I'm sorry, he's in a meeting... forever.

I’m sure agents long for the good old days. Those halcyon days before cellphones and email. Back when it was easy to duck calls from their writer clients and avoid them entirely. They had the drill down pat.

You, the writer/client would call. Step one: the assistant says he’s in a meeting and will call you back. Step two: He calls back at 1 PM, knowing you’re at lunch. Step three: You call back after lunch, and what do you know? He’s out of the office. But he’ll call you back. Step four: The assistant calls you back at 6 to say the agent has been in meetings all afternoon but will call you back first thing in the morning. Step five: He calls at 8:30 the next morning knowing you’re not in the office yet. A variation of Step four is he calls you back at 7:30 at night knowing you’ve left for the day. Repeat this process until the writer just gives up.

But now, with cellphones, there is no “out of the office”. He can reach you at lunch, at 7:30 at night, even 7:30 in the morning. And you can pepper him with email. Agents would give up their citizenship before they give up their Blackberrys. For us "schmucks with an Underwood" (or now an iMac) it’s a beautiful thing.

I must say, I’m one of the few writers who actually likes his agent. But he returned my calls b.c. (before cellphones).

How important you are in the business can be directly correlated to when (if ever) your agent gets back to you. If you call him and he actually gets on the phone, you just won an Emmy last week. If he calls you back within the hour, your movie just opened big or you have three series on the air. A lunch callback signals that you’re still marketable. Same with an early afternoon callback. But if the fortunes haven’t been smiling lately, if he’s not fielding offers for you, expect the 7 PM call. Always from his car on his way home. Priority level right behind making an appointment to have his golf shoes polished.

Those are great conversations because you can’t hear him on the speaker phone, if he needs to refer to something he left it at the office, and if he’s going over a canyon you get cut off. And they ALL seem to have homes in the canyon. Hey, wait a minute. That could just be Step Six.

When you meet with your agent is also an indication of your place on the Hollywood Food Chain. Dinner -- you’re the flavor of the month. Lunch – it’s okay to be seen with you. Breakfast – charity.

And of course none of this applies when the agent is trying to recruit you. Then he’s calling you six times a day – asking how your weekend was, wondering if you wanted Dodger tickets, telling you you should be having Paul Haggis’ career.

But now with email you can tell him every Monday how your weekend was, whether he asks or not. And when you read in Variety that Haggis signs a multi-million dollar deal to write the next James Bond movie you can find out why you didn’t get that assignment. Make sure your cellphone is on at 7:00, or in this case, more like 9:00.

And while you’ve got him, the Dodgers are in the playoffs. Box seats for Sunday would be nice.

Kat Dennings

Does it count as discovering someone if you cast her in a failed pilot before her career took off? If so, than my partner and I discovered Kat Dennings.

Kat currently stars in the teen comedy NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST that opened this weekend. It has to do better than the pilot of SNOBS. That was an ill-fated pilot we did for Fox in 2003.

The premise was a family of snobs… but they had no money. They lived way above their means in a crappy tract house in San Mateo. Kat was the daughter. Ironically, the actor we tried to get to play her brother was Michael Cera (this was pre ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) who is now her love interest in NICK & NORAH’S.

Finding a teenage girl who could play attitude and intensity but was real and funny was an almost impossible challenge. Most actresses are not that skilled at that age. Not to say that they won’t grow and blossom but in most cases you could “see them acting”. They didn’t just assume the character. Not Kat. She walked in, read the part, and from the first moment we knew – “That’s the girl!” She was hilarious, she was totally believable in a part that was a real stretch, and she was special.

In a fairly unheard of move, we brought no second choice to the network for approval. Usually they insist. And if you don’t bring them options they generally don’t approve the actor just for spite. But not this time. Everyone in the room instantly saw what we saw and she was enthusiastically approved.

I saw her in 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN and thought she stole the movie. You’re probably saying, “Really? She was in that?” Yes, she was Catherine Keener’s daughter and now that you know don’t you agree her performance was incredibly memorable?

I hope to work with Kat again someday. Maybe on another pilot, although the difference will be this time it’ll be her project and I have to get approved by the network.

Best of luck to NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST.

Off limits comedy

Note: this post is an excuse to get in another pic of the "great one".Today’s Friday question comes from Hauke B.:

What kind of comedy, in terms of subject matter, tone or form, would you consider off-limits. Or does anything go, as long as it's funny?

First off, it depends on the audience. Andrew Dice Clay’s routine might not fly at a NOW convention. But at a men’s prison or any other sodomy supporting organization that same material is gangbusters.

My rule is: Any joke that intentionally hurts someone, that is a gratuitous and cruel is off limits. Exploiting someone’s misery for the sake of a laugh is not acceptable. I don’t care how funny the joke is – to YOU.

And when someone tells you something in confidence and you use it to get a laugh, that’s a no-no. Excuse me but isn’t that just common sense?

In general, here’s my feeling: If you have a joke and you’re not sure if you've crossed the line or not, you have. Come up with something else.

Comedy can be edgy, biting, scathing, profane, even shocking but come on, folks, have a little humanity.

Here’s a helpful quiz. Which of these topics should be considered off limits?

A) 9-11
B) Sarah Palin
C) Paul Newman
D) Flava Flave
E) Hurricane Ike
F) Celebrity Rehab
G) Suicide bombers
H) Elisabeth Hasselbeck
I) Criticizing this blog
J) Tsunamis
K) Gang Rape

If you said A, C, E, G, I, J, K you have some judgment and you’re not Sandra Bernard.

A Boy's Gotta Dance

Like most 8-year-old boys, my son likes three things in his movies: action heroes, robots, and stuff blowing up. He is contemptuous of his sister's "Hello Kitty" and "Barbie" DVDs. If I let him, he would watch every PG-13 superhero film released in the last five years, back-to-back. Then, he would put on a cape and start jumping off of furniture.

Nevertheless, he likes the "High School Musical" franchise. No, scratch that. He loves it — not that there's anything wrong with that. But given his usual entertainment preferences, I find it interesting that he responds so enthusiastically to this jazz-handing Disney juggernaut. Does he want tickets to see "High School Musical 3?" Yes, he does.

There's a scene halfway through "High School Musical 2," in which an angry Zac Efron stomps across a golf course, singing, dancing and emoting like there's no tomorrow. You know he means business, because he's dressed in black and hurls a golf club. My friend J., a longtime lover of musicals, said it was way Jerome Robbins — in other words, "a very gay performance."

The last time "HSM2" was on, I watched my kid get up and recreate that "Bet On It" routine almost move for move, word for word. I am not exaggerating. If he had been auditioning for a production at his school ("Elementary School Musical?") he would have killed. Bring it, Efron!

What a little Renaissance man. Now, if only I could skip "HSM3."

Don't have sex!!!

More from my book of growing up in the 60s.

1965 -- Tenth Grade

Among my classes that first semester was Health. Aunt Bea from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW taught us the correct way to brush our teeth, clean our ears, and treat vaginal discharge. Under the guise of sex education we were shown a steady parade of “informational films” designed to scare the shit out of us. They were always these little black-and-white dramas. Bobby and Linda disobeying their wise parents and being “promiscuous”. Part one, Linda got pregnant. Part two, they both got gonorrhea. Part three Linda became a whore. The girls in class seemed somewhat shaken by all this. The boys just wanted to see Linda naked.

There were also cautionary drug docudramas on marijuana and drug use. These always featured Jimmy. (Bobby was in an insane asylum by then with syphilis.) Jimmy was a good kid but weak willed. He bumps into an old friend (who looks like Satan) and is invited to a party. He disobeys his wise parents and goes, even though it’s a school night. Everyone is smoking marijuana and listening to that jungle music. At the risk of being called a “square” Jimmy takes a puff. Part two is a week later. Jimmy is now a drug addict, shooting up, stealing to maintain his habit, hanging out with girls who wear slacks. Part three, he’s arrested, and must go through withdrawal. We see him in agony, thrashing around in his cell, screaming for what we’re told will be 48 straight hours.

I must confess, at the time, the drug films did sell me somewhat. Not that I assumed one toke would turn Jimmy into Reverend Jim but it did give me pause. And this was still the period where a clear line existed between good kids (like me and my friends) and bad kids (drug users/shop majors). Less than a year later that distinction would be completely blurred but in 1965 my drugs of choice were unattainable girls.

Holy Coincidence, Batman!

A few months ago, I opined that someone should develop a "Smallville"-like show about the early years of the first Robin, Dick Grayson. Well whaddaya know? According to this article, The CW is developing a series about Grayson, focusing on his pre-Robin years as a young circus acrobat. How cool is that? Now, if only I could get some kind of pitch/consultant fee.

Chris Rock Is Funny. His HBO Special, Not So Much

I almost feel sorry for artists who gain a reputation for being edgy and genre-defining. The expectations are too high (See: Chappelle, Dave), and eventually, you're going to be accused of having lost the magic you had when you were younger and less famous. Which brings me to Chris Rock.

I've been a fan of Rock's for a long time, and I still enjoy hearing him riff on current events with Bill Maher and David Letterman. For years, MTV has been trying (and failing) to re-create the watercooler buzz generated by Rock's 2003 Music Video Awards hosting gig. Rock killed that night, deflating celebrity egos right and left with lines like, "Lower your IQs and lower your expectations! It's Kid Rock!" His last two comedy specials on HBO were ruthless, controversial and very, very funny. Who didn't wince a little when he said people could be either bored (married) or lonely (single)?

So I expected more of the same from his latest stand-up HBO special, "Kill the Messenger." While it wasn't exactly terrible (See: Cook, Dane), many of the jokes were dated and tired — two things I don't associate with Chris Rock. While he did make some funny observations about the presidential election, the race/relationship jokes were straight out of a 1992 "Def Comedy Jam" set. To sum it up:

• Black women sure are a pain in the ass!
• Black men like white women — especially big ones!
• That makes black women even angrier!
• If you're white, be really, really careful about using the N-word!

It isn't just me. My friend E. said that a few of her friends went to see Rock at Madison Square Garden, and the collective verdict was, "Meh." My friend V., who saw the special before I did, pronounced the whole thing "irritating."

The thing is, Rock is still quite capable of bringing the funny. He just didn't do it in this special. Consider some of the zingers from his recent "Larry King" appearance:

•"Jason Lee has done more interviews promoting 'My Name Is Earl' than [Sarah Palin] had to run for vice president of the United States."
• "[Sarah Palin is] kind of like Kim Kardashian on 'Dancing With the Stars.' All that ass and you can't shake it!"
• "Bin Laden did more movies last year than Sam Jackson. I think he's in 'Lakeview Terrace.' "

Heck, just watch it here. His "Letterman" spot, following Bill Clinton, is here.