Will Reilly and Silverman save Fox and NBC?

As I wing to Seattle, television critics from around the country are flying to Los Angeles for the annual Television Critics Association convention. For the next couple of weeks they will be subjected to endless press conferences from networks and creative teams hyping their new shows. By the time they get to the CW they should all be ready to hang themselves.

Not that it’s a bed of roses for the creative teams, sitting on the stage facing a room full of world-weary TV reporters who just spent an hour hearing how CAVEMAN will be the new savior of comedy.

Usually there are one or two themes that emerge each year. Last year it was Katie Couric and STUDIO 60. It’s always grins & giggles to predict what the themes will be.

My guess is Kevin Reilly and Ben Silverman will be the two hot topics this spin-fest.

Why did Kevin get fired from NBC? Is he bitter? Does he still believe in STUDIO 60? How much money is he making? Is Jeff Zucker really the Hannibal Lector of television? What does Kevin plan to do at Fox? Reunited with FX alum, Peter Ligouri does this mean more shows like THE SHIELD and reruns of SPIN CITY four times a day? Might STUDIO 60 now appear on Fox? Is it okay to pet on the first date? Would he have renewed PRISON BREAK? Is it true fifteen bloggers knew about his firing before he did? And one of them was a quilt club in Sweden? Can we expect more great fare like THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE and GREASE: YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I WANT from Kev? Is Jeff Zucker’s template for work conditions “Hostel”? Is Kevin trying to get Aaron Sorkin to take over TIL’ DEATH? Taking HEROES off the air for two months and killing NBC’s only breakout hit – was that his idea or Zucker’s? AMERICAN IDOL is slipping. How does Kevin plan to fix it? The World Series numbers are down. How does Kevin plan on fixing baseball? What was the name of the guy he replaced at Fox again?

And from Ben Silverman (right), they’ll want to know: Is he really the next Brandon Tartikoff (left)? What will he do differently from Kevin? Has he read Brandon Tartikoff’s book? When Ben says he’s going to “sexy up” NBC, does that mean LAW & ORDER: SORORITY CRACKDOWN? Had he ever met Brandon Tartikoff? Will he buy any show that wasn’t a hit first in Argentina or Norway? Does he know people who knew Brandon Tartikoff? Is it a conflict-of-interest to program against UGLY BETTY? What would Brandon Tartikoff program against UGLY BETTY? How much money is he making? Is he getting Brandon Tartikoff’s parking space? Can we expect him to reinvent network television by the February sweeps? Can he name Brandon Tartikoff’s kids? Is the one thing that can save sitcoms product placement? Does he have the same shirt size as Brandon Tartikoff? How much did Trump pay him to renew THE APPRENTICE? If he doesn’t know who Brandon Tartikoff is does he at least know who Warren Littlefield is?

Answers to all these questions will appear in your local morning papers along with in-depth interviews with the models from DEAL OR NO DEAL.

Beisball been veddy good to me*

*an old SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE reference. Garrett Morris as Chico Escuela, former ballplayer and... you had to be there I guess.

Baseball is in the air. The All-Star game is Tuesday. Home field advantage for the winning league hangs in the balance although no one gives a shit, especially the players. The Giants, hosting the mid-summer classic, had to stage a big campaign to get the fans to vote for Barry Bonds. He’s soon to be the all-time home run champion and hometown fans still had to be persuaded to vote for him.

And then tomorrow I fly up to Seattle to announce for the Mariners Thursday and Friday nights. (New posts will continue. I understand they have the internet in Seattle.)

So I thought this would be a good day for a humorous baseball related post.

I learned how to announce play by play by sitting in the top deck of Dodger Stadium, up there with the drunks, the skinheads, Cub Scout troops, escaped convicts, booster clubs, Freddie Kruger, and the guy with the pinwheel hat. The players were ants. I'd be saying, "He's really got that palm ball working tonight" and couldn't even see the ball. You’d think that would be my worst broadcasting vantage point. But it wasn’t. Some of the actual press box facilities when I was a legitimate working announcer were worse.

During one spring training with the Mariners we played the Angels, who at the time were still in Palm Springs. Since they were also televising that game there was no room in the actual press box for visiting radio (us). So they set up a long table in the stands and that’s where we did the game. I’m on the air to a thirty-station radio network, sitting on the aisle, and calling a very exciting inning. Hits and double steals and rundowns. Forget that I can’t see them because the six LaKishas in front of me stand up, but as I’m calling a triple I feel a tap on my shoulder. I glance over to see a vendor with a two beers. He wants me to pass them down the row. I do, continue to call the play, and then feel a tapping on my other shoulder. I’m to pass the money along. I do, keep announcing, another tap, I have to send along the change. This was the big leagues!

When I was in the minors we played the Denver Zephyrs in Mile High Stadium (capacity 70,000, typical Zephyrs attendance: 2,000. The place was EMPTY). There was no baseball press box per se but they set us up in one of the luxury boxes. Behind us were four rows of seats…THAT THEY SOLD. We’d be calling the game and people would tell us to shut up, we were annoying them. Or they would shout and cheer loud enough to be heard on our broadcast. “Thompson, you fucking pussy! Throw a fucking strike, you piece of shit!” (If anyone actually listened to our broadcasts I just know they would have complained.)

At old Sec Taylor Stadium in Des Moines they had a huge civil defense speaker and would sound a siren half the county could hear anytime one of the Des Moines Cubs hit a home run. The speaker was right next to our booth. The first time it happened it almost blew me out of the booth. After a three game series in Des Moines, considering our pitching staff, I couldn’t hear for a week.

When I was with the Orioles we played two exhibition games at Joe Robbie Stadium (or Dolphin Stadium, whatever they call it now. It’s the “other” one besides the Orange Bowl.) This was before the Marlins (who now draw worse than the Zephyrs did), there was no baseball press box so they just put us in the football press box, a thousand miles from home plate way down the right field line. Every ball hit looked like it was going to right. You had to take your cue from the fielders. But you could be fooled. “There’s a fly ball to center field…foul.”

Later that same spring, we played two exhibition games against Boston at RFK Stadium in Washington, D.C. Same story. No baseball press box. Just a luxury box. In this case, one box for both our broadcast and the Red Sox, separated only by a flimsy riser. I could hear Boston announcer, Bob Starr as loud as I could hear myself. And so could the Baltimore listeners. All I could do was have fun with it. I’d say, “And now for the 1-1 pitch, here’s Bob Starr” then point the mic to him in time for my listeners to hear “low, ball two.” Then I decided to mess with Bob (who was a GREAT guy by the way and a good friend). Every time he called a pitch a fast ball I called it a curve. Every time he called a slider I called it a change up. Listeners don’t believe announcers can accurately call pitches anyway. This just confirmed it. I would pull these little pranks to amuse myself, and the Orioles listeners. Is it any wonder I only lasted a year there?

I feel it’s only fair to also mention the best press box I ever worked in. That would be the broadcast booth in old Tiger Stadium. It hung suspended over home plate, high enough to see the entire field, but low enough that you could actually hear players and umpires. Sure, four announcers a year were killed by foul balls but it was a small price to pay. Jon Miller of ESPN told me the first year he did games in Tiger Stadium, Oakland player, Gene Tenace fouled a pitch off his foot and was hobbling around the home plate area trying to walk it off. Jon said on the air, “Tenace is still in a lot of pain, “ and Gene looks up at the booth and yells out “Brilliant fucking deduction!”

Now that’s close!

Talk to you tomorrow from Seattle.

How many of you contestants are from out of town?

The life of an aspiring stand up comedian is a grueling one. Years of knocking around, working crappy comedy clubs, first on open mic nights before eight drunks, then being banished to “the road”. Playing towns where you’re the first Jew they’ve ever seen, waiters talking and serving during your set, hecklers, hecklers who are funnier than you, “half price beer and weapons welcome” night, retirement homes where it’s hard to hear over the oxygen tanks, endless meals at Shoneys, all for little or no pay. It’s a tremendous sacrifice with absolutely no guarantees. But if you’re good, REALLY good, and you pay your dues, catch a few breaks then maybe – just MAYBE you could grab the brass ring –

…and become the next Wink Martindale.

It seems that the new pot of gold at the end of stand-up rainbows is hosting game shows. Howie Mandel, Bob Saget, Louie Anderson, Elayne Boosler, Jeff Foxworthy, and now Drew Carey are leading contestants through bonus rounds. This is bad news for TV weathermen, disc jockeys, and Regis Philbin. Its yet another reason why we need to revive sitcoms because they’re a much better showcase for comics’ talents. Somehow I think the brilliance of Roseanne would have been lost had we known her merely as the host of THE WEAKEST LINK.

And now the TONIGHT SHOW of game shows is open – THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Rosie O’Donnell has already been contacted but turned it down (didn’t want to move to LA and be farther away from Donald Trump). I’m sure Gallagher has been calling them daily. (“How much is this smashed watermelon?”)

I’m only sorry Sam Kinison isn’t still alive. Couldn’t you just see it?

“No, you stupid bitch! $135.95 for a Hamilton Beach 4-slice toaster? Do you live in a FUCKING CAVE?! It’s $42.99. It’s a fucking toaster! It cooks up bread. How much do you pay for things? That shitty T-Shirt you’re wearing on NATIONAL TELEVISION, how much did you pay for that? $4000?! Jesus, even the dumb motherfucker next to you was only off by ten bucks and he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!”

Wait a minute. Does anybody have Lewis Black’s number?

The bottom line: if you’re a young comic coming up, don’t worry about your material, just memorize the rules for the wet T-shirt contest and never miss a chance to emcee karaoke night.

The scene that ruined VOLUNTEERS

Here's the scene that ruined the movie David and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS. Tom Hanks stars as a preppy who ducks a gambling debt by joining the Peace Corps in Thailand. We established a character (Lucille) whose English was so bad we needed subtitles. In this scene, played pretty much as written, the director made one change. He had the characters break the fourth wall and read the subtitles.

We argued that it destroyed the reality of the film. There was now no jeopardy. It became a Hope-Crosby Road Picture where the fish could talk. The director argued that it got a big laugh. Why would we want to remove a big laugh? The answer is that it destroys the movie.



Oh, and her make-up was pretty ridiculous. But that we could live with.

The lesson here is never sacrifice the integrity of your piece for the sake of a joke, no matter how funny the joke is.

Billy Wilder used to say, "Why do they remake good movies? They should remake okay movies and make them better." John Krasinski as Lawrence Bourne anyone???

Sam & Diane

After we filmed the first few episodes of CHEERS, director Jim Burrows came into the writing room and said, "Guys, our money is Sam and Diane. We've got to feature their relationship in every show. Even if the story is about something else, find a way to bring it back to those two." He was right of course. Here are a few Sam & Diane moments from the first season. Coincidentally, these are from episodes that my partner David and I wrote.

Whodaguy Hawaii is on the air

7-7-7 is the cosmic good luck premiere of WHODAGUY HAWAII, the internet radio station for anyone who loves the music, heritage, culture, and soul of the most glorious spot on earth. No less than former Vice President, Day Quayle has said, ““Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a -it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.”

Hosted by radio legend, Ron Jacobs, WHODAGUY HAWAII transports you to the islands. It's a Hawaiian vacation for your ears. Check it out.

And while you’re listening, here’s something to read: One of my family travelogues from 2005, when I began this blog. I hope Ron has as much luck and fun with his internet endeavor.

Aloha and mahalo.

Home from Hawaii where even bad news is delivered by newscasters in Aloha shirts. It was a fabulous trip with the usual Levine family foibles.

NEVER take Hawaiian Airlines. In a world a lackadaisical don’t-give-a-shit airline employees Hawaiian is the gold standard. It’s bad enough our luggage didn’t arrive with the flight. Neither did the bags for half the passengers. And this was true of EVERY Hawaiian flight. Seems they sort of put on the bags they want and hold back others. Or put bags on earlier flights and just leave them in the terminal as sort of a fun scavenger hunt. Their motto should be: “Striving to be America West”.

We went back to the Grand Wailea on Maui – picture a combination of the Bellagio and Disney’s Blizzard Beach Water Slide Park.

We have a “Mountain view” room and by “Mountain” they mean the Four Seasons next door. I can now tell you which Endeavor agents sleep late.

Quickly unpacked, leaving a drawer empty for all the coffee packets, soap, conditioners, shampoos, and pens we planned to steal. No sewing kits this year. Those bastards!!

Went to sleep after a long travel day only to discover our room is only two floors right above the Tsunami night club. Is it just me or should they consider a name change? I’d change rooms but where else am I going to hear pidgin hip hop…as it was meant to be heard -- through the floor?

Annie’s was very excited about the GAP Winter Sale. Needless to say there wasn’t a single heavy coat, ski sweater, or scarf they were out of at the Wailea GAP.

Second day there I saw a schmuck wearing a CAA T-shirt. It flashed me back to years ago at the Kahala Hilton when I saw someone else wearing one of those. Remember as a kid you would put a comic book inside a real book so the teacher thought you were reading something worthwhile? In this case, sitting around the pool, this CAA tool was reading a book hidden inside a SCRIPT.

Went to make massage reservations at the spa. Was told they were having a “big promotion”. If you use this brand of massage oil they were hawking that smells like cinnamon and vanilla you get a whole $5.00 off their $155 massage. You’d be an IDIOT not to take advantage of that deal!

I don’t think the University of Nevada (Reno) will be asked back to the Hawaiian Bowl anytime soon. This annual football classic held Christmas Eve at Aloha Stadium (capacity: 50,000) and televised nationally on ESPN is a great source of pride to the islands. Three days before the game here’s how many tickets the University of Nevada (Reno) has purchased: 75.

We wanted to drive around the island but knew that LOST star Michelle Rodriquez (pictured left) was still on the road. 108 is not just the sum total of the “numbers”, it’s her average speed.

How do they make dippindots?

Annie received a fortune that said seek professional help.

One thing I miss: dogs. There is a long quarantine for pets coming over to Hawaii. Concern for the citizens. I say let Fluffy in and keep Michelle Rodriguez locked up for six months.

My neighbor from across the street is here. It’s the only time I’ve seen her in two years.

Went to Spago’s at the Four Season with writer friends Howard & Karen. We let the kids fend for themselves. A half hour into dinner I get a call from Annie. “Hey, Dad, turn around. Look to your left.” My first thought was “what the fuck are they doing at Spago? This is going to cost me a fortune!” My second thought was “where are they?” I told Annie I didn’t see them. She said, “more to your left. We’re waving.” I still couldn’t see them. Now I’m panicking. Jesus, am I going blind? This went on for two more minutes. Finally she said, “We’re at Longhi’s, have a nice dinner”, they laughed and hung up. I love my children but they’re evil.

Went to a new restaurant called “The Place”. It was a twenty-five minute drive (four for Michelle Rodriguez). The bartender and chef are from the Four Seasons’ Spago. So are the pizza recipes. And it’s right next to the Aquarium so you know the fresh fish is FRESH.

Cabana prices have gone up to $200 a day. The most expensive shade in Hawaii. And you can make reservations a year in advance. For only $100 you can reserve cloud cover.

My wife and daughter decided to skip the bike ride to the bottom of the volcano. Instead they went to Costco.

Hard to swim laps in the “adult pool” when there are people standing in the middle of it reading paperbacks. At least they weren’t reading scripts.

Preferred reading material this year: Debby’s shirt. She has a T-shirt filled with stupid quotes our buffoon of a President actually said. Some favorites:

“People say: ‘How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?’ You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in’s house and say – ‘I love you’.

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

“We ought to make the pie higher”. “History?…we don’t know. We’ll all be dead.”

“One of the great things about books is that sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

“I’m the master of low expectations”.

And finally….”They misunderestimated me”.

A tourist was bitten by a shark 200 yards from our beach. So all beaches along the immediate coast were closed for a day…except the one that fronts the Four Seasons. Guess they figured with all the Hollywood agents there no shark would ever attack – professional courtesy.

Got in an elevator as a woman was pushing the button. She wore a baseball cap with an “L” on it. I asked what the L stood for and she said “lobby”. Do I really look THAT stupid??

The Aloha Spirit continues: at every Hawaiian airport in addition to the usual TSA inspections (take off your shoes, belt, pull out your computer, remove your pacemaker) they also feature two additional agriculture inspections (one for check-in luggage and one more at the gate for carry on). God forbid a papaya gets into the United States. The terrorists win.

And yes, we saw Santa Claus this year. This time in a golf cart tooling around the Maui airport tarmac. So that’s where he gets all his toys and goodies – from all the Hawaiian Airlines luggage that never arrives to you.

One of my favorite scenes

Here's another one of my favorite all-time scenes from a sitcom. From the PHIL SILVERS SHOW, co-written by Nat Hiken, this is the Court-Martial of Harry Speakup -- the famous trial scene where Bilko (Silvers) defends a monkey. At one point you'll see the monkey go to the phone. Silvers then ad libs a great line.



THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW is out on DVD. I can't recommend it enough.