Goodbye Haley Scarnato, hello Karina Smirnoff

So long, Haley. If only you had the number to vote for you printed on the front of your hot pants Tuesday night you still might be alive. Now it’s on to Playboy magazine and the continuation of your singing career.

After attending the AMERICAN IDOL live taping Tuesday we wandered next door to DANCING WITH THE STARS to see if I could find my CHEERS buddy John Ratzenberger and give him shit.

Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to see Paulina Porizkova. I figured if I told her I almost got hepatitis at the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit party and almost died she might not look through me when I spoke to her. Unfortunately she had been voted off. I suspect ten years of therapy will be needed to overcome this rejection.

DWTS had just wrapped and the stars were being interviewed by the media when we arrived. Alas, Ratz was nowhere to be found. Heather Mills was table hopping (I just couldn’t resist). And I did see Cliff Clavin’s partner, Edyta Sliwinska. I wanted to say I was a friend of John Ratzenberger but thought she’d roll her eyes and think that was the worst come-on line EVER.

Everyone was real excited because former champion Drew Lachey was there. I figured he was somebody. Nobody dresses like Lil’ Abner if he doesn’t have to.

Leeza Gibbons looked a lot hotter than when I’d see her picking her kid up from the Paramount Day Care Center every day. I guess she had just been voted off. She answered questions in a “sad” perky way.

Since this was a reality show I kept looking for Rob & Amber.

Karina Smirnoff (pictured) looked best of all. Just smoking in person. I wanted to ask her what her former skating partner Slavik Kryklyvyy had that I didn’t other than fifteen consonants but she was too busy telling ACCESS HOLLYWOOD that dancing promotes world peace or some such shit.

Second most beautiful was judge Carrie Ann Inaba. If Paula Abdul ever checks herself into rehab or is committed I say bring Carrie Ann over.

“Y” is the letter of the day. Every contestant seems to have one (or in the case of Kryklyvyy, 4…2 in a row), including Kym Johnson.

Is Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s nickname “eye chart”?

I also didn’t see my buddy, Clyde the Glide Drexler. I directed The Glide in an episode of BROTHER’S KEEPER (to this day he still claims that appearance was his professional highlight). I can still recall the acting note I often gave him. “No, Clyde, anything but THAT.”

Not a lot of ugly people compete on this show. Arizona pitcher Randy Johnson could defy gravity and dance like Fred Astaire on walls and ceilings and Ian Ziering in a wheelchair would be hired first.

I didn’t see Brian Fortuna but I just assumed he was in Sanjaya’s dressing room.

After seeing Billy Ray Cyrus in a screenplay reading where he played the world’s leading nuclear physicist it’s hard to take him seriously. Even as a ballroom dancer.

The set was huge. It reminded me of an elegant Austrian opera house or Harrah’s Tahoe.

I was on AMERICAN IDOL

Yes, I can now say I was on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay for four nanoseconds in a crowd shot but clearly I had the “Wow” factor during those four nanoseconds.

The show is actually done at CBS Television City. So is THE PRICE IS RIGHT and it must be strange for the pages to seat audience members who didn’t have oxygen tanks.

All cellphones and pagers are confiscated at the door. You only get them back if you promise not to vote for Sanjaya.

Once seated, pages come around with paper caps making us spit out our gum. Fifty people chew with their mouths open and it ruins it for the rest of us.

I was right! The cast from DRIVE was there. And maybe Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter. It sorta looked like her but they sat her way in the back behind the teleprompter. How the mighty have fallen when Sanjaya’s sister gets a better seat.

We were sitting right behind Sanjaya’s sister. In person she’s very hot… and still looks more masculine than him.

Wisely, there are no monitors. The audience has to watch the show not themselves. That was fine for everyone but the cast of DRIVE.

First off, a warm-up guy who looks like Lou Costello in a bowling shirt comes out and whips the audience into an absolute frenzy by giving away one T-shirt. Judging by this group, the only item that would have excited them more was a Scooter Pie.

The theme was Latin night… I think. It is so LOUD in there. Either Latin or Manhattan. You have no sense of the singers’ vocals. But there is an energy being there that more than makes up for it. I hear the same is true on THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Jennifer Lopez giving singing tips is like Eddie Griffith giving driving tips.

But at least she didn’t mentor the girls on how to choose a boyfriend.

I talked my wife out of bringing a banner that read: “HEY JEWS! YOU CAN NOW EAT BREAD AGAIN!!”

You can’t help but be impressed by how polished the show’s production is. Clearly these folks have it down.

And Ryan Seacrest makes it look easy. Fifty years from now he’ll be hosting THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Despite what Simon said, I liked Melinda Doolittle’s rendition of “Sway”. She was very Ella.

Staff members on the show say Melinda is the most supportive of all the other contestants. I’m not surprised.

LaKisha Jones looked like a 64 ounce bottle of Coke in that red and black dress. And dancing was not a terrific idea. Whenever she moved in one direction there were always parts of her that moved in at least three other different directions.

It was hard to hear Randy but so what? He says the same thing every time.

It was also hard to hear Ryan asking LaKisha that viewer question. When she mentioned her daughter, Brionne, I thought she said “Frionne” and wondered why she’d name her child after an anti-freeze.

Chris Richardson sounded MUCH better live than on TV. But Paula was up dancing and twirling and doing everything but putting him in a sack and taking him home.

How fitting that Haley would do “Turn the Beat Around” by Andrea True, a former porn star. Best part of her performance: She got up on that audience ramp and I was eye level with her crotch. I almost threw her a dollar.

Idol fact: Director Bruce Gowers also directed Queen’s famous “Bohemian Rhapsody” video.

When J-Lo said Phil Stacey gave her goose bumps I think she spoke for all of us in the audience as well. At one point in his song he got off the stool and stepped downstage. As if by reflex, everyone backed up a step. If our phones weren’t confiscated at least ten kids would’ve called their mommy to come pick them up.

When Blake Lewis sings, all you have to do is look around at the girls in the audience to see he’s a top three finalist. They all have that Paula Abdul drool.

Simon is smooth. During a break a blonde in a brown top asked him what he thought was the sexiest thing in a woman? He said, “A blonde in a brown top.” I’m sure Paula thought he was talking about her, not realizing that she isn’t a blonde.

I thought Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night. Her joy is just infectious. I applaud her for not having castanets just as I applaud LaKisha for not wearing a Carmen Miranda hat.

When Ryan introduced Sanjaya I was right behind him on camera and was all ready to cry and everything but at the last second got blocked out by a Sanjaya sign.

Sanjaya should have been wearing a Carmen Miranda hat. I don’t think he’s washed his hair since Brian Dunkleman left the show.

But he was not the worst of the night. And for that fact alone, my wife and I can say we were at the most memorable AMERICAN IDOL show of the year. They’ll be talking about it all summer.

Thanks to M & P for getting us in.

After the show I went in search of the page to get my gum back.

Boycott THE CARTOON NETWORK

I am now officially boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. I tried to watch an episode of FAMILY GUY recently and every two minutes they’d obliterate the screen with an animated blob or cartoon flames to promo something called the Aqua Teen Movie (pictured above). It would last for fifteen interminable seconds. Forget how infuriating it is to the viewers. For the writers and creative staff behind FAMILY GUY it was incredibly insulting.

To those Cartoon Network geniuses who okayed this deplorable practice, how would you like it if during an important phone call Joan Rivers came on the line every two minutes and started screaming in your ear? Or you’d be driving down the street and every two minutes a bucket of paint was splashed onto your windshield?

And as if the animated intrusions weren’t distracting enough, they were showing this Aqua Teen Movie in a tiny box in the bottom of the screen. It looked like a bad pixel on your computer screen, just annoying enough to make you want to take a bat to your TV.

Where does this clutter end? Between crawls, logo meatballs, running scores, promos, peacocks, TV-MA boxes, the Aflac duck, and time & temperatures, watching the actual show is like playing Where’s Waldo? So to help you out in that department, networks also flash “You are watching” announcements.

Step one is boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. If you want to see FUTURAMA or POKEMON they’re available on DVD. Let’s send them and other offenders a message.

Now if only there was a way to send them that message every two minutes.

Oh...and while I'm ranting and sending messages and getting real worked up over the truly important issues of our day, let's organize a million man march to stop this insidious network practice of splitting the screen during closing credits so the people who kill themselves to make a good show have their names reduced to the size of microfilm. I'm sure I could get all of the people whose names have been shrunk to participate but I can't read them.

I will be attending AMERICAN IDOL tonight along with whatever Fox star they're shamelessly trying to pimp. Probably one of those skeesix from DRIVE. My report will follow.

Fire walking, balloon animals & THE SITCOM ROOM

An acting class recently asked to use one of my failed (I mean, “unsold”) pilots in their workshop. As a writer it’s always fun to see your words come to life (even if it opens up old wounds). And this group did a great job. They all gave me their headshots and I hope to be able to use some of them in the future.

When I scan through headshots and actors’ resumes my eyes always drift first to the “special skills” section. The skills considered “special” always amuse me. From this batch come these:

Stuttering, loves to travel, can impersonate Tom Waits, lisping, great with kids, dual citizenship (that takes talent), rollerblading, swimming, can say the alphabet backwards, CPR, stick fighting, weightlifting, good with pit bulls, elementary school teacher, rapper, United States Army Reserve, snowboarding – 3 years, hula, reflexology, pistols, valid U.S. passport, fire walking, back packing, balloon animals, some French, smoke rings, pilates, spinning, clowning, can ride a camel, accent: North Hollywood.

I wish them all great success. I’d hate to think that that fire walking training or reverse alphabet reciting class would be all for naught.

*******
Had to add this. Saw it in the Sunday LA TIMES.

The archbishop of Chicago, Cardinal Francis George, was hospitalized with a slight hip fracture Saturday morning after he apparently slipped and fell on some holy water.

Not to wish ill on anybody but this is the kind of headline that would lead to hours of one-liners in a sitcom writing room.

And speaking of the SITCOM ROOM ...

Her's an update:

We’re moving forward. This will be a two day workshop that will simulate the experience of actually being in a writing room. It’ll be a cross between a seminar/workshop and comedy writing fantasy camp. More details here.

The dates: Saturday/Sunday, July 21 –22

The place: Los Angeles. I've managed to secure a very good site -- really convenient for anyone
flying into L.A. and with a set-up that is especially well-suited to a
Sitcom Room atmosphere.

Limited to just 15 attendees, so I can give personal coaching to everyone.

All the details will be available on a new website within the next week or so -- along with an online registration form.

For update information first just drop me a line. sitcomroom@gmail.com

Hope to see you in L.A. in July!

Proof of evolution

Another great opening title sequence. From the SIMPSONS. Can't wait for the movie.

A tribute to MASH

The MASH theme, written for the movie by Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman is called "Suicide is Painless". Although sung in the film, the TV series made a conscious decision to never feature the lyrics. However, in this lovely tribute to the show, the words are included.

Personally, I love the lyrics. What do you think?

My bitter-sweet Lord

What? They’re canceling the chocolate Jesus exhibit at the prestigious Roger Smith Hotel in New York? Outraged Catholics including Cardinal Edward Egan were appalled. Organizers were surprised that a nude, anatomically correct sculpture made in chocolate of Jesus Christ might be considered offensive to some. I guess their reasoning is when it’s okay to display a statue of former heavyweight champ, Buster Douglas in butter at the Ohio State Fair, what’s the difference?

My question is: the artist, Cosimo Cavallaro, and creative director of the gallery at the hotel, Matt Semler (who quit in protest) are SURPRISED by this reaction? If Willy Wonka became a Born Again he’d be smart enough not to do this. There’s a reason you never see chopped liver sculptures of Jesus at Catholic weddings. Or a candy shop at the Vatican. It’s so clearly off-the-charts predictable that this stunt would cause some flack.

On the other hand…is this publicity exactly what they want? I mean, if the Roger Smith Hotel unveiled a statue of me, nude, anatomically correct (or at least enhanced) in chocolate I don’t even think my wife would come. George Clooney? They might have a tough time getting his permission. (I’d be honored so I’m a good get.) But the point is -- do something wacky, anything wacky and you can expect media attention these days.

And the end result: You know the Jesus statue will appear somewhere. And it will draw crowds. Probably in a mall... as part of their Easter Spring Sale Celebration. In the meantime, chocolate bunnies are still okay... although marshmellow bunnies are borderline bad taste.

Happy Easter.