Memories of Lateline

Still in frigid New York. I am reminded of the month I spent here directing a sitcom called LATELINE for NBC. It starred Senator Al Franken and aired in the late 90’s.

The show was filmed in Queens at the Kaufman-Astoria studios. Next door was SESAME STREET and it was not uncommon to see guys walking down the hall with Muppets on one hand and cigarettes in the other. I hung out one lunch break there with Big Bird and guest star, Peter Jennings.

We filmed on Tuesday nights and began rehearsing the next show the following day. In LA, after the show wrapped on Tuesday night, crews would strike the swing sets and start setting up the new ones. Not in New York. They would strike the sets on Wednesday when we were rehearsing. As inconvenient as this was I was told this was still far preferable to the all-night crews. I don’t even want to know why. But that meant in order to wheel out the big unwieldy set pieces they’d roll back the huge stage door that opened right out onto a city street. So anyone walking by could just stop and watch us rehearse. Also, since this was November, the open door permitted the first blast of winter to enter the studio. We all rehearsed in parkas.

There aren’t too many multi-camera shows filmed in New York. So there aren’t a lot of cameramen familiar with the form. Of our four cameramen, two primarily covered Mets games on Channel 9. If a character reached for a phone they zoomed in on his hand. I had to tell them, this was an actor not a shortstop.

But my favorite times were the studio/network runthroughs. These occurred after the third day of production. In order for execs back in LA to see the rehearsal a satellite hook up was employed. LATELINE was a behind-the-scenes look at late night news program a la NIGHTLINE so our main set was this huge honkin’ newsroom. The satellite feed was hooked up to one camera. This poor cameraman who looked like Don Knotts only more frightened, had to just follow the action the best he could. And of course he would miss lines, be fishing around looking for people, crash into desks, etc.

After one such ragged runthrough we got this network note: How come there are no close ups?

How do you even begin to answer that?

The DVD of LATELINE is available and worth checking out. Some very funny episodes. One in particular with Allison Janney and I’d like to think her performance was what first caught NBC’s attention. The next season she was cast in THE WEST WING. But on LATELINE she was hilarious! And thanks to that network note, there are quite a few close ups.

Upfronts and Personal & publicity

Here in New York for my play reading next week. Thanks to BroadwayWorld.com for the nice ink:

UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL READING 2-12-2007

Four Broadway stars will take part in a free reading of Ken Levine's Upfronts and Personal on February 12th at 7:30 PM at CAP21's The Shop (18 West 18th Street).

The reading will star Tony Award-winner Joanna Gleason (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Into the Woods), Malcolm Gets (Amour, A New Brain), Chip Zien (Falsettos, Into the Woods) and David Rasche (Regrets Only, Speed-the-Plow).

According to CAP21 notes, the show "is a comedy about how studios and writer/producers get their shows on the network fall schedule. It’s a world of competition, deals, deceit, allies, enemies, compromise, sex, love, death, savvy, ageism, ethics, and a fat guy in a Beefeater suit."

The rest of the article is here.

Also thanks to Playbill.com for their nice piece.

Here's just a sample of the play. When a young writer asks a studio president (who will be played by WINGS' David Schramm) just what are "Upfronts", he says:

"The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more than blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution."

I may not win a Tony but it was great to get off my chest.

Superbowl XLIXXXCIIXXCLX

I love Superbowls in the rain. Missed PAT’s, back-to-back fumbles twice, wet cheerleaders, and rich people paying five grand for tickets getting soaked.

On HD the long shots through wet lens still looked smeared but the smear was much sharper.

Levine’s law: the team that runs back the opening kickoff for a touchdown loses.

Of the 34,563,563,984,001 people that watched last year’s Superbowl I bet only 2,000,000 can name the two teams. And half of those only remember because they lost money. Pittsburgh and I think…Seattle. Seattle, right? Yeah. Seattle.

Now that the game is over our sports sections can finally focus on fishing!

Ten thousand tedious hours of pre-game coverage and analysis and NOBODY predicted the Colts defense would be the key.

I bet Sunday was the one night of the year you could get into Joe’s Stone Crabs without a two hour wait.

More fun than the game was the Media Day on Wednesday. Here are some of the great questions the players were asked:

To Colts tight end Ben Utect: “Since you play for the Colts, are you going to win one for Barbano?”

To Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher: “What exercises do you do to get such a tight butt and such big biceps?”

To Bears linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo: “Do you think it’s okay for a man to give another man a massage?”

Since when did Sam Rubin become a sports journalist???

I still can’t forgive the Colts for fleeing Baltimore in the dead of night.

Only one player was under house arrest – Tank Johnson of the Bears. And all he did was illegally keep a semiautomatic rifle, a loaded .45-caliber handgun, four other guns, one ammunition stash of 550 rounds, three arrests in 18 months, then violated probation. But he was given a one game suspension so there you go.

I’d love to see the post game commercial – “ (blank), you’ve just won the Superbowl, now what?” Player: “I’m going to PRISON!!”

The CBS pre-game show featured James Brown (the other one who isn’t buried), Dan Marino, Boomer Esison, Shannon Sharpe, and Katie Couric. Brown tried to give Katie some street cred by pointing out her athletic background – she once was a cheerleader. Will we see her next Sunday on the Grammy’s giving out the best hip hop CD?

Explain to me the point of Cirque de Soleil? Fellini meets the Orange Bowl halftime show.

I don’t care how many Grammy’s Billy Joel has won, the huge woman in the big bird dress who auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL was better.

And then the anachronism now known as Prince – When the Foo Fighters recorded “The Best Of You” there’s a reason they didn’t have you sing the lead and back it with a marching band. And Robert Goulet wants his turquoise suit back.

Speaking of Bob Goulet, good job in that Emeralds nuts spot. Now if only anyone under forty knew who he was.

CBS charged $85,000 a second for Superbowl commercial time. I wanted to call and order a three second spot.

Tickets to one of the suites went for over $200,000. But Cheese Doodles were included.

I loved that both head coaches were African-American.

In the “Boy named Sue” department – you HAD to play football in school if your name was Lovie Smith.

Jim Nance did a fine job announcing the game. You couldn’t ask for anyone better other than Dick Enberg, Al Michaels, Joe Buck, Charlie Jones, Vin Scully, or Keith Jackson.

God, I feel old. I remember when THE A-TEAM premiered after a Superbowl.

Those Coke commercials were fabulous. Great animation, inventive, and I guess they didn’t get the memo because their spots had no talking animals, pratfalls, stupid slackers, lame jokes, and old people riding motorcycles,

I’m only sorry the Flomax commercial didn’t follow the Budweiser commercial.

I wish it were raining so hard that when Tony Dungy got drenched with the Gatorade bucket he wouldn’t realize it.

I’m sure Peyton Manning’s first reaction when the gun sounded was not elation but relief.

Come this time next year if anyone should ask – the Indianapolis Cols and I think… the Chicago Bears.

The Fresh Prince of Rome

Molto bene!

The Lost CHEERS

My now Superbowl tradition. The “Lost scene of CHEERS”. My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)… then never shown again.. I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. For the first time in 23 years, here’s the lost script of that scene. Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both the CW and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm, the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot. Enjoy, trivia buffs:

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON

CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.

DIANE
Morning everyone.

EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.

DIANE
You boys are here early today.

NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.

CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.

CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.

SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.

DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.

CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.

PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.

PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.

SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.

CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.

PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.

SAM
Welcome to Cheers.

EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.

CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?

PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.

DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?

SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.

PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.

DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.

PETE
That’s right.

DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.

EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.

DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.

THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.

NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.

PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…

DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?

EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.

PETE
What’s going on?

NO REACTION.

PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?

EVERYONE
Cheers.

THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.

PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.

FADE OUT.

YOU DUPED

YOU TUBE should be called DUPED YOU. So many of these slice-of-life videos turn out to be hoaxes. The latest is this one. A girl on her wedding day freaks out. I mean, a meltdown even Sean Penn would approve. It’s received over 9,000,000 hits (waaaay more than my Sorkin parody) and causing cyber buzz. But it’s really staged – four actress wannabes from Canada cooked up the whole thing. I applaud their ingenuity but I’m not crazy about this trend of misleading people for attention. I guess what I’m really saying is I WANT TO SEE REAL WEDDING MELTDOWNS!

Daytime television

Hello from New York. Flying Jet Blue gave me a chance to sample 36 channels of daytime television. If you’re like me and rarely watch daytime TV (preferring instead to have a life) here’s what you’re missing.

Commercial breaks on every channel are ten minutes. And they’re all for arthritis medication, urinary leak prevention, cholesterol reducers. Every spot warns of 72 potentially fatal side effects and ends with happy old people riding motorcycles.

Only exception: BBCA. They had lawn mower commercials.

ESPN “Classic’ showed iron man truck pulls. Before ESPN bought that channel they showed great Ali fights and the 1960 World Series.

On the six other ESPN channels there was endless discussion about the upcoming Superbowl. They were interviewing everybody in Miami, including the one Cincinnati Bengal who isn’t under arrest.

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS keeps keeping on. Eric Braeden never ages. He must have a portrait of himself somewhere in an attic where he looks like Bob Barker.

And speaking of Bob, it’s time. Walk your dogs, nap in the afternoon, ride a motorcycle.

The Hallmark Channel plays MATLOCK all day long. Comedy Central repeats THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT but not enough.

The anchors on THE WEATHER CHANNEL are soooo perky! They all have terminal Mary Hart disease. They could not sound happier telling us about the ice storm in Virginia, the delays at O’Hare, and the golf ball sized hale in Georgia. Wooooo!! Yeah!!!!! Hale!!!! Alllll-right!!!!

It’s impossible to watch A&E without that damn SOPRANOS promo in the corner of the screen for ten out of every fifteen minutes. WE KNOW!!!

CSI: MIAMI is on A&E. It’s 100 degrees, 100% humidity, punishing blinding sun and David Caruso strolls around all in black. At the beginning of every show he surveys the crime scene, is thoroughly disgusted, vows to stop at nothing in solving this travesty then lets his crew do all the work. At the end he swoops back in, is satisfied… but not satisfied enough. Cut to Jerry Bruckheimer’s credit.

A&E also showed my favorite repeat episode of 24. It’s the one where Jack is declared legally dead at the top of the show and by the end is beating the shit out of three guys in a parking lot. But he winces once so you know he’s not 100%.

At THE FOOD CHANNEL they’re whipping up meatloafs, soufflés, and fondues and each dish requires seventeen pans, six bowls, thirty-four kitchen utensils, and $1,000 in raw ingredients. But after watching for fifteen minutes, when the stewardess came around with Mini Wheat Thins I almost dove for the bag.

There were some fun great construction disasters over on THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Every time I came across the FOX NEWS CHANNEL – click!

TV LAND had GUNSMOKE. It’s always fun to see known actors when they were 20. Loretta Swit before she went all Michael Jackson.

COACH is still on. Who knew?

Watching THE NEWLYWED GAME on the GSN confirms that the 70’s were the single worst decade for fashion. Ohmygod! What were we thinkin’? The wide lapels, bellbottoms, leisure suits, pastel colors all accessorizing our cheesy moustaches and Mr. Kotter hairstyles – we were truly idiots. And as I watched, I couldn’t help thinking – when are they going to bury James Brown already?

BRAVO seemed to have Kathy Griffin’s stand up act on a continuous loop. Visual turbulence.

FOX NEWS again. Click!

There must be ten auto insurance companies I never heard of before today.

And as if all the Medicare, trade college, and ambulance chaser commercials weren’t enough to send me into a major depression and hammer home the subliminal message that I’m a LOSER, I must have seen four sitcoms from the 90’s all written and produced by talented writers who today can’t get work.

“Stewardess, here's my last five dollars. I’ll have a gin & tonic!”