TNT is in trouble

TNT has a potential programming problem. If Fred Thompson decides to campaign for president this summer they have a tough choice to make. Thompson is a mainstay on LAW & ORDER, a show that TNT runs 23 hours a day. With equal time laws they must offer every other candidate equal air time or stop airing his episodes thus reducing their inventory to the Juice Man infomercials. Oh, if only the NBA playoffs lasted till October instead of merely June.

The alternative is to air the shows other candidates have starred in. Hillary Clinton played Screech’s mom for several seasons of SAVED BY THE BELL but fans will concede those weren’t the great years. Congressman Tom Tancredo was a contestant on THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB but left after only a couple of episodes following an altercation with fellow dieter, Bizarre.

Who can forget Rudolph Giuliani as the neigborhood crank on BECKER? Or Joe Biden tripping the light fantastic with Paulina Porizkova on DANCING WITH THE STARS?

Does TNT really want to show all the never aired episodes of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT just because Mitt Romney played Heather Graham’s love interest? And what kind of numbers could they draw reprising WHO’S YOUR DADDY hosted by Wesley Clark?

Al Gore was on the popular SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLAND but was voted off week two because his tribe mates just got so sick of hearing about the environment. Barack Obama recurs in flashbacks on LOST as the brother Kate never talks about but those appearances are sporadic. And John McCain lasted only three weeks on ALL MY CHILDREN after his character was killed for sleeping with Babe, Di, Colby, Brooke, Erica, Krystal, Myrtle, and Opal.

But there is some hope for TNT. Considering the amount of residuals Fred Thompson would lose by having his L&O episodes preempted he may realize that even if he won and became president of the United States he’d still be taking way too big a pay cut. His agents (always looking at the “big picture”) are working feverishly to get him to drop out of the race.

Coming Monday: My gala Summer Movies Preview

Anti-pornography film

This is a 1965 anti-pornography film narrated by local Los Angeles newscaster, George Putnam. He was the inspiration for Ted Baxter. Looking back, he was obviously right. We all have been horribly corrupted. Oh, if only we had seen this film before it was too late.

Free Paris! Free Paris!

Now HERE'S a reality show I want to see -- Paris Hilton has been ordered to spend 45 days in jail for violating probation.

I'm sure she'll be welcomed with open arms by the other inmates.

Bet she wishes she were Nicole Richie. She could then slip between the bars.

Any thoughts???

the D.C. Madam defense trial

The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A lawyer is questioning a witness.

LAWYER
Now senator, just tell us what happened on the night –

SENATOR
Day. It was my lunch hour.

LAWYER
On the day in question.

SENATOR
First let me state that there was no sex involved. I merely received a massage.

LAWYER
From who, senator?

SENATOR
(pointing) That young lady, there. Erotica.

LAWYER
The court will note the senator is pointing to the young lady in hot pants, leather boots, nurses cap, chewing gum.

SENATOR
That’s a licensed nurse’s hat.

LAWYER
Duly noted. So how did you find her?

SENATOR
Lovely. Just look at her.

LAWYER
No. How did you procure her, senator?

SENATOR
Oh. I was looking for massage therapists in the yellow pages and just selected her at random. 1-800-RUB-MEE.

LAWYER
And she came to your office?

SENATOR
No. The office is a little small. I’m a junior senator. But that day I was house-sitting a friend’s condo.

LAWYER
He was out of town.

SENATOR
Working late.

LAWYER
Go on.

SENATOR
We met at noon and both took off our clothes.

LAWYER
The masseuse too?

SENATOR
She didn’t want me to feel self-conscious.

LAWYER
You didn’t find that unprofessional?

SENATOR
I did and asked her to please keep on the hat.

LAWYER
I assume she brought her own massage table.

SENATOR
Actually, in her rush to be on time she said she forgot it.

LAWYER
So what did you use?

SENATOR
Fortunately, there was a bed in the condo.

LAWYER
She then began the massage.

SENATOR
Well, not right away. We had a glass of wine first.

LAWYER
Why, senator?

SENATOR
She said I seemed tense.

LAWYER
Isn’t that what the massage was for?

SENATOR
I asked that too and she said if I didn’t shut up she would consider me a bad boy and punish me.

LAWYER
Which you didn’t want.

SENATOR
We’re talking Monday, the 12th? No. All I could afford that day was the massage.

LAWYER
Did she actually give you the massage?

SENATOR
Yes. She performed it. But no sex. Legally, as long as I am on my stomach we are both allowed to be naked. And remember, technically she wasn’t – the hat and all.

LAWYER
So describe the massage for this court.

SENATOR
First she started working on my pecs and chest.

LAWYER
I thought you were on your stomach.

SENATOR
I was. At all times.

LAWYER
Then where was she?

SENATOR
Under me.

LAWYER
And you didn’t find this unusual?

SENATOR
I told you. I couldn’t afford to speak up.

LAWYER
And how long did this go on for?

SENATOR
Three minutes the first time, and twelve minutes the second.

LAWYER
I see. And now you no longer employ Ms… uh… Erotica.

SENATOR
No. Not since the shocking charges.

LAWYER
And what do you do now for massages?

SENATOR
I’ve begun going to Margaritaville, who – before you get any ideas – is a licensed practitioner of the full body Belize massage method. And unlike Erotica, is very thorough. I’ve used her six times. Not once did she forget the hammock.

LAWYER
No further questions, Your Honor.

SENATOR
I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight. And I’m sure the other 985 witnesses feel the same way.

THE (HAPPY) END

Thanks for the memories

For you non-AMERICAN IDOL fans, here is what I was going to post today before being so moved by last night’s results show that I fast forwarded through.

Some quick miscellaneous blurbs….

This is the worst headline I’ve seen recently, after the Angels beat Kansas City on Monday night –

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

If you’re writing a 30 ROCK spec, still include Alec Baldwin whether he’s still on the show or not. Just don’t introduce the character of his daughter.

And finally, here’s my favorite Bob Hope story, told by one of his writers. Bob was once in Tel Aviv. It was a night off so he and his staff went to an Israeli comedy club. One comic, speaking only in Hebrew, was killing. Even Bob was laughing. One of his confused writers turned to him and said, “Bob, you speak Hebrew?” to which he replied, “Nah, but I trust these people.”

And for those measley 30,000,000 folks who do watch AMERICAN IDOL...

AMERICAN IDOL results show and pimp parade

This is a typical AMERICAN IDOL results show:

Give to our charity!
Enter the song writing contest!
Buy our itunes!
Check out our website!
Watch our Ford commercials again!
Enter our Challenge contest!
Download our videos!
Buy tickets to our tour!
Enroll in our camp!
Get our Season 6 CD!
Drink Coca Cola!
Visit the Idol store!
Watch us next week!

And along the way… watch more footage from Africa, suffer through “highlights” of last week’s interminable results show, endure Ryan Seacrest’s Neanderthal-on-the-street interviews at Farmer’s Market, wade through highlights of the previous night’s show, mist up over sappy loser journey videos (Oh, that precious moment when they were once in the same room as Bono), and sit through Randy and Paula answering simple questions and setting American literacy back ten years.

The AMERICAN IDOLS Results show is the only program where you fast forward through the show and watch the commercials.

But this week two contestants were sent home so the actual entertainment portion of the one hour show was doubled to four minutes. It also meant Ryan wasn’t able to plug the exciting new AMERICAN IDOL WAR ON TERRORISM that will begin right after the summer tour and just before Sanjaya replaces Rosie O’Donnell on THE VIEW.

At least this week they brought back Antonella and not Bush. And they dispensed with the horrible group singing number that always sounded like the finale of the Country Bear Jamboree stage show at Disneyland.

Musical acts included the completely random Robin Thicke (whose voice was so high garage doors all over America were going up) and Bon Jovi who surprise, surprise – got to plug his latest tour.

Very little suspense with Chris and Phil being voted off. Both seemed to know it and handled their dismissals with class and humility. If Phil had Bon Jovi’s hair he’d be a finalist. Chris was dressed in fatigue green so he’s ready to hunt down terrorists as AMERICAN IDOL doesn’t just GIVE BACK they also TAKE BACK!

Now we’re down to four. Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, and Blake. Anything can happen although 99% of the time on Wednesday nights nothing happens.

AMERICAN IDOL: Rock Week

Despite the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has sold 120,000,000 albums, Simon Cowell apparently was unfamiliar with him. So were a number of the contestants. And that’s all you have to know about ROCK N’ ROLL – AMERICAN IDOL style. It might as well have been Klezmer night.

I’m sure Simon longed for the days when REAL rock stars like Peter Noone and Barry Manilow served as the guest mentors.

For his part, I thought Jon Bon Jovi gave the best advice all season, even better than Diana Ross advising the kids to start getting face work done now.

So last week’s Cheeseathon brought in $70 million between donations and corporate sponsors. I’m thrilled that number was so high, but of the $70 mil only $5 was from News Corp. What a magnanimous gesture. Especially since News Corp. probably made another $40 million selling advertising for the two nights.

Great seeing Antonella Barba and George Bush on the same show.

The program Mr. Bush really should appear on is SO YOU THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Phil Stacey looks enough like Frankenstein without having that microphone cord wrap around the back of his head. Randy thought he gave his best performance. Paula was just excited she didn’t look like a seal in those white pants. And Simon didn’t like the song selection. Unfortunately Bon Jovi never did any cover versions from OLIVER.

Usually, they put the weakest performance number two and this week was no exception. Jordin Sparks was the happy, perky rocker chick. Her look and song felt a little “dress up”. Still, I think she’s safe because this week’s vote total will be combined with last week’s when she wowed America singing a selection from Simon’s favorite hard rock composers, Rogers & Hammerstein.

Don’t you wish Sanjaya were still around for Bon Jovi night??? Flitting about the stage singing “Bad Medicine”. “I got a dirty down addiction/It doesn't leave a track/I got a jone for your affection/Like a monkey on my back.” The tweeners would LOVE it!!

This week’s knife in the heart moments: Jordin telling Jon Bon Jovi that her mother grew up on him. That’s what every fading rock star wants to hear. And Ryan saying to offed-contestant Gina, “Rock week. This must be KILLING you.” Add another seven years onto that therapy, Gina.

LaKisha looked like she was wearing a Houston Astros rainbow road uniform from 1972. What was with that huge red stripe? However, she gave one of her best performances after several disappointing weeks. Was it the judges’ comments that turned her around? No. I like to think it’s because she saw Kimberley Locke on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Simon kissing LaKisha was a great moment. Ryan was so jealous.

I liked Blake with the dark hair. He looked like a young Charles Grodin. And finally he tossed away the argyle sweaters and went back to his strength – doing bizarre totally original versions of songs that today seem fresh and hip and in five years will look ridiculous. But this night he shined. And I’ll never be able to sing “You Give Love a Bad Name” again without lapsing into Daffy Duck.

Chris Richardson’s idea of taking a risk is singing through his mouth. He’s awful. He will need more than a charity to keep him on after this week.

And Melinda continues to prove she can sing anything. She got the pimp spot this week and delivered big time. The judges compared her to Tina Turner. I agree. She was so dead-on for Tina Turner that if I were Melinda I’d get a restraining order on Ike just to play it safe.

Two finalists get voted off tonight. After last week’s staged sacrifice of Jordin (nice of the producers to do that to the one 17 year old contestant… on their celebration of humanity night) I’m sure her fans will be out in full force. Chris is toast. Probably Phil. But maybe LaKisha. I sure hope not. I’d hate to see her on that big CELEBRITY FIT CLUB scale with Ant making bitchy jokes and Rosie O’Donnell yelling, “You go girl!”