When people tell me I'm not funny...

This happens to me all the time.

I’m at a party. I make the mistake of telling someone I casually meet that I’m a comedy writer. If they don’t launch into what they think is wrong with television (as if it’s all my fault), they’ll invariably say, “Really? A comedy writer. Say something funny”.  Just like I'm a trained seal. 

I want to say to them: “What do you do”? “I’m a doctor”. “Really?  Do a tracheotomy”.

(Alternate version: I tell the person I’m a baseball announcer. “Really? Let me hear you call something”. What I'll always say is, “Low, ball two”. What, I’m going to launch into a big home run call in the middle of a crowded room?)

These party people are always disappointed. I sure don’t seem that funny. I’ve even had one or two actually say that. I ask what them what do they expect. I’ll get answers like Robin Williams or Steve Martin.

I’ve met Steve briefly and used to do improv with Robin. And I can honestly say, these are two of the unfunniest human beings I’ve ever met – when they want to be – which is most of the time. Yes, they can turn it on and when they do there’s no one more brilliant, but those are usually reserved for TONIGHT SHOW appearances. After improv workshops when the whole class would go out for coffee, Robin usually just sat there, quiet as a church mouse.

And here’s the thing – when really funny people are not just constantly doing their schtick – they’re doing you a favor. A big favor.   Because even if someone is unbelievably hilarious and can make five great jokes a second, after about ten minutes you want to shoot him. There are some comedy writers and comedians who are always “on” and they are insufferable! The desperate need to be the center of attention and to be loved truly sucks all of the air out of the room.

Imagine being trapped in a Volkswagen driving across the country with Gallagher. You'd pray for The Rapture.

Mindy would have turned Mork over to the authorities in one week.  

If you’re really funny you don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to always “top” someone when they say something funny. You don’t have to fill up every silence.

So when I’m at a party and the person I’ve just met says I sure don’t seem very funny I usually say “thank you”. And then ask him for legal advice, computer tech support, or free plumbing supplies, whatever it is he does.

ST. ELSEWHERE goes to CHEERS: the inside story

In maybe the strangest cross-promotion in television history, there was an episode of ST. ELSEWHERE where three of their main characters went to the Cheers bar. Readers are always asking me about this scene so I thought I'd go to the source. John Masius is a multi-Emmy winning writer who co-wrote and produced the episode. He graciously has agreed to fill in the details. Many thanks, John.  I'm very big about going to sources this week (while I'm in Seattle and don't have as much time to write.)  First Dave Hackel and now John Masius.

how st.elsewhere came to cheers: a revisionist history

tom fontana, john tinker and i wrote the episode..bruce paltrow directed it..

the episode had three story arcs..westphal dealing with his autistic son,
craig coping with his mentor's alzheimer disease and auschlander coming to
grips with his own mortality..

we thought it would be fun to write a scene where the three friends met for a drink after work..something we had never done...and obliquely share their concerns and fears...so we thought why not the cheers bar? tartkoff loved the idea, paltow called his old friend burrows and they hashed the production constraints...one day to shoot during a cheers hiatus week...perleman and ratzenberger graciously signed on..

i wanted the coach behind the bar but he was dead...so creatively we decided to go for it and wrote essentially a one-act play that was the entire third act of the episode..due to the constraints of the three-camera set we shot pretty much in one direction..blew through 15 pages,twice our normal load in one day...

i remember it being a great fun day..the show turned out well...it was picked to be aired at our 20th anniversary event held at the paley museum of t.v. and beer-drinking...

the only negative feedback was from the charles bros who didn't like the dialogue we wrote
for carla and cliff...however their bastard step-brother ed charles, utility infielder extroidinaire for the '69 mets, was a big fan of the episode..

john masius

My commencement speech to the Class of '11

June is the graduation time of year. I guess a hundred years ago those commencement speakers were inspiring and offered thoughts and insights that were new and fresh. But now, Jesus! Be your own person. Never give up. You have a responsibility to society. Success comes from within. Show courage. You can make a difference. Set aside time to smell the roses. Let faith be your guide. Blablablablabla.

I’ve never been asked to be a commencement speaker and that’s probably a good thing because here’s some of the advice I might give:

Live at home with your parents as long as you can. Otherwise you’ll have to find a job. Rents are high. And then there’s laundry, food, and the family big screen.

Know that the music you think is so cool now will be laughed at by future generations.

Same with clothes.

Don’t follow your current favorite group around the country for the next thirty years. That becomes sad year one.

If you are going to honor your dear departed kitty Fluffy with a tattoo make sure all your subsequent pets are also named Fluffy.

Eat bad foods. You’re at an age when you can get away with it. And eat them at midnight. There’s plenty of time in the future for watching your carbs, eating your vegetables, avoiding red meat, and laying off the Yodels and Ring Dings. Soon enough you won’t be able to eat a bite after 8:00 without spending the night in the porcelain canyon . Do you want fries with that? Damn right you do!

Don’t buy SUV’s.

Practice safe and frequent sex. Have many romances and then fall in love when you’re 30.

Go back and study the history of your chosen field. Things actually happened before 1995.

Don’t blame your parents for everything. Your peers screwed you up just as much.

Sleep. It’s better for you than Red Bull.

You can no longer take an "incomplete".

Prepare yourselves. There will come a day – in your lifetime – that they will stop making original episodes of THE SIMPSONS. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

There’s a special bond having shared the school experience together. Stay in touch with your classmates. Even the ones you’ve slept with.

Don’t invest money in video stores.

Read novels that aren’t graphic.

Join communities that aren't virtual.

Save your journal or private diary. In twenty years you’re going to get such laughs.

Dream big but always have contingency plans. And then have contingency plans for your contingency plans.

Keep your student ID card. Use it to get into movies cheaper.

Guys, don’t wear hats. You’ll have plenty of time for that later once you’ve lost your hair.

Never take comedy traffic school.

Buy your alcoholic beverages by the glass or bottle, not the keg.

And finally -- Don’t sweat it if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. There’s a good chance the job you'll eventually want hasn’t been invented yet.

Congratulations to the class of '11. Now get out there and don’t fuck up my Social Security.

Why did Terry Ferrell leave BECKER?

Hi from Seattle where I'm broadcasting for the Mariners on 710 ESPN radio, MLB.COM, and Sirius/XM. I have a guest answerer for Friday Question Day. Dave Hackel, the creator and showrunner of BECKER graciously agreed to answer the following question and clear up any rumors. Thanks, Dave. What's your question?

Johnny Walker asks:

What happened with Terry Farrell on Becker?

One story I've heard is that the powers that be reneged on their contract with the supporting cast, refusing to give them a pay raise at the end of Season 3, like they had originally agreed. Farrell rallied the other cast (not including Ted Danson) to fight for their agreed pay rise by not showing up for work.

The powers that be agreed to honour their contract with the cast, but were so turned off by the way she handled things that they decided not to renew her contract after Season 4.

If this is true, then it makes you wonder where the truth lies: Was she completely unreasonable, to the point where her behaviour essentially ended up black-balling herself? Or is Hollywood a greedy place that expects people to not complain when they're screwed over?

Every so often speculation about Terry Farrell’s departure from “Becker” comes up and I’m very happy that Ken gave me the opportunity to address it here on his blog. For the record -- the decision to replace Terry had absolutely nothing to do with contract negotiations. That situation had long been resolved by that time. Terry was, and is, a lovely person and a talented actress and having her leave the show was a creative decision, not a punitive one. Here’s how it came about.

At the end of the fourth season we’d done a cliffhanger episode where Terry’s character, Reggie, was at a crossroads in her life. She’d left the diner and nobody knew where she’d gone. The normal way to handle that would have been to have her come back at the beginning of the next season, solve her problem and move forward as before. However, we were under pressure from the network to find ways to inject new life into the series — not an unusual request for a series going into it’s fifth season. So when trying to figure out exactly how to resolve Reggie’s dilemma, it occurred to me that handling it the “normal” way was certainly one option, but having her do the unexpected — certainly in series television — was another choice. What if she didn’t come back at all? What if we could surprise our audience, as well as the other characters on the show? We’d already introduced Nancy Travis’ character, Chris, and it seemed like following that relationship might be just the thing to shake things up a bit.

So I ran that option by both Paramount and CBS and everyone thought it would provide the shot in the arm that we all felt the series could use. An easy decision? Not on any level. In fact, it was one of the toughest decisions of my career. And while the wisdom of that choice is occasionally a topic of debate, giving Dr. Becker a new relationship did give the writers and actors a new dynamic to explore.

Thanks for your interest.

Method Acting

As a director, I marvel at the skill, discipline, and dedication it takes to be a good actor. I couldn’t do it. To be real, to be convincing, to hit marks, get laughs when required, and make it seem effortless while memorizing pages of precise dialogue is truly a gift bestowed upon very few.

Each actor has his own approach. There are more acting techniques than snowflakes in a blizzard. Some actors need to process a script for days. Some are more instinctual and can do it in ten minutes. Some are visceral, others are cerebral, a few just channel messages from outer space (but it works for them). My job as director is to get the best performance from every actor whatever his process and have them all peak when the cameras are rolling. It’s a juggling act to be sure but the rewards are worth it.

So I try to be accepting of any technique an actor may bring. Half the time I don’t even understand them. One time an actor came to me and asked if he could “activate his choices”. I said sure. I had (and still have) no fucking clue what the hell that means. But the next day his performance was better so activate to your heart's content?

However, the one technique I really don’t get in “Method”. In short, “Method” is a process where actors try to create in themselves the thoughts and emotions of their characters in an effort to develop lifelike performances. In other words, they try to “be” the character, total immersion. This technique was very in vogue in the ‘40s and ‘50s and produced some great actors like Brando and James Dean.

And there is certainly something to be said for totally committing to a character, but sometimes it can be taken too far. And where do you draw the line between art and reality? If you play a killer do you need to go out and actually kill someone to portray your character honestly? What if you’re single and you get a great role but the character is married? Do you become Larry King and propose to the first woman you see at Nate N’ Al's?

I’m sure every director has a few stories dealing with method actors. Here are three of mine:

I once wrote a one-act play with David Isaacs about a Malibu condo that was leaking during a rainstorm. The play was a farce – characters frantically running in and out with buckets, that sort of thing. At one point a character goes off stage to mop up a leak. The actor wanted to know where the leak was. I said, “Off stage. Wherever.” That wasn’t good enough. He needed to know exactly where. So I shrugged, walked backstage with him, pointed to a spot on the floor and said, “right there...no, wait.  There!”. He thanked me and throughout the run of the show he went to that spot, got on his hands and knees, and went to work mopping up. Meanwhile, other actors are tripping all over him coming on and off the stage. The real farce was unseen by the audience.

On the MARY show David and I did (Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle 3 of 7) set in a tabloid newspaper in Chicago, the great John Astin played a theater critic. During the filming of the shows (with a studio audience present) John would sit at his desk and actually write reviews. And here’s the thing – the reviews were HILARIOUS. Far funnier than the scripts.

But the best method example I’ve saved for last. I was directing a sitcom episode where the star opens a door to find a woman supposedly in a certain uncompromising position with a man. The camera of course would be on the actor’s face recording his shocked reaction to this scene.

So it’s time for the runthrough, we get to that scene, the actor opens the door and there is this guest-starring actress on her knees, head buried in her scene partner’s lap, simulating a very convincing blowjob. The look on the happy recipient's face was, “Wow! This is the greatest job EVER!”

This actress pops up a lot in TV guest-star roles. And all I have to do is see the back of her head and I pop up as well. It was really embarrassing the time she was on some hospital show playing a terminal patient and I had to put a throw pillow on my lap.

To me the real danger in method acting is how do you discard one character and move on to the next? I know I can’t. Even in her death scene I was drooling like Pepe LePew.

1:18 AutoArt Lexus LFA

Here is my second AUTOart collection that just arrived recently from Japan. This is the latest supercar from LEXUS called LFA. Unless you are living under the rock, I am sure you had already heard how amazing this car is. Heck, we even have one actual unit roaming in Brunei street with the same color as this model!



This one is No.4092, need to buy 4D....hehehe


Magnifying glass for you to check on the small details of the model.


No plan to take it out just yet.....


.....will update with more proper pictures very soon!

Pulling a joke on Baltimore

Hello from Seattle where I'm calling this afternoon's Mariners/Orioles game on 710 ESPN, MLB.COM, and Sirius/XM. Today's post is in honor of Baltimore.  Yes, it's a baseball post but it's not about baseball. And it's not about Roseanne.

I love when the radio plays tricks on people, or in this case, entire cities. This one was played on Baltimore and dreamed up by Hall of Fame baseball announcer and first class devious wit, Jon Miller. In 1991, when I did play-by-play for the O's, Jon was my partner. The following year I moved over to the Seattle Mariners.

The first time we played in Baltimore was mid-May – a good six or seven weeks into the new season. Jon came into our booth the first night and asked if I wouldn’t mind doing the 4th inning of play-by-play for old time’s sake on the Orioles’ radio network. I said sure.

At the appointed time I walked into the Orioles booth and Jon said, “Oh, just one thing – let’s do this as if you had never left”. I loved the idea.  A clear strength of our partnership was that we were both great at following the others leads.

So I sit down, having not been on the Orioles radio network since the previous October, and this is Jon’s introduction: “On to the 4th and here’s Ken.” I came on and said, “Thanks, Jon” and just launched into the play-by-play.

I read the Esskay out-of-town scoreboard as I always did, talked about the Oriole pitcher on the mound and how I’ve detected subtle improvements over his last three outings. I read a promo for an upcoming homestand and was really looking forward to a certain concert scheduled after one of the games. I even paused for station identification on the “Baltimore Orioles Radio Network”. It was all very casual and matter-of-fact.

When the next inning began I said, “Now to the 5th and here again is Jon.” “Okay, Ken”, he said and turned his attention back to the game. And then never mentioned it again.

Apparently the station got a shitload of calls from confused fans. Was I still part of the Orioles broadcast team? Didn’t I leave? Had I been on all this time and they just didn’t notice? Was this the Twilight Zone?

Thanks to Jon for cooking it up and letting me participate in the joke. Wish he were around when David Isaacs and I were killing ourselves trying to come up with those damn pranks for the CHEERS “Bar Wars” episodes.