Early Oscar buzz

It’s the beginning of November and that of course means the beginning of the Oscar watch. Oscar campaigns are more important than the movies themselves. Strategists agree that the single best exposure is through a mention on this blog. So I URGE all studios to send me DVD’s of any film you feel should be under consideration. And SHORTBUS. I’m curious but not enough to pay to see it.

The LA TIMES has already begun handicapping these contenders…even though many of them have yet to be released. So I might as weigh in too, considering I have no more credibility than they do. And a couple of these movies I've actually seen.

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BABEL – Brad Pitt may finally get that Oscar he deserved for TROY. Older voters might be put off by its violence and lack of musical numbers.

BLOOD DIAMOND – Leonardo DiCaprio, action, and a political message. But may be too entertaining. Voters can’t have that.

BOBBY – Studio marketing checked first and determined Bobby is the favorite of the Kennedy brothers among voters so the movie was greenlit. Lots of stars to add to the prestige like Harry Belafonte, Heather Graham, Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan, and Sharon Stone. There’s concern that they’ll cancel each other out for Best Supporting noms.

CATCH A FIRE -- According to the LA TIMES – “voters like real struggles against Third World oppression.” Maybe that’s why JACKASS TWO has been genrally overlooked.

THE DEPARTED – Scorsese's not taking any chances. His next film is about real struggles against Third World oppression. Not sure Martin deserves it for this. Seems his single directing note throughout was: “Jack, bigger!!”

DREAMGIRLS – Musical starring Beyonce. Voters have been assured there’s no hip-hop. Billed at RAY meets CHICAGO. But it could be THE BODYGUARD meets THE PRODUCERS.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHER – No one’s going to see it and Clint won last time. Will get nominations because voters like America but no shot.

THE GOOD GERMAN – Usually academy members like movies about bad Germans. But it's got George Clooney and voters approve of his acceptance speeches so don't count him out.

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND – Forest Whittaker is so convincing as Idi Amin voters may be afraid of him. Should not only win the Oscar but they should throw in an Emmy for his work on THE SHIELD.

LITTLE CHILDREN – Kate Winslett gets a nom for sure and Jack Earle Haley as the creepy pedophile will get a Best Supporting nod or at least join the cast of PRISON BREAK.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE – A well-written intelligent comedy that was a boxoffice sleeper hit? Why even bother? Same movie but set in Afghanistan and now you're talking tuxedos.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS – Feels like Will Smith’s desperate attempt at an Oscar. Sorry, Will. You shoulda played Idi. Maybe there's a Sam Cooke bio script out there for you for next year.

THE QUEEN – Helen Mirren is the new Judi Densch.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS – Possible nominations only to fill out categories. Tepid reviews and boxoffice. However, voters may reward director Ryan Murphy (NIP/TUCK) for not having the Carver included in this movie.

VENUS – Peter O’Toole is Oscar’s Susan Lucci. Younger voters may say “who is Peter O’Toole”? Older voters may say, "Jesus, do I look that old, too?"

WORLD TRADE CENTER – Academy members hate Oliver Stone. Or maybe it’s just me.

And my guess is the movie I will like more than any other this year is none of these. It’s BORAT.

Mid-week misc-takes

Thanks to those websites who linked to my Aaron Sorkin parody. For you new readers, what you’ll find here are humor pieces, inside industry stuff, anecdotes, advice to writers, goofy travelogues, award show reviews, script samples, and once every five years a political piece.

A couple more prime time game shows are premiering, cutting out even more slots for scripted shows. I think in the next WGA contract they should insist that writers be contestants so at least we can win our money for the year.

The NBA season begins. I think they should just give each team 100 points and let them play for five minutes. As it is now there are 82 exhibition games until the playoffs.

On whatever the OUTDOOR NETWORK is now called there is a great show where BBQ chefs compete for $75,000. You can almost feel the grease coming out of your TV screen. One of the events is having them cook unfamiliar dishes. These good ol’ boys are stymied. “Lobster? Wha’ the fuck is lobster?” Then you see them flip it around and around looking for the ass to shove a jalapeño pepper in.

Rumors abound that STUDIO 60 will soon be cancelled. Darn. And I was so looking forward to that full page ad in the trades: “For your consideration: Sarah Paulson, best actress in a comedy.”

PRISON BREAK: Michael sets up this elaborate system of clues that even the Navajos couldn’t decipher to rendezvous with Sarah and he expects her to be there? I might’ve just sent a text message. But then, if my brother were on death row and I knew the floor plan of the prison, instead of going to prison myself to spring him I might merely phone and say, “Okay, bro, there’s a passageway under the laundry room. That takes you to a vent near the chapel. Climb up that vent for fifty feet then turn right…” etc.

HEROES: Save the cheerleader, save the network.

Note to movie theaters: Okay, I surrender. You can play commercials. Just don’t show the CATCH A FIRE trailer ever again. I’ve seen it sixty-five times. Please. I’ll even sit through the “Movie Fone” ad.

No comedy writer should be without the SGT. BILKO box set. The episode where Bilko gets a monkey processed and sworn into the army is worth the price of the DVD’s alone.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! To the greatest show on earth! If there’s anyone who loves a circus more than kids, Twyla Tharp thinks it’s aged baby boomers. Her new Broadway show, THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’, the juke box musical of Bob Dylan hits (or, as my daughter Annie calls the genre – a “re-usical”) is inexplicably set under the big top. I guess the jugglers and the clowns will do their tricks for you. I despise circuses anyway (sad clowns are even worse than the CATCH A FIRE trailer) so I can’t imagine anything more horrible. To sit through this, truly, everybody must get stoned.

I love Elizabeth Mitchell. Even if she’s an “other”. To join the cast of LOST do you now have to take a breathalyzer test?

Fox is preparing a TSA action-drama, focusing on those brave men and women who make you put your computer in a separate bin.

I just saw ten minutes of MARIE ANTOINETTE (I ducked into another theater during a certain trailer) so it’s not really fair to comment. But what I saw looked like Romy & Michele with wigs.

Keith Urban checked himself into a substance abuse treatment center four months after marrying Nicole Kidman. Draw your own conclusions.

And finally…can you believe it’s November already??

Happy Halloween

I must admit I never got into those slasher movies. Seems to me they’re all the same story. The popular kids who were too good to ever go out with you in high school all frolic off to a cabin for some holiday and some disfigured skeesix in a goalie’s mask terrorizes and one-by-one graphically slices them up. Yes, it’s grizzly and horrible but isn’t that sorta what they deserve? Would it kill them to agree to dance with us just once??

Then there’s a sequel where the ones that survived go BACK to the cabin. You’d think maybe they’d hit the MTV beach house the next winter break instead?

And there’s always the backstory explaining how the psychopath became a killer…such as he was a bed wetter or flunked out of Benhinana Chef school.

I have what I believe is a great idea for a slasher movie. I’m sharing it because I’ve had it registered (in other words, you can’t steal it!!!). But it seems to me the key to this genre is creating a truly terrifying slasher. My idea is to hire Gordon from SESAME STREET as the psychopath. Can you imagine how disturbing THAT would be to anyone who grew up with that show?

“You didn’t eat your vegetables!” “AAAAAAAA!!!” Slice! Hack!

“Can you spell ‘help’?” “H-E-L-AAAAAAAAAAA!!” Stab! Slit!

“One of these limbs is not like the others!” Chop!

“Today I’m brought to you by the letters D.O.A.!!”

I can hear the screams now. Freddie and Jason and Chucky, eat (or cut) your hearts out. Plus, I’ve got the sequel all storyboarded. Only this time it’s Maria.

Happy Halloween, kids.

Goodbye Radar

A reader asked me about the “Goodbye Radar” episodes of MASH. They were the last MASH scripts my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. We wanted to title the show “Goodbye Levine & Isaacs” but CBS nixed it.

The episode was originally scheduled to wrap up season seven but the network worked out a deal with Burghoff to come back season eight for six shows and do the finale as a two-parter during November sweeps. We left the series after season seven as well but agreed to return to write the two-parter.

The first problem was that this decision to push back the finale was made at the last second so we had to scramble for that final episode of season seven. David and I wrote “Night at Rosie’s” over a weekend and it began filming the next day.

When it finally came time to film “Goodbye Radar” Gary decided he didn’t want to wear his hat. This became a big issue and remains a sore spot with me to this day. Our contention was that without the hat he no longer looked like a kid, he looked like a balding man rocketing into middle age. Also, for reasons I still can’t fathom, he chose to play the character somewhat angry throughout.

Trivia note: in the show he hooks up with a future girlfriend. We named her Patty Haven, one of my former girlfriends.

Overall, I was pretty pleased with the final result. Charles Dubin’s direction really elevated it.

The one thing David and I wanted to avoid was a lot of schmaltz. We did not want long gooey farewell speeches with a lot of crying and hugging. So we devised a story where choppers arrived with injured patients just as Radar had to leave. Farewells were delivered on the run. And this is how we ended the show:

FADE IN

EXT. COMPOUND – NIGHT

Tired and sullen, Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. (still in bloody surgical garb) EXIT. O.R. and head towards “The Swamp”.

POTTER
Pierce, you were a good boy in there. You only threw one instrument, and two tantrums.

HAWKEYE
Well, the finger’s improved. It’s up to excruciating.

B.J.
(looking up) Warm night. Maybe I’ll take a walk and unwind.

HAWKEYE
Sounds relaxing. I’ll get a couple of flashlights. You can look for minefields, I’ll check for snipers. (beat) Where do you think he is now?

POTTER
Doesn’t matter. He’s away from here.

B.J.
I really miss the kid, you know?

POTTER
Yeah.

HAWKEYE
I’m going to name my first wife after him.

They reach “The Swamp”.

B.J.
Well, I’ve walked enough.

HAWKEYE
Me too. Let’s see if the bar is open in this place.

CUT TO;

INT. “THE SWAMP” – NIGHT

Potter, Hawkeye, and B.J. ENTER.

B.J.
He’s probably halfway to Hawaii by now.

B.J. flops on his cot. Hawkeye is at the still, fixing three drinks.

HAWKEYE
(yawning) I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Potter stops, looking down at Hawkeye’s bunk.

POTTER
Hey, boys…

B.J./HAWKEYE
Yeah? What?

CLOSE ON HAWKEYE’S BUNK

Lying on his pillow is Radar’s teddy bear.

BACK TO SCENE

Touched, Potter picks up the teddy bear, hands it to Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE
(to teddy bear) Good-bye, Radar.

FADE OUT

THE END

A brief comment on this weekend's post

I rarely use this blog as a political forum. I am anything but a wonk. Earlier this year I filled in for Stephanie Miller on her radio show and just immersing myself in current events for two days was enough to send me screaming for a Xanex. But I do try to stay topical and we are nearing a big election.

It saddens me to think there are readers who will discontinue coming to this blog because I don't agree with their political beliefs but so be it I guess.

Although I'd feel better if you left because you thought I wasn't funny.

Onwards and sidewards. A new post on MASH is upcoming.

Joe Esterhaus action figure

Was at a newsstand last night and happened to glance through Scr(i)pt Magazine. One feature in particular caught my eye. I think it was called NEW VOICES. They must’ve selected the three most pretentious new writers who were lucky enough to sell a script and profile them.

Each answered a series of questions. What writing quirks did they have? One had to write when the sun was down (and I assume could not have a cross in the room) . Another couldn’t work unless he played a song that fit the mood of the scene he was working on. What? No deprivation tanks or a Joe Esterhaus action figure in your pants???

For upcoming projects most were just rewriting their current project or putting together exciting new things (i.e. they had nothing). One said he was trying to attract actors for his “amazing must-read other screenplays.” As Woody Allen said in ANNIE HALL, “what I wouldn’t give for a large sock of horse manure.”

Finally, they had the audacity to give advice to writers – based on their eleven minutes in the business. That’s like Kellie Pickler giving a master class in singing.

One rookie scribe offered that writing is a marathon not a sprint. (Gee, never heard THAT one before). Another said writing was a mountain not a plateau and that writers had to continue to strive to learn. Which Learning Annex Writing Seminar teaches clichés?

GIMME A BREAK!

If I may offer some advice, and granted I’m not a hot new voice – I would suggest that writing is a very humbling exercise. And the minute you think you’ve got it down, the instant you think you’re the “Prince of the City” – BAM!!! You are in for a fall. A BIG fall. I would love to read a follow up on these three guys in five years… after they’ve been rewritten, had four “amazing must-read” specs that didn’t sell, done the tenth rewrite of the sizzling screenplay they sold last month, and applied for a teaching position at a middle school.

If you’re an aspiring writer and do sell your first script. Congratulations. That’s fabulous. Enjoy it. But instead of viewing it as validation of your own brilliance, appreciate that this is just the start and your longevity will depend on your continuing to grow, luck, relationships, and keeping some perspective.

I guess I can kiss goodbye any feature article about myself in Scr(i)pt Magazine. Oh well, writing is a mountain not a plateau.

The end of the World...series

This is the most depressing weekend of the year. The end of baseball and the end of Daylight Savings Time. I hate it when it gets dark at 2 in the afternoon.

And now for my weekend post – something REALLY controversial. Again, a reminder, when you write your angry hate comments on this upcoming piece, include your name.

Here are my World Series final thoughts:

When Jeff Weaver wins the clinching game of the Fall Classic you know we’re living in a world gone mad.

If the Tigers weren’t so young and inexperienced I’d wonder if we didn’t have another Black Sox scandal brewing. (And still I’d like to know who Tony Soprano had money on.) It was staggering how many errors the Tigers made, not to mention baserunning blunders, and inept hitting. Far from a championship team, they looked like a fat man’s picnic out there.

And they STILL beat the Yankees.

Now I know why the A’s fired their manager after being swept by this bunch.

Was there ever a more boring World Series? When “Schmootzgate” is the big story, you know you’re not seeing one for the ages.

Hope you got the chance to hear Jon Miller’s play-by-play on ESPN radio. He made the World Series sound, well…exciting even.

Did you ever think the Cardinals would win a World Series where Pujols batted .200?

Joe Buck on TV was his usual excellent self. And even on those very rare occasions when Tim McCarver made a good point (when he didn’t have the wrong score or was misidentifying a player) he repeated himself six or seven times until you still wanted to kill him anyway.

“Now it counts” – that big All-Star win for the American League giving them homefield advantage really was important.

I-Rod had a World Series worthy of A-Rod.

I loved the sign at Busch Stadium “Clone Suppan”.

So typical. the network showing series stars in the stands. Of course, since it’s Fox, the biggest star I saw was the crazed guy who plays Tea Bag on PRISON BREAK.

Maybe fielding practice for pitchers should not be exclusive to Spring Training.

With all the rainouts I was kinda hoping for a World Series/Superbowl doubleheader.

In victory or defeat, Jim Leyland is the classiest manager in baseball.

David Eckstein was a worthy MVP… although a case could be made for Yadier Molina.

Doesn’t it seem like one of the Molina brothers is always in the World Series?

Tiger fans can take great comfort in knowing Kenny Rogers WOULD have won the sixth game if there was one.

MLB is selling DVD’s of this year’s World Series. Biggest seller should be the rainout night when Fox showed a WAR AT HOME marathon.

Commissioner Bud Selig called this World Series a remarkable end to a remarkable season. Bud, that champagne is for spraying, not drinking.

How many days until pitchers and catchers report?