Equal time for kids. I recently posted my latest trip to Evanston to visit my daughter, Annie at Northwestern. For my weekend post, here’s a travelogue from a few years ago when we visited our son at Tufts in Boston.
By the way, as you read this I am probably somewhere over the North Pole. It’s not a faulty GPS system. My wife and I are off for a two week cruise on the Mediterranean. Anything to avoid local gas prices. But new daily entries will continue to appear. A big thanks to HH for filling in as blogmaster. I’ll miss you all…as well as 24, but that at least I can tivo.
******
Back from 4 days in Boston seeing our son, Matt at Tufts. We were there for parents weekend but didn't read the calendar very well. It’s next weekend. Lucky we didn't show up at the President's house for that Sunday morning breakfast.
First up was Legal Seafood Thursday night where Matt and I went with my radio friend, Dale Dorman. He's been a fixture in Boston radio for over 30 years and is still truly one of the funniest jocks ever to crack a microphone. And he has to be considering his voice is higher than mine. But boy was I impressed. The restaurant was packed, we walked in, he said his name, and we were treated like royalty. Imagine a disc jockey in LA even being seated if he HAS a reservation?
I had lobster.
Debby and Annie arrived via the redeye Friday morning and immediately wanted to go outlet shopping. We don't have a Gap outlet in California. I decided not to go, preferring to do, well...ANYTHING else. So I spent the day with Dale at KISS 108 and to show you how utterly pathetic my life is, I got to run his board while he did his air shift and it's one of the highlights of my professional year so far.
They have a great contest. Four people are living inside a Mini Cooper. The last person to leave gets to keep the car. Two guys and two girls. The girls bolted almost immediately (proving that women are smarter than men). So to keep the remaining flood victims company the station threw a big dog in the car. It's on display at Faneuil Hall so sleeping is impossible because all these homeless guys knock on the windows all night. This for a twelve thousand dollar automobile that will probably have to be boiled to get the stench out.
It took Debby, Matt, and Annie forty five minutes to get to the outlets. Three hours to get home. I don't have the heart to tell them about Nordstram's Rack.
Sirens in Boston are goofy. No wonder people drive like raving maniacs there. How do they take policemen seriously? I felt like I was in Toontown.
The college girls come in only two varieties: cute brunettes and Carole King.
Tourists still flock to Cheers. It's the place to go if you want to see real people from Louisville or Gainsville. "Hey, this don't look anything like the bar we see on the magic picture box". No, that's because it wasn't FILMED there. Norm and Cliff and Sam and Diane DON'T EXIST. Befuddled, these tourists eat their overpriced lunches, buy sweatshirts, mugs, and other overpriced souvenirs and head off to the Freedom Trail where they could purchase New England Patriots jerseys actually signed by George Washington and Paul Revere.
Tufts University is very pretty. It is in Medford which is not. Actual store sign: "LIVE POULTRY: FRESHLY KILLED".
Saw Matt's apartment. Former SLA hideout.
Saw Matt's frat house. It’s any structure in Kansas after being hit full force by a twister.
The leaves haven't really turned yet. Except in the Mini Cooper.
Taxis in Boston are interesting. They have two fare options. Either "when you're not in a hurry" or for $3 more "they'll rush". Every cab I took had at least one warning light flashing on its dashboard. My first cabbie plowed into a car, sheepishly saying to me "I didn't see him". Didn't SEE him? It was a Windstar right in front of you on a one lane street in Harvard Square.
Ever notice that when you go to another city you can never find a radio station you like but every time you climb into a taxi the driver is listening to a station in his native foreign language? I was treated to twenty minutes of a Haitian station on one cab ride? The Classic Hits station has to change formats because it had no listeners yet there's a Haitian station...and not just any Haitian station -- a Haitian TALK station...in BOSTON. (Which I'm sure still has better ratings than KMPC 1540, all sports in LA).
Saturday night we went to the Oak Room restaurant at the Copley Plaza. The best steaks and seafood in town says their ad. Lovely old dining room in the tradition of the Pump Room or Clifton's Cafeteria if they'd remove the tropical rain forest. Pasqual, our maitre 'd almost stuck in a knife in his heart when my wife asked if the Haddock was good. Matt asked him how the tenderloin was and he described it as "a beautiful woman with no sense of humor".
I had the lobster.
Sunday we had brunch at the Charles hotel. (Get the idea that all we did was eat?). Big celebrity sighting: Natalie Portman. She's one of my son's faves. I offered to lend him my Becker fleece, figuring that would really make her want to jump his bones but he passed. Annie saw her across the room and said, "Sweetie, you're making a kazillion dollars a movie -- that is the ugliest sweater I have ever seen in my life!" My charming daughter also said, earlier when we were all talking about the new shows and specifically Good Morning Miami "Oh yeah...more washed up people that Dad worked with".
A Harvard male a capella choir in suits and bowties entertained. I didn't catch the name of the group but I believe it was "Young Men who Can't Get Laid". At least they didn't sing the Kelly Clarkson song.
We were late leaving Boston. They had to take one piece of luggage off the flight. So they sent for a baggage handler, he had some accident, they had to send for an ambulance, then get a second baggage handler. Thus the answer to the question: How many American Airlines employees does it take to remove one suitcase?
Latest update: the dog can't stand the stench and has left the Mini Cooper. But Joe and Miles are still there.
Friday, May 5, 2006
Can you go to prison for stealing another show's theme song?
Just catching up on PRISON BREAK (thank you tivo). If you still have Monday night's episode, check this out. Last act, there's a montage of all the prisoners, getting ready for the big escape, thinking back to why it's so imperative to each of them, yada yada. Music plays over this sequence. The song sounded familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it. Finally, I did. It was the theme from HOUSE. I went back and played a HOUSE opening title sequence (thank you again, tivo), and sure enough, same song, same arrangement. Could anyone explain this to me? Is the HOUSE theme song just lifted from a record? Did PRISON BREAK realize what they were doing? Why would they possibly knowingly use the theme song from another show on THEIR NETWORK? And didn't anyone from the network catch this before it aired? When the inmates finally do break out I now hope they play THE FAMILY GUY theme.
What gives here????
What gives here????
Thursday, May 4, 2006
100 Most Beautiful People in the Gym
PEOPLE magazine has announced the 100 Most Beautiful People in the World. Again, I’m not on it. Forget that it’s impossible to rate one person’s beauty over another, the pictures in the magazine all look so touched up and air brushed that Linda Hunt could be the most beautiful woman in the world. This begs the question, who’s the most beautiful in real life and who’s the most beautiful back lit? It’s one thing to put filters on movie cameras but some of these actresses have to be shot through horse blankets.
The best place to determine who has the most natural beauty would be the gym I attend. It’s small, no frills, and for some reason attracts a lot of celebrities. I’m guessing it’s the wall to wall mirrors. The article claims that Angelina Jolie is number one. I’m here to tell you, no way. They haven’t seen her on the Stairmaster. Skanky, tattoos, unwashed hair. Whenever she’s in the gym I pray that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t show up because if she saw that she lost her husband to THAT she’d blow her brains out.
One Jennifer who is beautiful, even after an hour on the treadmill is Garner. (Once I was on the next treadmill and so wanted to say, “Ben Affleck? What THE FUCK are you thinking??” But instead I just smiled and almost fell off the machine when she removed her sweatshirt.)
Cindy Crawford is another natural beauty. It’s fun to see her there and watch all the Brentwood Botox moms seethe.
And then there are the stars that move up a notch or two because they’re just so doggone nice and approachable. Colby from SURVIVOR is one. (Although, again, I’m sooo tempted to ask, “when you won that hatchback on the show and climbed into the back with your mother, what the fuck was up with that?”)
And then there are those that move down because they’re so unapproachable. Don’t worry, Ms. starring female lead of PEARL HARBOR , I’m not going to ask you for your autograph or why, in the scene where you enter Ben’s room to see him packing all his things you say, “Are you leaving?”
If PEOPLE did use our gym as it’s measuring device they would find that many of the most beautiful people aren’t celebrities at all. They’re housewives, trainers, firemen, and comedy writers (hey, I can dream). But the point is: to say that the competition for the 100 most beautiful people in the world can only be celebrities is probably inaccurate since it leaves out 99.9999999% of the people in the world.
Angelina , wash your hair. You just might crack the top four million.
The best place to determine who has the most natural beauty would be the gym I attend. It’s small, no frills, and for some reason attracts a lot of celebrities. I’m guessing it’s the wall to wall mirrors. The article claims that Angelina Jolie is number one. I’m here to tell you, no way. They haven’t seen her on the Stairmaster. Skanky, tattoos, unwashed hair. Whenever she’s in the gym I pray that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t show up because if she saw that she lost her husband to THAT she’d blow her brains out.
One Jennifer who is beautiful, even after an hour on the treadmill is Garner. (Once I was on the next treadmill and so wanted to say, “Ben Affleck? What THE FUCK are you thinking??” But instead I just smiled and almost fell off the machine when she removed her sweatshirt.)
Cindy Crawford is another natural beauty. It’s fun to see her there and watch all the Brentwood Botox moms seethe.
And then there are the stars that move up a notch or two because they’re just so doggone nice and approachable. Colby from SURVIVOR is one. (Although, again, I’m sooo tempted to ask, “when you won that hatchback on the show and climbed into the back with your mother, what the fuck was up with that?”)
And then there are those that move down because they’re so unapproachable. Don’t worry, Ms. starring female lead of PEARL HARBOR , I’m not going to ask you for your autograph or why, in the scene where you enter Ben’s room to see him packing all his things you say, “Are you leaving?”
If PEOPLE did use our gym as it’s measuring device they would find that many of the most beautiful people aren’t celebrities at all. They’re housewives, trainers, firemen, and comedy writers (hey, I can dream). But the point is: to say that the competition for the 100 most beautiful people in the world can only be celebrities is probably inaccurate since it leaves out 99.9999999% of the people in the world.
Angelina , wash your hair. You just might crack the top four million.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
Say it ain't so, Phil!
Phil Hendrie is leaving radio to pursue acting fulltime. For those who aren’t familiar with Hendrie’s act, he’s created maybe the most original talk show ever done on that format and he’s the only person in the world who can do it. Every hour he interviews a “guest” but it’s really him doing another voice. As the hour unfolds the guest becomes progressively more audacious and infuriating. Incensed listeners then call the station and argue with him on the air. They don’t realize it’s a put on. Even after EIGHTEEN YEARS! The outrageous premises are funny and the idiot callers’ reactions are even funnier. It is satire and improv and theatre at its best. And Phil manages to play both the host and the guest and never gets tripped up. He’s Lenny Bruce, Ernie Kovacs, Danny Kaye, and Jon Stewart all rolled into one.
In the world of radio he is a king.
In the world of acting he’s just another schmuck.
Not that he’s not talented as a thesp, but come on, what success he’s had in television is directly related to his work in radio. For the last couple of years he’s had pilots built around him, even an animated one. None of them went. He’s currently in TEACHERS, a show that will soon hear the end of class bell. His brilliance and originality doesn’t translate well to television.
Chances are he’ll be up for more pilots and will guest in a few series. And maybe he’ll hit. I hope so. I hope he’s the next Tim Allen. But if not, after a couple of years he might become just one of those character actors who go up for day player roles. And as someone who idolizes Phil’s work, I will be so depressed if someday I’m casting a two day three-line part for a hotel clerk and see his name on the casting call list along with twenty others middle aged bald guys.
Phil may say to me “I could be the next Bob Crane.” But I would say to Phil: “Yeah, but you could also be the next Jay Thomas.”
Don’t give up your night job, Phil. Maybe just work weekends if you want more time to pursue your acting career. But anybody can be a desk clerk, only you can be Phil Hendrie and the hundred other people you play on the radio.
In the world of radio he is a king.
In the world of acting he’s just another schmuck.
Not that he’s not talented as a thesp, but come on, what success he’s had in television is directly related to his work in radio. For the last couple of years he’s had pilots built around him, even an animated one. None of them went. He’s currently in TEACHERS, a show that will soon hear the end of class bell. His brilliance and originality doesn’t translate well to television.
Chances are he’ll be up for more pilots and will guest in a few series. And maybe he’ll hit. I hope so. I hope he’s the next Tim Allen. But if not, after a couple of years he might become just one of those character actors who go up for day player roles. And as someone who idolizes Phil’s work, I will be so depressed if someday I’m casting a two day three-line part for a hotel clerk and see his name on the casting call list along with twenty others middle aged bald guys.
Phil may say to me “I could be the next Bob Crane.” But I would say to Phil: “Yeah, but you could also be the next Jay Thomas.”
Don’t give up your night job, Phil. Maybe just work weekends if you want more time to pursue your acting career. But anybody can be a desk clerk, only you can be Phil Hendrie and the hundred other people you play on the radio.
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
MANNEQUIN 2: the untold story
Buried in Sunday’s comments was a request to hear more about MANNEQUIN 2. My partner, David Isaacs and I sheepishly share credit on that movie (damn you, IMDB!!) and Andrew W. wants us to explain ourselves.
We did an extensive rewrite on MANNEQUIN 1, working for a couple of swell guys – Bruce McNall (former owner of the LA KINGS who later was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison) and David Begelman (who as President of Columbia Pictures was caught forging bogus expense checks as Cliff Robertson).
They wanted to pay us in TV’s but our agent insisted on money. (What’s 10% of a television, the speakers?) We did the rewrite in two weeks, actually had fun with it, and did receive our payment in US currency. (It was on this rewrite that we instituted the “24 second logic clock”. We were not going to get bogged down discussing whether a mannequin would do this or that. 24 seconds of debate, we picked a course of action and just went with it.)
MANNEQUIN was a huge hit, enough to warrant MANNEQUIN 2. Again we got the call to rewrite it. “For luck” as Begelman said. We said fine but we’d like more “lucky bucks”. This time they were willing to throw in a VCR and camcorder but again we insisted on money.
This script was even worse than the first but did our best. We turned it in, ran immediately to the bank to cash our checks, and then forgot about it. Months later we received the shooting script (further revised from ours) and the proposed credits. To our horror the script was worse and the studio was giving us shared credit.
We called our agent. Did we even WANT credit on this stinkburger? Yes, he said, because we would then be entitled to royalties. Okay then.
Anytime there is more than the original writer listed on the proposed credits the matter automatically goes to a WGA arbitration. I’ve been involved on both sides of this aisle – petitioning and arbitrating. Each writer drafts a statement pleading his case. These are always long, impassioned, pleas – how the idea came from their own lives and suffering and if they lost it would be a miscarriage of justice on the scale of OJ. We certainly in good conscience couldn’t write something like that. So what we wrote instead was:
To Whom It May Concern:
According to the bylaws set forth by the WGA credits manual we believe the credit should stand as proposed.
Thank you.
*****
That’s it.
We won.
When the movie finally was released (escaped) I was announcing for the Orioles. We were in Detroit. I went to see it on opening night. Big multiplex theatre. There were six people in the audience…counting me.
The movie went on to make nothing. McNall went to the federal pen. Begelman eventually killed himself. The film aired on a major network and has been shown for years on cable channels. Our agent was right. There were royalties we were entitled to.
We never saw a penny.
We should’ve taken the TV. At least we could sell it on ebay.
We did an extensive rewrite on MANNEQUIN 1, working for a couple of swell guys – Bruce McNall (former owner of the LA KINGS who later was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison) and David Begelman (who as President of Columbia Pictures was caught forging bogus expense checks as Cliff Robertson).
They wanted to pay us in TV’s but our agent insisted on money. (What’s 10% of a television, the speakers?) We did the rewrite in two weeks, actually had fun with it, and did receive our payment in US currency. (It was on this rewrite that we instituted the “24 second logic clock”. We were not going to get bogged down discussing whether a mannequin would do this or that. 24 seconds of debate, we picked a course of action and just went with it.)
MANNEQUIN was a huge hit, enough to warrant MANNEQUIN 2. Again we got the call to rewrite it. “For luck” as Begelman said. We said fine but we’d like more “lucky bucks”. This time they were willing to throw in a VCR and camcorder but again we insisted on money.
This script was even worse than the first but did our best. We turned it in, ran immediately to the bank to cash our checks, and then forgot about it. Months later we received the shooting script (further revised from ours) and the proposed credits. To our horror the script was worse and the studio was giving us shared credit.
We called our agent. Did we even WANT credit on this stinkburger? Yes, he said, because we would then be entitled to royalties. Okay then.
Anytime there is more than the original writer listed on the proposed credits the matter automatically goes to a WGA arbitration. I’ve been involved on both sides of this aisle – petitioning and arbitrating. Each writer drafts a statement pleading his case. These are always long, impassioned, pleas – how the idea came from their own lives and suffering and if they lost it would be a miscarriage of justice on the scale of OJ. We certainly in good conscience couldn’t write something like that. So what we wrote instead was:
To Whom It May Concern:
According to the bylaws set forth by the WGA credits manual we believe the credit should stand as proposed.
Thank you.
*****
That’s it.
We won.
When the movie finally was released (escaped) I was announcing for the Orioles. We were in Detroit. I went to see it on opening night. Big multiplex theatre. There were six people in the audience…counting me.
The movie went on to make nothing. McNall went to the federal pen. Begelman eventually killed himself. The film aired on a major network and has been shown for years on cable channels. Our agent was right. There were royalties we were entitled to.
We never saw a penny.
We should’ve taken the TV. At least we could sell it on ebay.
Monday, May 1, 2006
Swan Lake Michigan
Back home from Chicago, the Windy City, the Big Shoulders, the Hog Butcher to the World. Had a great trip. Only one person almost died but more about that later.
For 75 years Northwestern University has put on the
”Waa Mu Show”, a gala Broadway type review completely written, directed, and performed by students. Alums include Warren Beatty (who appeared in the first), Shelley Long (who apparently brought the house down in ’69), Lloyd Thaxton (the Ernie Kovacs of TV dance show hosts), and Steve Stark, now an executive at Gramnet Productions. This year our daughter, Annie wrote several of the comedy sketches and I’m happy to report they killed. All in all, a very impressive show. These kids can sing and dance and sure, most will wind up waiters and waitresses at Joe Allen’s but a few will make it big. Did I mention Steve Stark was a former member?
The trip started off as most American Airlines trips do – with a screw up. They had no record of our payment for the flights although they had sent us confirmation. But since we are valued Platinum members they let us purchase the tickets we purchased already again.
On to Chicago and then Evanston and another lesson learned. Don’t book rooms off Expedia. Com. Hotels allot them the worst ones. At the Orrington, we were given the wheelchair access room. The peep hole, all the door handles, and clothing rods were much lower than normal. It was like being in the Munchkinland Marriott. The bathroom had no divider for the shower so you’d turn on the water and flood the bathroom floor. Thank God there were hand rails everywhere. Room amenities included a hair dryer, iron, coffee maker, and can of WD-40. The featured movie on their pay-per-view was (I kid you not) THE RINGER about the Special Olympics. I’m surprised their Hollywood Classics category didn’t feature COMING HOME.
Chicago is the city of “nice”. Everyone is so friendly. At first it’s very disconcerting. Then you feel yourself appreciating it and wishing everyone was more like that. Then you realize it’s just plain creepy.
One out of four Chicago homes have ceramic swans on their front lawn. Why??? Maybe the first guy put one out, his neighbor was too nice to say how tacky and ridiculous it looked, so as not to hurt his feelings he put one out too. This was then repeated 2.6 million times.
Didn’t get to Gino’s East or Wrigley’s South this trip. Next time for sure. Chicago has the best pizza and baseball in the world.
Even though the White Sox won the World Series last year and are playing great ball again this season, every cap you see is for the Cubs. Maybe the White Sox should change their name to the Chicago Lawn Swans.
Spotted in Skokie: a pod mall that featured “Lovers Lane”- romantic gifts” and a medical services storefront. For your before and after needs.
The 70’s are still alive in the Midwest. Saw a commercial for “Sybaris pool suites”. After stopping by Lovers Lane and picking up your vibrating swan you and that someone special can rent a private pool or hot tub, relax, watch BOOGIE NIGHTS, and forget that sixteen other naked couples have already been in that room today.
We couldn’t have timed the trip better. This was “Gun Buy Back” weekend in Chicago.
Cigarette lighters must no longer be permitted on flights because at the O’Hare security checkpoint there were 50 of them. However, it’s okay to board a plane with an open bottle of Scotch. Sure. What harm could glass do??
It drizzled for two days, which is only significant in that it crippled O’Hare airport. Since O’Hare operates normally at 97% capacity, all it takes are three raindrops to completely ensnarl air traffic. Another airport has been proposed to share the load but the site is forty miles south of the Loop, coincidentally near the residence of former Illinois Governor George Ryan who was just convicted on 22 counts of racketeering and fraud. There are some Chicago traditions that never change.
So even though the sprinkles stopped at 2:00 our 7:00 PM flight left at 10:20. The movie was RUMOR HAS IT dubbed into Spanish. And snack boxes are $4.00 and include crackers. American Airlines say they know we have a choice in air travel but they must think that only other choice is Uzbekistan Airways.
Then an hour into the flight a woman two rows directly in front of me almost died. Her pulse just stopped. A nearby doctor rushed to her. Miraculously, after a minute, her pulse started up again. The doctor stayed with her, got her stabile, and applied an IV to keep her hydrated. There was much talk of an emergency landing in Omaha (and a few idiot passengers bitching about beverage service being interrupted) but we were able to fly straight through thanks in large part to this doctor – who also happens to be my mother’s doctor. It all ended well but I couldn’t help wondering – if the woman’s blood sugar was low and she needed something to eat, would American Airlines charge her the $4.00 for the snack box?? Uzbekistan wouldn’t.
Anyway, it’s good to be back home…for a week until my wife and I fly to Lisbon via London to begin a ten day Mediterranean cruise. I’m guessing there’ll be one or two stories on that trip. But at least the swans will be real.
For 75 years Northwestern University has put on the
”Waa Mu Show”, a gala Broadway type review completely written, directed, and performed by students. Alums include Warren Beatty (who appeared in the first), Shelley Long (who apparently brought the house down in ’69), Lloyd Thaxton (the Ernie Kovacs of TV dance show hosts), and Steve Stark, now an executive at Gramnet Productions. This year our daughter, Annie wrote several of the comedy sketches and I’m happy to report they killed. All in all, a very impressive show. These kids can sing and dance and sure, most will wind up waiters and waitresses at Joe Allen’s but a few will make it big. Did I mention Steve Stark was a former member?
The trip started off as most American Airlines trips do – with a screw up. They had no record of our payment for the flights although they had sent us confirmation. But since we are valued Platinum members they let us purchase the tickets we purchased already again.
On to Chicago and then Evanston and another lesson learned. Don’t book rooms off Expedia. Com. Hotels allot them the worst ones. At the Orrington, we were given the wheelchair access room. The peep hole, all the door handles, and clothing rods were much lower than normal. It was like being in the Munchkinland Marriott. The bathroom had no divider for the shower so you’d turn on the water and flood the bathroom floor. Thank God there were hand rails everywhere. Room amenities included a hair dryer, iron, coffee maker, and can of WD-40. The featured movie on their pay-per-view was (I kid you not) THE RINGER about the Special Olympics. I’m surprised their Hollywood Classics category didn’t feature COMING HOME.
Chicago is the city of “nice”. Everyone is so friendly. At first it’s very disconcerting. Then you feel yourself appreciating it and wishing everyone was more like that. Then you realize it’s just plain creepy.
One out of four Chicago homes have ceramic swans on their front lawn. Why??? Maybe the first guy put one out, his neighbor was too nice to say how tacky and ridiculous it looked, so as not to hurt his feelings he put one out too. This was then repeated 2.6 million times.
Didn’t get to Gino’s East or Wrigley’s South this trip. Next time for sure. Chicago has the best pizza and baseball in the world.
Even though the White Sox won the World Series last year and are playing great ball again this season, every cap you see is for the Cubs. Maybe the White Sox should change their name to the Chicago Lawn Swans.
Spotted in Skokie: a pod mall that featured “Lovers Lane”- romantic gifts” and a medical services storefront. For your before and after needs.
The 70’s are still alive in the Midwest. Saw a commercial for “Sybaris pool suites”. After stopping by Lovers Lane and picking up your vibrating swan you and that someone special can rent a private pool or hot tub, relax, watch BOOGIE NIGHTS, and forget that sixteen other naked couples have already been in that room today.
We couldn’t have timed the trip better. This was “Gun Buy Back” weekend in Chicago.
Cigarette lighters must no longer be permitted on flights because at the O’Hare security checkpoint there were 50 of them. However, it’s okay to board a plane with an open bottle of Scotch. Sure. What harm could glass do??
It drizzled for two days, which is only significant in that it crippled O’Hare airport. Since O’Hare operates normally at 97% capacity, all it takes are three raindrops to completely ensnarl air traffic. Another airport has been proposed to share the load but the site is forty miles south of the Loop, coincidentally near the residence of former Illinois Governor George Ryan who was just convicted on 22 counts of racketeering and fraud. There are some Chicago traditions that never change.
So even though the sprinkles stopped at 2:00 our 7:00 PM flight left at 10:20. The movie was RUMOR HAS IT dubbed into Spanish. And snack boxes are $4.00 and include crackers. American Airlines say they know we have a choice in air travel but they must think that only other choice is Uzbekistan Airways.
Then an hour into the flight a woman two rows directly in front of me almost died. Her pulse just stopped. A nearby doctor rushed to her. Miraculously, after a minute, her pulse started up again. The doctor stayed with her, got her stabile, and applied an IV to keep her hydrated. There was much talk of an emergency landing in Omaha (and a few idiot passengers bitching about beverage service being interrupted) but we were able to fly straight through thanks in large part to this doctor – who also happens to be my mother’s doctor. It all ended well but I couldn’t help wondering – if the woman’s blood sugar was low and she needed something to eat, would American Airlines charge her the $4.00 for the snack box?? Uzbekistan wouldn’t.
Anyway, it’s good to be back home…for a week until my wife and I fly to Lisbon via London to begin a ten day Mediterranean cruise. I’m guessing there’ll be one or two stories on that trip. But at least the swans will be real.
Levine's Laws
I find these laws to be self evident…
Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.
There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.
Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.
There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.
If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.
If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.
There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.
In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.
The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.
The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.
No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.
Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.
When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.
The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.
When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.
Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.
The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.
Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.
The driver in front of you is an idiot.
Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew.
There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.
Theatre audiences will always boo a Rob Schneider trailer yet he will keep getting movies.
There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.
If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.
If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.
There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.
A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.
In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.
The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.
The lead off walk always comes around to score unless it doesn’t.
No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.
Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Paula Marshall is in.
When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.
The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.
When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.
Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.
The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.
Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.
The driver in front of you is an idiot.
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