Video of the Week

I've liked this song for months now. The video? Meh. But I can tolerate just about anything seasoned with Chris Martin's voice — even Kanye.

It's fun to play this in the car and hear the kids chant, "Yo-e-yo-e-yo!"

Sitcom room terms

Last day to entry Ken's Komedy Kontest. Go here. 11:59 PM PDT Monday is the deadline. A lot of GREAT ones so far. And may I just say -- some of you people are bizarre. Good luck. And now back to your regularly scheduled post.

You gotta know the lingo. Sitcom writing rooms have their own terms and expressions and if you ever plan on being in one (either by choice or force) you might want to know a few of them. This is the first in a series of posts explaining some of these terms. You’ll also be able to really impress the chicks Friday nights at Bennigan’s.

Callbacks -- Doing a joke based on something already mentioned in the scene.

Hey May – Supposedly from Carl Reiner and the old DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. It’s an act break so great that a husband yells to his wife in the kichen: “Hey, May, you gotta get in here!”

Swinging in on a rope -- A side character enters the screen, delivers a joke, then leaves. We used to do that a lot with Carla on CHEERS. Sam and Diane are having a discussion. She swings in, takes a shot at Diane, and keeps moving.

Button – Final joke of a scene.

Blow -- Same as button but sounds more “street”.

Pipe – Exposition. We had a character on ALMOST PERFECT whose basic function was to come into the room and deliver pipe. So we named her Piper.

Clam -- Overused joke.

Sheboygan – A joke too over-the-top.

B story -- A subplot. Often ensemble shows resort to these to give cast members not involved in the main story something to do in the show and keep them off the writers' backs.

Beats – events that occur in a scene.

House number -- Supposedly from the Norman Lear days. Pitching an idea or joke that’s more of an example than the actual pitch you intend to go in the script. You use it to preface your pitch. It’s a good disclaimer in case everyone in the room thinks it’s a stupid idea and you’re an idiot.

Savers -- Damage control jokes right after your real joke pitch dies a horrible death. It was Johnny Carson's best friend.

Captain Obvious -- Pointing out a problem that even the craft services guy could identify.

Grammar police -- Writers whose only contribution in rewrites is correcting grammar. You want to dangle their participle over a lake of snapping alligators.

Proofer’s Challenge – Some technicality you come across during a rewrite that’s not worth everyone’s time to settle. What food should be on the table? What was the year of that Superbowl? It’s left to the person proofing that night.

Throwing a bone -- Giving an actor a joke because he doesn’t have much to do in a scene or you don’t think he’s very good but have to service him anyway. Usually it's the actor the network forced you to take.

More terms in the next few weeks. But this should get you through the first drink at Bennigan’s.

The Traci Lords Family Show

As you continue to enter Ken's Komedy Kontest (Friday's post) here's even more incentive. This is one of the many great perks of being a writer.

Several years ago my partner and I had a pilot deal with a studio. At the time we were told that the networks were looking for “out of the box” ideas and one popular trend was to take real life personalities and create fictional shows around them. (I guess this approach worked sooo well for Bette Midler’s BETTE.) But the more outrageous the personality the better. We said to the studio executives, yeah, but can any of these people act? Guess the network geniuses (now no longer in those jobs, by the way) didn’t think of that. But we said we were willing to at least explore this area.

A few days later they called and said, “Would we be interested in developing a show around Traci Lords?” We thought, really, she wants to do a sitcom? Isn’t that a big come-down from porn? But we were told she was serious so we said, sure, we’ll take a meeting. Why not? How often do we get to meet porn stars without paying?

We cooked up a series idea that would show Traci trying to make it as a legit actress having to deal with the added baggage of her questionable past. We would see her home life, work struggles, “colorful” former co-workers – your typical sitcom world. We would call the series THE TRACI LORDS FAMILY SHOW.

So off we went to meet her, knowing full well no network in their right mind would EVER put on a Traci Lords show. Try selling that to the red states affiliates.

We met her at her manager’s office and to answer the obvious first question – she still looked pretty great. Not smoking hot but she made the transition into legal age very nicely. However, one thing was painfully apparent after two minutes – she was seriously unfunny. And yet, that didn’t stop her from LECTURING us on comedy. As we sat there dumbfounded listening to her drone on and on about what’s funny and what’s not I thought to myself, this is truly the nadir of my career.

I will say, to our credit, that we were quiet, respectful, and at no time did either of us stop her and say, “Excuse me, dear, do we tell YOU how to give a golden shower?”

Alas, we didn’t do the project. I hear she found some other writers. I guess the show didn’t sell.

Oh well. I’m sure she’s now on to procedural drama, explaining forensics to the CSI gang.

Here's a sample of what you'll win...

Entries continue for Ken’s Komedy Kontest (for details click here or scroll down to yesterday’s post). Some pretty good ones. Can you beat them?

For more incentive, here is just a sample from the AfterMASH script YOU COULD WIN!!! Dated Judy 24, 1984, written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs, complete with hard-to-find red cover. The episode is called “Trials”. Stateside Klinger is on trial for busting out of jail or something.

INT COURTROOM – DAY

Potter is on the stand. The Prosecuting Attorney stands before him. He holds a piece of paper for reference.

PROSECUTOR
Colonel Potter, you were the defendant’s company commander in Korea. Is that right?

POTTER
And never a finer soldier served under me.

PROSECUTOR
When did he first start wearing dresses?

KLINGER’S LAWYER (standing)
Objection, Your Honor. We are trying Mr. Klinger on his current problems… Not his past ones.

JUDGE (to Potter)
He wore dresses?

POTTER
Not all the time, Your Honor.

JUDGE
Objection overruled. Mr. Miller, I want to get to know this fellow.

PROSECUTOR
Colonel Potter, this habit of wearing women’s clothing, you didn’t find it odd, or disturbing?

POTTER
Well, at first I was a bit taken aback… especially the baby-dolls with the poodle slippers… but after some of the other things I saw in Korea, I was think’ about sportin’ a pinafore myself.

ANGLE ON MILDRED (Potter’s wife) and SOON-LEE (Klinger’s wife)

MILDRED
All those dresses I gave away to the church when I could have been helping our boys overseas.

SOON—LEE
It was an ugly war in so many ways.

PROSECUTOR
According to his service records, during his tour of duty, Mr. Klinger applied to you for a Section eight – i.e., a mental discharge – fifty-seven times. Why was one never granted?

KLINGER’S LAWYER (turning to Klinger)
Fifty-seven times?

KLINGER
A hundred and four, counting Colonel Blake. I loved that man.

POTTER
The boy wasn’t crazy.

PROSECUTOR
No? Then what was trying to do?

POTTER
He was just afraid. Besides, I wasn’t about to lose one of my best, most responsible corpsmen.

PROSECUTOR
He once ate a jeep.

KLINGER (jumping up)
I object! That jeep was Army property. You can’t try me for that!

JUDGE
Sit him down.

PROSECUTOR (reading further)
…Picked up by M.P.’s in the Inchon River with a rubber raft that he claimed was going to take him across the Pacific to San Francisco.

POTTER
A lesser man would have stolen that raft. He signed for it.

PROSECUTOR
He tried to set himself on fire… walked around with an imaginary camel… wet his bed… played with dolls… sent pictures of himself dressed as Rita Hayworth to seven Generals…

KLINGER’S LAWYER (to Klinger)
You didn’t?!

MULCAHY (leaning in)
He still gets a single rose from General Meachum every Flag Day.

PROSECUTOR (reading on)
…Posed as Moses… a nun... the Statue of Liberty… tried to fly out of Korea on a hang glider made of bamboo poles and canvas?

KLINGER
They never let you forget.

PROSECUTOR
Colonel Potter, didn’t you do anything to curb this unbelievable behavior?

POTTER
Yes, I did

A moment of silence.

PORSECUTOR
Well?

POTTER
I promoted him.

Mental Potholes

The good news is that I've stuck to my workout routine for a month and a half now. I haven't missed a single 5:30 a.m. traning session, no matter how much I didn't want to get up or how cold/rainy it was that day. At this point, I know that serious exercise will always make the beginning of my day better — and that each session is a step toward a healthier (OK, hotter) body. I told my husband that once I reached my goal weight, I was going to walk down our street in some little shorts and red pumps ala Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" while he rapped in the background. I think I was kidding.

Still, there are potholes along the way.

The worst thing you can do when you're making a positive lifestyle change is to compare yourself to others. Unfortunately, I have a Ph.D. in it. Now, I've gone down a dress size, and even my mom had something nice to say about my weight trend. I've been eating mindfully and healthfully, and I can see a definite difference in the way I look. Yay. Good for me.

Then I gazed upon the photo of a lovely friend (who has had two children like me) and she was rocking a bikini. She looked frickin' fantastic. In her defense, she has been fitness-minded her entire life, has to-die-for genes and will probably be the flyest woman ever to grace a retirement home in 55 years. And yet, I was torn between chaining myself to the treadmill or blowing it up. Because it struck me that, as much progress as I've made, it's going to take a lot more time and work before I enter that ZIP code.

Again, I know that has nothing to do with my fitness journey. I'm OK; you're OK, etc. Or whatever. I'm going to eat my vegetarian frozen entree now.

Ken's Komedy Kontest!!!

This is another one of my blog experiments. But one that could be very lucrative to YOU!!

In improv class this week Andy Goldberg came up with a great exercise. (Andy’s book on improv is the gold standard by the way.) He essentially gave us a MATCH GAME question. We then wrote out our answers and compared them. And I thought, “Hey, this would make a great contest!”

So here’s the challenge to you great comedy minds out there – I give you the first part of the sentence and you finish it. File your entries in the comments section. A noted Emmy winning comedy writer (not me) will pick the five finalists. (I won’t divulge who that is so that everyone who doesn’t qualify hates him/her.)

Once I announce the finalists, YOU will vote for the winner.

Enter as often as you like (within reason). They don't have to be Rated G but if the judge goes "Yikes" reading your entry you're pretty much dead. Oh, and this should go without saying but I'll say it anyway -- unless you leave a name your entry will be disqualified. "Anonymous" will not be the winner.

Deadline is 11:59 PM PDT Monday, April 14. That still gives you a day to fill out your taxes.

One final note: Please just enter the kontest and not comment on those who have. As is the case with writers rooms, writers need the freedom to pitch anything without fear of being ridiculed. And sometimes the most off-the-wall pitch is the one that hits a home run. So I have deleted a number of these non-pitches and will continue to if more appear. Come on, people. This is all in the spirit of fun.

"And what do I win?" you say, and "It better be good." Don't worry. It IS. As you know this is a BIG money blog. So I hope you’re sitting down because the winner of Ken’s Komedy Kontest will receive ...(drumroll)

A personally autographed collector’s edition script from AfterMASH!!!!! In mint condition!!!!

I know. How does he do it??

So now, with that amazing prize up for grabs, here is the sentence.

Danny had such a fear of commitment that he __________________ .

Good luck laugh meisters.

Mariah Carey is destroying the world

Oh no!

First the war, then the stock market plummets, Global Warming is shown to be real, the housing market collapses, unemployment skyrockets, and yet none of that has prepared us for the tragedy that has rocked this planet to its very core. It’s hard to even write these words without breaking down but…

Mariah Carey now has more number one singles than Elvis Presley.

The unspeakable horror!! Oh the humanity!!

At what point do we just say we can’t go on? At what point do we stop believing in God?

No matter what hardship we had to endure -- from terrorism to Ellen’s little doggie being recalled – at least we had Elvis. My father, who lived through the Depression and Chevy Chase talk show said he never thought he’d see the day.

When gas prices went to $4.00 a gallon and my children were inconsolable I took their hands and said, “Kids, it’s okay. The King has 17 number ones. No one will ever surpass him.”

Now what do I tell them?

Oh…if only…

If only “Wear My Ring Around Your Neck”, “Now and Then There’s a Fool Such as I”, “Can’t Help Falling In Love”, and “Return To Sender” hadn’t finished at number two. I blame myself. I could have bought “Return To Sender” but no, I had to give that money to Jerry's kids. Now and then there IS such a fool as I.

Radio is also at fault. Stations never gave his masterpiece “Rock-A-Hula Baby” the exposure it deserved. There’s no reason that song shouldn’t be the number one song of ALL-TIME. Or at least the official state song of Hawaii or Colorado.

And why penalize Elvis for stretching himself artistically, for challenging his audience? “Do The Clam” will live on long after “Rhapsody in Blue” fades into the mist of time.

Mariah Carey?! Who is this eighteen-year upstart? So her highest octave is two octaves higher than a normal soprano? Can she sing while doing judo moves? I think not.

Has she paid her dues? Look at her movie career. GLITTER? It is to laugh. Compare that with LIVE A LITTLE, LOVE A LITTLE, CLAMBAKE, TICKLE ME, GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!, THE TROUBLE WITH GIRLS, GIRL HAPPY, CHARRO, ROUSTABOUT, IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR, and of course HAREM SCARUM.

And how many Mariah Carey impersonators have you seen (with the exception of at least four on AMERICAN IDOL every season)?

We need the healing to begin. We as Americans need to reach down deep and draw upon that resilience that has always served us through such dire times. But we can’t do it ourselves. The psychic damage is far too great. A couple of things need to happen.

For the sake of this country and – oh let’s just say it – mankind, Mariah Carey has to retire. Sorry. She’ll find other work. She can always host a VH-1 reality show or learn a trade at the DeVry Institute.

And RCA records needs to re-release a few Elvis songs. If everyone in the United States buys copies of “Rubberneckin’”, “Kiss Me Quick”, and “Old Shep” Elvis Presley can reclaim his rightful crown (of being number three behind the Beatles and Bing Crosby) and order can once again be restored to the universe.

Can we do it? It's up to you.

Thank you and viva Las Vegas!