Hey, who stole my flamingo?!

Or...my favorite pitch meeting ever.
In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

More Jack Benny or... "Now cut that out!"

By popular demand, here are a few more examples of Jack Benny's greatness.

A number of commenters mentioned the famous "Sy" routine with Mel Blanc. Notice the timing... from both Mel and Jack.



Other commenters noted his influence on Johnny Carson. Here they are together.



And finally, Jack and his violin. This is a segment of a tribute to Benny hosted by another one of his disciples, Kelsey Grammer.

Whole lotta shakin' goin' on!

Yes, we had another earthquake in Los Angeles Thursday morning. 4.5 on the Richter scale. In comparison, a 9 would be like living through a Michael Bay movie. It came around 1 a.m. I was sitting at my computer. No one else in the flirt nook felt it. Lasting about a minute, there was a rumble, jolt, then more rumbling. Since my cable didn’t go out I knew there was no damage anywhere in a two hundred mile radius. My cable almost went out the previous day because of the New York rainstorm.

I’d like to say we Angelinos get used to earthquakes and just roll with them (so to speak). But each one is unnerving. In the back of our minds we’re always thinking, “Is this the big one?” followed by, “I hope the epicenter is under Rupert Murdoch’s house.”

But we try to stay philosophical. Every locale has something. Hurricanes in Florida, floods in Iowa, tornadoes in Brooklyn, bridges in Minneapolis. We just have to press on.

Well…not all of us. During one early morning quake the local Channel 4 anchor on-camera just dove under the desk in terror. Not exactly Edward R. Murrow reporting from London with enemy bombs dropping behind him.

The night of the Whittier earthquake in 1987 (Richter rated 5.9 if you're scoring.) I went to Dodger Stadium. It was the end of the season, I was trying to make a play-by-play audition tape I could send to the minors, time was running out, and I still sucked. But as I sat there in the first row of the upper deck I thought to myself, “If there’s a big aftershock is there possibly a worse place I could be than a giant 25 year old concrete overhang hovering precariously hundreds of feet above the ground?” And worse, I blew a big inning by mis-identifying Mickey Hatcher as Teri Hatcher.

But the real terrifying quake was the one in Northridge in ’94. That one had a magnitude of 6.7 and caused $12 billion in damages (including my fallen chimney). Plus there were aftershocks for weeks, some substantial. For months, every time someone turned on an electric razor people scrambled to get under door frames.

Thank goodness for Jack Popejoy. Jack was the morning anchor on KFWB radio, the all-news station. His unflappable demeanor, reassurance, and steady reporting had a huge calming effect on a very shaken population. Heroes emerge from trying times.

Everyone who lived through the Northridge quake has a story. But here’s the funniest I’ve heard. There was a business affairs guy at Paramount who took a couple of sleeping pills and slept through the entire thing. When he awoke, all of his things were strewn about the floor. So he called the police and said he was robbed.

Oh those wacky natural disasters!

Some random ramblings because I have a short attention span today

Forget Paris Hilton. Now we have Jane Seymour! The former Bond girl/medicine woman has been charged with holding inappropriate all-night soirees in her mansion in England. Tell me this woman doesn't look like the party animal of ALL TIME!
Jane was in an episode of DHARMA & GREG that I directed and she was fine the first two days. Then I saw her and Jenna Elfman sharing a Pixie Stix and well, we know what happened to poor Jenna. She became a Scientologist. I thought Jane was going to get off scot-free but I guess not. If only I had stopped them.

I’m thinking of holding another Sitcom Room seminar sometime in the fall. If you’d like to be notified first when there are updates please click here. If you just want more info on what it’s all about, this is where you click. Either way, thanks.

The best new show in America this summer comes from England. JEKYLL on BBC America. It’s chilling, compelling, and was written by a comedy writer – Steven Moffat who also created the brilliant COUPLING. Lines like this: Mr. Hyde -- “Have you ever killed anyone? It’s like sex but there’s a winner.”

And it features Michelle Ryan (pictured above -- you can't miss her) who will play THE BIONIC WOMAN this season. Suddenly I'm looking forward to that show.

And speaking of Jolly Olde -- Ed Harris had a “hissy fit” and was detained for hours at Heathrow airport in London when they wouldn’t let him bring a small knife on the plane. Excuse me but do actors live by a different set of rules than the rest of the population of the planet? Security measures apply to all international citizens unless they starred in THE HUMAN STAIN?

Jon Miller of the Giants did a great call of Barry Bond's historic home run. It was replayed often. But only a portion was used -- just the hit itself. He had prefaced it with some great background, tying in former Giant greats and home run champions. None of that was replayed. So I suggested this should have been his call:

"There's a Ruthian drive McCovey would be proud of...it's going...just like the record of the great Hank Aaron...going...Mays in his heyday couldn't run it down...going...it's Jose Pa-GAN!!!!!"

Jon promised to call me when A-Rod gets close.

Sorry to see that Hal Fishman passed away. Hal was a local news anchor on KTLA Channel 5 in Los Angeles for over thirty years. He had a very unique approach. He just reported the news. We’ll never see his kind again.

Oh God, they just delivered a case of Pixie Stix to Jane's house.

Larry “Sideshow” Seidlin (pictured right), the wisecracking yet not-afraid-to-cry judge in the Anna Nicole case is doing a pilot for his own TV show. I love LA! If it goes, the coroner has a variety show he’ll be peddling around town.

More Jack Benny remembrances this weekend. I love you people for loving him.

The next time you watch ENTOURAGE and laugh at Ari Gold and think that character is such a funny exaggeration, just know that the real Ari (Emanuel) heads up the endeavor agency and this week they dumped 25% of their clients – writers, directors, actors. Endeavor now wishes to just represent “the best of the best”. Yeah, that Ari is a stitch!

And finally…

Telemundo’s ratings went up when it was discovered one of their anchors was having an affair with the mayor of Los Angeles. CBS is trying to get Katie Couric to sleep with Bush. It was explained to her this way: “It’s like sex but with a winner.”

Jack Benny

In the summer of 65 the Beatles were playing at the Hollywood Bowl. I had a chance to get a ticket but passed because it conflicted with another show I wanted to see more – Jack Benny was at the Sahara’s Hotel in Vegas.

Jack Benny is my comedy God. He’s been gone for over thirty years, comedy has evolved and changed since then but he remains my inspiration. And it’s hard to explain why if you’re not already familiar with him. For the most part he just stood stiffly on a stage. He rarely told jokes. He never did impressions. And yet no one could make me laugh like Jack Benny.

If the secret of comedy is timing, Jack Benny was the master. He could get a two minute sustained laugh from just a reaction – ON THE RADIO.

He started in vaudeville, hosted a top rated weekly radio program in the 30s and 40s, then moved seamlessly into television. He created a very specific persona for himself. Benny was supposedly very cheap. (In truth he was anything but.) He kept his money buried below his house in a vault with enough safeguards to keep Indiana Jones out. He was vain. Whenever asked, he claimed he was always 39. He considered himself as a virtuoso violinist although his playing sounded like a cat being tortured.

Furthermore, Benny created a whole world around him – much like SEINFELD. Wherever he went he seemed to be harassed by the same goofy characters. It was as if there was a conspiracy. His reaction to all of this, his exasperation and unflagging comic dignity made it all hysterically funny.

Unlike Robin Williams who would suck the air out of any room, Benny was extremely generous when it came to his supporting cast. Most of the time they had the big jokes and often at his expense. Even from “Rochester”, a black butler, pretty groundbreaking in those unenlightened days.

He was respectful and appreciative of his writers as well. Most stayed with him for over twenty years.

There’s one episode of his radio show that I think perfectly captures just who Jack Benny was. You’re on a bus being given a tour of Hollywood. For a half hour the driver points out various stars homes along with funny remarks and observations. Finally, 25 minutes into the program he announces, “Here is the home of Mr. Jack Benny.” Benny then says, “Driver, this is where I get off.” The next four minutes is just laughter. Jack had one line the entire show. But it was so set up by the world and the character he played.

Here are two examples of Jack Benny. The first features Frank Nelson as a department store floorwalker. Wherever Benny went he would encounter this guy.



And here's Groucho guesting on his show. At the time, Groucho hosted a weekly quiz show called YOU BET YOUR LIFE. In this sketch Benny poses as a contestant.



I made the right choice. That night at Sahara's he was sensational. No one who went to the Beatles concert could hear a note.

Hairspray

I think for my next movie project I’d like to develop a white version of THE WIZ. Movies become musicals then become movies of the musicals. Why not a movie of the movie of the musical of the movie?

Backing up one step we have HAIRSPRAY. Less warped (and delicious) than the original John Waters movie, and greater in scope than the 2002 Tony winning musical, HAIRSPRAY: the current movie is better in some cases than its predecessors and not as good in others.

Overall though, it’s infectious fun. Bouncy, catchy early 60's tunes. (Where are Bobby Rydell & Lesley Gore when we need them?) And unlike RENT, you don’t cringe when people break into song. (Of course that could be because they sing about waking up in Baltimore not getting AIDS.) What the movie lacks is the excitement of seeing it live and really getting swept up in the music. On the other hand, I saw the film at a WGA screening so I was the youngest person there by 40 years. Maybe your theater-going experience will be different.

The two big problems with adapting musicals for the bigscreen are how do you open it up, and who do you cast? Director Adam Shankman and screenwriter Leslie Dixon did a great job clearing the first hurdle. Since the piece was so stylized to begin with you have no trouble buying dance numbers in the street. It’s not like the film of WEST SIDE STORY where these bad ass gang members are all prancing around and pirouetting in urban war zones. And expanding the Allison Janney character was inspired. She stole every scene she was in.

Casting the adaptation was only partially successful. Hollywood always likes to cast movie stars instead of the Broadway performers. (So what if Natalie Wood and Audrey Hepburn can’t sing? Neither could Clint Eastwood but that didn’t stop him from crooning in PAINT YOUR WAGON.)

But with a youth oriented show, calling CAA makes sense. When they cast the RENT movie with the original off-Broadway cast they all looked 40 (which is because most probably are). Marissa Jaret Winokur, who won a Tony playing the lead, Tracy is now in her mid-30’s. Too old I'm afraid to still play 17. Even Tyne Daly decided not to apply.

Newcomer, Nikki Blonsky was terrific! You fear her future in the business will be playing wacky friends to pretty actresses not as talented but in her one starring role she shined. In general, all the kids were fine. Although, Andrew Rannells who played Link in the Broadway production I saw blew the doors off of Zach Efron.

Amanda Bynes proved it is possible to turn in a good performance without battling drug and alcohol addiction. Who knew?? And Christopher Walken was his usual superb strange self. Currently on Broadway, Jerry Mathers is playing that part. No. I’m not joking. Could you ever in a million years conceive that Beaver Cleaver and Christopher Walken would be playing the same role?

Queen Latifa was fine but not as good as Doris Troy on Broadway. And I’m told she was not as good as Mary Bond Davis who originated the role. If they made the movie today, Jennifer Hudson would play the part. Sure she’s too way young but she has an Oscar. Let's just say she's the right age for the marketing department.

I still can’t get over Clint Eastwood singing in PAINT YOUR WAGON. What were they and he thinking???

Now the bad news: John Travolta. The joke wears thin in like… a minute. And what you’re left with is a guy who can’t sing, has no real flair for comedy, and probably didn't need a fat suit. Here is where Hollywood sacrificed quality for name value. Harvey Fierstein made every line hysterical. The best you can say about John Travolta is that he's a good sport.

On the other end of the spectrum, Michelle Pheiffer was so painfully thin that I didn’t know whether to laugh at her jokes or call 911. It’s hard to enjoy a performance when you’re concerned for an actor’s safety.

But the bottom line is HAIRSPRAY is well worth seeing. Which version is up to you. Personally, I prefer the Broadway production. And after Jerry Mathers leaves maybe he'll be replaced by Don Imus.

Wait a sec -- instead of re-working THE WIZ, maybe I should focus on FROST/NIXON. First it was a TV show turned into a play and now will be a movie. I could turn the movie into a musical and then we could get another movie and maybe if we're lucky, a TV show based on the movie based on the musical based on the movie based on the play based on the TV show.

The 2007 Kenny Awards

There are so many award shows now I figured why not one more? The Kennys – my personal picks for television excellence. Granted, I don’t have the credibility of foreign waiters who decide the Golden Globes but I have even more legitimate credentials – I have a blog. Hopefully next year studios will take out ads.

So anyway, here they are, in no particular order and with no regard to what the TV Academy or anyone else recognizes – the coveted Kenny awards for 2007.

Amazingly, I notice Joan & Melissa Rivers are on my driveway interviewing my mailman. I guess they show up anytime awards are being handed out.

Best Comedy – 30 ROCK

Best Comedy I appreciate more than actually laugh at – THE OFFICE

Best Drama Cable – DEXTER

Best Drama Network – LOST

Best Drama I hear is great but never have watched – THE WIRE

Best Late Night Show – CINEMAX AFTER DARK (I like THE DAILY SHOW too but when given a choice come on, get real.)

Best Daytime Show – MASH reruns

Best Reality Show – INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT

Best Animated Show – THE SIMPSONS (Funnier than seasons 18, 13, and 11, on a par with seasons 14, 15, and 10, better than seasons 17 and 12, not as good as season 16, 1-4.)

Best Game Show Host – Pat Kiernan -- pictured left, THE WORLD SERIES OF POP CULTURE

Best behind the scenes of SNL show – 30 ROCK (A year ago this would have seemed impossible. It was STUDIO 60's to lose and they did.)

Best Actor in a Drama – Michael C. Hall as DEXTER. (A serial killer you’d be happy to go to dinner with… as long as he’s not cooking.)

Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series – Tim Daly in THE SOPRANOS (No one has given a more accurate portrayal of a screenwriter. He had an alcohol and gambling problem, got hooked up with the mob, got skulled with his “Human-itis” award and finally was shot to death. All that was missing was seeing him walk a picket line.)

Best Lead Actor in a Comedy – Alec Baldwin 30 ROCK. (He’s so good at comedy I now re-watch his dramas and laugh at those too.)

Best Lead Actress in a Comedy -- Feliticy Huffman, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. (To see how good she is, just compare her with any of those other preening hens she shares the screen with.)

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama – Michael Emerson as Ben on LOST (A mesmerizing villain. I watch him and think -- it’s what happened to “Harold” after “Maude” died.)

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy – Jenna Fischer, THE OFFICE. (See this post. I love her… but not in that creepy “ I want to download a line of her dialog and use it as my ringtone” way.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama – Jennifer Carpenter as DEXTER’S sister -- pictured left. (She’s what Holly Hunter tries to be in SAVING GRACE but you can look at her.)

Best Lead Actress in a Drama – Edie Falco, THE SOPRANOS. (Her depth, subtlety, and humanity made her the only truly sympathetic character in the series… along with maybe the hooker Tony banged in Vegas.)

Best Network News anchor – Charles Gibson, ABC (Even though he's not perky).

Best Cable News anchor – Kyra Phillips, CNN -- pictured right. (Yes, I love her but not in that creepy “I want to record her reporting a bus plunge to use as my ringtone” way.)

Best Network Sportscaster – Jon Miller, ESPN (I would watch if he were calling a Tampa Bay Devil Rays/Kansas City Royals game in September. Okay, I’d be comatose through most of it but the parts I was conscious I’d be enthralled.)

Best Series Finale – it was the show where they --