What it's like to win an Emmy

A reader asked for some Emmy stories. Here's what happened when I was fortunate enough to win one. And it puts winning in perspective.

You're in the audience suffering through the show. Finally it's your category. You wake up. The envelope is ripped open, your name is read, you can’t believe it, and you race up to the stage. You stand at the podium.

What’s going through your mind at a monumental moment like this? For me, honestly, I thought of all the assholes I went through basic training with in the army who thought I was such a fuck up. I was hoping they were watching and having heart attacks from shock. I was also aware that everyone in the audience was glaring at me. I saw the red light of the camera, knew that yes, this was my one big moment on national television. But I also knew that if I didn’t get the hell off quick – I mean REAL quick -- millions of people I didn’t know were going to hate my guts.

So I rushed through my prepared speech, thanked my wife, son, and I think Drill Sgt. Miller then was led off.

Backstage, we took photos with your presenters. In our case, Arthur & Kathryn Murray. Who knew they were even still alive? Then we were led from one interview room to the next. National TV, national radio, local press, national press, foreign press, magazines, food product surveys, I dunno. Light bulbs flashing. Questions coming from all sides. Microphones shoved in my face. And after a few minutes we’re ushered into the next room because the next winners are breathing down our necks. We were in a daze. We just went where they told us. Finally we were told to go through “that door”. We did. It closed and locked behind us.

And we found ourselves outside. In the alley. Next to the garbage dump, surrounded by buzzing flies. In our tuxedos, holding our shiny new Emmys. What the fuck?! We banged on the door to get back in. Nothing. We walked along the side of the building, trying other doors. All closed. I thought of maybe using the Emmy to jimmy one of the locks. No dice. It took us fifteen minutes to finally get back into the hall.

Which more than matched the fifteen minutes of fame.

TOMORROW: My review of the last SOPRANOS and the TONY AWARDS.

Working with Tony Randall

Glad to see there was such a positive reaction to THE ODD COUPLE. My first staff job was on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, done for ABC in 1976. In that show he played a judge in Philadelphia. It was produced by MTM and we had quite a writing staff. The creators/showrunners were Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who had run the brilliant BOB NEWHART SHOW), Gary David Goldberg (created FAMILY TIES and BROOKLYN BRIDGE), Hugh Wilson (created WKRP and had a long feature directing career), and me and my partner, David Isaacs were the two young schleppers. That was it. No consultants. Just the six of us.

David and I were originally signed to write a freelance episode and from that we got invited to join the staff. Production was well underway when we came aboard. At our first table read Tony stood up with an announcement. He had just been to England during a hiatus and informed us that the British sitcoms were so far superior to ours. There was no contest. American sitcoms were shit. Then he sat back down and we had the reading of the decidedly American script David and I had just written. I thought our staff career was going to last one day.

But happily he liked the script… and us. At the time I was single, bringing dates to filmings (hoping that might help me get lucky) and after the show I would always introduce them to Tony. He would praise me to the heavens, how they couldn’t do the show without me, etc. All total bullshit but the girls were impressed. Say what you will about Tony Randall, he was the best Wing Man I’ve ever had.

He was also the consummate professional. Not only did he know all of his lines, he knew everyone else’s too. And he rarely went up on a line during filmings. When he did he would turn to the audience and quip, “Well at least I didn’t say ‘shit’.” And that would send them into hysterics.

He never ad libbed during our show but I too heard the stories that on THE ODD COUPLE he and Jack would sometimes be given scenes to improvise. I believe it. Tony was that gifted.

I loved working with Tony Randall. Of course it helped that he thought I was funny and that I didn’t smoke.

The ODD COUPLE DVD

The first season of THE ODD COUPLE is now out on DVD. Included is a bonus track from series creators Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson. Jerry passed away recently and it was good to hear his voice again. In typical Belson style, he talked about wanting to do a joke where Oscar found a framed picture of Hitler with Felix. Hitler was thanking him for getting the German command so clean. Needless to say it never got in. We learn on the track that this ia a joke that Marshall-Belson had wanted to do as far back as THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, where Laura would discover a framed photo of Hitler with Rob. Can you imagine the "Ohhh Robbbb!!" from THAT scene??

I always loved THE ODD COUPLE but especially after the first season. Year one was done single camera, and all subsequent seasons were multi-camera in front of a live audience. The shows got funnier and the actors’ performances got brighter playing off a live crowd. Like Belson says on the track, "with a live audience you have to really make sure the joke is funny. With single-camera there were times you'd say 'yeah, that's fine' but you knew it wasn't."

In the debate between single camera (the current rage) vs. multi-camera there have been a few instances where a sitcom has switched from one to the other. And although multi-camera is soooo passé today, when you take the Pepsi Challenge, the multi-camera shows do tend to be the preferred choice.

I’m just saying.

A few years after THE ODD COUPLE was cancelled ABC reprised the series with Ron Glass and Demond Wilson, using some of the same scripts -- prompting a noted comedy writer to say, "If that's what they're doing, why don't they save money and just show the negatives?"

TOMORROW: Working with Tony Randall.

Staffing season

Now that the networks have announced their fall schedules and have done their dog and pony shows for disinterested advertisers who are only at the upfronts announcements for the booze and to ogle Lena Headey, star of THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES (hence the sad excuse for the picture).

IT’S STAFFING SEASON!!!!

When a showrunner hears from the network that his pilot is not being picked up, his typical reaction is “Oh shit!” If he hears that it is getting a pick up, his reaction is also “Oh shit!” Because now he has to make the show. First order of business is putting together a staff and crew. Showrunners will get calls from agents they’ve never met, climbing on the phone and saying “Hey, guy, how was your weekend?” Like they give a shit how your weekend was. Submissions will be arriving by the truckload.

MAKE SURE YOUR SPEC IS ONE OF THEM.

You’ve slaved away for months. You’ve given it to people you trust and have revised and polished it. You’ve wisely taken out that ten page dream sequence and major battle scene. Now you’re ready.

A couple of things to remember: Readers WANT to like your script. You may only get five or six pages to grab them but they’re desperately looking for the next great writer. Even if there are 500 scripts in the pile, if yours is good it’s going to be recognized. So make sure it’s in that pile.

If you have ANY connections, now is the time to use them. Call in favors. Reconnect with your estranged father. Email your former fiancée who you caught sleeping with your estranged father if her new boyfriend is in the biz. Drop the lawsuit against her even if she’ll make a call on your behalf. So what if it’s humiliating? You’re a writer. Get used to humiliation.

If you can get an agent, even a shitty agent, get him. As long as the agent is a WGA signatory you’re in business. It doesn’t matter that he’s currently renting Philip Marlowe’s old office and his last successful client wrote for MR. PEEPERS. You can do the legwork yourself. Print a bunch of copies of your spec, get his office to stamp them, then send them out yourself.

In some cases being with a small agency can be a plus because if you’re with WMA you know your agent has bigger clients he’s going to push first. That said, if WMA will take you on, thank the Gods and take it.

Check to see if any studios will accept unsolicited scripts.

And finally, send your script to EVERY show you can. Don’t be picky. Send it to network shows, C/W, cable shows, Disney Channel shows, the Cartoon Network – anybody.

The goal is to get noticed. The goal is to impress. The goal is to get hired.

New writers will get their first break this staffing season. New writers will get discovered. Why not you??

Now get on that pile!!!

Spiderman 3 and the Ken Levine watch test

No spoiler alert necessary!

I saw SPIDERMAN 3 recently. Okay, I hated it but that’s not the point of this post. Fifteen drawn out subplots to explore the same well-worn themes. Between Spiderman swooping in to save the day and Aunt May swooping in to give Sunday school lessons (“good is better than bad, Peter”), I was crushingly bored…even during the action sequences. How many times have we now seen superheroes battle it out at night in Times Square? Buses flying, windows shattering, fireballs exploding in the streets… and all the while a crowd of people watching. Aren’t New Yorkers supposed to have street smarts? Don’t you think maybe they’d RUN FOR THEIR FUCKING LIVES?! Mothers with their cute little tykes standing in the middle of harm’s way watching 200 foot monsters throw the ESPN Fun Zone into Central Park. Apparently the citizens of Metropolis and Gotham City are equally stupid.

But I digress.

The way I rate a movie is by what time I first check my watch.

If I can go the whole movie without checking once, that’s a great movie. And if it’s a three-hour movie, then it’s a classic. Then it’s THE GODFATHER.

Let’s say the movie starts at 8:00.

If I can go until 9:00 then I’m reasonably entertained. The second act is starting to drag but that second act is every writer’s boulder up the hill.

But if I’m glancing at my wrist, it’s 9:00, and Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler have just met then I know I’m in trouble.

If I think it’s 9:00 when I check and it’s only 8:30 then I’m really screwed. My wife has roped me into another Anthony Minghelia movie.

And if I hit that little light button and it’s 8:15, the next time I look at my watch it’ll be at 8:30 at Starbucks.

With PEARL HARBOR I didn’t get through the opening credits.

My SPIDERMAN 3 time checks: 8:30, 9:00, 9:15, 9:35, 10:00, 10:03. 10:04. 10:05. 10:15. 10:15:30, 10:15:45.

Don’t waste your time.

The Simple Life goes to camp

It’s now day three of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. She turned herself in after attending the MTV awards. How bad were the afterparties when jail was the preferred alternative? Like me, I hope you all have yellow ribbons tied to the old oak trees that must be in front of all your homes and apartments.

I wonder how this will compare to “camp”.

In case you haven’t seen it, there’s a new season of THE SIMPLE LIFE on the E! network. And if the premiere is any indication, it should be the best season ever. Since they’re now on episode two, if you missed the lid lifter, let me get you caught up.

First off, Paris and Nicole Richie finally kissed and made up. They met for lunch at a restaurant. It was like…so…weird. Paris brought a peace offering – a pair of sunglasses that made Nicole look like Spiderman. She was touched and really liked them. Paris said, “I know. I have such good taste.” Meanwhile, I kept waiting to see if Nicole was actually going to take a bite.

So with hatchets firmly buried, the stage was set for a new edition of THE SIMPLE LIFE.

This time they’re off to be “camp counselors”. The jolly camp director welcomed them and introduced two male counselors, both good looking guys. Awkward introductions then Paris put the lads at ease by asking, “Do you both have boners?” I swear, I’m not making this up.

Of course there was the obligatory scene of them being repulsed by the conditions, the skuzzy mattresses, lack of privacy, etc. I’m guessing the same scenario played out in jail Sunday night except Paris’ roommate wasn’t named Nicole, she was named Spike.

Then an old school bus pulled in depositing seven morbidly obese “campers”, no one under 350 pounds. This was a fat camp. Nicole Richie in a fat camp. You think I’m making this up but I’m not.

The surprises continue. The head of the program appears – Susan Powter. Remember her? The scary chick with the blond buzz cut who was on every informercial in the 90’s. The Tasmanian Devil of Diet. Now her hair is longer, her face is scarier, and her voice is deeper – approaching Darth Vader country. But she still has that gung ho energy that made me so nervous I wanted to eat an entire pie.

The campers have to dump all of the junk food they packed into a crate. From suitcases and duffel bags come enough cookies, chips, candy, soda, cheese whiz, and Twinkies to stock a large 7/11 or a small Costco. Susan puts the crate in a refrigerator, wraps a thick chain around it, padlocks it, and holds onto the key. Do you want to be the one to take it from her? Not me.

Nicole has a deep heart-to-heart with the campers, explaining that she doesn’t have an eating disorder. Three campers eye her hungrily. I fear for Nicole’s life by episode five.

Now comes Paris & Nicole’s first task. They have to help give the campers enemas. I SWEAR I’m not making this up! I’m not!

The campers lie on their sides and the girls have to lube and insert the tubes up uh, you-know-where. Never losing her sense of humor, Nicole is asked by one camper how big the tube is to which she replies, “the same size as your boyfriend.” We see the reaction of the campers during the application (“WHOOAAAAAAA!) and then follow them to an outhouse with walls that come up to their shoulders. A few of the campers are having trouble doing their er, business and Paris is there to encourage them, saying things like, “plop plop”. One of the guys seemed so thankful.

Reality television has officially hit an all-time low.

That night the campers were all given astronaut portions of healthy food for dinner and Susan Powter turned in, probably to hike in the dark and wrestle a coyote. The campers longed for their junk food. And responsible counselors that Nicole & Paris are, they decided to break into the refrigerator. But it wasn’t easy. It was out in a shed with that pesky padlock. Always resourceful, Paris came up with a plan. They stole the camp director’s truck, and tied the end of the chain to the trailer hitch. The thought here was to drive off and the chain would snap. Brilliant! Except…

The chain didn’t snap. The truck ripped the fridge out of the shed and dragged it bouncing and banging around the campgrounds. Whatever Fritos were inside now had to be dust. Sure enough, they made too much noise. The camp director busted them, threatening to call the police if they ever touched his truck again. Ultimately, is that what Paris is in for? She tried again to break into a refrigerator filled with Ding Dongs?

Okay, you’re now up to date. THE SIMPLE LIFE is probably on seventeen times every day. Grab a snack, and pull up a chair. It’ll help get you through those long days until Paris is free again.

I'M BACK!!!

I had been locked out of my blog for four days because robots looking for spam erroneously flagged this blog. And there was no tech support to call and no way to alert my readers. It's back now but I've got a backup site now because if this ever happens again I'm moving. So just for your files, if I disappear again for any length of time, you can reach me here.

Again, thanks for your patience.

And here's my actual post for the day:

Networks love stunt casting. Getting stars and celebrities to guest on your show…especially during sweeps does increase ratings. There have been some classic ones – Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt on FRIENDS (good chance you won’t see him on a reunion show), heavyweight boxer Sonny Liston and opera diva Marilyn Horne on THE ODD COUPLE, Madonna on WILL & GRACE, and of course Frank Sinatra on the SOUPY SALES SHOW. One of the toughest “gets” was always Johnny Carson. The King of Late Night rarely guested on sitcoms. Yet amazingly he did agree to do a CHEERS.

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote the episode (called “Heeeeeeere’s Cliffy!”). The premise: Cliff’s ultimate goal in life was to have Johnny Carson read one of his jokes during a monologue. The man reached for the stars! Alas, his endless submissions kept getting rejected. Finally, as a goof, Norm intercepts one and turns it into an acceptance letter. Things get out of hand when Cliff flies to Burbank to be in the audience the night of his big triumph. And he brings his mother. Norm must tag along for damage control.

Norm bribes the cue card guy to include Cliff’s joke. Johnny reads it in his monologue, it bombs, Cliff stands up and corrects his delivery. He winds up in custody while mom ends up on the couch with Johnny.

Come on. It could happen!

We wrote the script, sent it to Carson, who approved it. We arranged to film it right after a TONIGHT SHOW taping. The audience was asked if they’d like to stay for an extra half hour and be on CHEERS. Nice folks that they were, they were willing to make that sacrifice.

The crew and I arrived at the studio at 3 (my partner was out of town). The TONIGHT SHOW taped from 5:30 – 6:30. I introduced myself to Mr. Carson and said I’d be happy to make any adjustments he would like. He said, no, he thought the script was great. He’d do it just as written. I almost fainted.

During the TONIGHT SHOW taping I sat in the green room and kibitzed for an hour with that night’s guest – Elizabeth Taylor. She could not have been more approachable and fun. It was almost surreal to be chatting about life with Elizabeth Taylor.

After the taping, director Jim Burrows set up our four cameras and blocked the scenes. Not only is Jimmy the best multi-camera director, he’s also the fastest. All of this rather complicated stuff was accomplished in fifteen minutes in front of the audience. Indy Pit Crews could learn a thing or two from Jim Burrows.

We had hoped to also get Ed McMahon but he wasn’t interested in sticking around (a whole half hour) so I wrote him out. Guess he had to get to that Budweiser.

Now the filming began. Four film cameras were positioned on the stage. I was standing next to one, essentially between the curtain and the band. Jimmy calls action, the band (right behind me) struck up the familiar theme and Johnny Carson steps through the curtains. He’s maybe five feet from me. He begins delivering our monologue. This was maybe a month before his final TONIGHT SHOW so I knew this was a precious experience that would never come again.

We tried to write jokes that would get solid laughs so that when Johnny got to Cliff’s it would be noticeably bad. Much to my sheer delight, our jokes worked. The King of Late Night was getting laughs doing our material. This was more surreal than Elizabeth Taylor asking me which Disneyland ride was my favorite.

The scene played great. We shot it a couple of times. And Johnny was the ultimate professional. Happy to do re-takes, whatever we needed. So often legends and idols disappoint if and when you actually meet them but the reverse was true here. I wound more even more in awe of Johnny Carson.

After we wrapped I got a picture sitting at Johnny’s desk interviewing John Ratzenberger.

Woody Allen made a movie called ZELIG where he played a normal guy who somehow managed to mingle with every important figure of his day.

Well, Zelig had nothing on me, certainly that night – a night that will live in my memory forever…and hopefully in reruns.

Hey-ohhhh!