Happy birthday to Brittany Spears who turns 24 today. How fitting that on this day in 1962 a Texas doctor invented breast implants.
The L.A. Times CALENDAR section did a big feature on local bloggers on Thursday. I did not make the cut. When I started this venture, way back on Saturday, I knew it would take time to catch on but not this much time. Jesus! Still, I will carry on, never standing down from my comedy watch. And if you get a chance, read the article and check out the sites they did mention. They’re pretty great. I’d hyperlink you to them but have no idea how to do that. (which is also why you don’t see photos on this site or clocks and shit.)
So in a shameless attempt to get noticed I will be guesting on the Rollye James radio show tonight from 10-11 P.M. EST. It can be heard on 1210 in Philadelphia, 1080 in Dallas, a bunch of other affiliates and Channel 165 on XM Satellite radio. She’ll be the one with the deeper voice.
Spent some private time with Sarah Silverman yesterday. And by that I mean I was the only one in the theatre to see her new movie. Sarah is fearless…and often times hilarious. And it’s refreshing to hear a comedienne whose whole act isn’t lesbian jokes. I just worry how it will play in Kansas where they’re still trying to figure out Elayne Boosler.
And I’ll leave you with this: (WARNING: RATED X) the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards have been announced. Here is one of the winners.
“Winkler” by Giles Coren (Jonathan Cape)
And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.
Thursday, December 1, 2005
Singing Karaoke is Hard to Do
After yesterday’s Porn Star Karaoke post several people wondered why I didn’t sing. Truth is I only sang once, during a trip to Albuquerque a few years ago to speak at a radio convention.
Albuquerque is the only city I've ever been to where there's a bowling alley across the street from another bowling alley. Of course I shouldn't be surprised when there are two Dillards department stores in one mall. (I hope this was by design and not some big mistake they discovered the day the mall opened.) After giving my seminar on the state of today’s radio (a joke considering I haven’t been in radio for thirty years), a group of us had dinner at the only authentic Italian restaurant in the state (Buca de Beppo), shared a tiramisu that had more rum in it than the island of St. Thomas and headed for the Leisure Bowl where we hit their karaoke bar. It was packed with shitkickers. There wasn’t a single song I had heard of, and most involved killing cheating wives or losing custody battles. The tiramisu kicked in about midnight and I got bamboozled into going up to sing for the first time.
My worst fears were immediately realized. Looking out at the sea of cowboy hats and bouffant hair I could imagine them all thinking: JEW! What they didn’t know was “Jew that couldn’t sing”. In my foggy state I thought I could get away with Neil Sedaka’s BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO. It’s a nice bluesy song that I figured I could sing in a passable southern accent.
Unfortunately, the version they played was not the slow torch song but the fast super peppy 1962 ditty (with the comma, comma, down, dooby doo down downs). So now they all must be thinking “This is what Jews sing? Pre-teen bubblegum oldies by a guy who sounds like a girl?” And even if I wasn’t Jewish, who in the WORLD would sing this song in a redneck bar?
I gamely open my mouth and am already six dooby-doo’s behind. That little bouncing ball on the monitor is flying through the words. In a desperate attempt to save myself I begin talking between verses, giving bowling announcements. "They say that Breaking up is hard to do...Hey, time to sign up for the summer leagues!...now I know, I know that it's true...new shoes for sizes 10 and above”...don't say that this is the end... "two for one bowling for the next fifteen minutes!"...instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again....", etc. Now they were just plain stupified. When I finally finished to stone silence (usually you even get some pity applause just for trying), I slinked back to my seat, mortified, and happened to notice it was 12:17. A girl from the next table leaned over, put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly and said "You was fuckin' GREAT!" I was very relieved. At least one person liked me. She followed that by slurring "I’VE BEEN HERE SINCE 5!".
Albuquerque is the only city I've ever been to where there's a bowling alley across the street from another bowling alley. Of course I shouldn't be surprised when there are two Dillards department stores in one mall. (I hope this was by design and not some big mistake they discovered the day the mall opened.) After giving my seminar on the state of today’s radio (a joke considering I haven’t been in radio for thirty years), a group of us had dinner at the only authentic Italian restaurant in the state (Buca de Beppo), shared a tiramisu that had more rum in it than the island of St. Thomas and headed for the Leisure Bowl where we hit their karaoke bar. It was packed with shitkickers. There wasn’t a single song I had heard of, and most involved killing cheating wives or losing custody battles. The tiramisu kicked in about midnight and I got bamboozled into going up to sing for the first time.
My worst fears were immediately realized. Looking out at the sea of cowboy hats and bouffant hair I could imagine them all thinking: JEW! What they didn’t know was “Jew that couldn’t sing”. In my foggy state I thought I could get away with Neil Sedaka’s BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO. It’s a nice bluesy song that I figured I could sing in a passable southern accent.
Unfortunately, the version they played was not the slow torch song but the fast super peppy 1962 ditty (with the comma, comma, down, dooby doo down downs). So now they all must be thinking “This is what Jews sing? Pre-teen bubblegum oldies by a guy who sounds like a girl?” And even if I wasn’t Jewish, who in the WORLD would sing this song in a redneck bar?
I gamely open my mouth and am already six dooby-doo’s behind. That little bouncing ball on the monitor is flying through the words. In a desperate attempt to save myself I begin talking between verses, giving bowling announcements. "They say that Breaking up is hard to do...Hey, time to sign up for the summer leagues!...now I know, I know that it's true...new shoes for sizes 10 and above”...don't say that this is the end... "two for one bowling for the next fifteen minutes!"...instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again....", etc. Now they were just plain stupified. When I finally finished to stone silence (usually you even get some pity applause just for trying), I slinked back to my seat, mortified, and happened to notice it was 12:17. A girl from the next table leaned over, put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly and said "You was fuckin' GREAT!" I was very relieved. At least one person liked me. She followed that by slurring "I’VE BEEN HERE SINCE 5!".
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Porn Star Karaoke
There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.
I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.
The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.
The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.
The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.
Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.
Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").
I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.
The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.
They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)
Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.
I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.
The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.
The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.
The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.
Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.
Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").
I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.
The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.
They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)
Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Omid Summer Night's Dream
The Omid pilot was loved by everyone at HBO and Fox except the one person making the decision. It died. But here's a scene from it. The set up: Omid (picture an Iranian Danny DeVito) is manager of a TGI Fridays type restaurant. Eager and gung-ho, he decides the place could use more lighting. So he goes to Home Depot to pick up the items the electrician said he'd need.
INT. HOME DEPOT - LATER THAT DAY
OMID APPROACHES A CUSTOMER SERVICE AREA.
OMID
Good afternoon. I wonder if you could help me?
CLERK
Sure. What can I get you?
OMID HAS A LIST.
OMID
Copper wiring, cables, solder, duct tape, and a timer.
THE CLERK IS SUDDENLY QUITE SUSPICIOUS.
CLERK
That's a lot of stuff you need.
OMID
Yes, I'm going to light up the city of Redlands.
CLERK
Right. So... how long you been over here?
OMID
Not long. I had a big job fall through and now I'm coping with my extreme disappointment. But with God's help the people back home will remember my name. (OFF THE CLERK'S FROZEN LOOK) Are you okay?
CLERK
Yeah, fine, just a little hot in here.
OMID
(CHUCKLING) Oh you don't know what hot is, my friend.
CLERK
Uh...okay...where you from?
OMID
Iran. But if everything works out the way I hope, I'll die in Redlands. (THEN) How reliable is that timer?
THE CLERK IS NOW SHITTING IN HIS PANTS.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOME DEPOT - LATER THAT DAY
OMID APPROACHES A CUSTOMER SERVICE AREA.
OMID
Good afternoon. I wonder if you could help me?
CLERK
Sure. What can I get you?
OMID HAS A LIST.
OMID
Copper wiring, cables, solder, duct tape, and a timer.
THE CLERK IS SUDDENLY QUITE SUSPICIOUS.
CLERK
That's a lot of stuff you need.
OMID
Yes, I'm going to light up the city of Redlands.
CLERK
Right. So... how long you been over here?
OMID
Not long. I had a big job fall through and now I'm coping with my extreme disappointment. But with God's help the people back home will remember my name. (OFF THE CLERK'S FROZEN LOOK) Are you okay?
CLERK
Yeah, fine, just a little hot in here.
OMID
(CHUCKLING) Oh you don't know what hot is, my friend.
CLERK
Uh...okay...where you from?
OMID
Iran. But if everything works out the way I hope, I'll die in Redlands. (THEN) How reliable is that timer?
THE CLERK IS NOW SHITTING IN HIS PANTS.
DISSOLVE TO:
Monday, November 28, 2005
Meet the Rokers
Thanks for finding my blog. There are a few postings now so you can get some idea of the nonsense you’re going to find here.
Random thoughts for the day…
PRISON BREAK – great show if you can suspend belief. I mean, in reality a pretty boy like Michael would never get out of his cell. There would be a line of guys wrapped around the cellblock. Prisoners would waive early release to get their chance.
And my friend Ian suggests that if his brother were on death row and he had designed the prison, instead of robbing a bank and getting incarcerated himself, he might just CALL his brother and say “pull your sink out, there’s a vent, get to the infirmary, make a left…”, etc.
THE APPRENTICE – Are you like me and now just fast forward to the boardroom? Who gives a shit how well these Ivy League idiots do setting up a lumber display at Home Depot?
HOUSE – (BECKER meets CSI) Okay, last week Cameron learns she might have AIDS, so what’s the first thing she does? What any respectable doctor would do – experiment with meth and sleep with a co-worker. So now HOUSE is BECKER meets CSI meets GREY’S ANATOMY.
As someone once said, there are only two reasons why STACKED is on the air.
Who says the Hollywood community is insulated and never strays from LA? There are Academy screenings in Maui and Aspen this year.
KRTH – LA’s longtime oldies station can’t find a program director. You’d think SOMEONE would want that job? I guess sitting in your office and having to listen to “Pretty Woman”, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, and “Rescue Me” on an endless loop is enough to turn any competent radio person into Ted Bundy. PLAY MORE SONGS!!! PLAY FEWER COMMERCIALS!!!! RE-HIRE ROBERT W. MORGAN AND THE REAL DON STEELE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE DEAD!!!!
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has just announced its class of 2006. Black Sabbath, Lynyrd Skynrd, Blondie, the Sex Pistols, and Miles Davis. Huh?????? That’s like the Baseball Hall of Fame inducting John Rocker, Billy Ripken, Rafael Palmiero, and Wilt Chamberlain.
Good news for advertisers. A recent study showed that, contrary to popular belief, Tivo viewers DON’T fast forward through commercials. No sir. 58% watch the commercials and 53% have actually gone back to watch an ad that interested them. Who commissioned this study? Why the six broadcast networks of course.
One of those networks, NBC, is making a pilot called MEET THE ROKERS starring comic genius Al Roker. I hope Anne Curry plays his zany neighbor. Anne: “Al, help me! My foot is caught in this chimney!” (laugh) Al: “Anne, for Pete’s sakes what are you doing on the roof wearing only your bathrobe and a football helmet? (laugh) Don’t you know it’s supposed to rain?” (huge laugh) And they say the sitcom is dead.
Good news!!! DEUCE BIGALOW; EUROPEAN GIGALO is now out on DVD. So many unanswered questions from the first DEUCE BIGALOW.
“Tonight on a very special episode of MEET THE ROKERS, guest star Katie Couric has another colonoscopy and when the doctor gets sick Al has to perform it. Followed by JOEY”.
Random thoughts for the day…
PRISON BREAK – great show if you can suspend belief. I mean, in reality a pretty boy like Michael would never get out of his cell. There would be a line of guys wrapped around the cellblock. Prisoners would waive early release to get their chance.
And my friend Ian suggests that if his brother were on death row and he had designed the prison, instead of robbing a bank and getting incarcerated himself, he might just CALL his brother and say “pull your sink out, there’s a vent, get to the infirmary, make a left…”, etc.
THE APPRENTICE – Are you like me and now just fast forward to the boardroom? Who gives a shit how well these Ivy League idiots do setting up a lumber display at Home Depot?
HOUSE – (BECKER meets CSI) Okay, last week Cameron learns she might have AIDS, so what’s the first thing she does? What any respectable doctor would do – experiment with meth and sleep with a co-worker. So now HOUSE is BECKER meets CSI meets GREY’S ANATOMY.
As someone once said, there are only two reasons why STACKED is on the air.
Who says the Hollywood community is insulated and never strays from LA? There are Academy screenings in Maui and Aspen this year.
KRTH – LA’s longtime oldies station can’t find a program director. You’d think SOMEONE would want that job? I guess sitting in your office and having to listen to “Pretty Woman”, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, and “Rescue Me” on an endless loop is enough to turn any competent radio person into Ted Bundy. PLAY MORE SONGS!!! PLAY FEWER COMMERCIALS!!!! RE-HIRE ROBERT W. MORGAN AND THE REAL DON STEELE EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE DEAD!!!!
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has just announced its class of 2006. Black Sabbath, Lynyrd Skynrd, Blondie, the Sex Pistols, and Miles Davis. Huh?????? That’s like the Baseball Hall of Fame inducting John Rocker, Billy Ripken, Rafael Palmiero, and Wilt Chamberlain.
Good news for advertisers. A recent study showed that, contrary to popular belief, Tivo viewers DON’T fast forward through commercials. No sir. 58% watch the commercials and 53% have actually gone back to watch an ad that interested them. Who commissioned this study? Why the six broadcast networks of course.
One of those networks, NBC, is making a pilot called MEET THE ROKERS starring comic genius Al Roker. I hope Anne Curry plays his zany neighbor. Anne: “Al, help me! My foot is caught in this chimney!” (laugh) Al: “Anne, for Pete’s sakes what are you doing on the roof wearing only your bathrobe and a football helmet? (laugh) Don’t you know it’s supposed to rain?” (huge laugh) And they say the sitcom is dead.
Good news!!! DEUCE BIGALOW; EUROPEAN GIGALO is now out on DVD. So many unanswered questions from the first DEUCE BIGALOW.
“Tonight on a very special episode of MEET THE ROKERS, guest star Katie Couric has another colonoscopy and when the doctor gets sick Al has to perform it. Followed by JOEY”.
England Swings
Hi new visitors. From time to time I will post past travelogues, originally just emailed to my friends. Here's one from June when my writing partner, David Isaacs, and I went over to London to work on a pilot. The fate of that pilot tomorrow. I wish I were you and didn't know how this ends.
David and I are very excited about the new pilot we’re writing for two reasons. 1) It will star the brilliant actor-comedian Omid Djalili, and 2) (even more important) we got a free trip to London to go over the script with him. Omid is British-Iranian (he was a regular on the “Whoopi” NBC sitcom last year which explains why you’ve never seen or heard of him). It’s a little early in the season to be writing a pilot but we wanted the script in before our country attacked Iran. You might be thinking: “is this guy a terrorist??” No, and believe me we know the difference. We’ve worked for Mary Tyler Moore.
Flew first class on United. You sit in these big Capt. Kirk chairs as if on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Conveniently, they transform into recliners, beds, and traction racks. I found it quite comfortable to sleep on once I took a horse tranquillizer.
Everything in London is so steeped with history. Our hotel, the Dorchester, for example. That’s where Elizabeth Taylor and Peter O’Toole had a sordid affair while she was still with Richard Burton. It might have even been my room although I couldn’t find any empty gin bottles behind the couch.
Do English subjects ever go to the dentist? I swear, most of these people could eat an apple through a tennis racket.
I spent my entire time in London apologizing for our idiot President.
Bush is only the third most hated American in England. Second is Malcolm Glazer, the guy who bought the Manchester United football team, and first (for the 40th year in a row) – Dick Van Dyke. Folks here just can’t get over that bogus cockney accent in “Mary Poppins”.
The BBC news department is on strike. But no one knows because no one’s there to do the news.
Besides, everyone’s watching “Celebrity Love Island” and “the Farm” instead. These reality shows feature marginal British celebrities --and by marginal I mean that Lulu is too big – embarrassing themselves in bikinis on Fiji or milking cows on a farm. In the latter show I thought the cast was dressing a wart hog before I discovered it was fellow cast member, former American-porn star-now-pathetic-figure, Ron Jeremy. Gone are the days of Shakespeare and Dickens.
The real breakout hit at the moment is “Hell’s Kitchen”, a reality show featuring an angry crazed chef named Gordon Ramsay. During the course of an episode he’ll say “fuck” so often you’ll think you’re watching “Deadwood”. The public and the censors have no problem with this. But he caused a huge flack recently when one of his rants included the word “Jesus”.
London weather: cold, windy, gray, raw, rainy. Summer has finally arrived.
On the first night we ventured to the Comedy Store to see Omid do his stand up act. Our cab driver begin reciting JFK’s inaugural address then followed that up with the script from “The Sting”. It turns out he’d been in a movie himself, actually several of them. He was one of the kids in the Michael Apted documentary that began with “7 UP.” He too was too big a celebrity to qualify for “Celebrity Love Island”.
Omid’s stand up was hilarious. He is indeed Iran’s funniest comedian.
Went to dinner in Chinatown. I asked for tap water and the waitress shot me a murderous look. They were probably cooking a dog in the back but my not ordering Perrier was a real affront.
Tracey Ullman is a looker in this country.
The U.S. dollar is worth I think less than a peso here. It’s like being trapped in Gelsons.
David and I headed for the Underground to do a little sightseeing. We were side by side on the down escalator unknowingly blocking the path. A gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be pedantic but can I pass?” Can you imagine the same scene in a New York subway? “Hey, shithead, move your fuckin’ ass!” New Yorkers hate it when you’re pedantic.
Went to Baker Street to see the Sherlock Holmes museum. A number of American tourists were upset because they couldn’t get into the house to see where he actually lived.
Next to the museum was an Elvis store and a Beatles store. Both were disappointing. No black velvet paintings in either. What’s the point?
There’s also a CHEERS restaurant in London. You can sit at the bar with Norm, Cliff, and Field Marshall Montgomery.
Back on the “tube” to see Big Ben and Parliament Square. We asked a policeman where Westminster Abbey was and he didn’t know. It was across the street. We stopped in to see some of our favorite tombs. I meant to check if there were any open slots. It might be kind of fun to be the only AfterMASH writer in Poets corner.
There’s actually a gift shop in Westminster Abbey. I was sort of hoping Woolworth’s tomb would be there.
There’s not a single person in this entire country that has a tan. The only people with color are drinkers.
The Queen Mother passed away in March of 2002. Out of the many thousands of messages left on the Queen Mum’s Board of Remembrance:
“She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover”. – L.J. Worthington, Penrith.
“She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit.” – J. Clement, Granthom.
“I was absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”. – S.Wilson, Bristol.
“How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal Family without being accused of being homosexual”. – J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
“Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs”. – E. Franks, Cheshire.
“Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”. – Y. Howell, Slough.
I can honestly say that I have met Prince Charles. True story. He came to visit the MASH set when I was working there. We writers stood in a receiving line and when it was my turn I couldn’t resist. I asked him “what advice would you give young people thinking of getting into your profession?” He laughed politely then I believe he said to his handlers “This isn’t ‘Charlie’s Angels’. What the hell are we doing here?”
You can get hot tea, high tea, a spot of tea but no iced tea.
Saw Goldie Hawn in the lobby. She looked quite amazing. Of course it could just be that I saw her in England. Ruth Buzzi would look good in England.
Actual log line to a BBC2 sitcom: “The Robinsons” 5-26-05 9:30 p.m. – The family are amazed at what Ed’s new girlfriend does to his nipples.
Restaurants proudly offer something called “salt meat”. And they say you can’t get a good meal in London.
Never has there been a more apt title for a tabloid newspaper than THE LITE STANDARD.
All you need to know about the London theatre scene is that “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” is a smash hit. (I have a friend in the Broadway version and he’s so mortified he can only refer to the show as C2B2.)
But thanks to Omid and the BBC pulling some strings David and I were able to see “Philadelphia Story” at the Old Vic starring Kevin Spacey. It was quite wonderful but I felt cheated that he never sang “Mack the Knife”, not even in the wedding scene.
From there we went to a pub to watch Liverpool defeat Milan to win the big European soccer cup. The town went nuts. “Good show! Good show!” There were celebrations in the street and unlike America, no cars were turned over or storefronts set on fire. These people are amateurs!
At Heathrow airport, the United ticket clerk, the First Class lounge receptionist, and a flight attendant all recognized David’s name as a writer from “Cheers”. None recognized me. Which was the point of the gag our friend Dan O’Day had set up. Dan is a neighbor who happened to be on that flight. He pre-arranged the whole thing. Here’s how unusual it is for one of us to be recognized. From the first time we were suspicious.
As I write this I don’t know if it’s 6:00 tomorrow or 4:00 yesterday. But it was a jolly good trip and hopefully we’re on our way to a hit TV series. I sure hope so because I would hate to come back to London in a year and see Omid on “Celebrity Love Island”.
Cheerio…
Ken Levine
David and I are very excited about the new pilot we’re writing for two reasons. 1) It will star the brilliant actor-comedian Omid Djalili, and 2) (even more important) we got a free trip to London to go over the script with him. Omid is British-Iranian (he was a regular on the “Whoopi” NBC sitcom last year which explains why you’ve never seen or heard of him). It’s a little early in the season to be writing a pilot but we wanted the script in before our country attacked Iran. You might be thinking: “is this guy a terrorist??” No, and believe me we know the difference. We’ve worked for Mary Tyler Moore.
Flew first class on United. You sit in these big Capt. Kirk chairs as if on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Conveniently, they transform into recliners, beds, and traction racks. I found it quite comfortable to sleep on once I took a horse tranquillizer.
Everything in London is so steeped with history. Our hotel, the Dorchester, for example. That’s where Elizabeth Taylor and Peter O’Toole had a sordid affair while she was still with Richard Burton. It might have even been my room although I couldn’t find any empty gin bottles behind the couch.
Do English subjects ever go to the dentist? I swear, most of these people could eat an apple through a tennis racket.
I spent my entire time in London apologizing for our idiot President.
Bush is only the third most hated American in England. Second is Malcolm Glazer, the guy who bought the Manchester United football team, and first (for the 40th year in a row) – Dick Van Dyke. Folks here just can’t get over that bogus cockney accent in “Mary Poppins”.
The BBC news department is on strike. But no one knows because no one’s there to do the news.
Besides, everyone’s watching “Celebrity Love Island” and “the Farm” instead. These reality shows feature marginal British celebrities --and by marginal I mean that Lulu is too big – embarrassing themselves in bikinis on Fiji or milking cows on a farm. In the latter show I thought the cast was dressing a wart hog before I discovered it was fellow cast member, former American-porn star-now-pathetic-figure, Ron Jeremy. Gone are the days of Shakespeare and Dickens.
The real breakout hit at the moment is “Hell’s Kitchen”, a reality show featuring an angry crazed chef named Gordon Ramsay. During the course of an episode he’ll say “fuck” so often you’ll think you’re watching “Deadwood”. The public and the censors have no problem with this. But he caused a huge flack recently when one of his rants included the word “Jesus”.
London weather: cold, windy, gray, raw, rainy. Summer has finally arrived.
On the first night we ventured to the Comedy Store to see Omid do his stand up act. Our cab driver begin reciting JFK’s inaugural address then followed that up with the script from “The Sting”. It turns out he’d been in a movie himself, actually several of them. He was one of the kids in the Michael Apted documentary that began with “7 UP.” He too was too big a celebrity to qualify for “Celebrity Love Island”.
Omid’s stand up was hilarious. He is indeed Iran’s funniest comedian.
Went to dinner in Chinatown. I asked for tap water and the waitress shot me a murderous look. They were probably cooking a dog in the back but my not ordering Perrier was a real affront.
Tracey Ullman is a looker in this country.
The U.S. dollar is worth I think less than a peso here. It’s like being trapped in Gelsons.
David and I headed for the Underground to do a little sightseeing. We were side by side on the down escalator unknowingly blocking the path. A gentleman tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be pedantic but can I pass?” Can you imagine the same scene in a New York subway? “Hey, shithead, move your fuckin’ ass!” New Yorkers hate it when you’re pedantic.
Went to Baker Street to see the Sherlock Holmes museum. A number of American tourists were upset because they couldn’t get into the house to see where he actually lived.
Next to the museum was an Elvis store and a Beatles store. Both were disappointing. No black velvet paintings in either. What’s the point?
There’s also a CHEERS restaurant in London. You can sit at the bar with Norm, Cliff, and Field Marshall Montgomery.
Back on the “tube” to see Big Ben and Parliament Square. We asked a policeman where Westminster Abbey was and he didn’t know. It was across the street. We stopped in to see some of our favorite tombs. I meant to check if there were any open slots. It might be kind of fun to be the only AfterMASH writer in Poets corner.
There’s actually a gift shop in Westminster Abbey. I was sort of hoping Woolworth’s tomb would be there.
There’s not a single person in this entire country that has a tan. The only people with color are drinkers.
The Queen Mother passed away in March of 2002. Out of the many thousands of messages left on the Queen Mum’s Board of Remembrance:
“She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover”. – L.J. Worthington, Penrith.
“She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit.” – J. Clement, Granthom.
“I was absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off”. – S.Wilson, Bristol.
“How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal Family without being accused of being homosexual”. – J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
“Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs”. – E. Franks, Cheshire.
“Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists”. – Y. Howell, Slough.
I can honestly say that I have met Prince Charles. True story. He came to visit the MASH set when I was working there. We writers stood in a receiving line and when it was my turn I couldn’t resist. I asked him “what advice would you give young people thinking of getting into your profession?” He laughed politely then I believe he said to his handlers “This isn’t ‘Charlie’s Angels’. What the hell are we doing here?”
You can get hot tea, high tea, a spot of tea but no iced tea.
Saw Goldie Hawn in the lobby. She looked quite amazing. Of course it could just be that I saw her in England. Ruth Buzzi would look good in England.
Actual log line to a BBC2 sitcom: “The Robinsons” 5-26-05 9:30 p.m. – The family are amazed at what Ed’s new girlfriend does to his nipples.
Restaurants proudly offer something called “salt meat”. And they say you can’t get a good meal in London.
Never has there been a more apt title for a tabloid newspaper than THE LITE STANDARD.
All you need to know about the London theatre scene is that “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” is a smash hit. (I have a friend in the Broadway version and he’s so mortified he can only refer to the show as C2B2.)
But thanks to Omid and the BBC pulling some strings David and I were able to see “Philadelphia Story” at the Old Vic starring Kevin Spacey. It was quite wonderful but I felt cheated that he never sang “Mack the Knife”, not even in the wedding scene.
From there we went to a pub to watch Liverpool defeat Milan to win the big European soccer cup. The town went nuts. “Good show! Good show!” There were celebrations in the street and unlike America, no cars were turned over or storefronts set on fire. These people are amateurs!
At Heathrow airport, the United ticket clerk, the First Class lounge receptionist, and a flight attendant all recognized David’s name as a writer from “Cheers”. None recognized me. Which was the point of the gag our friend Dan O’Day had set up. Dan is a neighbor who happened to be on that flight. He pre-arranged the whole thing. Here’s how unusual it is for one of us to be recognized. From the first time we were suspicious.
As I write this I don’t know if it’s 6:00 tomorrow or 4:00 yesterday. But it was a jolly good trip and hopefully we’re on our way to a hit TV series. I sure hope so because I would hate to come back to London in a year and see Omid on “Celebrity Love Island”.
Cheerio…
Ken Levine
Turning to Baseball...
Hot Stove League musings:
Convict Milton Bradley for convict Urgeth Urbina.
Grady Little is a managerial candidate for the Dodgers. The man the Boston Globe said was “dumber than Jessica Simpson” might be GM Nick Colleti’s first hire. If Little had trouble deciding when to pull Pedro Martinez imagine his inner strife when Odalis Perez is on the mound.
Kim Ng would have gotten the Dodger GM job if anyone could pronounce her name.
Why hasn’t Boston gone out and hired the best GM still out there – Dan Evans?
A lot of big names have already changed teams. And the Yankees haven’t gotten any of them. Are they hoping that with enough “Red Bull” Bernie Williams could go another year?
If the Mets get closer Billy Wagner to go along with Carlos Degado they’ll have one of the best teams in baseball. And will finish second to the Braves.
And watch out for the Toronto Blue Jays. For only $47 million they got ace closer B.J. Ryan and are looking to land A.J. Burnett. Add a healthy Roy Halladay, and the rookie that all of Canada has taken to its bosom, Gustavo Chacin, and that’s some pitching staff. They’ll finish second to somebody. But a close second.
By signing Josh Beckett the Red Sox now have two World Series MVP’s…who beat the Yankees. Jesus, Boston, this obsession is bordering on Captain Ahab.
The Mets may also get Angels catcher Benjie Molina and Rafael Furcal (who’s either 19 or 28). They’ll still finish second. But even closer than the Blue Jay’s second.
Best acquisition so far: The Cardinals getting broadcaster John Rooney.
Remember when Bud (I can’t believe he’s Jewish) Selig promised a decision on the Nationals ownership would be made by last Labor Day? Now he says a decision isn’t close. Watch, after five years he’ll finally give it to some group headed by former FEMA director, Michael Brown.
Does anyone in the world care about the World Baseball Classic? It has that “Battle of the Network Superstars” feel to it, doesn’t it?
Instead of Frank Thomas breaking down in May, the White Sox now have Jim Thome to fill that role. And all it cost them was an All-Star centerfielder. Jim Thome will be the new “Big Hurt” but for a different reason.
Best name in baseball: Cocoa Crisp.
Only two more days to vote for Seattle broadcaster Dave Niehaus for the Hall of Fame.
How do you pronounce Ng???
Convict Milton Bradley for convict Urgeth Urbina.
Grady Little is a managerial candidate for the Dodgers. The man the Boston Globe said was “dumber than Jessica Simpson” might be GM Nick Colleti’s first hire. If Little had trouble deciding when to pull Pedro Martinez imagine his inner strife when Odalis Perez is on the mound.
Kim Ng would have gotten the Dodger GM job if anyone could pronounce her name.
Why hasn’t Boston gone out and hired the best GM still out there – Dan Evans?
A lot of big names have already changed teams. And the Yankees haven’t gotten any of them. Are they hoping that with enough “Red Bull” Bernie Williams could go another year?
If the Mets get closer Billy Wagner to go along with Carlos Degado they’ll have one of the best teams in baseball. And will finish second to the Braves.
And watch out for the Toronto Blue Jays. For only $47 million they got ace closer B.J. Ryan and are looking to land A.J. Burnett. Add a healthy Roy Halladay, and the rookie that all of Canada has taken to its bosom, Gustavo Chacin, and that’s some pitching staff. They’ll finish second to somebody. But a close second.
By signing Josh Beckett the Red Sox now have two World Series MVP’s…who beat the Yankees. Jesus, Boston, this obsession is bordering on Captain Ahab.
The Mets may also get Angels catcher Benjie Molina and Rafael Furcal (who’s either 19 or 28). They’ll still finish second. But even closer than the Blue Jay’s second.
Best acquisition so far: The Cardinals getting broadcaster John Rooney.
Remember when Bud (I can’t believe he’s Jewish) Selig promised a decision on the Nationals ownership would be made by last Labor Day? Now he says a decision isn’t close. Watch, after five years he’ll finally give it to some group headed by former FEMA director, Michael Brown.
Does anyone in the world care about the World Baseball Classic? It has that “Battle of the Network Superstars” feel to it, doesn’t it?
Instead of Frank Thomas breaking down in May, the White Sox now have Jim Thome to fill that role. And all it cost them was an All-Star centerfielder. Jim Thome will be the new “Big Hurt” but for a different reason.
Best name in baseball: Cocoa Crisp.
Only two more days to vote for Seattle broadcaster Dave Niehaus for the Hall of Fame.
How do you pronounce Ng???
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