Nicole Kidman: Boxoffice death

At what point does Hollywood stop giving Nicole Kidman starring roles in movies and instead ask her to do a pilot for the Oxygen Channel? Is it all the bad plastic surgery? Lousy career advice? A complete inability to judge a script? Marriage?

Whatever it is, America has voted and they do not want to see Nicole Kidman.

Her current release, THE GOLDEN COMPASS figures to be one of the biggest bombs of the year (It’s not just Catholics. NO ONE is going to see this movie.). And it comes on the heels of MARGOT AT THE WEDDING (described by a friend as having glass in your eye for two hours), THE INVASION (taking Daniel Craig down with her), BIRTH (where she takes a bath with a ten year old), FUR (where she has to shave Big Foot), and who can forget one of the unfunniest comedies ever made, BEWITCHED?

Is she just self destructive? Did they stretch the skin too tight and it’s affecting her brain? I don’t get it. She used to be good. I saw her in person eleven years ago and thought she was the most naturally beautiful woman on the planet. She got Oscar nominations.

I’ll bet nine out of ten of you reading this are saying the same thing: It all started when she had to pretend to enjoy having sex with Tom Cruise in EYES WIDE SHUT. I would have to agree.

Get out now Katie while you can!!

Yee Haw!!!

Here's the new ride at the Texas State Fair. Okay, we have some goofy things going on in California but we don't have THIS.

Warning: expletives not deleted.

Would you put MASH on your resume?

I’m always so heartened that my MASH posts are so well received.

A few years ago 60 MINUTES did a segment on writers facing ageism (ironic since the 60 MINUTES correspondents range in age from 65-211). One industry idiot suggested that if a writer had a MASH credit he should leave it off his resume because it made him appear too old. To me that’s insane. I could not be more proud of my association with MASH and the day I take it off my resume is the day I start selling Marie Osmond dolls on QVC. (But for the record, I was 9 when I started on that show).

How many television series have books and scholarly papers written about them? Although I must admit, I’ve read these and they’re a joke. They talk about the brilliant symbolism, our deeper philosophical and empirical meanings, the clever use of the Anti-Christ, affectionate homage’s to classic literature – none of that is true. We were just looking to come up with a joke so we could go to lunch or a story beat for Radar so he’d leave us alone.

But we knew this: we had the best job in Hollywood, worked with the finest people, and it’s nice to know that 30 years later the shows are still being seen and a whole new generation is discovering them.

My guess is a lot of today’s shows will also be around in 30 years. We may be watching them on chips implanted in our heads but they’ll be there. And the writers of those shows deserve the same security and compensation that we MASH writers have enjoyed.

Keep up the fight. It’s worth it.

Another thing I’ll never take off my resume: I’m a union man.




Thanks to Tom Straw and Alexis Fancher for the strike photos.

A note to commenters

You are welcome to offer any viewpoint, even one opposing mine. But I have one rule. You must leave your name. There have been some pro-AMPTP comments, all by anonymous commenters. From now on I will delete them all.

I understand there are PR people from the AMPTP side trying to counter the negative press they've been given. One tactic is to offer comments on blogs.

So like I said, you want to argue on their behalf, fine. You can write two pages. But leave a legitimate name. Otherwise, you're gone.

I think that's fair. Even if it's not, it's my blog. But I still feel it's fair.

Thanks.

Black & blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Rocky Balboa after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.” Not that the interviewers are any better. One day Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest will look as one.

Lip enhancements are big these days. Here’s Meg Ryan (compliments of Radaronline.com) from 2001. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Bullock…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Compliments of Awfulplasticsurgery.com, here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Jack Lord, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is BOSTON LEGAL’S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

St. Nick Counter

Twas the night before Christmas…

Nick Counter (pictured: right) settles in a nice night’s sleep after six months of telling writers there’s no money or future in the internet. Suddenly, he hears a voice. He opens his eyes and sees the image of Harry Cohn. Harry explains that he’s now paying for a lifetime of greed and treating writers worse than his pets. He’s forced to walk the earth for eternity in chains and watch every Rob Schneider movie that plays anywhere in the world. This could be Nick’s fate if he doesn’t share future delivery systems.

Cohn also tells him he’ll be visited by three spirits – the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. And he can’t postpone seeing them until after he’s had a chance to caucus with studio presidents and Gavin Pallone. Harry must leave. Some stoners in Peoria are about to watch DUECE BIGELOW II.

Nick tries to go back to sleep. But the first ghost arrives. They revisit Nick’s childhood. Back to the time in the third grade when a kid talked him out of his lunch money and he vowed to take it out on writers for the rest of his life.

Then the ghost of Christmas present swings by and takes him to the home of poor Bobby Cratchit, living modestly in an apartment in Pacoima with his family of six. They’re eating a Christmas dinner of Turkey Helper but they’re happy. Bobby is hopeful that the one episode of LOST he wrote will bring in enough money through streaming and downloads to pay for his son Timmy’s private education. Tim is tiny it seems and the gangs at the public school beat the shit out of him repeatedly.

Finally, the ghost of Christmas Future makes its appearance. He shows Nick his own funeral, which is picketed.

Nick wakes up in a cold sweat. He realizes it’s not too late. He can still repent. With love and charity in his heart, Nick calls the WGA negotiating committee and says, “Okay, I’ll give you an extra eighteen cents for each internet airing after the first six weeks but that includes all foreign royalties and precludes any contributions to the health and welfare fund.”

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

God Bless us every one."

Your mid-week strike report

I understand on Monday at Sony hot girls were giving out free samples of tequila in little bottles shaped like, well…butt plugs. Judging by the shape of the bottles everyone assumed it was a gift from one of the major agencies. But apparently it was not. Thanks to Barry Wernick for the photo. Taken moments before he finished the bottle.

So on Tuesday I switched over from 20th to Sony. Alas no tequila. But more shade! There's a different vibe at Sony. At 20th it's primarily a large group marching out front in a circle. At Sony there are little pockets of picketers at each of the entrances. And the groups have settled in and have become little families. Years from now the members will hear horn honks and get nostalgic.

Wednesday I'm hitting CBS Radford. I wonder if Gary Sinese is still making homemade cookies.

Members of the negotiating committee have been going to the various picketing sites updating us on the situation and answering questions. John Bowman filled us in at 20th on Monday. It’s pretty clear the AMPTP is made up of Bond villains, Gordon Gecko, J. R. Ewing, Mr. Spacely of the JETSONS, and Henry F. Potter from IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

Looking for that perfect Christmas or Hanukah gift? How about a WGA strike T-shirt or plastic bracelet? She’ll LOVE you for it! He’ll be blown away. Get your Writers Strike Swag here.

You can tell the screenwriters from the TV writers on the picket line. TV writers all know each other, say hello, march in little groups. Screenwriters are used to being alone. You see them walking by themselves, scanning the line, desperately looking for someone they recognize… who hasn’t rewritten them.

Wednesday writers are invited to attend a Teamster Rally Against Cross Border Trucking at the Otay Mesa border crossing in San Diego. If you think Teamsters are fierce looking, you should see the staff from UGLY BETTY (pictured: left).

It’s also Diversity Picketing Day at Paramount on Melrose. You don’t have to be diverse to attend but if you could, that would be nice.

Why won’t the AMPTP accept a deal where we would share internet earnings, even small earnings, based on a percentage formula? Because that would mean they’d have to open their books. We might learn that the SIMPSONS has not been a huge loss leader all these years.

I didn't know this: If the wood post sticks out above the sign on a placard it is considered a legal weapon.

I’d say boycott the Carson Daly show but really, who the hell watches it anyway?

80% of what you hear about the strike in the media and blogs is incorrect, although I’m not sure that’s the right number.

Fox is counting on AMERICAN IDOL to get huge ratings again in January. But with Jordin Sparks being the first American Idol to have her debut album tank maybe this will be the year AI starts to show its age. And Paula can follow Kellie Pickler on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Nick Counter, the lead negotiator for the AMPTP, is doing his best to not only screw us but also his own daughter and son-in-law. They’re both members of the WGA.