Meet Fritzell & Greenbaum

I bet some of your favorite episodes of MASH and the ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW were written by writers you don’t know. Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum. You’ve seen the names I’m sure. But just who were these guys??

First off, they were two of the funniest comedy writers in television. And expert craftsmen. Their scripts always had a flow, the sentences were short, sharp, with never a wasted word. The jokes were on target, fresh, and at least five were from the “where the hell did they come up with that?” category. They had a great ear for dialogue, a love of Americana, and there was always the signature Jim & Ev scatological joke in every script. Klinger would pull out a rectal thermometer and say “It’s 103 in Pittsburgh.” A visiting general would be delighted the latrines were in pairs – “Good. The men can encourage each other.” That same general made the pronouncement: “Prunes – greatest invention since the gatling gun.” Hawkeye once observed that the medical profession has come a long way. "It used to be that proctologists used candles."

They started way back in live television. For two years they produced and wrote every MR. PEEPERS episode. 39 a year, aired LIVE. That fried them and they fled to California.

Over the next thirty years they wrote for THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, GOMER PYLE, REAL MCCOYS, THE ODD COUPLE, and 24 episodes of MASH. They also penned the Jack Lemmon movie, GOOD NEIGHBOR SAM and many of the Don Knotts flicks.

Everett flew planes, wrote jazz, built bizarre sculptures out of pipes and everyday items. (they’re featured in GOOD NEIGHBOR SAM and also an episode of MASH), and after Jim passed away Everett launched a very successful second career as an actor and voice over talent. He appeared on SEINFELD, THIRD ROCK, MATLOCK and numerous other shows and commercials. One of his best friends was Marlon Brando, who he roomed with briefly in New York.

Jim preferred to spend his time at the Tail O’ the Cock restaurant in the Valley.

Ev also went to MIT, and was a Navy fighter pilot. You know – just your typical comedy writer resume. He wrote an autobiography called “The Goldenberg Who Couldn’t Dance”.

Of their many MASH episodes the one that’s best remembered is “Abyssinia Henry”, the one where Henry Blake gets killed.

I’ll leave you with a typical Jim & Ev line. From Klinger in the episode “Bug Out”: “A good cigar is like a beautiful chick with a great body who also knows the American League box scores. “

They don’t write ‘em like that anymore. I sure wish they did.

The Queen

One of these is the Queen of England and the other could easily play her in the "Legends" impersonator show in Las Vegas.


I recently saw THE QUEEN. Excellent movie. Jolly good. Well done. Bob’s your uncle. Helen Mirren has come a long way since CALIGULA. THE QUEEN provided great insight into the British Monarchy (although it still doesn’t explain why Queen Elizabeth refused my offer to read the Esskay Meats Out-of-town scoreboard when she attended an Orioles game I broadcast). Here's the post.

A few years ago when the Queen Mum passed away there were thousands of messages left on her Board of Remembrance. What follows are ACTUAL examples. See the movie and they’re even funnier.

******

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover".

L.J.Worthington,Penrith.

-------------------------

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion, how would she feel if it was her mother?"

W.Waugh, Richmond.

--------------------------

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until her majesty is buried"

E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

---------------------------

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot imagine that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".

A.Christie,Hendon.

---------------------------

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit"

J.Clement. Grantham.

----------------------------

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"

D.Holmes, Somerset.

-----------------------------

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening".

B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

--------------------------------

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off".

S.Wilson, Bristol.

---------------------------------

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual".

J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

----------------------------------

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs". E. Franks, Cheshire.

----------------------------------

"On behalf on all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".

T.Watson, Ilford.

-----------------------------------

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this setback put an end to her public duties".

N. Wallace, Swansea.

-----------------------------------

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event"

E. Thompson, West Lothian.

-----------------------------------

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin."

R. Thompson, Bath.

-----------------------------------

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana".

G.Williams, West Midlands.

------------------------------------

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".

L. Weller, Harlow.

-------------------------------------

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"

J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

--------------------------------------

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort"

T.D.Wainwright, Hastings.

---------------------------------------

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".

Y. Howell, Slough.

Borat and the state of television

I never go to big hit movies the weekend they’re released. It seems stupid to stand in long lines when the same film will be there in a week or Wednesday at 5:30. It’s not a once-only concert, it’s a movie. But I broke my rule this weekend for BORAT. I had to see it. And I was not disappointed. It was HILARIOUS. Yeah yeah, it was a scathing satire on our culture – I’ve read all the bullshit articles – but it was just fucking FUNNY!!! Small wonder it was a boxoffice smash. People want to laugh. Even if they know some of the jokes will be offensive, even if they know they will groan at some things, deliver solid laughs in any form and there will be a stampede to your door.

The same was true a couple of years ago on Broadway with THE PRODUCERS.

So what about television? Is comedy dead? No, not if SEINFELD premiered today. Not if THE SIMPSONS premiered today. But the sitcom form has been so formulized, so homogenized so bastardized that it’s sinking under its own weight. I’m not saying do BORAT as a series (although, watch – next year there will be fifteen Borat-type pilots... and they'll all be lame), I’m saying the networks are looking for the wrong thing.

Every year before development season they go on retreats. They spend four days between spa treatments deciding what their comedy agenda should be that year. Family comedies with emphasis on dad? Family comedies with emphasis on mom? Stress the kids? Downplay the kids? Buddy comedies? Ethnic buddy comedies? Young single urban female driven workplace comedy? Urban people in rural setting? Rural people in urban setting? A vehicle for Paula Marshall?

What they should be saying is this: who are the writers who are REALLY FUNNY? Who has proven that they can make an audience laugh? And go by the individual not the credit. Greg Garcia (MY NAME IS EARL) comes from YES, DEAR and is a much funnier writer than a lot of the FRIENDS alums who went on to big deals and multiple failures.

Hire the funniest people and tell them to create the funniest shows. Single camera? Multiple camera? Doesn’t matter. 25 year old writer? 55 year old writer? Who cares? And let them cast their shows with the funniest actors they can find and not recycled sitcom vets or pretty faces. Leave them alone and let them flourish. Never give the note “make her more likeable” or “we need to up the stakes” or “can we show he has a good side too?”

Will every show be a gem? Of course not. But one or two might, which is a whole lot better than what they’ve got now. Last week NBC’s comedy block of 30 ROCK and TWENTY GOOD YEARS not only finished behind C/W but also Univision. It’s time for a new model.

Networks shake their heads and say there’s no audience appetite for comedy anymore. Of course there is. Now more than ever. Just look at the lines for BORAT, a character, who by way, began in television.

Bob Redford on the phone. Tell him I'm busy.

With the election coming up on Tuesday I’m getting three calls an hour from my “close personal friends” Ed Begeley Jr. and Sally Field pimping some candidate or proposition. If I’m on the fence over whom to vote for do I study up on the issues or take the word of the Flying Nun?

Granted, the RICH LIST contestants actually believe it IS Robert Redford calling them but for the rest of us it is just annoying. Besides, do I want Martin Sheen knowing my home number?

I have half a mind to call Senator Barbara Boxer’s office, get her on the phone and say, “Yes, I'm returning your call.”

Here’s a novel concept: how about thinking for ourselves? Or at the very least realizing that celebrities are there to merely amuse us and when we do need to seek the council of others we turn instead to people who actually are qualified to help – namely BLOGGERS.

The Rich List

We have finally found the stupidest people in America. They are all contestants on THE RICH LIST, the newest and easiest game show on television UNLESS the players are dumber than a tree stump and these contestants would need tutoring to reach that level.

This is another import from Great Britain by the same annoying folks who brought you THE WEAKEST LINK. Same pinball machine type set, same overly dramatic techno music punctuating every sentence the imported host (Nathan Lane with an English accent) has to say.

The hook here is that they only find village idiots to play. One mismatched pair of morons squares off against another. They are given a category. TOM CRUISE MOVIES, STEVEN KING NOVELS AND SHORT STORIES, THE TOP ONE HUNDRED NEWSPAPERS, BEST PICTURE WINNERS, DISNEY ANIMATED MOVIES (INCLUDING PIXAR). How many can they list? One group said they couldn’t list five major newspapers. Another had trouble after just a few Steven King stories even though there are 175 to choose from. One group could only answer six Best Pictures. And my favorite, this same team of cretins could only name six Disney animated features. They got TOY STORY then couldn’t think of another one. Even TOY STORY 2.

Here’s what’s scary. REALLY scary. These people serve on juries. These people drive cars. And on Tuesday these people vote. Maybe we’ll be lucky and the concept of punching holes in a ballot or pulling a lever will be too confusing for them.

The renewed life of Brian

Drugs and therapy work!! I saw Brian Wilson perform at Royce Hall at UCLA Wednesday night and am happy to report it was one of the greatest concerts I’ve ever seen. Absolutely electric. And with any Brian Wilson concert there’s the added appreciation of just how far this guy has come from a year in bed to being able to perform in major venues without so much as a sandbox at his feet.

There’s always a price for genius and Brian has not only paid for himself but the whole room. The resulting music, however, is extraordinary. I hear “God Only Knows” and think, I’d be over-the-moon thrilled if just once in my lifetime I could write “Little Deuce Coupe”.

His backup group, the Wondermints, is far better than the Beach Boys ever were. (I guess the “Beach Boys” now play minor league baseball stadiums, County Fairs, and Jiffy Lube openings.) And to make the night extra special Brian was reunited for the first time with original Beach Boy, Al Jardine.

They played for two-and-a-half hours, the highlight being the recreation of the entire “Pet Sounds” album which was absolutely thrilling. Although he didn’t include my favorite Beach Boy songs – In My Room (in German), No-Go Showboat, and All Dressed Up for School – he did feature many of the group’s big hits and was in great voice and spirits. The ecstatic crowd, mostly baby boomers (or as the TV networks call them – “dead for all we care”) was on its feet for much of the show…not easy to do anymore with their knees. A few even bought the Brian Wilson action figure that was being sold in the lobby. Yes, there is an actual Brian Wilson action figure (You can now play “Meet me after the show” with Malibu Barbie).

In addition to the great orchestrations, innovative chords, and lush harmonies I was struck by how evocative the music was of the time and how ambitious it was, even the early stuff. For every song about surfing there was one about teen angst. And they each strike such an emotional chord that even forty years later they still resonate.

It hasn’t been easy for the Pepsi Generation. We survived a war, drugs, civil unrest, Nixon, disco, midlife crises, the economy, raising children, caring for parents, 9-11, and nothing to watch on ABC. And we had it EASY compared to Brian Wilson. But there he was, still going strong, still singing his heart out. Damn it, we can STILL have fun fun fun until daddy takes the T-Bird away!

If you get the chance to see Brian Wilson in concert, do it. Even if you’re grounded. Sneak out.

Early Oscar buzz

It’s the beginning of November and that of course means the beginning of the Oscar watch. Oscar campaigns are more important than the movies themselves. Strategists agree that the single best exposure is through a mention on this blog. So I URGE all studios to send me DVD’s of any film you feel should be under consideration. And SHORTBUS. I’m curious but not enough to pay to see it.

The LA TIMES has already begun handicapping these contenders…even though many of them have yet to be released. So I might as weigh in too, considering I have no more credibility than they do. And a couple of these movies I've actually seen.

********

BABEL – Brad Pitt may finally get that Oscar he deserved for TROY. Older voters might be put off by its violence and lack of musical numbers.

BLOOD DIAMOND – Leonardo DiCaprio, action, and a political message. But may be too entertaining. Voters can’t have that.

BOBBY – Studio marketing checked first and determined Bobby is the favorite of the Kennedy brothers among voters so the movie was greenlit. Lots of stars to add to the prestige like Harry Belafonte, Heather Graham, Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan, and Sharon Stone. There’s concern that they’ll cancel each other out for Best Supporting noms.

CATCH A FIRE -- According to the LA TIMES – “voters like real struggles against Third World oppression.” Maybe that’s why JACKASS TWO has been genrally overlooked.

THE DEPARTED – Scorsese's not taking any chances. His next film is about real struggles against Third World oppression. Not sure Martin deserves it for this. Seems his single directing note throughout was: “Jack, bigger!!”

DREAMGIRLS – Musical starring Beyonce. Voters have been assured there’s no hip-hop. Billed at RAY meets CHICAGO. But it could be THE BODYGUARD meets THE PRODUCERS.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHER – No one’s going to see it and Clint won last time. Will get nominations because voters like America but no shot.

THE GOOD GERMAN – Usually academy members like movies about bad Germans. But it's got George Clooney and voters approve of his acceptance speeches so don't count him out.

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND – Forest Whittaker is so convincing as Idi Amin voters may be afraid of him. Should not only win the Oscar but they should throw in an Emmy for his work on THE SHIELD.

LITTLE CHILDREN – Kate Winslett gets a nom for sure and Jack Earle Haley as the creepy pedophile will get a Best Supporting nod or at least join the cast of PRISON BREAK.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – A well-written intelligent comedy that was a boxoffice sleeper hit? Why even bother? Same movie but set in Afghanistan and now you're talking tuxedos.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS – Feels like Will Smith’s desperate attempt at an Oscar. Sorry, Will. You shoulda played Idi. Maybe there's a Sam Cooke bio script out there for you for next year.

THE QUEEN – Helen Mirren is the new Judi Densch.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS – Possible nominations only to fill out categories. Tepid reviews and boxoffice. However, voters may reward director Ryan Murphy (NIP/TUCK) for not having the Carver included in this movie.

VENUS – Peter O’Toole is Oscar’s Susan Lucci. Younger voters may say “who is Peter O’Toole”? Older voters may say, "Jesus, do I look that old, too?"

WORLD TRADE CENTER – Academy members hate Oliver Stone. Or maybe it’s just me.

And my guess is the movie I will like more than any other this year is none of these. It’s BORAT.