The worst TV show ever

Back from another day of picketing. No TV cameras, no Jay Leno handing out Krispy Kremes. Just us “Schmucks with Underwoods” (although to be more accurate – “Schmucks with PowerBooks”.) Even if you’re not in the guild, feel free to join us on line. And if anyone asks what you’re working on just say a pilot for Faye Dunaway (frighteningly pictured).

Which brings me to another topic:

A question I was asked at my writing seminar was, "What do you think is the worst TV show ever?” Good question but tough to answer. No matter what I come up with I’m sure I’m overlooking even worse candidates. So please feel free to chime in with your suggestions. And if you nominate AfterMASH I won’t be offended.

Some of the turkeys I might consider are…

COP ROCK – Imagine the cops from THE SHIELD breaking into song.

VIVA LAUGHLIN – Imagine a parody of COP ROCK.

SATURDAY NIGHT WITH HOWARD COSELL – Howard Cosell hosted a variety show in 1975.

BLESS THIS HOUSE – a CBS sitcom starring Andrew Dice Clay as a dad. I would have given anything to see the test results on that pilot.

THE FAYE DUNAWAY SHOW – Maybe the scariest actress in Hollywood once starred in her own sitcom for CBS. “I’m ready for my four cameras, Mr. DeMille.”

PINK LADY AND JEFF – A variety show featuring comic Jeff Altman and a Japanese girl group who had trouble speaking English. People felt sorry for Jeff. I felt sorry for the writers. And NBC passed on our pilot to put this series on the air. Not that our pilot was great but you could understand every word.

PUBLIC MORALS – Since Steven Bochco couldn’t make a cop show/musical he tried a cop show/comedy. Lasted one week. First network show to use the word “pussy”. Those two last sentences are not unrelated.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY? -- Adopted kids have to guess their real fathers in this worst reality show ever until we see what great new fare the networks put on during the strike.

DAVID CASSIDY – MAN UNDERCOVER -- Teen heartthrob David Cassidy as a cop who goes undercover in a maximum security prison. And he manages to keep his pants on the entire series.

LIFE WITH LUCY – It worked when she was 40. It even worked when she was 50. But it didn’t work when she was 106. Lucille Ball in her last sitcom, still trying to be zany, but instead of laughing you were just praying she wouldn’t break a hip.

CELEBRITY BOXING – If only the celebrities were Andrew Dice Clay and Faye Dunaway and there were no referees…

MANIMAL – A crimefighter who could turn into any animal. Imagine being read your rights by a chicken.

SUPERTRAIN – A nuclear powered bullet train that was so big it had a shopping center and swimming pool on board. Could send a cow on the tracks flying eight miles into the air. Was supposed to be like LOVE BOAT. Was more like THE HINDERBURG.

Notes from the picket line

Back from the front lines at 20th Century Fox. Day One of David vs. Goliath-Warner-corps-com-inc-ney.

Good turnout and well organized. Picket signs aplenty, many new, bottled water, and even printed lyrics to custom protest chants.

Lots of cars and trucks honked in support. Even a cement mixer, whose driver probably has three upcoming pool constructions now in jeopardy.

Since it was the first day the media was there in full force. By tomorrow there will be nobody. It was fun watching these reporters scouring the writers looking for a familiar face – ANY familiar face. And then the scowls of disappointment when there was nobody “famous” enough for them. Sorry guys, Tina Fey is in New York.

Any writer who brought a kid got interviewed.

Camera crews filmed us all marching. If they use more than four seconds of it I will be floored.

Face it, we’re not a pretty union. We'll never be mistaken for SAG.

At one point I was walking with Jim Brooks and Allan Burns (two of my absolute IDOLS) and a reporter approached Jim (pictured left). Once she confirmed he was involved with THE SIMPSONS she asked this multi Oscar and Emmy winner “are you also a writer?”


Meanwhile, another SIMPSONS scribe, Mike Scully was marching… on crutches. There's got to be some WGA award he can win for that, right?

There was a union guy with a megaphone trying to rally the troops. We’re not used to that. He tried to lead us all in a rousing chant of “We are the writers, the mighty mighty writers!” and the only reaction he got was snickering. Note to anyone with a megaphone: We’re just not a real rah rah bunch.

It was fun to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in awhile (i.e. the last strike).

You also see a lot of people on the line you haven’t seen in awhile and can’t remember who they are or how you know them. Overheard a LOT: “Hey, man/babe/dude/guy, how are ya? You’re looking great.”

Also overheard every six seconds: “What WERE you working on?”

Unfortunately, you also see every writer who ever fucked you over in your career, got the job you coveted, beat you in an arbitration, stole your girl, or beaned you in an industry softball game. And you pass by them again...and again...and again...and again...

Actor David Clennon was on the line marching. He’s not even in the WGA. Our sincere thanks to everyone not in the guild who is supporting our cause. Just ‘cause we’re the “mighty mighty writers” doesn’t mean we don’t really appreciate your help.

At 1:00 when the first shift was over I bet Junior's deli was PACKED. Not everyone will suffer from this strike.

I wrote an article for Sunday’s TORONTO STAR about the strike. Some of points I’ve mentioned already in my blog but if you’d like to see it translated into Canadian, this is the article.

See you tomorrow on Pico Blvd with my sign.

Honk if you love writers!

Sitcom Room 2

It's picture day. No time to write. Must grab my protest sign and re-enact the final scene from ON THE WATERFRONT.

Thanks to everyone who participated in this weekend's Sitcom Room 2 seminar. The scenes you guys wrote were great. Might as well join on us the picket line. You'll be in the guild soon enough.

Here are a few photos of the event:

Me, lecturing. I think this is the part where I told them I invented situation comedy.

Here are the Sitcommunists, captured in the one minute they enjoyed my lecture.

The actors who performed their scenes much better than they performed mine. Kimberly Wallis, Jeremy Licht, and Andy Goldberg. Kimberly was just on CSI: NEW YORK last week but you might not recognize her without a syringe sticking out of her neck.

The students were broken into four writing room teams. Here's one team getting studio "notes". See how thrilled they are. The note they've just been given is "Is there any way to write-in Renee Taylor?"

One of the groups hard at work. Could just as easily be a scene from Prison Break.

The seminar concluded with a panel of highly-respected-now-striking writers. Pictured: Fred Rubin, Marley Sims, Phoef Sutton, and me. Missing from the picture is my partner, David Isaacs. He's determined to be the "Maris" of my blog.

Again, thanks to all! For a first-person account of what the weekend was really like, participant Kari Geltmeyer files this in her blog.

Now I must put on my Norma Rae costume and storm the Fox lot.

On the eve of the strike

Hello from the fabulous Embassy Suites at LAX where my Sitcom Room 2 seminar is in full swing. As the students busily rewrite maybe the worst scene ever written (I wrote it) here are some personal observations on the eve of the WGA strike:

The fact that the producers had no desire to meet over the weekend to possibly reach an eleventh hour settlement is all you need to know about their sincere desire to settle this.

The last strike in ’88 was a killer. But there are some differences. Last time we went out in March, just as the TV season ended. That’s like the Major League baseball players association going out on strike in November. The only way studio and network executives would’ve seen our protest signs in ’88 is if we would have picketed the Four Seasons Maui.

Another difference: in the 80’s there were splinter groups of self serving writers who opposed the strike. Not this time. I have never seen the guild so unified, never seen the membership so strong in its resolve.

A number of non-guild members have asked what they can do? First off, thanks so much for your offer and support. I would say write editorials, blogs, letters-to-editors – anything to help educate the general public about what’s really going on here.

Gee, I hope Paul Haggis got his James Bond script in on time. And Paul, if you decide to join us in picketing you can’t park in your space on the lot.

Leave it to Hollywood. One of the big questions about the strike is what affect it will have on the Oscar telecast? Of course, this is the same industry that when President Reagan was shot, one of the trades had this headline: OSCARCAST POSTPONED. And then below in much smaller type: PRESIDENT SHOT.

The producers say we already receive royalties from DVD sales. There are no less than fifteen box sets of TV series with my scripts in them. I haven’t received a dime. I have gotten $0.19 from American Airlines for showing eight of my episodes on maybe 10,000 flights. If I save my AA royalties for 147 years I might be able to buy a snack box.

The studios could generate about $158 million from selling movies online and about $194 million from selling TV shows over the Web. So you can see why paying writers even a small royalty would financially destroy them.

And forget syndication. Networks aren’t even rerunning primetime hits. Writers could always count on a nice residual from a second network run but now popular shows like 24 and LOST go straight to the net and don’t even get a rerun.

Bottom line: a year from now the WGA, SAG, and DGA will have some deal in place, some participation formula that covers DVDs and internet delivery systems. Wouldn’t be easier for all concerned if they just negotiated something now? Why do we have to drag a dead horse across the finish line just to shoot it?

Savers

What a busy weekend. I'm conducting my second Sitcom Room seminar at the glorious Embassy Suites at LAX and preparing to strike. The object of the Sitcom Room is to give young writers the chance to really experience what's it like being in a writing room under actual rewrite night conditions. I plan on preparing them with vital survival secrets. Here's what you'd be learning if you were in the class:

To be a TV comedy writer you have to have thick skin. Generally you’re in a room with other comedy writers, all neurotics, competing against each other to get your ideas or jokes in the script. Eight puppies and one sock. Many times you’ll pitch a joke that doesn’t get a laugh or doesn’t get in. You’re out there with egg on your face. I find it’s best to develop a series of savers. As a public service, here are a few I use. (Note: if you find yourself using all of these in a five minute span consider other employment).
*******

Hey guys, don’t all hoist me on your shoulders at once!

Okay, but you’re denying America pleasure.

Oh God, it’s my prom night all over again.

If Jon Stewart pitched that you’d put it right in.

I hear laughter but I don’t see the pencil moving.

Okay, don’t see your kids tonight. Stay all night. I’m doing this for you. Some thanks I get.

Sure, it’s not funny when I say it. But when (actor) says it…

You’re only mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Nurse! They’re being mean to me again!

The laugh machine will LOVE it.

I bet at COLD CASE they’d be hysterical.

Fine. I wasn’t meant to be appreciated in my time.

I don’t feel the love, you assholes.

You try being funny when you’re having a stroke.

See it typed. You’ll think differently.

Okay, what if they said it in a funny accent?

I’m sorry. Are there no more seats at the Algonquin Round Table?

So you’re saying perfection isn’t good enough?

Hey, you hired me!

(In Forghorn Leghorn voice) I say, I say, I keep pitchin’ ‘em, boy, and you keep missin’ ‘em.

Jesus, people, doesn’t ANYTHING make you laugh?

You all remember. I used to be funny, right?

And of course, the ultimate saver and perennial crowd pleaser – Go fuck yourself.

Blogging during the strike

The WGA contract negotiations/strike/ramifications/scuttlebutt will be featured here as events dictate but I also plan to continue posting my usual variety of nonsense, snarky rants, and self indulgent anecdotes. I feel I have that obligation to you, my dear audience.

Thank you.

Negative buzz on the BEE MOVIE

Okay. I get it! The fucking BEE MOVIE is opening. I can’t remember a movie more heavily promoted and as a result a movie I want to see less.

I mean, I’m used to the typical media barrage before a studio picture opens. The self-serving star interviews. Hard hitting entertainment reporter Sam Rubin fawning all over Jodie Foster trying to sell her cry vengeance movie as social commentary or Milla Jovovich describing how RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION is really just a thoughtful film about women’s empowerment.

I’m used to studio hype machines using ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT and HOLLYWOOD ACCESS as the tools they are. When ET leads off during the recent LA wildfires that displaced a half a million people with this headline: STARS HOMES THREATENED!!! you know you’re watching the show biz equivalent of the Mustang Ranch.

The obligatory “making of” documentary is a staple of a film’s rollout but unless you have HBO and your remote doesn’t work you never have to see them.

And tie-ins with fast food chains are now commonplace. SAW IV action figures at Del Taco, that sort of cross-promotion.

But nothing prepared me for the onslaught of hype for BEE MOVIE. Talk about using napalm to kill a moth. STOP ALREADY!! I KNOW it’s opening this Friday! I KNOW Jerry Seinfeld is in it! I KNOW it’s a hilarious comedy the entire family will enjoy. Please let me pick up a magazine and not see Jerry’s smug face. If the condition of his guesting on 30 ROCK is two shameless plugs then don’t do me any favors. I’d rather see Tina Fey filling the screen time anyway.

Even Jerry’s HP commercial was laced with BEE MOVIE mentions. Would he do a Flomax spot too if they let him slip in a plug? “If it weren’t for Flomax you’d be pissing in your pants when you see BEE MOVIE!”

And the irony of all this is that Jerry takes the stance (in every article in every publication including, I imagine, MODERN BRIDE and MERCENARY LIFE) that he doesn’t have to work. And yet he’s promoting this movie so relentlessly you’d think he’ll be forced to clean Faye Dunaway’s toilets if it doesn’t open.

BEE MOVIE might be terrific. But at some point there’s a backlash from over-promotion. In this case that came on Labor Day.

My biggest fear isn’t that the movie doesn’t live up to all the hype (how could it?), it’s that it does do well and there’s a BEE MOVIE 2. I might have to leave the country.