Thursday, December 6, 2007

Black & blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Rocky Balboa after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.” Not that the interviewers are any better. One day Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest will look as one.

Lip enhancements are big these days. Here’s Meg Ryan (compliments of Radaronline.com) from 2001. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Bullock…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Compliments of Awfulplasticsurgery.com, here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Jack Lord, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is BOSTON LEGAL’S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

St. Nick Counter

Twas the night before Christmas…

Nick Counter (pictured: right) settles in a nice night’s sleep after six months of telling writers there’s no money or future in the internet. Suddenly, he hears a voice. He opens his eyes and sees the image of Harry Cohn. Harry explains that he’s now paying for a lifetime of greed and treating writers worse than his pets. He’s forced to walk the earth for eternity in chains and watch every Rob Schneider movie that plays anywhere in the world. This could be Nick’s fate if he doesn’t share future delivery systems.

Cohn also tells him he’ll be visited by three spirits – the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. And he can’t postpone seeing them until after he’s had a chance to caucus with studio presidents and Gavin Pallone. Harry must leave. Some stoners in Peoria are about to watch DUECE BIGELOW II.

Nick tries to go back to sleep. But the first ghost arrives. They revisit Nick’s childhood. Back to the time in the third grade when a kid talked him out of his lunch money and he vowed to take it out on writers for the rest of his life.

Then the ghost of Christmas present swings by and takes him to the home of poor Bobby Cratchit, living modestly in an apartment in Pacoima with his family of six. They’re eating a Christmas dinner of Turkey Helper but they’re happy. Bobby is hopeful that the one episode of LOST he wrote will bring in enough money through streaming and downloads to pay for his son Timmy’s private education. Tim is tiny it seems and the gangs at the public school beat the shit out of him repeatedly.

Finally, the ghost of Christmas Future makes its appearance. He shows Nick his own funeral, which is picketed.

Nick wakes up in a cold sweat. He realizes it’s not too late. He can still repent. With love and charity in his heart, Nick calls the WGA negotiating committee and says, “Okay, I’ll give you an extra eighteen cents for each internet airing after the first six weeks but that includes all foreign royalties and precludes any contributions to the health and welfare fund.”

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

God Bless us every one."

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Your mid-week strike report

I understand on Monday at Sony hot girls were giving out free samples of tequila in little bottles shaped like, well…butt plugs. Judging by the shape of the bottles everyone assumed it was a gift from one of the major agencies. But apparently it was not. Thanks to Barry Wernick for the photo. Taken moments before he finished the bottle.

So on Tuesday I switched over from 20th to Sony. Alas no tequila. But more shade! There's a different vibe at Sony. At 20th it's primarily a large group marching out front in a circle. At Sony there are little pockets of picketers at each of the entrances. And the groups have settled in and have become little families. Years from now the members will hear horn honks and get nostalgic.

Wednesday I'm hitting CBS Radford. I wonder if Gary Sinese is still making homemade cookies.

Members of the negotiating committee have been going to the various picketing sites updating us on the situation and answering questions. John Bowman filled us in at 20th on Monday. It’s pretty clear the AMPTP is made up of Bond villains, Gordon Gecko, J. R. Ewing, Mr. Spacely of the JETSONS, and Henry F. Potter from IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

Looking for that perfect Christmas or Hanukah gift? How about a WGA strike T-shirt or plastic bracelet? She’ll LOVE you for it! He’ll be blown away. Get your Writers Strike Swag here.

You can tell the screenwriters from the TV writers on the picket line. TV writers all know each other, say hello, march in little groups. Screenwriters are used to being alone. You see them walking by themselves, scanning the line, desperately looking for someone they recognize… who hasn’t rewritten them.

Wednesday writers are invited to attend a Teamster Rally Against Cross Border Trucking at the Otay Mesa border crossing in San Diego. If you think Teamsters are fierce looking, you should see the staff from UGLY BETTY (pictured: left).

It’s also Diversity Picketing Day at Paramount on Melrose. You don’t have to be diverse to attend but if you could, that would be nice.

Why won’t the AMPTP accept a deal where we would share internet earnings, even small earnings, based on a percentage formula? Because that would mean they’d have to open their books. We might learn that the SIMPSONS has not been a huge loss leader all these years.

I didn't know this: If the wood post sticks out above the sign on a placard it is considered a legal weapon.

I’d say boycott the Carson Daly show but really, who the hell watches it anyway?

80% of what you hear about the strike in the media and blogs is incorrect, although I’m not sure that’s the right number.

Fox is counting on AMERICAN IDOL to get huge ratings again in January. But with Jordin Sparks being the first American Idol to have her debut album tank maybe this will be the year AI starts to show its age. And Paula can follow Kellie Pickler on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Nick Counter, the lead negotiator for the AMPTP, is doing his best to not only screw us but also his own daughter and son-in-law. They’re both members of the WGA.

Monday, December 3, 2007

The story of POV

Thanks for your interest in POV. It's a story I've told before but always love telling again.

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote 19 episodes of MASH. I’m often asked which is my favorite and the answer is easy. POINT OF VIEW. It was from the 7th season when we were the show’s head writers.

The episode was our idea. We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.

We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Metcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)

First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable wacky medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?

We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.

It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –

“Thank…you”.

Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!

We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR?

So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.

The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.

Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.

When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?

The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.

Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I canceled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.

I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –

“Thank you”.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

POV (MASH) -- script and scene

I thought this would be fun. This is the first scene from our MASH episode "Point of View" followed by a YouTube video of the scene so you can compare it with the script.

Next post: the story behind POV.

*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)

FADE IN

UNDER TITLES WE SEE:

EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY

PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.

SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.

PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.

FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.

RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.

Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.

SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!

An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.

SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?

The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.

SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!

Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.

SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.

An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.

SOLDIER
Where you been?

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?

SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.

Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.

Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.

Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!

Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.

Let's give 'em something to talk about

I’ll be filling in again Sunday night on KABC Talkradio 790 at 9 pm to co-host their sportstalk show. At least I’ll have stuff to talk about. Pro and college football and basketball, the bullshit BCS rankings, the baseball winter meetings, hockey (well… maybe not hockey.) But it’s sure different from my hosting the KMPC Sports Final in 1981.

KMPC here in LA was a talk station then. They came up with the idea of doing a two-hour nightly sports news and highlight show (a la ESPN Sportscenter). I was asked to be the sole host. Since the writers happened to be out on strike then too I eagerly accepted. It’s not easy to support a family on JOE & SONS residuals.

Unfortunately, two days into the job the Players Union went on strike shutting down Major League Baseball. It was early summer. Other than baseball at that time of year there was NOTHING. I had two full hours of NOTHING. Couldn’t take phone calls. Couldn’t do interviews. I would have killed for hockey news.

I had to resort to reporting minor league baseball results. The Salt Lake City Gulls were the Angels’ Triple-A farm team and since we were the Angels’ flagship station, we became your official Salt Lake City Gulls station (not that any other stations were competing for that title). I was doing pitching-matchups between Salt Lake City and Tacoma on a 50,000 watt major Los Angeles radio station. And repeating it seventeen times!

I was also giving Australian Rules Football results, summer pro-league pick up basketball game results, green conditions on local golf courses, and paddle tennis tournament updates from the Jonathon Club. The Dallas Cowboys began training camp in nearby Thousand Oaks. I reported on wind sprint drills.

After a couple of months of this the baseball strike was settled, and the NFL began its preseason. Finally I had something to talk about!

Then the station decided to promptly drop the format and let me go.

But if I get hung up tonight I know that Australian Rules Football player Adam Ramanauskas is slated to be the guest coach at a talent camp in South Africa. I can do twenty minutes on that EASY.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Kellie Pickler -- Registered Voter

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY just announced their "50 smartest people in Hollywood". Just missing out, coming in at #51 was Kellie Pickler.