have under their belt which might make you inclined to give them a thumbs up?

ANSWER: A Heisman Trophy. Actually, there’s no one contest that is the Pulitzer of specs. But any competition you win or place highly in is a plus… except maybe PROJECT GREENLIGHT. Winning the Diane Thomas Award from UCLA is pretty big stuff. You would certainly get agent consideration by acing one of these competitions. And whatever prize or bowling trophy you get is keen. If you win a playwrighting contest you might get the benefit of a reading or staged production of your work. That’s way more valuable than a plaque. But ultimately it’s your spec script that is going to sell you.

QUESTION: If I can’t get an entry level job in the industry what are the best jobs to get?

ANSWER: Assuming that while you work you’re going to continue writing specs you need a job that pays enough to live on (duh) and you don’t take home with you after your shift. If you’re writing with a partner you obviously have to coordinate your schedules. Get a gig at Starbucks so you can walk around and see what everyone else is writing. Work at an LAX parking toll booth. That way you only have to use .000001% of your brain. I taught idiots how to be disc jockeys at a Broadcasting School. What a jerk-off job that was. But I was done everyday at 6. And no weekends. The students needed that time to memorize how to announce weather forecasts.

QUESTION: There are sometimes ads looking for screenwriters. Is that something worth pursuing?

ANSWER: I say beware. Usually these are not WGA signatories which means you get screwed. The pay is crap, you have no rights or protection, you’ll work like a galley slave, and chances are the movie will never get made. I know it’s tempting and you’d rather get a job using your skills than putting on a straw hat and serving "cups of dirt" at TGI Fridays, but trust me, your writing time will be better spent crafting a spec, which, if it sells, will pay infinitely more than some laundry magnate’s pet project on the man who invented Sanforizing.

We all have to start somewhere. At times it’s confusing, exasperating, demeaning, and depressing. But when you make it you will look back nostalgically at that period as one of the best of your lives. And for me there’s the added glow that I contributed so much to radio.

I guarantee you will laugh at this scene!

I had the good fortune to direct this episode of FRASIER, called ROZ & THE SCHNOZ. It was brilliantly written by Jeffrey Richman.

The premise: Roz is pregnant and meets the father's parents (played to perfection by Kevin Kilner and Jordan Baker). She is horrified to learn they both have huge noses. Will her baby have one too? This is the dinner party scene when everyone arrives and gets their first look.

There are times when it appears the actors are about to lose it. Those moments are real. David and Jane especially.

It was a tricky scene to stage, finding different ways to do the reveal as each character entered. But at the end of the day I couldn't be happier with the results. I think this is one of those rare scenes where you can watch it over and over again and laugh every single time.

Enjoy. I know you will.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

Guy is jilted and goes on vacation to tropical paradise. Once there, guy finds the woman who jilted him is staying right next door. Guy hooks up with another woman. Awkward scene as the two couples have dinner together. Guy fakes having loud wild sex to make the jilt-ee jealous.

These are scenes from FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL now playing in a theater near you.

They are also scenes from the two-part FRASIER episode “Adventures in Paradise” written by David Isaacs and me fourteen years ago (now playing on a cable channel near you).

That said, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL had several funny Judd Apatow moments and even though the story was paper-thin and it looked like they filmed this “Hawaii” movie in Oxnard I still found it to be a very serviceable romcom (which by today's romcom yardstick is a rave).

The TV spoofs and the “opera” scenes alone are worth the price of (first-showing matinee) admission.

But one thing we didn’t do on FRASIER was have Kelsey Grammer show his willy.

Jason Segal showed his though in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. Several times. There are many euphemisms for penis. You can add one more -- Nakamora (regulars to this blog know what that means).

According to fifteen interviews I’ve read, producer Judd Apatow has taken it upon himself to shatter this long-standing taboo of full-frontal nudity. I guess every man’s gotta have his own sacred crusade. And that’s fine except in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL I didn’t find it funny. Apatow said that during test screenings the audiences just howled during those scenes. Huh? No one in my audience even laughed.

Now don’t get me wrong – I’m all for a good penis joke. The drawings in SUPERBAD were hilarious and how could comedy writing rooms generate humor and self loathing without them? But something happens when you actually see the Full Monty on the screen. The initial reaction tends to be jarring and often times that’s just enough to kill the funny. And when it comes to laughs, size really does matter.

In the movie we wrote, VOLUNTEERS, there’s a scene where Peace Corps supervisor/boy scout/CIA agent John (Tim Thomerson) gives volunteer Beth (Rita Wilson) a small gift to show his affection. We wanted the gift to be a little off-kilter to signal to her that this guy may be a little weird. We discovered that there were these small Burmese statues that had huge penises. The perfect gift from any psychopath.

My partner and I were on hand for some of the editing, watching on a small movieola. There’s a point in that scene where the director had inserted a close-up of the statue. We questioned the wisdom of that. He argued that the audience wouldn’t get the joke if they only saw the statue in a master. Later that week we had a test screening. When this GIANT close-up of a penis filled the entire screen the women in the audience gasped and shrieked. David and I had to leave the theatre we were laughing so hard. Needless to say, the close-up came out.

Did they need to be so explicit in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL? I don't know. Maybe I saw it with an audience of Quakers. For all I know Jason Segal's penis tested better than he did. (I'm sure it tested better than Kristen Bell.) What did you think?

If you loved it, maybe there's time to get Kelsey to do some re-shoots for the DVD re-release.

Crimes of Literature: 'Flowers in the Attic'

Our book club is reading "Twilight," the first book in Stephanie Meyers' series of the same name, and it's not bad. My friend and fellow member S. teaches middle school English, and she wanted to see what all her students were raving about. What I've read so far suggests that Meyers has a keen awareness of what high school and adolescence is really like. In any case, it's nice to know that a decent book aimed at young readers is doing well. It's much better than a certain series that was popular when I was an impressionable teenager.

When I was 14, every girl I knew was obsessed with V.C. Andrews' "Flowers in the Attic" series. I was always reading something, so my mom never asked me what that particular set of books was about, thank God. I was thus spared the humiliation of explaining that "Flowers in the Attic" was essentially a love story — about a brother and a sister. "Their evil grandma locked them and their siblings in an attic. So they went through puberty up there, right? And even though they knew it was wrong, they were really in love!"

I've leafed through the books once or twice as an adult, and frankly, they're indefensible. Aside from their absurd plot twists (Wait, Catherine was stuck in an attic for a few years but somehow kept up her dance training to become a prima ballerina?), the writing is horrible. Eyes are not merely blue, but "cornflower blue." The only black people are kindly mammy/butler types. There seems to be a lot of sex, but only the kind that would fascinate someone who hadn't had any. I also noticed that the characters say "for" instead of "because," which comes up surprisngly often. As in: "I cannot forget you, Catherine, for you have captured my heart."

Seriously, what was I on? Because it's not like I stopped with "Flowers in the Attic." There was "Petals on the Wind," followed by "If There Be Thorns," "Seeds of Yesterday" and "Garden of Shadows." I read a few other V.C. Andrews books before I figured out that all of them had an icky edge of incest and were marinated in cliches. Like any respectable teenaged girl, I was a sucker for yarns about forbidden love. But I soon discovered others that actually had some literary merit ("The Thornbirds," "The Far Pavillions," etc.).

I know a few moms with teen girls, and whenever I tell them about "Flowers in the Attic," they're a) clueless and b) totally freaked out. Maybe they shouldn't be. Kids of a certain age are always going to find access to tasteless crap, but if you've done your job as a parent, they'll (probably) process it appropriately.

But if they start saying "for" instead of "because," you've been warned.

KOMEDY KONTEST Semi-finalists

Again, congratulations to Doug McEwan, winner of the Komedy Kontest. Also congratulations to Steve Zeoli, cfang19, jbryant,and the always familiar z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0 for making the finals.

These are the other entries the judge liked and considered very seriously. Getting it down to five was a bitch. I’m sure I’m going to receive a few comments saying “this one” or “that one” was better than any of the five finalists but remember, this is all subjective. It’s the opinion of one person (granted, a highly regarded professional but still, just one person). I post these to show that there were a lot of great entries. And again, my thanks to all who contributed.

Ken

Danny had such a fear of commitment that he….

…revealed on the third date his plans for a Star Wars/Start Trek/He-Man themed wedding (ladies choice)

… just had his 13th sex change operation.

…abandoned every blog comment before fini...

...began his prayers with "To whom it may concern..."

... had "Whatsername" tattooed on his bicep.

... changed his name to Undecided Voter and moved to a purple state.

… signed his love letters “anonymous”.

...only dated Alzheimer's patients.

...booked his honeymoon flight on American Airlines.

... would only watch new TV Series starring Jason Alexander.

…refused to take his parents' name.

…only dated fictional characters.

…was never married to the mob, they just kinda hung out together.

...was murdered by customers behind him at Baskin-Robbins.

…only dated women on death row.

…refuses to read "Us" Magazine.

...only eats waffles.

...spends every Tuesday night dialing 1-877-IDOLS-ALL.

…named his cat "we'll see how it goes"

... would say, "I'm seeing someone else" if he was stranded with a blond on a desert island.

…only yells “NO DEAL” at the T.V.

…never took the wheels off of his trailer house.

…could crash weddings to cure his hiccups.

...said "Runaway Bride" was his favorite movie.

...made his outgoing answering machine recording a break-up message.

…dated only the skinniest pale women in the crackhouse.

...stopped eating cereal because every box claimed "some settling may occur".

…keeps introducing Marcy as his first wife.

…was recently featured on the program "Switzerland's Most Wanted."

…broke up with his speed dates before the 8-minute buzzer.

... got married but still lives with his parents.

BONUS!!!

Professional comedy writer Lenny Ripps was given this same assignment. Here's his response. (Lenny was not the judge, by the way).

Danny had such a fear of commitment that his bathroom towels were labeled "His" and "Whores".

Ignorant Songs: Florida Does It Again

I've lived in Florida most of my adult live, so when it comes to music, I've heard some of the most ghetto tomfoolery imaginable. Luke. The Jam Pony Express. Poison Clan. One of my fondest memories (circa 1992) is of listening to a newspaper arts writer perform a Clay D. song intro that went something like this: "This is for all the motherf^%*ers who said Clay D wasn't s*&@!"

R. Kelly singlehandedly reset the bar, surpassing even his own enviable record of audio ignorance with "Real Talk." When I heard it last year, it was a bit like seeing Pacino in his prime. In the genre of "Songs to Embarrass the Race By," R. has long been the undisuputed master.

Well, the master has been upstaged. The paradigm has shifted. This song by Florida (of course) rapper Riskay is so over the top in its ignorance that I can't even bring myself to share the title. Perhaps these choice lyrics will provide a clue: I might break bread with one or two strippers/but that don't mean you got to pull my zipper.

As an aside, I don't think this is the kind of iPhone product placement that Steve Jobs had in mind.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 6

If AMERICAN IDOL is all about people trying to make a name for themselves by covering other artists’ work, then who better than Andrew Lloyd Webber to be this week’s celebrity mentor?

In general I thought this was one of the better weeks, which is usually the case when the contestants have to sing songs with real melodies. Okay, a lot of the notes were lifted from Giacomo Puccini but still, they were actual compositions (as opposed to last week’s screechfest).

Jason Castro didn’t know “Memory” was sung on stage by a cat. I guess the fact that it was from the musical CATS wasn’t enough of a clue for him. What a complete moron. He sang the song not as a cat but as roadkill. Could be going home this week to resume his career as a village idiot.

But Syesha Mercado – hubba hubba!! I’ve never been a fan before but zowie – the slinky red cocktail dress, the sultry moves – I loved her. She dirtys up well. Syesha sang “One Rock n’ Roll Too Many” and clearly she has a future in musical theatre. She’d be great as Dorothy in THE WIZ or Gary Coleman in AVENUE Q.

Brooke White’s schtick is that she makes every song so personal, which is why I laughed for five minutes when Sir Andew listened to her rehearse and said “she didn’t have a clue as to what she was singing about.” For the second time in the competition Brooke had a false start and had to begin again. It was one of the few reminders that this was live. But I fear it may cost her. America likes its spontaneity polished and rehearsed. She sang “You Must Love Me”. I think with Webber’s help she finally understood that the true meaning of this song is a desperate plea for votes.

David Archuleta sang “Think of Me” from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, making it his own – and by that I mean turning it into “Beauty and the Beast”. It’s a song normally sung by a woman but we may find out in ten years that it was.

I loved Carly Smithson’s version of “Jesus Christ Superstar”. The key to her staying in the competition is not letting her scary tattooed-covered skinhead husband get on camera. Remember, the kids are voting for AMERICAN IDOL not AMERICAN PSYCHO.

And finally, David Cook did a mesmerizing version of “Music of the Night” from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. He sang it pretty much like Michael Crawford but since no one who votes knows who the hell Michael Crawford is, or PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, or Puccini, or EVITA, or maybe even Jesus Christ (although that could just be Jason Castro), I’m sure they felt David’s version was original.

All in all, good performances and no one sang DON’T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA. I don't think I could ask for anything more...okay, maybe a Syesha wardrobe malfunction. But that's just me.

Below is the winner of the KOMEDY KONTEST. Check it out.

KONGRATULATIONS !!

... Doug McEwan

... whose entry in the KOMEDY KONTEST received the most votes.

DANNY HAD SUCH A FEAR OF COMMITMENT THAT HE...

B...told his mother he "Wanted to see other moms."

Also kongrats to the other four finalists -- Steve Zeoli, cfang19, spike,and z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0. All the entries got a lot of votes. Even E.

A signed AfterMASH script is on its way to you Doug. Perfect for starting that AfterMASH shrine in your home.

Tomorrow I will post all the semi-finalist entries (along with a bonus). Thanks to everybody for participating. This has been a real fun experiment.

Rats jumping sinking ships for other sinking ships

The big industry story at the moment is the insane musical chairs going on between agents and big name agencies. Now that there are so few that it’s hard to merge, the next best thing is to poach each other.

So game on! It’s like Hollywood’s version of “Sadie Hawkins Day”.

Particularly vulnerable is UTA. Rumors abound that their star agents are defecting to other tenpercentaries. Other rumors say that no one is leaving. Anyone who believes those rumors also believes that David Spade can still open a movie.

So if you’re sending a script to an agent this week better play it safe. Make five copies and send it to him at CAA, William Morris, Endeavor, ICM, and UTA. And just for good measure, make five more and send them to CBS, NBC, Fox, HBO, and the New England Patriots (one reliable source says a UTA agent has been traded to the Pats for their third pick in today’s draft).

What this all means is this: Now when I call my agency not only will they not who I am, they won’t know who my agent is either.

I love this town!

Winner of the Komedy Kontest and my AMERICAN IDOL recap follows late tonight.

Me and my good buddy Jackie Chan

Last day to vote in the Komedy Kontest. And you don't have to be from Pennsylvania either.


When you think of Dodgers and "Jackie" only one name comes to mind.

Jackie Chan.

Recently Jackie Chan threw out the first pitch at Dodger Stadium. Beforehand I interviewed him briefly. It was supposed to be an intimate one-on-one. Instead it became a rather crazed sixty-on-one. A hundred Asian media people surrounded us with microphones and TV cameras. I was probably on Beijing Eyewitness News. Except, now that I think about it, my questions were rather bizarre. I imagine these reporters listening back to the interview going "Huh???" This was recorded down on the field and at one point security people moved us all, adding yet another element of goofiness.

Click To Play

This aired on our KABC Sunday night show followed by a brief discussion imaging how Jackie might fit into a baseball-themed movie. I came up with four possible titles.

FISTS OF FURY IN THE OUTFIELD
FIELD OF NINJAS
BULL DRAGON
PRIDE OF THE FEARLESS HYENA

He's a good guy. A real good sport (considering my questions). And I could easily see him as Lou Gehrig.

Madge's Thighs Continue Reign of Intimidation

The most intriguing thing about Madonna's "4 Minutes" video isn't the way she holds her own while dancing with Justin Timberlake or the peep-my-innards special effects. It's her thighs. Granted, the woman is a former dancer who, along with Sting, is a walking advertisement for serious yoga. And I realize it's part of her job to look that way. But when you consider that she is almost 50 and has birthed two children — well, words fail.

I'm wary of using celebrities as inspiration for anything. I know I am not destined to have those kinds of legs, no matter how much I work out or how much white flour I avoid. However, I'll take any motivation I can find to make it through a tough, tedious workout, bringing me one step closer to being able to wear shorts again. Why, I think I feel bad haiku coming on!

Madonna's sleek thighs

Where is the telltale jiggle?

To the gym I go.

Names in scripts

Only two more days to vote in the Komedy Kontest. AMERICAN IDOL gets 30,000,000 votes a week. I'm hoping for twice that many. Okay...I'm hoping for a few hundred.
One of the hardest tasks in any script is coming up with names. They have to sound right, fit the character’s personality and ethnicity. Every writer has a different method for coming up with them. Woody Allen uses names that are as short as possible so he has less to type. For David and I, we tend to use either baseball player names or personal friends.

On MASH we had the added problem of all the patients that rotated in and out of the 4077th. For the seventh season we just used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodgers roster. When you watch those shows you’ll find private Garvey, Cey, Russell, Sutton, Rau, Rhoden, etc. By the end of the season we were down to coaches, announcers (Scully), and even the owner, O’Malley. The year before we had an episode with four Marine patients. They were the then-Angels infield (Chalk, Grich, Remy, Solita). We once wrote a movie about a Club Med being held hostage and maturely used the entire 1960 Pittsburgh Pirates roster.

We also use the names of personal friends. For the “Dancin’ Homer” episode of THE SIMPSONS the minor league announcer (voiced by me) was named Dan Hoard (pictured left), my broadcasting partner in Syracuse. The major league spieler was Dave Glass, my partner in Tidewater (former San Francisco Giant announcer and now mayor of Petaluma.) The Capital City owner who fires Homer was “Dave Rosenfield”, my GM at Tidewater.

In the “Point of View” episode of MASH, the central patient is named “Bobby Rich”. Bobby is a radio personality who hired me in San Diego and is now in Tucson (pictured right). General “Dean Goss” is another former radio chum. For many years he was a morning man at KFRC in San Francisco. The blind patient Hawkeye befriended in “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” was “Tom Straw”, a friend from high school who became a TV writer himself (NIGHT COURT, GRACE UNDER FIRE, THE COSBY SHOW, CRAIG FERGUSON SHOW).

Radar’s girlfriend in “Goodbye Radar” was “Patty Haven”, my former girlfriend. In an earlier episode he was sweet on nurse “Linda Nugent”, a girl I was sweet on in high school. Radar had better luck than I did.

Maybe the happiest married couple I know is Bill & Sherry Grand. So naturally when we needed a couple on CHEERS with a marriage so bad the husband tried to end it in murder we gave them the names “Bill & Sherry Grand”.

Many other writers use this device as well. Scully from X-Files was named for Vin Scully. When she left the show he was replaced by Doggett. Jerry Doggett was Vin Scully’s broadcast partner on the Dodgers.

There was a writing team, Gloria Banta and Pat Nardo who wrote for MTM in the halcyon days. When the producers moved on to TAXI two characters were named Elaine Nardo and Tony Banta. I’m sure there are thousands of other examples. 24 has named various bad guys after network and studio executives.

One time this practice backfired on us. David and I were rewriting MANNEQUIN 2 (believe it or not, the first draft was not perfect). There was a security guard named Andy. We had to give him a last name and since we didn’t want to spend the entire afternoon coming up with one (okay…five minutes) we just used Ackerman. Andy Ackerman is a long time colleague and director (CHEERS, SEINFELD, BECKER, and every pilot that Jim Burrows doesn’t direct). Unfortunately, in later rewrites the character became even more of a complete idiot and the name Andy Ackerman stuck. Ooops. Thank God no one ever saw the movie! And we learned our lesson. Anytime we have a character now who’s going to be a goof we go right to the Clippers roster.

More Mary Tyler

Voting continues for the Komedy Kontest. The fate of an AfterMASH script might depend on YOU.

Thanks to all who liked the scene I posted a few weeks ago from the MARY pilot David and I wrote and unfortunately got on the air in 1985. Here's that post. For those who requested more, here’s another scene. For anyone writing a spec pilot it gives you an example of how to set up characters.

As a refresher, the premise was that Mary (as in Tyler Moore) was a high class fashion writer whose magazine folded. She winds up working at a sleazy Chicago tabloid. This is the scene right after she accepts the job. Tully is a legally blind copy editor. David Byrd plays him. Katey Segal plays Jo Tucker, a Fran Liebowitz type columnist, and John Astin is theatre critic Ed LaSalle.

****
INT. CITY ROOM – DAY

TULLY IS GUIDING MARY TO AN EMPTY DESK IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.

TULLY
This will be your desk.

THERE’S A DESK FACING HERS AND SHE’S FLANKED CLOSELY BY TWO OTHERS.

MARY
What do I do for privacy?

TULLY
Go home at night.

MARY
Who has the desk facing me?

TULLY
Jo Tucker. Good luck.

HE WALKS AWAY, CROSSING BY JO TUCKER, WEARING A PULLOVER SWEATER AND SLACKS, CIGARETTE DANGLING FROM HER LIPS.

JO
You’ll need it.

MARY
Jo Tucker…isn’t he that nasty bitter man who writes the “Main Line Chicago” column?

JO, NOW SITTING AT HER DESK:

JO
Yes, I am.

MARY
You’re Jo Tucker?

JO
Yes, and I don’t like being called bitter. I prefer…macho. So, you’re going to do the Help Line – solving problems for Chicagoland’s great unwashed. (THEN) You’re not going to keep little stuffed Care Bears on your desk, are you?

MARY
I’m only here until something better comes along. (TO HERSELF) Like a job in a limestone quarry.

JO LIGHTS ANOTHER CIGARETTE WITH THE BUTT OF THE ONE SHE HAD BEEN SMOKING.

JO
Cigarette?

MARY
No. I don’t smoke.

JO
Might as well. You’re going to die sitting across from me.

A VETERAN OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS WHO LOOKS LIKE HE’S PROBABLY “HOISTED A FEW” OVER THE YEARS, ED LASALLE APPROACHES.

ED
Ed LaSalle.

HE WAITS FOR HER RESPONSE AS IF SHE SURELY RECOGNIZES THE NAME.

MARY
(SHE DOESN’T) Hello…Mary Brenner.

ED
Ed LaSalle.

MARY
Mary Brenner.

ED
Just wanted to welcome you aboard, Mary Brenner. I’ve lived in Chicago my whole life. The Second City. The Windy City. The Big Shoulders. Hog Butcher to the World. Chi-town, my town. You’re going to love it here.

MARY
I’m from here.

ED
(HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW) Ed LaSalle.

JO
(IMPATIENT) The theatre critic.

MARY
Oh. Of course.

ED
You like theatre, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Yes, yes I do.

ED
There’s a lot of great theatre in this town.

MARY
(TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION) Did you like “Cats”?

ED
Never saw it.

MARY
Oh. How about “Dreamgirls”…?

ED
Uh-uh. Mary Brenner, that’s all commercial pap. I cover the real theatre. Chicago’s theatre. Daring, experimental, the raw side of life. Emotions stripped bare. The refuse of the human condition that can be rated on a scale of one to ten. You know what’s the worst part of being a critic, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Musicals?

ED
No. Most nights I have no one to accompany me. Are you married?

MARY
(IMMEDIATELY) Yes.

ED
How come you aren’t wearing a wedding band, Mary Brenner?

MARY
Well, I’m not…technically married.

ED
Then, it’s the Big D.

MARY
Well, yes.

ED
(LEANS IN CLOSE) Good. Then, it looks like you are going to be (POINTEDLY) “steppin’ out with Ed LaSalle”.

MARY
Well…maybe. We’ll see.

ED
Steppin’ out with Ed LaSalle.

MARY
What?

ED
Steppin’ Ou ---

JO
That’s the name of his column.

MARY
Thank you. (TO ED) And a very clever name it is.

ED
If you need any help in naming your column…

MARY
I know where to come, thanks.

HE MOVES ON. MARY WAVES AWAY THE CIGARETTE SMOKE.

MARY
I don’t suppose I could ask you –

JO
Not if it would end world hunger. I like to smoke. Y’see, by nature I’m a very private person. I don’t care for people or things much, so I keep to myself… mostly in my apartment. It’s a rather dull existence. (HOLDING UP CIGARETTE) So these give me that chance to live life on the edge.

MARY
Have you ever tried cyclamates?

*******

13 and out – which should be the name of our production company.

Have You Slapped a Precocious Kid Today?

Like most precocious children, I had no idea how annoying I was until I became an adult. When I was in the second grade, I saw my teacher drinking a cola on her break. I told her that I was concerned for health and that sodas weren't good for her. I can't remember why my mom was at school that day, but after witnessing me administer this smug little health tip, she took me aside and said, "Sometimes you need to keep your opinions to yourself." I didn't understand her criticism. I may have even said something back like, "She'll thank me one day."

But now I get it. Because if there's anything former know-it-all kids can't stand, it's current know-it-all kids. How else to explain my white-hot hatred of the elementary school kid with a column in the local paper?

Normally, I wouldn't go after a kid in this kind of forum, especially one doing something "positive." But his last entry about an educational vacation trip really sent me over the edge. It was well written considering his age, but it was also pompous and full of no-shit, Keillor-lite observations and asides that would rankle anybody over age 12. When my husband hears me grumbling, "Good one, Captain Obvious," he just walks over and takes the paper out of my hands. I've tried not to read the thing, but it's like "The Family Circus" at this point. I can't look away.

For one thing, this kid's columns make painfully clear just how insufferable I and my little posse of apple-polishing, climbing nerds must have been. I didn't have a newspaper column when I was growing up, but the hometown paper once asked me and a handful of other kids what we liked about Easter. Instead of just riffing on jellybeans and Easter eggs like a normal 7-year-old, I droned about "the resurrection of Christ." It's even more horrifying to see the accompanying mug shot, in which I am wearing pigtails and a self-satisfied grin.

As much as I'd love to open fire on some of George Will Jr.'s specific writing crimes, that seems too mean. But when I told my friend K. that I see the kid walking to school sometimes, he said I should roll down the window and yell, "Your column sucks!"

In addition to being horribly wrong, it would only give him something else to write about.

KOMEDY KONTEST FINALISTS -- VOTE NOW

Here they are, the five finalists. The judge said it was verrrry hard narrowing them down and a good fifteen others just missed the cut. Congratulations to those who were nominated. My sincere thanks to everyone for playing. If you were nominated, please email me directly so I can get your contract information.

Now comes the voting. It's up to you Ameria...and the world. Simply leave a comment voting for A, B, C, D, E. This is the only time I'll accept anonymous comments. And please just confine your comments to voting. I don't need any "these all suck, mine was so much better" posts. Remember, this is all in the spirit of fun.

So now, here they are.

DANNY HAD SUCH A FEAR OF COMMITMENT THAT HE...

A... shouts his own name during sex.

B...told his mother he "Wanted to see other moms."

C...listed his actual salary on match.com.

D...was fired from the video store for stocking "Four Weddings and a Funeral" under "horror".

E...that he only dated Iraqi female suicide bombers.

The polls are open! Voting ends at 11:59 PM PDT on Tuesday night April 22. One vote per comment. Again, many thanks to all who participating. Remember, the prize is spectacular (a signed AfterMASH script) so take great care in your voting.

Addendum: Very interesting reaction to E. Most people think it's in poor taste. And a few have voted for it. It certainly is not politically correct. On the other hand, comedy is sometime very subversive, risky, and even offensive. So in a strange way I'm glad that E. is there. You don't have to vote for it (and clearly many of you are not) but I like that there's a wide range of styles and tones. If I had received 600 variations of the same line it wouldn't be any fun. This might be a great topic for debate in a later post.

Komedy Kontest update

The five finalists will be announced later tonight.

In Praise of the Smokin' Dad

It's nice to live in an age when women over 40 aren't automatically consigned to the Sexually Neutral dustbin. But something about the whole Cougar/MILF/GILF thing pisses me off — aside from the icky acronym. Notice how no one ever says, "Hey, that guy is a father of three, but he's still good-looking" or "Man, it's amazing how great Phil looks at age 42"? It's as if people are surprised to see an attractive mom who owns a tube of lipstick and still goes to the gym (I know several). Or that a woman older than Carrie Underwood could still be hot. Why?

I mean, I see a lot of middle-aged dads, and it's not like their ranks are exactly filled with Hugh Jackman types. I think my 40-year-old runner/skater husband (and baby daddy) looks fantastic. But an awful lot of his peers look they aren't even trying, unlike their wives, who are berating themselves for not looking 23 and childless. So let us now praise and objectify the Smokin' Dad, that rare breed of eye candy.

First, there's the dad at my daughter's preschool: sleek as a cat, stylish in that urban slacker way and owner of a muy sexy accent. When he says "Good morning, ladies" after dropping his kid off, I know I'm not the only one going all fluttery inside. Good morning to you, sir!

There's another dad at my son's school, and he apparently comes straight from the gym to pick up his kid. I don't see him anymore since the husband and I switched schedules. That's too bad, because the guy is usually wearing shorts and a snug T-shirt. He's got a kind of Clark Kent thing going on with glasses, short, dark hair, and a nice ... form. Well done.

Smokin' Dad No. 3 walks past our neighborhood almost every day, and he's usually accompanied by his adorable toddler, equally cute wife and their three — yes, three — Weimeraner dogs. Sometimes he's got the kid strapped to his back. That's how hardcore he is, and it shows. Woof!

There are others, most notably the Former Geek Dads who have more than overcome their awkward teen phases. They were always the hottest ones, anyway.

Superman is a Dick

My friend C. made my day when she sent me a link to a Web site proving what many comics lovers have known for years: Superman is a dick. The site, a collection of absurd (and real) comic book covers is pure genius. Major props to those guys.

I get that Superman is iconic and I bow to no one in my love of him as portrayed by Christopher Reeve. But as an ongoing comics character, he's a boring, self-righteous meddler. He's most enjoyable when he's being needled by Batman. Plus, he has lousy taste in women. I have yet to understand what Superman sees in my fellow female journalist, Lois Lane. (As an aside, how is it that no one has figured out his identity? I worked in a lot of newsrooms, and if a guy that ripped and great-looking came on board as a reporter, it would raise suspicions. I'm just saying.)

Death to Canada Geese

My neighborhood has a gang problem. It is roamed by a pack of marauding Canada Geese who don't seem particularly interested in going back to Canada. In fact, they don't seem interested in doing much of anything except hanging out, blocking my driveway and crapping on every surface they can find.

Did I mention the crap? I don't mind sharing my property with God's creatures, but taking a dump on the driveway is just rude. I found an estimate online (which makes it official) claiming that one Canada Goose can poop a half pound per day. The evidence in my front yard suggests that is conservative.

The other problem is that these geese have no sense of urgency. They amble. You'd think they'd scramble at the sight of a car coming toward them, but no. When they're crossing my street, I have to drive right up on those suckers before they pick up the pace. Maybe they see my Volvo and think, "She's a tree-hugging liberal. She won't hit us."

I admit that I've had a bias against Canada Geese for years. A former colleague of mine once wrote a story about how they'd become a nuisance in Columbia, Md., and I will never forget this quote from one expert: "These geese couldn't find their way back home on the best day of their lives with a map and a compass."

OK, they are kinda pretty, and they don't have the creepy panhandling factor of the Muscovy ducks that populate a popular midtown lake. But they still suck. And the next one that poops on my driveway is gonna feel the wrath of my tree-hugging liberal garden hose.

My NETFLIX PICK OF THE MONTH

As a kid I used to love animated movies. Of course, in those days that primarily meant Disney… with the occasional full-length Mr. Magoo. That all changed when I had kids. After THE LITTLE MERMAID seemed to revive the genre there was a glut of animated features and I schlepped my kids to see many a RAINBOW BRIGHT and LAST UNICORN. They better not say bad things about me to their therapists EVER!!

Now it takes Pixar, great reviews, or the assurance that Jerry Seinfeld will not be involved to get me in to see a ninety-minute cartoon.

There is one animated film I always heard was great but never got around to seeing. (Okay, I’ll be honest, I never made the effort.) Recently “Ken’s Damn Friend” was praising it, even offering to lend me the DVD. I noticed it was on HBO this week so I set my Tivo. All I can say is “Wow!”

If you haven’t seen THE IRON GIANT you’ve got to check it out. Released in 1999 by Warner Brothers, it was directed by Brad Bird (of THE INCREDIBLES and RATATOUILLE fame) and is as smart, funny, and poignant as his other brilliant features.

Set in 1957 at the height of the Cold War, paranoia, and bad black-and-white science fiction movie craze (scaring the shit out of kids for a total budget of $11.95 per film), THE IRON GIANT tells the deceptively simple story of a giant robot that lands on earth from outer space and is befriended by a little boy. It’s ET, meets SUPERMAN RETURNS meets THE TRANSFORMERS but without the treacle of the first, the Jesus theme of the second, and Michael Bay of the third. Along the way there are the usual great little Brad Bird attention-to-detail touches (like “Duck and Cover” films, the old Maypo cereal commercial, and the kid even looks like Howdy Doody).

You may be saying, “Well, if it’s so good why wasn’t it a big hit?” Because there’s something more frightening than Commies or aliens – the Warner Brothers marketing department. Instead of promoting this gem of a film, the WB marketing idiots put all their time, effort, and money into launching WILD WILD WEST (and we all know how terrific THAT film was).

THE IRON GIANT received a lot of awards, great reviews, even greater exit polls and quickly disappeared. Fortunately Brad Bird has been able to find other work.

So this is my NETFLIX PICK OF THE MONTH (a new feature I just decided to start as I’m typing this) – IRON GIANT. It brings new meaning to “heavy metal”.

Ken Lee

I think my judge now hates me. He/she is going through all the entries. A lot more than he/she thought. Hopes to have the finalists within the next few days. Stay tuned.

Hey, I discovered a song about ME. Some people have names that just lend themselves to song salutes. Sue, Linda, Gloria, Bill, Jim, Sloopy. But rarely are there tunes for "Ken". Until now! Presenting "Ken Lee" (I assume short for LeeVine). And what better time to present it than Mariah Carey week!





And speaking of AMERICAN IDOL (or BULGARIAN IDOL)...









What if these people auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL? How far do you think they’d get?

Bob Dylan
Bjork
Joe Cocker
David Bowie
Lou Reed
Chris Montez
James Brown
Leonard Cohen
Carole King
Louis Armstrong
Harry Chapin
Natalie Merchant
Sonny Bono
Boy George
Ringo Starr
Neil Young
Jimi Hendrix
Prince
Barry Gibbs
Paul Simon
Nina Simone
Olivia Newton-John
Paula Abdul

Failing PR 101

I saw Sir Paul McCartney in concert a few years ago (fantastic show) when he was still married to Heather Mills. He wore an anti-landmines T-shirt and played a forgettable love song he wrote for her. It was no "Maybe I'm Amazed," but if Paul McCartney had written me a song, I wouldn't care how bad it was. I'd take "C Moon" bad. If we wound up getting divorced, I'd always have that — plus a yacht full of money. A guy I work out with said that if he came into that kind of cash, he'd find an island that hadn't been named yet and move to it.

So can anyone explain why Mills is still yammering about their divorce? I have no idea what the Mills-McCartney marriage was like, but in a PR battle against a Beatle, you're going to lose. Especially if said Beatle has been smart and tactful enough not to go off on you himself. Plus, it's always nice if you can resist publicly badmouthing the father of your child. But instead of taking the hefty divorce settlement and moving on, she's bragging about pouring water on his lawyer and all but calling Macca a ho. No wonder she got booed during the Miss USA pageant.

I think R. Kelly should give Macca a buzz and offer to write a profanity-laden, "Real Talk"-style opus for his next CD.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 7

I’m sure for most of the seven remaining contestants “Mariah Carey Week” was the AMERICAN IDOL equivalent of waterboarding. Good luck being compared to five-octave pop superstar Mariah Carey while having to sing those melody-free overwrought vocal obstacle courses that pass for her songs. Mariah Carey can’t even sing half of those songs herself anymore.

Mariah was there to promote her new album, E = MC2 (as if she had a fucking clue as to what that means). But it was nice to see her serve as mentor. People claim she’s a grand diva but I think they’d change their tune if they heard the terrific, down-to-earth advice she gave those kids based on her own experiences. Too bad those pearls weren’t included in the show. I guess it was due to time constraints but fortunately I happen to know what she said and will report it here.

David Archuleta sang “When You Believe”. Usually he claims every song he sings is deeply personal. I wonder how this one connects to his very soul since it’s from the soundtrack of “the Prince of Egypt” and is a song about the Jewish Passover. David wore leather pants this week. I felt like I was watching a Muppet Babies version of Jim Morrison.

Mariah’s advice: wherever you go insist there is a red carpet walkway with white candles.

Who among us can’t learn from that??

Carly Smithson oversang “Without You”. Yes, she has a big voice but the only time she’s going to sing in front of 40,000 people is when she does the National Anthem at a Padres game.

Mariah’s advice: If your high heels hurt you must insist on being carried. If someone suggests wearing comfortable slippers just say, “I can’t wear flat shoes. My feet repel them.”

I hope you’re taking notes.

Syesha Mercado did a song that could describe her fate this week – “Vanishing”. It was lyrics set to vocal warm-up exercises.

Mariah’s advice: Marry a rich music producer and ride his coattails to the top of the charts then dump him.

Poor Brooke White missed her sister’s wedding. If only it was this Saturday I think she could make it. Brooke was completely over matched singing “Hero”. Even her patented bag of tricks (piano, frizzy hair, barefoot) might not save her now.

Mariah’s advice: Insist of twenty humidifiers in your bedroom.

And the added benefit of that is no one will ever again know if you wet your bed.

Kristy Lee Cook sang “Forever”. Another forgettable performance by the Eve Harrington of this year’s batch.

Mariah’s advice: If you have to fly from LA to New York and your dog is too big to fit in a first class seat, have him driven 3,000 miles across the country in a rented stretch limousine.

That’s just common sense of course, but it bears repeating.

David Cook stole the show and possibly the season with his powerful and unique version of “Always Be My Baby”. And Paula gave him the ultimate compliment. She said, “That could be in a movie soundtrack.” No wonder David was so choked up he almost cried. A real movie soundtrack! Wow!!!

Mariah’s advice: If you stay in a hotel, always rent fifteen rooms.

That’s 300 humidifiers if you’re not keeping count.

And finally there was Jason Castro. Awful as usual. The guy just does not have the vocal chops. It was like when Marlon Brando had to sing in GUYS AND DOLLS. And yet, Simon loves him for some reason.

Mariah’s advice: Marry Simon and ride his coattails to the top of the charts then dump him.

Tonight Mariah is going to sing live – either on stage or on Randy’s shoulders depending on how her high heels feel.

Blogging can KILL!!

AMERICAN IDOL recap will appear late tonight.

Wow! Thanks to all of you who entered the Komedy Kontest. Over the next few days the judge will be going through all of the entries. It won’t be an easy job narrowing them to five because there were quite a few terrific ones. And a few that were a real cry for help. Keep checking for the announcement of finalists and your chance to vote. Thanks again, everybody. And no, David Isaacs is not the judge.
Every so often I’ll get a comment blasting me for misspelling, bad grammar, or just a general “you’re an idiot” accusation. That’s okay except you should know I’m tempting DEATH by writing this blog.

Recently a prominent technology blogger had a massive heart attack and died. Exhausted following multiple posts he just collapsed.

Considering there is now something like 20,000,000 bloggers I have to say I don’t like my odds.

Non-bloggers might not appreciate the crushing pressure we’re under to create content. Sure there are other professions that are stress-producing but let’s be realistic. Air traffic controllers get breaks during fog. Fire fighters have days when they’re just washing the truck. There is no rest for bloggers. Every day (or week or month) we must keep feeding the monster. New anecdotes, more advice, fresh tirades, pictures of kitties – it never stops!!!

And yet I shall continue. Call me courageous, fearless, even reckless. But I will never stand down from my comedy watch. And if the inevitable happens I hope readers will remember me for my bravery and dedication and not because I use too many commas.