Saturday, March 8, 2008

Suspending belief is one thing, but...

In the wild discussion in last Thursday’s post about NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and its questionable logic a couple of people made reference to the recent bloated version of KING KONG. Someone pointed out how ridiculous it was that Naomi Watts is just wearing a sheer white gown when it’s snowing and freezing. I could sort of buy that because I knew Kong would grab her and she’d be wrapped in the world’s biggest fur.

Other things we could debate – would a giant insect do that? Did the movie really need to be five hours long? Were the survivors from LOST on the other side of the island? Etc.

But there’s one flaw in logic I just can’t get beyond.

These people go to a remote tropical island and discover its inhabited by dinosaurs and a giant gorilla. And the explorers decide, “Let’s take the gorilla! We could put him on Broadway, charge admission.” Excuse me, but you’ve got DINOSAURS there!! Creatures no one in a gazillion years have seen. Why not bring THE DINASAURS HOME??!! Don’t you think THEY would be a slightly better attraction than a large gorilla?

It reminds me of the old joke about how CBS developed the 1986 sitcom, MY SISTER SAM. A group of program executives were watching an episode of MORK & MINDY starring Robin Williams and Pam Dawber and one cried out, “Quick! Get us the girl!”

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Spring Movie Preview Part II

Here are more Spring movies for your seeing or skipping pleasure.

NIM’S ISLAND – Jodie Foster in a physical comedy so she’ll probably go on a big publicity tour to warn the public of the dangers of losing your balance.

THE RUINS – A beast in the jungles of Mexico whose diet consists of nuts, berries, and American tourists.

SMART PEOPLE – Dennis Quaid gets hit on the head and starts sleeping with Sarah Jessica Parker, which explains it.

PROM NIGHT – A psycho killer spoils a senior prom when he brutally murders the beautiful attendees. I suspect the nerds of the world will be rooting for the killer.

SUPERHERO MOVIE – Spoof of superhero movies, directed by fellow blogger Craig Mazin. Could open directing doors for me and Perez Hilton.

21 – Kevin Spacey in Vegas caper. When big showrooms won’t hire him to do his cheesy Bobby Darin act he seeks revenge by swindling the hotels.

SHINE A LIGHT – Rolling Stones concert filmed by Martin Scorsese. Robert DeNiro as Mick Jagger.

STREET KINGS – Keanu Reeves. What more do you need to know?

HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY – Is it Oscar season already?

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL – Guy goes to the tropics to get over his ex and bumps into her and her new beau. For the non-raunch version of this same story see “Adventures in Paradise” FRASIER, season two (written by me and my partner).

BABY MAMA – Tina Fey looking for a surrogate mother. I love Tina Fey. I’d have her baby.

THE TOURIST – New York City sex clubs and Hugh Jackman – something for everyone.

THE BANK JOB – or DOG DAY ELEVEN.

PARANOID PARK – Gus Van Sant movie. A skateboarder accidentally kills a security guard. What part of “Get out of the way!” did the victim not understand?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Spring Movie Preview Part I

Hello from Florida where my son and I are checking out Spring Training. So no AMERICAN IDOL recap this week. But in its place, here is my annual Spring Movie Preview – what you’ll be Netflixing this Fall.

SEMI-PRO – Number nine in the Will Ferrell “Beating a Good Idea to Death” series of films spoofing professional sports. This time he’s an ABA basketball player. Up next: the competitive world of pillow fighting.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL – Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson put on period clothes to prove they’re serious actresses and play the legendary Boleyn sisters, Serena & Venus.

10,000 BC – English speaking guy encounters an Egyptian civilization back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. The Flintstones sounds more factual.

MARRIED LIFE – Set in 1949 when divorce was not in style but killing your wife was.

MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY – Amy Adams drags Frances McDormand around London for a day. Adapted from the 1938 novel “I SAY, ARE THOSE NAZI PLANES FLYING ABOUT?”

FUNNY GAMES – Naomi Watts and Tim Roth are a married couple terrorized by two psychopaths. HOSTEL meets WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?

DR. SEUSS’ HORTON HEARS A WHO! – Jim Carrey so bring on the Green Eggs because they already have the Ham.

TYLER PERRY’S MEET THE BROWNS – Who cares what it’s about? It will gross $200,000,000 and no one you know will have seen it.

DRILLBIT TAYLOR – Owen Wilson in a comedy so delightful you’ll forget he tried to kill himself. Produced by Judd Apatow so expect penis jokes…but funny penis jokes.

THE GRAND – Woody Harrelson in a poker comedy. Co-stars funnyman Werner Herzog. This I gotta see.

CHAPTER 27 – The killing of John Lennon. Very similar to the movie THE KILLING OF JOHN LENNON. This one stars Lindsey Lohan, hopefully not as Yoko Ono.

STOP-LOSS – Iraq War drama starring Ryan Phillippe, taking advantage of the Iraq-themed film craze that has revitalized the industry.

MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS – Starring singer Norah Jones. Don’t Know Why.

LEATHERHEADS – Romantic comedy set in the now-cliched world of 1920’s football. George Clooney stars and directs so maybe he can give a fresh spin to this tired arena.

Part II tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Why I thank God I never worked with Cybill Shepherd









If the ST. ELSEWHERE/CHEERS scene is one of the more famous crossovers in television history then the ALMOST PERFECT/CYBILL crossover has to be one of the least. But since a reader asked about it and I was there firsthand, I’m going to discuss it anyway.

Quick refresher for the .000006% who never heard of ALMOST PERFECT or don’t remember it – it was a sitcom I co-created/produced/
wrote/directed on CBS for two seasons in the mid 90s. Comedy goddess Nancy Travis played a single woman juggling her personal and professional life. On the day she gets the job of her life (head writer for a testosterone heavy cop show) she meets the man of her life and both are full-time jobs. I know I sound like Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence but ALMOST PERFECT really was a damn good show.

CYBIL featured Cybill Shepherd as an over-the-hill actress. It was on CBS for about four years and was a modest hit. Second banana Christine Baranski deservedly won an Emmy for her role. Needless to say Ms. Shepherd was not pleased. But that’s another Hollywood bad-behavior story for a later day.

CBS thought it would be a hoot to do a crossover teaser to promote both series. Usually when that happens it’s two shows from the same production team. Such was not the case here. We were Paramount and since CYBILL starred an actress who was a nightmare it of course was produced by Carsey-Werner (right alongside ROSEANNE and GRACE UNDER FIRE).

So a number of issues had to be settled. What exactly was the scene? Which staff was going to write it? Would it be filmed on our stage or theirs? Would it air on our show or theirs?

Nancy, as always, was agreeable to anything. Ms. Shepherd insisted her team write it, it be filmed on her set, and aired on her show. Otherwise she would refuse to do it. Always the team player. We went along with it, just relieved that she didn’t also insist on singing.

Fortunately, I was (and still am) good friends with the CYBILL showrunner, Howard Gould. Together we conceived the idea. Cybill’s actress character would be coming to Nancy’s producer character to audition for her show. Yes, it made sense then that the scene be shot on our soundstage since that’s where Nancy’s office was Ms. Shepherd could give a rat’s ass about that so we shot it at her place.

I was happy to let Howard write the scene. He’s terrific. I wish he could have written whole episodes of our show. When finished, our team polished Nancy’s dialogue a little and sent it back. Ms. Shepherd read it and insisted on more jokes…for herself. After two or three drafts everyone (meaning her) was happy.

Next question: When to film this? They were on a different shooting schedule than we were. Guess who had to change their whole weekly routine to accommodate whom.

The actual filming took forever because Ms. Shepherd had to be backlit in every shot. Nancy was not to be backlit at all. And I can’t say for certain because I wasn’t there, but I think Ms. Shepherd required cue cards.

All of this over a four minute scene that ran once.

One final thought:

Howard Gould has since written a hilarious play about a Cybill Shepherd-type character called DIVA. If it’s ever staged in your neighborhood see it. If you want to read it (and trust me, it’s brilliant) it’s available through Samuel French.

Meanwhile, I'm off to Florida for Spring Training. Talk to you tomorrow from Ft. Myers.

Monday, March 3, 2008

St. Elsewhere goes to Cheers: the inside story










In maybe the strangest cross-promotion in television history, there was an episode of ST. ELSEWHERE where three of their main characters went to the Cheers bar. Readers are always asking me about this scene so I thought I'd go to the source. John Masius is a multi-Emmy winning writer who co-wrote and produced the episode. He graciously has agreed to fill in the details. Many thanks, John.

how st.elsewhere came to cheers: a revisionist history

tom fontana, john tinker and i wrote the episode..bruce paltrow directed it..
the episode had three story arcs..westphal dealing with his autistic son,
craig coping with his mentor's alzheimer disease and auschlander coming to
grips with his own mortality..we thought it would be fun to write a scene
where the three friends met for a drink after work..something we had never
done...and obliquely share their concerns and fears...so we thought why not the cheers bar? tartkoff loved the idea, paltow called his old friend burrows
and they hashed the production constraints...one day to shoot during a cheers hiatus week...perleman and ratzenberger graciously signed on..
i wanted the coach behind the bar but he was dead...so creatively we decided to go for it and wrote essentially a one-act play that was the entire third act of the episode..due to the constraints of the three-camera set
we shot pretty much in one direction..blew through 15 pages,twice our normal load in one day...i remember it being a great fun day..the show turned out well...it was picked to be aired at our 20th anniversary event
held at the paley museum of t.v. and beer-drinking...the only negative feedback was from the charles bros who didn't like the dialogue we wrote
for carla and cliff...however their bastard step-brother ed charles, utility
infielder extroidinaire for the '69 mets, was a big fan of the episode..
john masius

Sunday, March 2, 2008

The Moment of Truth

Only days away from another edition of the big new Fox hit, MOMENT OF TRUTH. Let’s see whose lives they ruin this week. For the sake of prize money, contestants subject themselves to a lie detector test and must correctly answer terribly personal humiliating questions.

Last Monday night some blonde bimbo married to a guy who looks like Fogell from SUPERBAD admitted that she’s cheated on her husband (they’ve been married all of two years) and she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend and would rather be married to him. Oh, and the punchline: she then lost all her money answering a question untruthfully. The question: Do you still think you’re a good person? Her answer: Yes.

HORN BLAST! NO! YOU LOSE!

So as a public service of this blog (and you know I’m all about public service) here is a test. If you’re thinking of becoming a contestant for MOMENT OF TRUTH you must be able to answer all of these correctly. (spoiler alert: the correct answer to all of them is True.) Good luck.

TRUE OR FALSE?

I will do anything for money.

I consider myself a whore.


I will destroy my marriage for cab fare.


I will sell my children for whiskey.


I believe the world was formed 200 years ago.


I have sex with animals…usually at their request.


I believe everything our government says.

I go to Oriental massage parlors for massages.


My favorite author is Teri Hatcher.


My recreational drug of choice is steroids.

I have a child who’s also a sibling. Maybe two.


I voted for Sanjaya…for president.

I have an ear wax fetish.


I am too stupid to live.


If you get 100% it’s (a) the first time that’s ever happened for you, and (b) time to contact the producers and make your fortune… that you’ll probably trade away for a bag of magic beans.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Girl Scout Cookies

My daughter Annie provides today's post from Evanston, Illinois.

So I was walking down the street today…well more like sliding down the street...when I came across a stand for Girl Scout Cookies. Naturally I was delighted—I wait all year for this. So I go up to the stand prepared to buy some “Thin Mints” when I see this: Girl Scout Cookie 100 calorie packs.

I was horrified. Girl Scouts shouldn’t know what calories are much less be counting them. Now I must admit that I do purchase 100 calorie packs. I enjoy cookies that are shrunk down to the size of scrabble tiles. But I’m not seven years old.

If parents are worried about portion control then they should serve smaller portions not teach little girls about caloric intake.

And here’s the worst part. On the back of each of the cookie packs it says this:

“
Girls can burn calories and have fun with 30 minutes of activities like these: Ice Skating—126 calories. Gymnastics—72 calories…”

WHAT?!

Why don’t they just start giving out merit badges for weight loss? Or maybe their uniforms could only go up to size “medium” ...y'know, for incentive. Why can’t they just call them “fun packs” like the good old days? When these little girls start thinking they’re fat and asking how many calories are in their graham crackers and juice box, don’t say I didn’t warn you.