A Nice Photo I Took

For about an hour yesterday, I was so angry with my son, who was being as difficult and argumentative as he has ever been. It was one of those days when I wondered why someone like me, a control freak who who always wants to seem "appropriate," wound up with a kid who smells fear and kicks it around like a soccer ball. And then I took a look at this picture of him with a friend, which reminded me of how sweet and downright charming he can be. It's a package deal. I guess a picture really is worth ... don't make me say it.

My tips for saving the entertainment industry

The entertainment industry has acknowledged that there is a recession. And these are the people who have such a positive spin on everything they’ll tell you they’re satisfied with the results of AUSTRALIA. But the fallout from dwindling DVD sales, the downturn in local TV ad revenue, and fewer German dentists willing to finance projects have put the squeeze on Hollywood’s big studios. And last year they took a multi-billion dollar hit on the WGA strike, but that was their choice.

Studios say they are tightening operating budgets. Restricting travel, expense accounts, using temporary help, taking town cars instead of limos, that sort of hardship. Sony, in a sign of utter desperation, cancelled executive meetings in Latin America in December and Europe in June. And Warner Brothers discontinued giving holiday turkeys to key executives, major stars, and agents. Jesus, it’s like a scene out of Oliver Twist.

So, as a public service to my beloved industry, here are some suggestions to help you out in these dire times.

Green light fewer $200 million blockbusters and instead make more romantic comedies and smaller films. Even your home runs aren’t home runs when you offset them with SPEED RACER. A small successful comedy can you bring you huge rewards for relatively little risk. Make ten ROLE MODELS for every one BANGKOK DANGEROUS.

Eliminate all the middle-tier development people. Both in the feature and television world. Here’s why: They don’t DO ANYTHING. They give notes. They clog up the system. They homogenize things. For the most part they’re obstructionists. Proven screenwriters and showrunners don’t need some 2006 graduate of Sarah Lawrence telling them how to fix their projects.

In television: eliminate the “Pod Companies”. These are former executives who now have cushy producing deals with studios. Again, just another layer of interference. Since they still have to hire writers to create and execute ideas why not just eliminate the middle men? A few years ago I helped out on a pilot and between the studio, network, pod company, star’s management team, and standards & practices there were literally 25 people giving notes. How many executives do you need to say “raise the stakes” and “we don’t like her enough”?

Stop paying the Jim Carreys of the world $20 million a picture. Comedy stars in particular wear out their welcome long before studios stop giving them giant paydays. I have just four words: Eddie Murphy, Michael Myers? Develop new stars. Especially on television. Breakout shows generally feature breakout stars. I have just one word: FRIENDS.

Make better movies. 2005 was a horrible boxoffice year and we weren’t in a recession then. But you gave us BEWITCHED.

There are other subjects for motion pictures besides Superheroes. The only one left is the Teeny Little Super Guy.

Force theater chains to stop showing ads before the movies. They drive people away. Does the revenue from these annoying commercials offset the loss in admission tickets? Theater chains make their money on $6.95 buckets of popcorn that cost them three cents to make. Let Mountain Dew peddle their crap elsewhere.

Television networks – concentrate on ratings again and not just putting on your own shows because you own them. Yes, advertising money is shrinking, but not for hit shows.

Run fewer commercials. Charge more for them. But a sponsor’s ad would no longer be buried among ten in a single spot break. People might actually not fast forward through commercials if there was only one or two at a time. And it means more program content time so better audience retention.

People need entertainment, especially during hard times. It’s not like you’re in the mortgage broker business. Your audience is out there. Improve your business models and go get them. It’s something to think about on your private jet to Sundance.

Baconnaise: For Real?

Does the world really need bacon-flavored mayonnaise?

"Right this way, your VIPness."

I catch shows like TWO AND A HALF MEN and there are at least fifty penis jokes, usually before the act break. I have to shake my head when I think about my battles with CBS Standards & Practices. Times have certainly changed.

On MASH it was routine that we’d get a memo from S&P saying “cut the casual profanity in half”. Whether we had four “hells” or “damns” or eight, we’d get the same directive. So of course we’d start padding our scripts with double the casual profanity in order to keep the ones we needed.

One time we had Radar showing a visiting General to the VIP tent. Radar’s line in the script was: “Right this way, your VIPness.” They caught it.

Damn damn them to hell hell!!

When we did that ill-fated train wreck show for Mary Tyler Moore we wanted her say “ying yang” in a speech. S&P flagged it. We couldn’t say “ying yang”. “Why not?” I asked, “It’s the Asian symbol for opposites.” According to our assigned 65 year old S&P spinster, “ying yang” was a slang expression for penis. I told her I was unaware of that and we weren’t using it in that context. Plus, Mary Tyler Moore was saying it. She didn’t know what a penis was.

Ms. S&P insisted it was on the list. “What list?” I asked. Well, it seemed that CBS had a whole list of unacceptable words for penis. And since I didn’t know that, I asked her to read me the list.

So picture the Church Lady having to recite “dick, cock, pud, schmuck, petzel, pecker, schlong, sword, Johnson, wang, German helmet, wanker, hose, Mr. Happy, dork,” and about fifty others. When she finished it occurred to me that there must be a list for vagina as well. And breasts. And intercourse. And oral sex. For the next half hour over the speaker phone she regaled me and my hysterical writing staff with every sexual euphemism there was.

It was only after I had gotten home that night that I realized that “VIPness” wasn’t on her list.

But getting Mary to say it proved to be an even bigger problem.

Larry Gelbart is alive and still hilarious

In the blog alt.obituaries recently it claimed that the Mozart of comedy writers, Larry Gelbart had suffered a major stroke and was hovering near death. The article went on to say big stars such as Alan Alda and Woody Allen had called the hospital desperate for information.

Happy to report this is all bullshit. Larry Gelbart is alive and well.

He learned of this rumor like everybody else – from the internet. "I got a Google alert: 'This is to inform you that you're apparently no longer with us.' "

Larry emailed the site to say, "Does that mean I can stop exercising?"

A typical screenwriter, Larry was annoyed that he didn’t even get top billing for his own obit. "I was disappointed”, he said, “to see it takes some kind of star power to sell an obit. I didn't seem to be enough by myself."

Apparently this isn’t the first time his demise has been greatly exaggerated. Gelbart says that a couple of years ago a similarly unfounded report of his passing made it onto the radio. "I don't know how any of this gets reported. I guess there's life after life after death."

May Larry Gelbart live long enough that when he finally does go it’s reported via technology that hasn't even been invented today.

A Few Thoughts On 2009

Off the top of my head, here are few things I want to do, or do better, in 2009.

1. Accept that fitness is a journey, not a destination: I went for a power walk yesterday, and it struck me that I am now the kind of person who goes for power walks on a holiday. I savored that for one minute, then thought about the fact that exercising vigorously and eating mindfully are two things I'm gonna have to do for the rest of my life. I am not at my goal weight yet, but I am roughly 20 pounds closer than I was a year ago.

2. Stop whining about work: I have a job, which is more than a lot of people can say right now. I get caught up in the Oprah ideal of finding my "soul's true purpose" or whatever, but sometimes it's good to be grateful for what you have.

3. Read better comics: I bought a lot of crap in 2008, mostly on autopilot. But the major comics publishers are going to have to work a little harder for my money this year, and I'm going to try not to be an "event" sheep.

4. Take better photos: I have a very good point-and-shoot, but there is an SLR with my name on it. However, I can't justify buying it until I've tapped my current camera's full potential. There is quite a bit to learn.

5. Relax a little about parenting, especially where my oldest child is concerned: This is probably about as likely as me taking up parasailing, but I can try, right? I am a worrier by nature, and a friend once told me that my iron-willed, high-decibel son was "possibly the worst kind of child for someone with a personality like yours." He didn't mean that my kid was a jerk, but that I was going to have to take the hand-wringing down a few notches.

6. Get out of town more: Traveling solo and with my family this fall/winter was excellent therapy for me. More, please.

7. Be kind when I don't feel like it: I think I'm pretty kind most of the time, but I have a tendency to frost over when people become passive aggressive or behave like 4-year-olds (especially if they are not 4). I'm going to work on taking the high road a little more often.

8. Enjoy the good relationships I've built over the years: I did some pruning in 2008, and I can truly say that the people who are in my life now are there because I want them to be. Friendship is a gift, and I'd like to give as much as I receive.

I'm sure I'll think of something else.

Note to Dick Clark

The Friday questions will return next week. I have some year beginning thoughts and figure I better serve them while they’re hot.Time-Warner and Viacom settled. Thank God, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t watch all my favorite shows on the N network.

Note to Dick Clark: We love you buddy but never go on television again. The first year was courageous. Now it’s just beyond sad. I found myself relieved when they cut away from you to go to Kellie Pickler. Honestly. You’ve had a great career. And I wish you many many more happy years. But please, not on TV.

That said, I’d still rather watch Dick Clark than Carson Daly.

Just three more weeks before America has a leader again. How’d you like to be the agent trying to get George Bush speaking engagements?

Note to GM CEO: The next time you need a bailout instead of flying your private jet to Washington to ask for my money, fly to Tampa and get it from the New York Yankees.

Good to see Stephanie Edwards back co-hosting the Rose Parade with snake oil salesman, Bob Eubanks. When one of your greatest talents is parade hosting you better land the gigs when you can.

Former NBA star now commentator Charles Barkley was busted for DUI Wednesday morning in Phoenix. He ran a stop sign. His excuse to the cops: He was in a hurry to get a blowjob. Barkley was taken into custody so I guess you could say he didn’t get off… twice.

January is traditionally the dumping ground for bad new movies. Does that mean that PAUL BLART: MALL COP might not be the classic we expect?

Thanks to PC Magazine for naming this one of their favorite blogs. PC’s are one of my favorite computers.

The New Year’s Day NHL game at Wrigley Field was disappointing. What’s the point of playing hockey if it’s not in a blizzard? And too bad Harry Caray isn’t still alive to lead the crowd in “Oh Canada!”

How does Brent Musburger, the worst football announcer EVER, get to broadcast the Rose Bowl? My favorite call: A USC Trojan returned a kickoff to the eleven yard line. Or, as Brent called it: "He's shy of the twenty." He's shy of midfield too. Musburger also made enough baseball references to qualify as the worst baseball announcer as well.

Best TV marathon: Looney Tunes all day on the Cartoon Network. Even better than the WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU marathon on the N network.

Worst looking bowl: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl in Boise. Football fields are green not blue! I feel bad for anybody just getting their new flat screens trying to adjust the color.

And now come the NFL playoffs. Finally, some football this week that means something.