The Battle of the Bionic Women

Which BIONIC WOMAN do you prefer? Here's a promo for the original BIONIC WOMAN in 1976 starring Lindsay Wagner:



And here's one for the new BIONIC WOMAN starring Michelle Ryan:



So what do you think? I have to go with the original. That stunt where Lindsay Wagner splits that stump in half -- Wow! Now THAT is a special effect!!!

How we write

I received some great suggestions from readers responding to Sunday's post. You are ALWAYS welcome to ask me questions. I will even devote a post to answers if I get enough of them. Also, people want to know my feelings about current shows, especially comedies. So from time to time once the new season begins I will take a specific sitcom episode and critique it. I'll give you a heads-up on which one and when. I do this in my Sitcom Room seminar and the students find it very helpful. But I will only do this for shows I like. To just bash someone else's sitcom has no allure for me.

One question I've received repeatedly is just how my partner and I write? What is our process? It's a little wacky but it works for us.

I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 34 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”

Writing teams all work differently. Here’s our M.O. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to an assistant who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.

It now takes us four to five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 34 years of experience comes in handy.

We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.

Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.

And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.

We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.

Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.

There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”

But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.

A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced. And the amount of sex is about the same.

A FRASIER casting story

Wow! While I thought the response to my second Sitcom Room would be good, I wasn't expecting 12 people to register for it on the very first day. That means I have just 8 spaces left. If you're thinking of joining us in November, please grab one of those 8 seats before we're completely sold out.

One of my favorite casting stories is how Ben Gazzara almost guested on FRASIER. Gazzara has been a terrific distinguished actor for over 50 years. He’s appeared in hundreds of movies, including several John Cassevetes classics. His television work is extensive and impressive as well. He starred in several series including RUN FOR YOUR LIFE and ARREST AND TRIAL (a 60’s series that is not just basically LAW & ORDER, it IS LAW & ORDER).

There was an episode of FRASIER that was to introduce Martin’s partner. Frasier’s father, Martin had been a cop for the Seattle PD for thirty years. A list of possible actors was prepared and among the names the producers liked was Ben Gazzara. They were more excited when the casting director reported back that Gazzara was interested, just subject to a phone call.

So one of the executive producers got on the phone with him. Gazzara was perfectly charming. He was a fan of the show and would be delighted to play Martin’s partner.

Just one tiny thing.

He wanted to play him as Ben Gazzara.

Say what???

Gazzara didn’t want to play a character, he wanted to play the part as if he, the actor Ben Gazzara were Martin’s partner all those years. I kid you not. As if in between acting gigs Ben Gazzara was a police officer in Seattle. Now these are the nagging little logic problems writers have to face. How do you explain away that Martin's partner would slip out on weekends and vacations to appear in a hundred movies (some filmed in Europe) and star in long running TV series? And how do you make it believable that the rest of the time this noted thespian was investigating fruit stand robberies in Pike Place Market?

I still don't get it. I have enormous respect for Ben Gazzara and can only assume he didn't really understand the character he was offered or he really wasn't familiar with the show.

In any event, Mr. Gazzara did not get the part. You know how it is -- creative differences.

Tomorrow: By request -- how we write.

Stop the hearse! The Sitcom is NOT dead

One of the features of my recent Sitcom Room was a panel discussion featuring noted comedy writers. One of them, Sam Simon (SIMPSONS, TAXI, CHEERS, DREW CAREY SHOW) caused a momentary stir when he declared the sitcom was dead. Alan Sepinwall picked up on it in his article about the seminar for the Newark Star-Ledger. So I thought I’d take today to reassure you all that the sitcom is still very much alive and will continue to be.

Is it a coincidence that I’m posting this the same day I’m announcing REGISTRATION IS OPEN for my second seminar? Absolutely!! It’s just one of those eerie freaks of nature. (Details of the Sitcom Room follow this article.) But my belief that the sitcom is very much alive is sincere and supported by facts. Consider these:

Networks have not cut back their comedy development departments. Even the people who do nothing but sit in meetings and take notes still have their jobs.

Sitcoms are still getting numbers. TWO AND HALF MEN still beats HEROES and 24. THE OFFICE and 30 ROCK manage to hold their own even though they’re in the death slot against GREY’S ANATOMY and CSI.

A successful sitcom can launch an entire night. Think NBC misses FRIENDS? For Christsakes they spun off JOEY...and were so desperate they renewed it!

Sitcoms perform well in reruns. Better than any other form.

There is no other genre of television programming that is a bigger cash cow in success. Warner Brothers will make more off of FRIENDS than their big summer blockbusters combined. How much moolah do you think 20th Century Fox has raked in from MASH? It has been paying off jackpots for over thirty years with no signs of stopping or even slowing down. Compare that to AMERICAN IDOL….

Reality shows have no shelf life. You can’t even rerun AMERICAN IDOL much less put it into syndication. Once upon a time networks couldn’t own their shows. So it made no difference whether a series had syndication legs as long as they got their big ratings for one or two airings. Not anymore. Back end profits are really where it’s at and you spell that S-I-T-C-O-M.

Many hit dramas are in the same reality boat. ABC is not even rerunning LOST. Once you know what happens you don’t watch again. This is of big concern to say, WGN.

Sitcoms generally fare better in syndication than dramas. Early fringe and late night blocks usually favor comedies. Even blockbusters like ER and WEST WING don’t get the syndication numbers SEINFELD, RAYMOND, or even MASH does.

Sitcoms are FAR cheaper to produce than dramas. With the same risk of failure.

Ratings aren’t the only way networks can make money off sitcoms. How much do you think NBC will take in on the DVDs of THE OFFICE and 30 ROCK? This is a new revenue stream. So is downloading shows for your iPod. And amazingly, this hasn’t hurt syndication numbers. People who buy or download SEINFELD still watch it when it’s on TV.

Networks want to lure young viewers. What are pre-teens watching? HANNAH MONTANA and other sitcoms on The Disney Channel. And not just sitcoms – old school, retro, multi-camera, cheaply produced sitcoms. Tomorrow’s network audience sure doesn’t think the form is dead.

Sitcoms are flourishing on other outlets besides the major networks. TBS recognized that a huge sitcom loving audience was not being served and has enjoyed great success showing syndicated and original comedy series. HBO has done okay with SEX IN THE CITY, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, ENTOURAGE, and now FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS. Showtime is sure tickled it has WEEDS.

And these cable channels offer creators the chance to do more edgy off-beat shows, a freedom they might not have with the networks.

Finally, you know that television goes in cycles. There may never be the glut of sitcoms that we had in the past, but they will survive and rebound in popularity. I would amend Sam’s statement and say that yeah, the bad, stale, family sitcom with tired rhythms, forced laughs, and bogus characters is dead. I would also add – thank goodness. But the genre perseveres.

And you also know that eventually a comedy is going to break through, be the next big hit, and then sitcoms will be the hot new thing. And networks will stop programming them against GREY’S ANATOMY.

So take heart. Keep writing funny. Who knows? You could be the one to launch the next great golden age of comedy. Or at least get picked up for a second season.

I think our assistant, Lana Lewis put it best. When David and I were trying to work in some deep thought-provoking concept into a script she would say, “Aw come on you guys. America just wants to laugh!!”

She’s right.

*************

And with all that in mind, I’m holding my second Sitcom Room seminar. This one will be November 3rd and 4th in Los Angeles and like the last one, limited to twenty attendees. You can get info here and, if you want, register online. I invite you to check out the website and read what previous students had to say (under much duress). Beyond this event, I have no plans for future seminars but if I do do more they will all be in LA. It’s too hard to get four actors through airport security.

Hope to see you in November. Seriously, it’s a great and unique experience. You’ll learn a lot, have a great time, and I promise not to breakdown CASABLANCA.

Review: The Jerry Lewis Telethon

First off, thanks to all of you who responded to yesterday’s post. Part of the fun for me of having this blog is making new friends without having to be on Facebook. If you haven’t responded yet, please do. Thanks.

Okay, I admit it. I unabashedly love the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON. I look forward to it every year…for both the right and wrong reasons.

It does benefit a very worthy cause, the Muscular Dystrophy Association. The videos of the kids are both heartbreaking and inspiring. Let’s hope someday there’s a cure.

But the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON is the absolute height of entertainment cheese, a time warp to a Las Vegas scene that everyone but Jerry realizes has long since passed, and is the home of the most insincere sincerity that only show business can create. The treacle just oozes out of your speakers. Born in the swinging 60s, nurtured by Sammy Davis Jr. (combining over-concern, hipness, gross sentimentality, and jewelry), this style was perfected by Jerry Lewis who added his own special touches. No one could beg with such passion while sticking a cigarette in his ear. No one could deliver a biblical sermon, break down crying, then go into his spastic retard character for comic relief.

The Frech call him Le Roi du Crazy. They still shortchange him. Since his auteur movie days he has developed his own unique and delicious blend of condescension and humility. Every year I know what I’m going to get and am always richly rewarded.

This year Jerry called local New York co-host, Tony Orlando: “Only the best Puerto Rican to ever come to this country.”

Now how can you NOT love this???

Nowhere do superlatives fly like the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON. In only one half hour I caught “infamously wonderful”, “exceptional talent”, “most talented”, “most amazing”, “most exciting”, “unmatched”, “extraordinary”, “a true legend”, and “a treasure in every sense of the word.” On the other hand, Jerry described guest David Cassidy as “that little cocker”. He’s probably right but still!

And of course, hugs for all. Except one. I'll get to that later.

Jerry looked better than in years past – especially that one where he was on steroids and looked like a Macy’s balloon. And his hair is no longer jet black. Finally, at age 80 he’s starting to grey.

I miss the fact that he doesn’t emcee all 21 hours anymore. By hour 16 he used to be slobbering about Dean even when the media director from Safeway markets was trying to hand him a check.

And then there’s Ed McMahon. For sixty years America has been wondering – just what IS this guy’s talent? Say what you will, the man has made a wildly successful career for himself by playing the toady to the host. And we only get to see that obsequiousness one time a year now.

There was also Jann Carl and Tom Bergeron to interview people and pronounce the big words. Jerry is quoted as saying, “They’re GIANTS in their field” and he’s “Proud and humbled” to have them.

Since Jerry and Ed now take the late night hours off, who fills in and emcees? This is not a joke. Puppets!!

In LA we had three crawls going constantly. I’m sure other stations had local storm warnings, sports scores, news headlines, and promos for the new season of JUDGE JUDY so there were as many as six crawls.

The telethon is a throwback to a better Vegas, a classier Vegas – where all performers dressed, dyed their hair, and drank. It was elegance as only the mob could imagine it. There were dinner shows and late night lounge shows, and no gift shops right outside the showrooms. You couldn’t buy Keely Smith t-shirts, Rosemary Clooney refrigerator magnets, or Frank Sinatra lunch pails. But I digress…

Celine Dion recorded a gooey-gram and then sang a pre-taped song from her overblown Vegas show. Dancers were flying all over the place. Dion was raised on a large hydraulic pedestal as she belted out a song she selected just for the occasion. I kid you not, the song she felt most appropriate for the Muscular Dystrophy telethon was called “Drove All Night to Make Love to You”.

Other guests included some fat comic doing alfalfa sprouts jokes (“you call that food?”), a ventriloquist who used Jerry as his dummy, Ace Young, the cast of GREASE, super entertainer Ivanka Trump, John Tesh, Vonzell, Tony Danza, and of course the best Puerto Rican to ever come to this country.

Jerry’s son, Gary performed two songs. In the middle of the second song (a touching teen ballad Gary dedicated to his father called “Everybody Loves a Clown”) Jerry wandered onto the set, stood next to Gary for twelve seconds, obviously felt uncomfortable, and then just left. After the song, nothing. Jerry just moved on to the next thing.

So I guess the only one of Jerry’s kids who wasn’t showered with love and emotion turned out to be his own.

But it's that kind of weirdness that keeps me coming back for more. On the other hand, nothing would please me more than to hear that the telethon has been canceled because a cure has been found. And maybe Jerry could spend next Labor Day fishing with Gary.

This year's telethon collected $63.7 million dollars. Good goin'!

Who's out there?

Happy Labor Day. Traditionally, that means the end of summer and the Jerry Lewis telethon (which I shall be reviewing tomorrow). Here in Los Angeles it also means power outages during 100 degree weather.

I try to do this every six months or so. I’ve now logged over 700 posts (12 really good ones) since I started this blog in November of 2005. And I plan to continue posting something new every day.

But from time to time I ask my readers, especially new readers, to go from lurkers to one-time commenters – saying where you’re from, how you found this blog, what you’d like to see more of or less of, etc. So after you’ve called Jerry with a pledge because you were so moved by the Neil Diamond impersonator, I hope you’ll check in here.

Thanks much.

And speaking of kids (and labor), Bridget Moynahan delivered New England Patriots Quarterback, Tom Brady’s baby last week. A boy. Tom knocked her up and then split. I was really hoping Bridget would name Tom’s new son, Peyton.

Again, thanks for participating... if you do.

How's this for really bad writing?

In 1993 my writing partner, David Isaacs and I did a short run series for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin and David Morse. (Pictured underneath the sign is Ron Jacobs, our technical adviser and now host of Whodaguyradio.com)

It ran that summer, got 19 shares, kept 100% of MURPHY BROWN’S audience and was cancelled. At the time CBS had starring vehicles in the wings for Peter Scolari, Bronson Pinchot, and the always hilarious Faye Dunaway so they didn’t need us.

We were given a production order of six with three back-up scripts. We assigned the first two back-ups to our staff and planned on writing the third ourselves. When the show was cancelled we put in to CBS to get paid for the additional scripts. They said fine, but we had to turn in the completed scripts. Gulp!

That was fine for the first two scripts because the writers already had drafts. But all David and I had was a title, “Marshall’s Brother” (Arkin was Marshall). We normally write scripts by dictating them to our assistant. (Lots of advantages to this rather weird method which I can discuss in a future post.) Having done this for so long we can usually write a half hour episode in three to five days.

We called our assistant into the office and told her we were going to write a script before lunch. It was 11:30. We had one ground rule. Anything pitched had to go into the script. There was no going back, not even to clean up a sentence. We came up with the idea that Marshall’s brother (Bill) had a hearing problem. Okay, we’re not proud of it, we know it’s not very PC, but this script was never to be produced, and we had a lunch reservation. So here’s a scene from our all-time worst teleplay.

BILL ENTERS.

MARSHALL
Hey, Bill.

BILL
What?

MARSHALL
I said hi.

BILL
Huh?

MARSHALL
Hi.

BILL
Can’t understand you.

MARSHALL
Hello!!!!

BILL
Oh. Hello to you. How you feeling?

MARSHALL
Fine.

BILL
Huh?

MARSHALL
I’m fine!!

BILL
Where’s Karen?

MARSHALL
In the back.

BILL
Huh?

MARSHALL
In the back.

BILL
In the sack?

MARSHALL
No. The back room.

BILL
Why is she sleeping so late?

MARSHALL
She’s not in bed.

BILL
She hurt her head?

*******
And so on for 42 of the most rotten pages in comedy writing history. We finished the script in about 17 minutes, turned it in, got paid, but deep in my heart I know – one day, thousands of years from now, long after some global thermonuclear disaster, someone will discover this vault, open it, and the only thing left of my work, my one lasting legacy, will be the “Marshall’s Brother” episode of BIG WAVE DAVE’S.

I wish now we had taken our time and finished it in 23 minutes.