Oceans Levine

Seems like the latest trend in television at the moment is Oceans 11 type caper series. HEIST and THIEF both premiered the same week. A couple of years ago my writing partner David and I wrote a pilot for Fox called ODDS about an all-night diner just off the Vegas strip that catered exclusively to the locals. One of our running bits was that they were always cooking up schemes to knock off the Bellagio themselves. Here’s an example. And no, the pilot didn’t get made, and yes, it should have.

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INT. DINER

AT THE COUNTER, TARA (THE BRITTNEY SPEARS IMPERSONATOR), DAVE (THE BLACKJACK DEALER WHO ALSO MARRIES COUPLES) AND JEFF (THE BAD COMIC) ARE IN MID-CONVERSATION.

JEFF
Y’know, I was on stage tonight and it hit me how we could knock over the Bellagio. We break into the surveillance system, then send subliminal messages to the guards. We hypnotize them. And here’s the genius of it – the GUARDS then take out the money. We wait at the side entrance in a Brinks truck and then off we go.

DAVE
So you need an electronics expert to break into the system, a Brinks truck and a hypnotist?

JEFF
There’s one at the Stardust who’s great. He can get people down to their underwear.

DAVE
What about when they’re not drunk?

JEFF
Oooh, problem.

TARA
Come on, you gotta get real. Here’s what we do: We get an impersonator to pose as a rich Arab Sheik. He lands in a helicopter on the roof of the hotel. They put him up in the Presidential suite. We have somebody go through the ventilation system with sleeping gas, knock everybody out. Then we bring the money up and hide it in the room. While everybody’s running around town looking for it, we just check out, carry it into the helicopter and away we go.

DAVE
Where we gonna get a helicopter?

TARA
Maybe we can just talk a pilot into doing us a favor.

DAVE
Or…you hypnotize him.

ROSIE (THE AFRO BORN AGAIN WAITRESS-BOXER WANNA BE) HAS OVERHEARD.

ROSIE
Every night I listen to these nitwit schemes. As if getting all that money would actually make you happy.

TARA
You’ve taken a few blows to the head, haven’t you, Rosie?

ROSIE
I’m just saying, there are more meaningful ways of finding satisfaction and happiness in this world.

DAVE
Let me guess. Jesus?

ROSIE
Yes, “minister”. Jesus.

DAVE
(indignant) Hey, don’t use that tone. I’m licensed.

ROSIE
You need to believe in something that’s bigger and more powerful than you that will show you the path to the true meaning of life.

DAV
You say “Jesus”. I say “The Bellagio”.

Superman II

Yesterday’s Superman post sparked a lot of conversation so I thought I’d spend one more day on the Man of Steele.

Thanks to those of you who actually tried to justify how Superman could fly a little girl around the world without incinerating her. As far fetched as those theories are I buy them over Bush’s explanation of why we need to be at war with Iraq. If you haven’t read those comments please do so. Another reader explains how he can walk through walls by rearranging his atoms, but then again, who can’t?

Here’s what else I’d like to know. Where does Superman store his Clark Kent clothes when he’s Superman? One theory is that the logo on the back of his cape is a pouch, and he stores them in that. But still, a suit, his glasses, and shoes? And he must keep an iron in there too because when he changes back his suit is never wrinkled. Help me out physics professors.

Bud Collyer played Superman on the radio. He’s the wiry guy with the goofy bowtie who used to host TO TELL THE TRUTH (Game Show Network every moment they’re not showing old CARD SHARK episodes). When he played Clark he even gave him a different voice. Some of those old radio shows from the 30’s and 40’s are available and they’re a riot. Because it’s the radio Superman must talk to himself and describe everything he’s doing. “Alright, I’ll just twist this steel bar, there we go, then crash through this brick wall…that’s done. Now I’ll fly to Paris. Up up and away! Alright, I’m in the air now. A skydiver is yelling at me. No, sorry, I don’t have a camera!…etc.

People don’t realize but the whole Superman legend, (Krypton blows up, the baby is sent to earth, his rocket lands in Kansas instead of Nazi Germany thank God) was originated by the radio show not the comic book. Same for the character of Jimmy Olsen.

Phyllis Coates or Noel Neill? Who was the best Lois Lane? For fifty years now people have been debating this issue. Very sad people. Personally, I’d have to go with Noel. The deciding factor for any true fan is which one would you like to see kidnapped in your basement? I think Phyllis would scream and threaten that Superman will get me. Noel would compliment me on the new fake wood paneling.

To this day I can’t drive by the Los Angeles City Hall without thinking this is really the Daily Planet building.

I’m hoping the new movie will be good. For awhile Nick Cage was supposed to play Superman. On what planet including Krypton did that make sense? Kevin Spacey is playing Lex Luthor, a Bobby Darin impersonator who got bad reviews and wants to take it out on the world.

Since Superman seems to reside in Metropolis, why would any criminal want to rob banks there? Get in the car. Go to Cleveland. It’s a lot cheaper than lead helmets or commissioning machines that turn things upside down.

Another great thing about Superman is that he can go anywhere. Imagine if Spiderman moves to Phoenix. He can maybe swing from the Wal Mart to the Tastee Freeze.

Just as Sean Connery is THE James Bond, George Reeves IS Superman. There will never be another. Even though every other actor playing Superman can fit into the suit.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a logic problem

Some sources say that George Reeves’ birthday is one day this week. Others say it’s in January. How fitting that mystery should shroud even that. George Reeves played Superman in the 1950’s TV series ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN. The circumstances surrounding his death are also cloudy but will soon be cleared up because Hollywood has a movie coming out on the subject. (Murder? Suicide? Kryptonite?)

I must admit I have always loved that show. I know it dates me but I was the target audience when it first came out. I still watch it in reruns (it’s now on cable channels so obscure they don’t even have names) and bought the first season DVD the day it came out. I’ve since given up running around the neighborhood employing a towel as a cape. My wife finds it humiliating.

When I watch the episodes now I am filled with a warm sense of nostalgia. I also am struck by how incredibly STUPID I was as a kid. There are moments in that show that are so preposterous that even as a seven year old I should have said, “Heyyyy, wait a minute.”

Okay, forget that no one can tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman just from the glasses even though they look alike, have the same voice, and build. (Teri Hatcher had the same problem in the later series although in her case she was probably just too distracted terrorizing the crew because her Perrier was three degrees too cold.) I’m talking about these little gems (and I bet some of you have a few too):

In one episode Superman flies a little girl around the world. In three hours. At that speed with the g-forces I’d guess she’s be vaporized just outside the Metropolis city limits. And she’s just wearing a little sun dress and flimsy sweater. In one scene they’re flying over Mount Everest. He asks if she’s cold and she assures him she’s not. That must be some sweater because at that altitude it must be minus 300 degrees. But I bought it.

Remember the episode in which Superman was frozen? Oh no! How will he pass for Clark Kent? Simple, with some shoe polish and Lois Lane’s make up. Son of a gun, it worked!! No one noticed there was anything different between a normal person and a man wearing pancake makeup on his face and hands and jet black shoe polish in his hair. It worked for me.

The Daily Planet was a great metropolitan newspaper with a staff of three reporters. Yeah, that sounded about right at the time.

They were always quite liberal on their definition of X-Ray vision. Instead of just looking through objects, this Superman was able to see things from miles away. The one catch was that he couldn’t see through lead. There’s no lead anywhere in a straight line between the Daily Planet building and India?

Which brings me to my favorite moment of all. In one episode the bad guys got the brilliant idea that if they wore lead helmets that fitted completely over their heads that Superman could never identify them. Okay, forget fingerprints, they went to so much trouble to have these helmets made. And wasn’t it hot in those things? I guess not.

So in one scene two of these lead heads are going up to Perry White’s office in the Daily Planet. We see them walking down the hall. Picture this: Two men in suits, lead helmets, with fedoras. Two extras (“staff members”) pass them in the hall AND DON’T EVEN NOTICE THEM. Ho hum. Nothing unusual. Just two businessmen in helmets and hats. Now I fall off my chair. Then I thought “those helmets look good with those suits”.

Coming out this summer will be a new movie version of Superman. I’m sure the effects will be dazzling, you won’t even see the strings when he’s flying. The logic holes will not be as large as the galaxy and all seven year olds will buy it. But the issue will still remain – what can Clark Kent do to better disguise himself? I have the answer. Play him gay.

Taking things for granted

Sorry that my beloved UCLA Bruins didn’t win the NCAA championship (I blame it on that one bad call) but couldn’t be more proud of them for getting that far. When I went to UCLA we won the national championship all four years and truthfully, I never fully appreciated just what a monumental feat that was. We got so used to winning that I almost took it for granted. You learn later, often too late, that that’s not the case. So in that spirit, here are some other things we may be taking for granted.

*****

Vin Scully will always broadcast for the Dodgers.

Katie Couric will always co-host THE TODAY SHOW.

Email will be free.

That Twinkie you ate in 1993 will leave your system.

Major airlines will provide pillows and blankets for free.

Ryan Seacrest is straight.

Time won’t run out on Jack Bauer.

The Yankees will win because they have a higher payroll than General Motors.

Major sporting events will be on free TV.

You’ll be able to hear the Beatles on the radio.

There will be three new Woody Allen movies a year.

The Lakers will always finish higher than the Clippers.

Sharon Stone will think you want to see her naked in a movie.

Splenda is good for you.

There will always be one or two groups on tour calling themselves “the Beach Boys”.

There will be Marlins in Florida and Pirates in Pittsburgh.

You’ll love it at Levitz.

There will be a SAW III.

There will be a ROCKY XXVI.

There will be rainforests.

There will be a New Orleans.

My first directing assignment

You never forget your first. I’ve now directed over 50 episodes of television but none stand out like that maiden voyage. It was an episode of WINGS in 1995 called “Portrait of a Con Artist as a Young Man” (written by Jeff Richmond & Joyce Gittlin). The premise was that addled mechanic Lowell (Thomas Hayden Church) makes these large twisted pieces of metal that a museum director considers art. Comedy ensues (despite my efforts). Tommy is a gifted comedian (the fact that the rest of the WINGS cast was on suicide watch when he was nominated for an Oscar notwithstanding). But he never reads a line the same way twice. Nor does he move the same way twice. Forget matching problems, I had no idea what the star of the show was going to say or do the entire week. Kind of hard to interject the patented “Levine Touch” when that’s the case.

The rest of the cast was nice (and by that I mean “tolerant”). I had been a consultant and writer on the show since the pilot so we knew each other very well. But there comes a point in the run of a series where the cast feels they’ve got their characters down, they no longer need to rehearse that long, and well…they want to go home. This usually happens around season four. (On one show I directed it happened episode four). We were in season six. The cast didn’t want to just go home, they left their engines running. So we’d do a scene once. They’d walk through it. I’d be ready to say let’s go again and they would say, “We got it, let’s move on”. I, the director, the floor general, the man in control of the stage, would be thinking “you have WHAT?” My first scene was in the airport terminal. Casey (Amy Yasbech) was celebrating her birthday. All of the other characters came in, one at a time, from different directions with presents. And they all gathered around a table where a birthday cake was perched. Nine characters, all stacked up, each with props, torn wrapping everywhere, delivering lines to each other in every possible combination. Time taken to rehearse that scene: a half an hour. “We got it. Let’s move on.” I had visions of adding little bits of comic business, working out any rough spots, fine tuning the pace so the script just crackled. No. By noon we had a runthrough. One of the cast members had to buy something at Adrays before going out to hit a bucket of balls so we had to move it along. Needless to say it was ragged. I didn’t win any points with the producers when cast members would come up to me and ask “I forget. Am I in this scene?”

The next two days were more of the same. But now the Oscar nominee got bored saying the same lines over and over (i.e. twice) so he started changing them…which is a nice way of saying KILLING them. My mantra became, “Please say the lines as written”.

Day four was camera blocking. First scene up, the party. Nine characters, ten pages. And you can plan your camera assignments in advance but if one assignment changes, let’s say Camera B can get a better single of Tim Daly than Camera C as you had envisioned, then the rest of your roadmap goes right out the window. That happened to me the second line of the show. Little wonder I was taking FOREVER to do this. The cast was getting antsy. The first AD kept pointing to his watch. Every crew member I spotted was rolling his eyes. The camera coordinator started giving me suggestions to speed up the process. Then the DP started giving me suggestions. But often they were opposing suggestions, thus confusing me more. The camera coordinator told the DP to butt out, it was none of his business. The DP took exception with that. They almost came to blows. Yeah, I really ruled that stage with an iron hand. I think it took ten hours to complete camera blocking.

Show day. We rehearsed all afternoon, had a dress rehearsal at about 3:00 that lasted an hour. Then we were free until the filming began at 7:00. At 6:30 the audience was let in. At 6:35 I’m handed pages, the rewrite following the dress rehearsal. They had written a BRAND NEW SCENE. What the fuck?!! We couldn’t rehearse on the stage, the audience was now there. I ran backstage, gathered the actors and walked them through it. Then I went to the camera operators, told them there was a new scene, gave them assignments off the top of my head, said just do the best you can and after the audience goes home I’ll block and shoot it properly. All the while I’m sweating through my suit.

Filming begins. It starts with a thirty second pause then Tim Daly calling out, “Say ‘action’, Kenny!” Helen (Crystal Bernard) brings the birthday cake with lit candles to the table for Casey. It slips out of her hands and she drops it. Cut! Fire marshals run out to the set. It’s a twenty minute delay. Then Tommy decides to really improvise. I go out into the stage and tell him nicely to do the line as written. Take two. He does another line. I repeat my request. Take three. Yet a third line. I go out to the Oscar nominee and tell him I will punch his fucking face in if he doesn’t say the line as written. He does the line right. No one can say I’m not an “actor’s director”.

Eventually we get to the new scene. I’m at the quad split, watching all four cameras. Huddled around me are the producers, studio executives, and network people. I call “action”, the scene begins, the cameras start moving and fishing and on the monitors it is utter chaos. People out of focus, shots of the wall, a close up of a nose. (like the last real of AFTER THE FOX) And to make matters worse two cameras collide into each other. Now the network guy must be thinking this director is INSANE.

We finish the show. I spend the next two weeks in a fetal position. I get a call from the producers. They edited the show together (a Herculean task since nothing matched) and discovered it was short. So they wrote a new scene to be filmed after they get done filming this week’s show. That means I start rehearsing and blocking at around midnight. You can imagine the happy cast I had.

And the scene is a dream sequence…with effects. And props that need to be smashed. But there are only two breakaway props so we only have two chances to get it. The first take the actor smashed it at the wrong time – blaming of course, ME. Mercifully, we got the shot the next take, I finally yell “Wrap!” at about 2:00, and drive home muttering to myself that Steven Spielberg had it EASY directing RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC.

To this day I thank the cast and the producers for their patience. Especially Crystal Bernard who called me at home to say what a great job she thought I had done. Likewise for Tony Shaloub taking me aside, giving me a pep talk. That meant a lot.

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot a better, I’ve gotten a LOT faster but 70% of what I know about directing I learned from that first assignment. And 60% of it was what not to do.

My baseball picks

Monday for me will be the greatest sports day of the year. My UCLA Bruins are in the NCAA Championship Game and it’s the Opening Day of Major League Baseball. Even though it’s supposed to pour in Los Angeles and there will be six angry letters to the LA Times saying “why isn’t there a dome over Dodger Stadium?” I can’t wait. (There will also be one moronic article by a certain sports columnist saying, “Yeah, UCLA is winning but they’re not flashy enough”.) As I hold my breath for Monday night, I turn to my first love – baseball.

Is there anything better than the unbridled optimism of Opening Day? Sure, the Pittsburgh Pirates and Tampa Bay Devil Rays have no shot. From the first pitch they’re just playing out the string. But most other teams do have a chance. The Colorado Rockies could hang in there until May.

This is the time of year when all baseball fans make their predictions. Here are mine. But these are not the usual. Anyone can predict the Yankees and Braves and Cardinals. I’ll give you my longshot picks. A couple of years ago if you had put down a hundred bucks in Vegas for the Florida Marlins to win the World Series you would have made a LOT of money. You’d have done okay picking a Fall Classic of the White Sox and Astros last season, too. Considering the odds, it seems to me a better bet to take a shot at some under the radar teams that might surprise instead of the Yankees where the payoff is so small.

So here are my division winner picks for 2006.

NLW – Giants
NLC -- Houston
NLE -- Phillies

ALW – Rangers
ALC – Indians
ALE – Blue Jays.

Laugh now. Talk to me in October.

PLAY BALL!!!!

GO BRUINS!!!!

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele would have been 70 today. He passed away on August 5, 1997. For thirty years The Real Don Steele ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air. Reelradio.com has quite a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mike in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it. Who Tina Degado was. How he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

Every year on his birthday, April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.