Thanks so much to everyone who commented for the 200th post (and those who haven’t are still welcome to). I’m frankly blown away. Besides having a forum to rant (like my post today) it’s a terrific bonus knowing I’m encouraging people who love writing as much as I do. You’ve also raised some great topics that I will address in the weeks to come. On to the next 200!
*******
Barry Bonds hit his 715th home run on Sunday in “Corporate Sponsor’s Name Here” Park in San Francisco, passing Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time list. Hank Aaron with 755 lifetime “big flies” holds the record. How fitting that when Bonds socked his “historic” homer his mother wasn’t there, his wife and kids weren’t there, nor were the Giants’ team owner, the so-called “commissioner of baseball” (he was probably trying on new suits deciding which one would be the most comfortable to sleep in), or Willie Mays (although in fairness, Willie did send his statue). Curiously, the mike went out on the Giants’ radio broadcast just before Dave Fleming’s call thus denying fans the chance to even hear it. (Curse of the Bambino?? Hmmmm?)
Bonds wasn’t mobbed by teammates at home plate. Only a handful of national reporters were there. Most editors realized it wasn’t worth the $12 per diem per day to justify their presence. Better to do features on fly fishing. ESPN had cancelled Bonds reality show sending the camera crew instead to cover tractor races.
In short, this was a big NON EVENT. The 100th GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW of baseball.
All because Barry Bonds is exactly as he is perceived by the public – a (San Francisco) Giant schmuck. This is a guy who, during the last baseball strike, despite making millions, asked a judge if he could reduce child support payments. It’s also a pretty good bet he took steroids. There’s a reason his head is now the size of Underdog’s in the Macy’s Day Parade.
No wonder nobody gives a shit. No one wanted him to break the record (in the same way no one wants to see Dick Cheney win a Nobel Peace Prize or P. Diddy sell more records than Elvis.) My son was only sorry Bonds didn’t hit #715 this upcoming weekend because the Giants will be playing in New York. Can you imagine? He’d be mercilessly booed, spit on, and drenched with beer – and that would just be from the security guards assigned to protect him.
And for all that, I have to say, I think Barry Bonds is the greatest hitter the game has ever seen. Better than the Babe, better than the Yankee Clipper, Stan the Man, Teddy Ballgame, or even the Rabbi of Swat.
Still, I hate him. If I was forced to say one nice thing about his personality it’s that he was always a pantload, even before he became famous. The money and fame didn’t go to his head.
Hank Aaron was hated too. But the difference is Aaron was hated for all the wrong reasons. It was his courage and character as well as his skill that allowed him to set a record I hope will forever stand. Not because of what he did but because of who he is.
And for Barry Bonds, when he inevitably is inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, I hope the only star athlete willing to introduce him is OJ Simpson.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
200th post
It's hard to believe I have 200 opinions about anything but I see that I've reached that number. I figure every hundred posts or so I should take a moment to thank everyone for logging on. You're all enablers but I appreciate it. And the number of readers continues to grow which also is very gratifying (as well as mystifying).
Like I did with my 100th post, I invite you to do the writing today. Let me know where you're from, how you came upon this site, what you'd like to see in the blog, give me shit for doing AfterMASH, whatever.
It’ll be a busy summer. I’ll be in New York and Connecticut working on a musical I co-wrote that goes into production at the Goodspeed Theatre. (THE 60’s PROJECT – get your tickets now. You’ll pay for the whole seat but will only use the edge.) Still, I will try to maintain a new entry a day. Hopefully by 300 I won’t be so bereft of ideas I’ll be posting the many rejection letters I’ve received over the years.
Thanks again. Now it’s your turn.
Ken
Like I did with my 100th post, I invite you to do the writing today. Let me know where you're from, how you came upon this site, what you'd like to see in the blog, give me shit for doing AfterMASH, whatever.
It’ll be a busy summer. I’ll be in New York and Connecticut working on a musical I co-wrote that goes into production at the Goodspeed Theatre. (THE 60’s PROJECT – get your tickets now. You’ll pay for the whole seat but will only use the edge.) Still, I will try to maintain a new entry a day. Hopefully by 300 I won’t be so bereft of ideas I’ll be posting the many rejection letters I’ve received over the years.
Thanks again. Now it’s your turn.
Ken
Sunday, May 28, 2006
For the new kids on the block
For everyone but staff writers the Memorial Day weekend is the beginning of summer. For staff writers, particularly those on comedies (there are still a few, right?), it heralds the end of summer. Usually, writing staffs go back to work right after the holiday.
If you’re on a long running show you can’t believe it’s the end of May already. Seems like only a minute ago you wrapped in March and had two and a half whole months ahead of you. Trust me, you’ll blink and be right back into production in August.
Pre production is very much like Spring Training. For the veterans it’s a leisurely time. Flexing muscles, mostly schoozing, slowly getting back into the groove. But for the new members of the staff (the rookies) it can be a maddening time as you try to fit in. And also a little intimidating. You so want to make a good impression, so want to contribute. Here are a few tips from a grizzled veteran:
Just relax. The only pressure on you is that which you put upon yourself. You’re not expected to carry the show. And most producers would prefer if you just hung back a little at first and observed. You wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think you had the chops. Start getting to know the rhythm of the room, the thought process, the way the staff attacks a story. I’m not saying if you have a great idea to not pitch it, but don’t feel obligated to knock everyone off their feet with your brilliance.
It’s a long season. You’ll have plenty of time to shine. For now, listen, learn, and laugh. There are worse ways of spending the summer.
If you’re on a long running show you can’t believe it’s the end of May already. Seems like only a minute ago you wrapped in March and had two and a half whole months ahead of you. Trust me, you’ll blink and be right back into production in August.
Pre production is very much like Spring Training. For the veterans it’s a leisurely time. Flexing muscles, mostly schoozing, slowly getting back into the groove. But for the new members of the staff (the rookies) it can be a maddening time as you try to fit in. And also a little intimidating. You so want to make a good impression, so want to contribute. Here are a few tips from a grizzled veteran:
Just relax. The only pressure on you is that which you put upon yourself. You’re not expected to carry the show. And most producers would prefer if you just hung back a little at first and observed. You wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t think you had the chops. Start getting to know the rhythm of the room, the thought process, the way the staff attacks a story. I’m not saying if you have a great idea to not pitch it, but don’t feel obligated to knock everyone off their feet with your brilliance.
It’s a long season. You’ll have plenty of time to shine. For now, listen, learn, and laugh. There are worse ways of spending the summer.
Memorial Day recommendations
Memorial Day weekend recommendations:
Stay home.
On Monday 77 WABC in New York remembers its Top 40 heritage with a day long salute complete with the music, jingles, and tapes of classic old broadcasts from the 60’s & 70’s. Remember the days of Dan Ingram and Cousin Brucie (although I never got Cousin Brucie). I’d hyperlink it for you if I wasn’t such a spaz and didn’t know how to do it. But this is the website: http://www.wabcradio.com/
And while we’re on the subject of retro radio, WNEW-FM 102.7 in New York is remembering the great dance stations and jocks of the 80’s. Notable is the return of Howard Hoffman, noon-3 EDT. This guy is GOOD!!
A fun book: MANHATTAN PROJECT by Peter Lefcourt. Lefcourt is a former TV writer turned legitimate writer. This novel is a hilarious look at where reality shows might go. Considering television has gone so far past the absurdity of NETWORK, this plot about ABC televising an Osbourne type series about an Asian warlord is not as far fetched as you’d think, or as it should be.
MY FAIR BRADY – 9 pm EDT on VH-1. The long national wait is over – there’s another Brady Bunch movie. I don’t know what it’s about but who cares? It has to be deliciously appalling. Preferably viewed while stoned.
On Monday FX has a 70’s SHOW marathon. Judging from comments on my last post about the 70’s SHOW a lot of you couldn’t give a shit, but for those like me who found that show fun and quirky here’s a heads up.
THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW is out on DVD. After the HONEYMOONERS it’s my favorite sitcom of all-time.
Stay at home.
Put out your flag.
Stay home.
On Monday 77 WABC in New York remembers its Top 40 heritage with a day long salute complete with the music, jingles, and tapes of classic old broadcasts from the 60’s & 70’s. Remember the days of Dan Ingram and Cousin Brucie (although I never got Cousin Brucie). I’d hyperlink it for you if I wasn’t such a spaz and didn’t know how to do it. But this is the website: http://www.wabcradio.com/
And while we’re on the subject of retro radio, WNEW-FM 102.7 in New York is remembering the great dance stations and jocks of the 80’s. Notable is the return of Howard Hoffman, noon-3 EDT. This guy is GOOD!!
A fun book: MANHATTAN PROJECT by Peter Lefcourt. Lefcourt is a former TV writer turned legitimate writer. This novel is a hilarious look at where reality shows might go. Considering television has gone so far past the absurdity of NETWORK, this plot about ABC televising an Osbourne type series about an Asian warlord is not as far fetched as you’d think, or as it should be.
MY FAIR BRADY – 9 pm EDT on VH-1. The long national wait is over – there’s another Brady Bunch movie. I don’t know what it’s about but who cares? It has to be deliciously appalling. Preferably viewed while stoned.
On Monday FX has a 70’s SHOW marathon. Judging from comments on my last post about the 70’s SHOW a lot of you couldn’t give a shit, but for those like me who found that show fun and quirky here’s a heads up.
THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW is out on DVD. After the HONEYMOONERS it’s my favorite sitcom of all-time.
Stay at home.
Put out your flag.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Allow yourself three hours before your flight
Memorial Day weekend is always one of the big air travel cluster fucks of the year. But the good news is it has inspired a great idea for a romantic comedy screenplay.
You know the old third act convention -- GIRL goes off to the airport to fly away for good, to marry Ralph Bellamy and ruin her life. GUY realizes he loves GIRL and rushes to the airport. Start the clock! He’s driving like a madman. She’s leisurely strolling to her gate. In the time it takes her to walk twenty yards he drives twenty miles but that’s okay, he’s on “Jack Bauer” time. He parks right in front of the terminal. Races in. She’s at the ticket counter with two people in front of her. He’s leaping over people like OJ. Just as she’s about to enter the jetway he arrives. They embrace, declare their undying love. The end.
My movie would start with GUY realizing he loves GIRL and heading off to the airport. She’s looking at the TV monitors trying to figure out which of the many concourses her gate is at.
He is stuck in terrible traffic.
She is wondering where the fuck is K-26 and how come the direction arrows say concourses A,C,G are one way, B,K, H, D another, E still a third and why there’s no F?
He’s now approaching the airport. There’s construction blocking two lanes. This is the weekend they’ve decided to repave the main thoroughfare. And just for fun, they’re backing in a cement mixer so all traffic is held.
GIRL’S flight has been delayed. It says only 15 minutes but how can that be when the plane isn’t even there yet? Could the major airline be lying???
GUY’S car is inspected after waiting at a checkpoint. The Hummer before him with a gun rack got waved right through. He’s asked to open his Kia trunk.
GIRL realizes if she wants to eat anything on the long fight she needs to buy it. So she gets in long line at the CHILI’S TOO take out stand.
He can’t leave his car unoccupied at the terminal. Only people allowed to get really close to the terminal in these terrorist prevention times are cab drivers, none of whom have first names shorter than 38 letters. GUY has to find a space in one of the parking structures. There are none.
The woman in line ahead of GIRL is asking questions about the chicken pesto wrap? Is it white meat? When was it made? The girl at the counter doesn’t speak English.
GUY parks in a handi-cap zone. Fuck it. He races for the terminal. The parking structure elevator is out of order.
GIRL begins her two mile trek to her gate.
GUY can’t get past security unless he has a ticket. He races to the ticket counter.
Oops. Gates K20-26 are in a different concourse than gates K1-25.
To avoid the long line, GUY goes to First Class desk. There are still three people ahead of him. No biggie except there is only one agent serving First Class passengers. The other line moves faster.
GIRL wanders through the maze of concourses.
GUY reaches the ticket agent. Is given flack for being in the first class line. He’ll buy a first class ticket for GIRL’S flight. Sorry. Sold out. There are no more seats on any flight to her destination. He’ll buy a ticket for ANY flight going anywhere. There’s room on the Tokyo red eye. He’ll take it. First Class only. Shit! He waits as she gets approval for his card. It’s denied. He gives her another card.
GIRL reaches her gate. Flight still delayed. Why? One rep says bad weather. Another says equipment problems. Could the major airline be lying???
Now that GUY has spent his grandmother’s inheritance on a flight he doesn’t intend to take he races to security. Another long line. People are practically stripping down to their underwear.
GIRL’S flight finally arrives. They have trouble getting the jetway to the plane. It’ll only be another few minutes. Scheduled time for her flight was ten minutes ago although the airline maintains that time still stands.
Because he’s flying one-way he’s singled out for extensive examination. He has no luggage, which is mighty suspicious. He could be hiding something. What, he wonders, if he has nothing to hide it in?
GIRL stands in long line at ticket counter.
GUY’S car is towed.
GUY is asked a series of questions. The thought here is that terrorists who would think nothing of blowing up a jumbo jet with 200 people aboard would not tell a fib to a TSA agent.
GIRL reaches the ticket agent and learns her seat is double-booked. This is the new airline policy. They fear that businessmen who book reservations cancel thereby leaving empty seats. So the policy is to double book. The solution is not just put people on stand-by for the few vacant seats. No, it’s to inconvenience those people who did dutifully make their reservations and give the airline their money way ahead of time.
Now GUY is trying to figure out where Gate K-26 is.
GIRL and the other passenger assigned to her seat play game of chicken over who will agree to take a later flight. They’re offered a voucher for a free trip anywhere in the US. GIRL knows that there are only a certain number of seats allotted for these vouchers and they’re always full. So the voucher is essentially worthless.
GUY races to her gate.
GIRL is about to step into the jetway.
GUY reaches her gate. He calls to her. She spots him. Tears in her eyes, she almost swoons when she sees him. An alert siren sounds. The terminal is being evacuated. Bomb scare. Mass confusion as everyone tries to leave. Closing music swells as they embrace and are trampled. The end.
Hopefully it’s not too sentimental. But I’m sure Nora Ephron will find just the right balance. Watch for my movie coming to a theatre near you…or maybe as part of some major airline’s in flight entertainment.
ANTICIPATED LOGIC PROBLEMS: Why don't they have cellphones and just call each other or why doesn't GUY follow her later? GUY ran out of the house so fast he forgot his cellphone. Ralph Bellamy had justice of the peace waiting with him at GIRL'S destination to perform the ceremony at the baggage carousel. All these and any logic problems will be deftly explained in the script by one of the many writers the studio gets to rewrite me...and then each other.
Happy Memorial Day weekend. Fly carefully.
You know the old third act convention -- GIRL goes off to the airport to fly away for good, to marry Ralph Bellamy and ruin her life. GUY realizes he loves GIRL and rushes to the airport. Start the clock! He’s driving like a madman. She’s leisurely strolling to her gate. In the time it takes her to walk twenty yards he drives twenty miles but that’s okay, he’s on “Jack Bauer” time. He parks right in front of the terminal. Races in. She’s at the ticket counter with two people in front of her. He’s leaping over people like OJ. Just as she’s about to enter the jetway he arrives. They embrace, declare their undying love. The end.
My movie would start with GUY realizing he loves GIRL and heading off to the airport. She’s looking at the TV monitors trying to figure out which of the many concourses her gate is at.
He is stuck in terrible traffic.
She is wondering where the fuck is K-26 and how come the direction arrows say concourses A,C,G are one way, B,K, H, D another, E still a third and why there’s no F?
He’s now approaching the airport. There’s construction blocking two lanes. This is the weekend they’ve decided to repave the main thoroughfare. And just for fun, they’re backing in a cement mixer so all traffic is held.
GIRL’S flight has been delayed. It says only 15 minutes but how can that be when the plane isn’t even there yet? Could the major airline be lying???
GUY’S car is inspected after waiting at a checkpoint. The Hummer before him with a gun rack got waved right through. He’s asked to open his Kia trunk.
GIRL realizes if she wants to eat anything on the long fight she needs to buy it. So she gets in long line at the CHILI’S TOO take out stand.
He can’t leave his car unoccupied at the terminal. Only people allowed to get really close to the terminal in these terrorist prevention times are cab drivers, none of whom have first names shorter than 38 letters. GUY has to find a space in one of the parking structures. There are none.
The woman in line ahead of GIRL is asking questions about the chicken pesto wrap? Is it white meat? When was it made? The girl at the counter doesn’t speak English.
GUY parks in a handi-cap zone. Fuck it. He races for the terminal. The parking structure elevator is out of order.
GIRL begins her two mile trek to her gate.
GUY can’t get past security unless he has a ticket. He races to the ticket counter.
Oops. Gates K20-26 are in a different concourse than gates K1-25.
To avoid the long line, GUY goes to First Class desk. There are still three people ahead of him. No biggie except there is only one agent serving First Class passengers. The other line moves faster.
GIRL wanders through the maze of concourses.
GUY reaches the ticket agent. Is given flack for being in the first class line. He’ll buy a first class ticket for GIRL’S flight. Sorry. Sold out. There are no more seats on any flight to her destination. He’ll buy a ticket for ANY flight going anywhere. There’s room on the Tokyo red eye. He’ll take it. First Class only. Shit! He waits as she gets approval for his card. It’s denied. He gives her another card.
GIRL reaches her gate. Flight still delayed. Why? One rep says bad weather. Another says equipment problems. Could the major airline be lying???
Now that GUY has spent his grandmother’s inheritance on a flight he doesn’t intend to take he races to security. Another long line. People are practically stripping down to their underwear.
GIRL’S flight finally arrives. They have trouble getting the jetway to the plane. It’ll only be another few minutes. Scheduled time for her flight was ten minutes ago although the airline maintains that time still stands.
Because he’s flying one-way he’s singled out for extensive examination. He has no luggage, which is mighty suspicious. He could be hiding something. What, he wonders, if he has nothing to hide it in?
GIRL stands in long line at ticket counter.
GUY’S car is towed.
GUY is asked a series of questions. The thought here is that terrorists who would think nothing of blowing up a jumbo jet with 200 people aboard would not tell a fib to a TSA agent.
GIRL reaches the ticket agent and learns her seat is double-booked. This is the new airline policy. They fear that businessmen who book reservations cancel thereby leaving empty seats. So the policy is to double book. The solution is not just put people on stand-by for the few vacant seats. No, it’s to inconvenience those people who did dutifully make their reservations and give the airline their money way ahead of time.
Now GUY is trying to figure out where Gate K-26 is.
GIRL and the other passenger assigned to her seat play game of chicken over who will agree to take a later flight. They’re offered a voucher for a free trip anywhere in the US. GIRL knows that there are only a certain number of seats allotted for these vouchers and they’re always full. So the voucher is essentially worthless.
GUY races to her gate.
GIRL is about to step into the jetway.
GUY reaches her gate. He calls to her. She spots him. Tears in her eyes, she almost swoons when she sees him. An alert siren sounds. The terminal is being evacuated. Bomb scare. Mass confusion as everyone tries to leave. Closing music swells as they embrace and are trampled. The end.
Hopefully it’s not too sentimental. But I’m sure Nora Ephron will find just the right balance. Watch for my movie coming to a theatre near you…or maybe as part of some major airline’s in flight entertainment.
ANTICIPATED LOGIC PROBLEMS: Why don't they have cellphones and just call each other or why doesn't GUY follow her later? GUY ran out of the house so fast he forgot his cellphone. Ralph Bellamy had justice of the peace waiting with him at GIRL'S destination to perform the ceremony at the baggage carousel. All these and any logic problems will be deftly explained in the script by one of the many writers the studio gets to rewrite me...and then each other.
Happy Memorial Day weekend. Fly carefully.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Season finale thoughts
As May sweeps and the current television season ends, here are some unsolicited and highly opinionated thoughts on some finales:
24 – One of the better seasons. Great villains. Chloe didn’t die. (Neither did Kim but there’s always next year) Jack Bauer firmly established himself as this generation’s James Bond. But considering how many people perished along the way this season, if a nuclear warhead had hit San Francisco the death toll would still be less.
WILL & GRACE – the NBC promo department really cranked up the maudlin meter. Oh, the sadness. Like saying goodbye to a cherished member of the family. Come on! It’s WILL & GRACE. Every year we see the same promos for that year’s exiting cash cow. And the same schmaltzy shots of the cast crying and hugging. But it’s not MASH and it’s not CHEERS and it’s not SEINFELD. The country didn’t stop because the WILL & GRACE finale was on. And they won’t when ACCORDING TO JIM goes off either.
AMERICAN IDOL – Poor Kathryn. Not that she lost to America’s new puppy, that was a given. But her hometown reception the week before was pathetic. Sure Taylor and Elliott come from small towns where to draw a huge crowd one need only wave a Confederate flag while Kathryn hails from Southern California where you can’t swing a dead cat and not hit a cast member of ER, but still, she deserved better than fifty kids showing up for what was probably a mandatory assembly in the gym. They gave a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame to Winnie the Pooh. Kathryn received the turnout for a supermarket opening.
PRISON BREAK – finally! They broke! Hopefully, Michael will drop his pants and we see he has a tattoo of the New York City subway map on his legs. (If any network would like to do the reality show version of this show just put cameras in Richard Hatch and Michelle Rodriguez’s cells).
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – Disappointing second season. But help may be on the way. A noted FRASIER writer is joining the writing staff. Expect the show to be wittier, pithier, and with far more dinner parties.
SURVIVOR – yawn.
THE APPRENTICE -- I always Tivo and fast forward through commercials. And since this show is now just an hour long excuse for product placement I find myself fast forwarding through the whole show. So yawn.
WEST WING – If everyone talked just a little slower they could still get two more years out of the same number of scripts. I loved the idea of building a show around a smart compassionate U.S. president. Aaron Sorkin created a wonderful fairy tale.
ALIAS – Everyone on that show has gone on to better things. Jennifer Garner now has to play her most dangerous alias ever – Ben Affleck’s wife.
THE 70’s SHOW – Deserved more fanfare than it received. Fox’s best live action sitcom ever. Destined to be a mainstay paired with HAPPY DAYS on TV LAND.
LOST – Best show on network TV. A master class in storytelling. But now that the season is over what will ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY do if it can’t devote at least one issue a month to ridiculous predictions and dissection of the clues? And their Oscar speculation issue doesn’t hit the stands till mid June.
CSI – They’ll never top last year’s finale written and directed by Quentin Tarentino. Next year maybe get Spielberg to do it. He can have Grissom and the gang to prove there was a holocaust.
TODAY SHOW – Katie leaving IS a big deal. It IS like saying goodbye to a member of the family. End of an era and all that. I’m sure her farewell show will end with a touching bittersweet montage – Katie clowning, Katie on assignment in a war zone, Katie interviewing Cruise. Wouldn’t it be great if it ended with her colonoscopy?
The summer is here. Oh God. That means BIG BROTHER.
24 – One of the better seasons. Great villains. Chloe didn’t die. (Neither did Kim but there’s always next year) Jack Bauer firmly established himself as this generation’s James Bond. But considering how many people perished along the way this season, if a nuclear warhead had hit San Francisco the death toll would still be less.
WILL & GRACE – the NBC promo department really cranked up the maudlin meter. Oh, the sadness. Like saying goodbye to a cherished member of the family. Come on! It’s WILL & GRACE. Every year we see the same promos for that year’s exiting cash cow. And the same schmaltzy shots of the cast crying and hugging. But it’s not MASH and it’s not CHEERS and it’s not SEINFELD. The country didn’t stop because the WILL & GRACE finale was on. And they won’t when ACCORDING TO JIM goes off either.
AMERICAN IDOL – Poor Kathryn. Not that she lost to America’s new puppy, that was a given. But her hometown reception the week before was pathetic. Sure Taylor and Elliott come from small towns where to draw a huge crowd one need only wave a Confederate flag while Kathryn hails from Southern California where you can’t swing a dead cat and not hit a cast member of ER, but still, she deserved better than fifty kids showing up for what was probably a mandatory assembly in the gym. They gave a fucking star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame to Winnie the Pooh. Kathryn received the turnout for a supermarket opening.
PRISON BREAK – finally! They broke! Hopefully, Michael will drop his pants and we see he has a tattoo of the New York City subway map on his legs. (If any network would like to do the reality show version of this show just put cameras in Richard Hatch and Michelle Rodriguez’s cells).
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – Disappointing second season. But help may be on the way. A noted FRASIER writer is joining the writing staff. Expect the show to be wittier, pithier, and with far more dinner parties.
SURVIVOR – yawn.
THE APPRENTICE -- I always Tivo and fast forward through commercials. And since this show is now just an hour long excuse for product placement I find myself fast forwarding through the whole show. So yawn.
WEST WING – If everyone talked just a little slower they could still get two more years out of the same number of scripts. I loved the idea of building a show around a smart compassionate U.S. president. Aaron Sorkin created a wonderful fairy tale.
ALIAS – Everyone on that show has gone on to better things. Jennifer Garner now has to play her most dangerous alias ever – Ben Affleck’s wife.
THE 70’s SHOW – Deserved more fanfare than it received. Fox’s best live action sitcom ever. Destined to be a mainstay paired with HAPPY DAYS on TV LAND.
LOST – Best show on network TV. A master class in storytelling. But now that the season is over what will ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY do if it can’t devote at least one issue a month to ridiculous predictions and dissection of the clues? And their Oscar speculation issue doesn’t hit the stands till mid June.
CSI – They’ll never top last year’s finale written and directed by Quentin Tarentino. Next year maybe get Spielberg to do it. He can have Grissom and the gang to prove there was a holocaust.
TODAY SHOW – Katie leaving IS a big deal. It IS like saying goodbye to a member of the family. End of an era and all that. I’m sure her farewell show will end with a touching bittersweet montage – Katie clowning, Katie on assignment in a war zone, Katie interviewing Cruise. Wouldn’t it be great if it ended with her colonoscopy?
The summer is here. Oh God. That means BIG BROTHER.
American Idol Finale review
I can’t imagine watching the AMERICAN IDOL finale without Tivo. That would be like having cavities filled without Novocain. 1:58:30 of fill and then the big announcement that everyone in the world expected.
Of course Taylor Hicks won. He’s goofy, slightly addled, has grey hair, and can be a complete embarrassment. It worked for our President.
“Soul Patrol! Whooo!” “Iraq Attack! Whoooo!”
If Clay isn’t gay why is he looking more and more like Peggy Fleming? What’s with the bob?
I hate Paris Bennett. Like I once said, her future will be playing Gary Coleman in the road company of AVENUE Q.
Kathryn looked petrified singing with Meatloaf. It’s hard to do a duet with a man you think is Hannibal Lector.
PUCK & PICKLER – The genius of Kellie Pickler is that she IS that stupid. Why isn’t she co-hosting THE VIEW?
And Kellie is a Mensa member compared to Paula.
The “I am Woman” medley was missing something. I know. Clay.
I loved that they did a tribute to Burt Bacharach. But they never once mentioned his lyricists, notably Hal David. I mean, the man did write “What’s new pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh”.
Dionne Warwicke has had a LOT of work done. At one time she used to sing from her diaphragm. Now she sings from her throat…because that’s where her diaphragm is.
Wouldn’t you love it if the song Chris sang in the Bacharach medley was “the Blob”?
Elliott did a great job with “House is not a home”. Not easy because it’s an idiotic song. “A chair is still a chair, even when there’s no one sitting there”. Hard to sing that with sincerity if you have an IQ higher than Kellie’s. (Again, a tip of the hat to lyricist Had David.)
Prince now looks like a Dionne Warwicke impersonator. (I bet Ryan Seacrest asked him backstage for the name of his plastic surgeon.) Face work and hair dye won’t fool anybody. He partied like he was 99.
Tamayra Gray was really put out to pasture. Reporting only once from the Kathryn McPhee rally of seventeen people with four homemade posters.
Where was Rubin Studdard and Fantasia? They couldn’t take one night off from singing the National Anthem at the Toledo Mud Hen game to come on the show?
Mandissa should have stayed in the competition longer. Or even won.
64.4 million votes they said. More than has ever voted for an President. But in AMERICAN IDOL’S case (and George Bush’s) people were allowed to vote more than once.
Whenever they cut away to a Fox star I automatically said “who??”
Thank you, Ace for not going into your icky falsetto. He wanted to. While singing “If you get caught between the moon and New York City” he almost involuntarily blurted out “Sherry, Sherry baby!”
At least Paul Anka wasn’t on the show. Although for a moment I thought he was. Turned out it was just that girl with the ungodly tan.
Highlight of the show was Kathryn singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. If Clay wasn’t gay before that performance put him over the top. It was so moving Ace has come out of the closet.
Highlight #2: Crazy Dave falling off the stage. Only thing that spoiled it was that he wasn’t knocked unconscious.
What was that Carrie Underwood song? “Jesus has car jacked my Jeep?”
Start filling those stadiums, kids. Open auditions for AMERICAN IDOL 6 begin in just a couple of months. Start dying your hair grey and choking on escargot.
Of course Taylor Hicks won. He’s goofy, slightly addled, has grey hair, and can be a complete embarrassment. It worked for our President.
“Soul Patrol! Whooo!” “Iraq Attack! Whoooo!”
If Clay isn’t gay why is he looking more and more like Peggy Fleming? What’s with the bob?
I hate Paris Bennett. Like I once said, her future will be playing Gary Coleman in the road company of AVENUE Q.
Kathryn looked petrified singing with Meatloaf. It’s hard to do a duet with a man you think is Hannibal Lector.
PUCK & PICKLER – The genius of Kellie Pickler is that she IS that stupid. Why isn’t she co-hosting THE VIEW?
And Kellie is a Mensa member compared to Paula.
The “I am Woman” medley was missing something. I know. Clay.
I loved that they did a tribute to Burt Bacharach. But they never once mentioned his lyricists, notably Hal David. I mean, the man did write “What’s new pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh”.
Dionne Warwicke has had a LOT of work done. At one time she used to sing from her diaphragm. Now she sings from her throat…because that’s where her diaphragm is.
Wouldn’t you love it if the song Chris sang in the Bacharach medley was “the Blob”?
Elliott did a great job with “House is not a home”. Not easy because it’s an idiotic song. “A chair is still a chair, even when there’s no one sitting there”. Hard to sing that with sincerity if you have an IQ higher than Kellie’s. (Again, a tip of the hat to lyricist Had David.)
Prince now looks like a Dionne Warwicke impersonator. (I bet Ryan Seacrest asked him backstage for the name of his plastic surgeon.) Face work and hair dye won’t fool anybody. He partied like he was 99.
Tamayra Gray was really put out to pasture. Reporting only once from the Kathryn McPhee rally of seventeen people with four homemade posters.
Where was Rubin Studdard and Fantasia? They couldn’t take one night off from singing the National Anthem at the Toledo Mud Hen game to come on the show?
Mandissa should have stayed in the competition longer. Or even won.
64.4 million votes they said. More than has ever voted for an President. But in AMERICAN IDOL’S case (and George Bush’s) people were allowed to vote more than once.
Whenever they cut away to a Fox star I automatically said “who??”
Thank you, Ace for not going into your icky falsetto. He wanted to. While singing “If you get caught between the moon and New York City” he almost involuntarily blurted out “Sherry, Sherry baby!”
At least Paul Anka wasn’t on the show. Although for a moment I thought he was. Turned out it was just that girl with the ungodly tan.
Highlight of the show was Kathryn singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. If Clay wasn’t gay before that performance put him over the top. It was so moving Ace has come out of the closet.
Highlight #2: Crazy Dave falling off the stage. Only thing that spoiled it was that he wasn’t knocked unconscious.
What was that Carrie Underwood song? “Jesus has car jacked my Jeep?”
Start filling those stadiums, kids. Open auditions for AMERICAN IDOL 6 begin in just a couple of months. Start dying your hair grey and choking on escargot.
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