The ALMOST PERFECT pilot

You've heard me talk about it for two and a half years. Now, finally, through the wonder of YouTube, here is the pilot of ALMOST PERFECT (created by Robin Schiff, David Isaacs, and me). Later in the week I'll fill in some background but now, for the first time in years, here's the pilot that led to two seasons of ALMOST PERFECT.

Some things to look for:

Do you understand who the characters are and what their relationships are to each other?

By the end of the show, do you know what the main characters want?

Can you follow the story?

Based on this pilot, do you get the sense of what the series will be about?







Tomorrow: AMERICAN IDOL recap

Finally, Some New Coldplay

I don't care what the cool kids or Jon Pareles have to say. I love me some Coldplay. And while the new single "Violet Hill" is still growing on me, I am officially excited about their forthcoming album.

I came late to the Coldplay party after my friend Mark loaned me "A Rush of Blood to the Head" years ago. I know a big band is a big target, and these guys are huge. But I've never understood why certain people loathe them — especially when there are so many truly awful bands making money. Even when Coldplay's songs don't click, I appreciate their ambition and desire to do something interesting. Calling them "Radiohead-lite for soccer moms" is harsh — but so what if they're accessible? (And why do people assume that a band sucks if they have fans who happen to be parents? We can't all listen to Celine Dion.) Besides, Jay-Z, Timbaland and Kanye can't all be wrong.

OK, I have to admit that this parody remains funny as hell.

Open letter to anyone producing a sitcom pilot

For those of you lucky (or unlucky) enough to have your pilot ordered you are now in the toughest part of the process – casting. These are the most crucial decisions you will ever have to make on your project. Everything else can be fixed. Scripts can be rewritten, scenes re-shot, set dressing changed. Even your premise can be altered. But if your actors suck you are dead.

The only thing worse is that the actors suck, you get picked up anyway, and then you are dead and sent to a hell reserved for Hannibal Lector and the guy who created WINDOWS 98.

So may I make one suggestion? It sounds incredibly obvious but you’d be surprised.

HIRE FUNNY PEOPLE.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Sorry you waiters at the Cheesecake Factory but there are not that many really funny people out there.

And there is the growing ham fisted network interference that attempts to take the casting decisions right out of your hands and give away your prize parts to old retreads or J. Crew models. More important than comic chops to these networks are good teeth and breasts that test well.

But that’s not what YOU should be looking for. You want people who are funny. And beware. There are enough good actors in Hollywood who are skillful enough to know where the jokes are and how to get them. You can be fooled. So don’t just go by the reading.

Go by the look, the attitude, their body language, their voice. They are intangible qualities but you can spot them right away. Just look at the cast photos of MY NAME IS EARL and THE OFFICE. Then compare them with say the Americanized version of COUPLING.
Good rule of thumb: if someone walks into your office and you immediately want to write a new half page of dialogue for him or her, that’s who you hire.

And as for the network battles? Sometimes they’ll be won over too. Laughter is a great selling point. And then there will be those times you’ll hear, “Yeah, he’s funny but…” Just remember – there ARE NO BUTS. You can be diplomatic, praise them for their choice of actors but suggest they might be even more wonderful in that exciting new procedural pilot they have where a special team solves crimes by looking at cremation remains. But at the end of the day you want the funny choice, even if he’s not known. Sometimes it’s BETTER that he’s not known.

Producing a pilot is like one man facing an army. There are constant battles and it’s always hard to know which ones to fight. But this is the big one. Fight to the death for funny.

Just imagine SEINFELD with William Devane as Kramer and Kim Ravers as Elaine.

Best of luck with your project. I'm not going to hope it's good. I'm going to hope it's close to your vision.

TOMORROW: a pilot surprise!!!

Reality shows I'd like to see

Now that we’re in May, networks start carting out their reality shows for the summer. People locked in a room, AMERICAN IDOL with inventions, etc. So as a public service, here are a few of my suggestions for reality shows:

DONNER PARTY SURVIVOR: every week the losing tribe votes someone off the island then eats them.

THE BOSS – interning for George Steinbrenner thus combining the Apprentice with Fear Factor.

CELEBRITY POSSE SWAP – Bette Midler’s fag hag entourage switches with Alan Iverson’s.

TIGHTROPING WITH THE STARS – Just because.

JOE WELFARE – Women with bad judgment compete for Mr. Wrong.

THE UNBELIEVEABLE RACE where people from Iowa have to take the subway from Woodlawn to Bay Ridge.

CELEBRITY MAKEOVER where every week Diana Ross gets something else done, and finally:

THE BACHELOR IN PRISON. Be careful where you put the rose.

TV's 50 best comedies...or so they say

Heading home from Chicago. It’s a great town and the next time I’ll have to stay for more than 18 hours.

AOL just announced their list of “TV’s 50 Best Comedies”. Nice that I’ve been associated with some of them but in general the rankings in this list is absurd. Granted, these things always are. And who knows who determined these rankings? Could be a couple of staffers recently reassigned from the NASCAR desk.

If you gave this list to 100 people I’m sure you’d get a 100 different rankings. So what are your thoughts? Here are some of mine.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW only number 33?

WILL & GRACE is higher than TAXI?

I LOVE LUCY only number 9? Say what??? And ROSEANNE number 8?

EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND is last? And LEAVE IT TO BEAVER is not even on the list? Yet GOOD TIMES is?

No mention of THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW. Or THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. Or BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. Or BEWITCHED. If animated shows count, where are THE FLINTSTONES? And I’m sure I missed a few others.

What do you all think?

Your Q's, my A's

I'm off to Chicago for the night. My daughter Annie is the head sketch writer for the big annual Nortwestern student produced revue (the Waa-Mu Show). All of Evanston is buzzing about it.

In the meantime...

Got an email from Jamie Frevele, a new friend I met after she wrote a piece on the HuffingtonPost ripping my AMERICAN IDOL recap from last week. In her email she asked some great questions that I thought would make a nifty post. If you have questions send ‘em in. Happy to answer whether I know what the hell I’m talking about or not.

Do sitcom writers ever look at writing episodes as if they're one-act plays, just with the same characters? And do any of them have theater backgrounds?

I can’t speak for all sitcom writers but for myself, depending on the show, I will think of a multi-camera show as a one-act play. FRASIER for example. To me that show was as good as anything on Broadway. And when I was writing it I would imagine the live performance night, not the edited version ultimately shown on TV.

CHEERS was a little different. I always thought of CHEERS as a radio play. Director James Burrows used to say you didn’t have to watch CHEERS to enjoy it. You could derive a lot just by listening to it.

Many television writers – comedy and drama – come from a theatre background. From Aaron Sorkin to Joe Keenan. There’s no greater training ground. Which is great because in most cases there’s also no money.

Who was your favorite character to write?

I loved Hawkeye but if I had to choose one I’d say Frasier Crane. Especially when he was angry. It was like writing an intellectual Daffy Duck.

What show do you wish you could still write for?

I always loved writing CHEERS. David and I wrote 40 episodes over the years and I never tired of writing it. The characters still could surprise me. I loved writing MASH but in my heart of hearts I knew that on my best, most inspired day, I could still never write the show as well as Larry Gelbart. Even today after many more years of experience under my belt.

Which show would you want to write for now (whether you feel it's amazing and you want a piece of it or because you think it's godawful and needs help)?

I would never want to write a show I didn’t like. If it’s too hard to even watch it, I sure don’t want to subject myself to writing it. There are series I WISH I had written for. TAXI, SEINFELD, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. But among current shows, at this point, I would want to stretch myself and try something new. Maybe one of the hour dramas. I don’t want to say which ones because I don’t want it to seem like I’m trolling for an assignment.

Same for directing, although I’d want it to be a show where I feel I personally could really make a contribution. Oh who am I kidding? I’d love to do THE L-WORD.

And what is your feeling on hour-long "dramas" that incorporate as much comedy as a sitcom (like Bones, Ugly Betty, Ally McBeal being one of the first)?

Fine if they’re genuinely funny. Some of the biggest laughs I’ve had this year have come from HOUSE. When patients aren’t coughing up their livers or bleeding from their eyes it’s really quite amusing.

A-Paula-ing

Wow! They didn’t even try.

I was so looking forward to the bullshit spin AMERICAN IDOL would concoct to explain away Paula’s idiocy from the night before and they didn’t even try. Ryan merely said the judges were thrown a curveball and that the online rumors weren’t true. Uh, what rumors would those be, Ryan?

I could just imagine the producers getting together earlier in the day trying to dream up a plausible explanation.

“We can say we threw them a curveball.”

“Yeah, yeah! A curveball. That’s good.”

“But wait a minute. Isn’t giving them a curveball only a problem when we ask them to do something more, something that they weren’t prepared for? Telling them to just sit there shouldn’t really throw them.”

“Even Randy seemed to get it.”

“Shut up! We’re going with curveball.”

“We did ask them to take notes. That’s new.”

“Didn't anyone check to see if Paula could read or write?”

“I did.”

“And…?”

“Her agent wasn’t sure but was going to get back to me.”

“What?! You gave that woman a pen without confirmation that she knew how to use it? My God! She could have eaten it, used it to clean her ears. Who knows?”

“You’re right. My bad.”

“Her death would have been on your hands!”

“Please, I feel bad enough suggesting Andrew Lloyd Webber week.”

“Look, she could take notes, we could give her notes, that still doesn’t explain how she could watch Jason sing one song and think it was two.”

“What about sleep deprivation?”

“Already used it.”

“Bad reaction to cold medicine.”

“Meaning what? She sneezed out her brains?”

“What if we say she was drunk… but with an explanation.”

“Which would be…?”

“Um….she was coming from her Passover seder and had to drink four glasses of wine.”

“Passover was over last Sunday.”

“She doesn’t own a calendar.”

“Or can’t read one.”

“Guys, let's face it. Any road we go down still leads to the same place. Cretinville.”

“Okay, how about this? We just insist it never happened.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? You’re not working in the White House anymore!”

"Right. Sorry."

“Well, I’m stumped.”

“Me too.”

“Same here.”

“Alright. Shit. We’ll just go vague. Say all the rumors about her aren’t true.”

“Come on. They’ll never buy that.”

“Sure they will. They buy it when we say we got 45,000,000 votes last night. And they buy it when we say Jason Castro got more votes than Carly Smithson. They even buy it when we say this is the most talented group we’ve ever had.”

“You’re right. Call Ryan.”

"We could make up ugly smear campaigns to discredit the other judges to take the heat off Paula."

"Again, this isn't the White House."

"You're right. You're right. Let's go with the vague rumors."

“Now, moving on to the next order of business. Who do we vote off this week? Syesha or Brooke?

“Call it in the air…”