The WIRE & HANNAH MONTANA

Here are some Friday questions.

Ed wants to know:

If a TV show is written in a writer's room, why not simply credit all the writers who worked on that episode? For example, I think Tina Fey is as brilliant as everyone says she is, but I wouldn't mind a complete list of the writers who work on my favorite sitcom.

You've told us before that everyone else is credited with being a "producer." Why can't those who worked on the script be credited as writers?

The WGA has guidelines. Only two writers can share credit on one half hour episode. A team can count as one “writer” but let’s say a script was written by Writer A and Writer B (a team). Then payment would be 50% to Writer A and the team would split the other 50%.

When I was writing on ALMOST PERFECT there were three showrunners. When David Isaacs, Robin Schiff, and I wrote a script we had to petition the guild for permission and be paid 150% of guild minimum. So if the studio agrees to give all three writers 50% then it’s alright.

If you gave ten writers all 50% you’re paying five times the going rate for one script. That ain’t gonna happen here on planet Earth.

So to get around this staffs that room-write scripts just rotate credit. It is bullshit and makes the writing credit a joke.

All those producer credits you see – those are the writers. So they do all get credits on the show, just not for the actual work they do.

From rob!:

When working on a show like Cheers or MASH, when the show is a monstrous, rolling success, critically and financially, how much network interference was there?

did NBC and CBS think they still could give copious "notes" on each episode, or did they leave the shows alone?

Once a show becomes a huge hit the notes generally cease (although I hear AMC still managed to offer “suggestions” to Matt Weiner on MAD MEN). Showrunners will often have to meet with the network before each season to lay out their game plan for that year but after that the net tends to back off.

And it’s amazing, when a comedy is doing well in the ratings, the network suddenly LOVES everything they do. Runthroughs are laugh fests. Would the same jokes be as screamingly funny if they were losing their time slot to Telemundo shows?

The truth is once networks trust you they’re happy to leave you alone because they’ve got way too many other fires to put out.

On MASH we received zero interference from anybody. All CBS asked for was log lines for the episodes. NBC had notes the first year of CHEERS but those too disappeared as the numbers rose.

Of course network standards & practices were always ever present but that’s true with any show on any network. God knows how many “fucks” would slip into GHOST WHISPERER if S&P wasn’t around and vigilant?

Anonymous (please leave your name, guys) has a…

Follow up to the "Suite Life..." reputation question:

What if the opposite happens? Say you've already written for a network sitcom, and then Nick or Disney Channel offers you a chance to write the next "Cory In The House," is it seen as a step backward that will hurt your reputation or prospects of continuing to work in the network/cable sitcom worlds?

In this economy and marketplace? Work is work. You can class yourself right out of the business. And guess what, depending on the staff and situation, you might have ten times more fun working on a Disney show than a prestigious network vehicle. And if you have kids who watch those shows you’re a bigger hero than if you wrote THE WIRE.

Thanks for the questions. Keep ‘em coming.

The Kontest is Klosed

No more entries for the Daffy Defition Konest. I'm actually recruiting a couple of judges because narrowing down this field will be a bitch. Thanks for so many hilarious entries. Watch this space for the final five coming soon. And then you'll have the final vote.

Thanks again. You guys are great... and frankly, a little disturbing.

A new post follows in minutes.

Best Toy(s) Ever: Weebles

Third in a series
To appreciate the genius of Weebles, you need to know only one thing: They wobble, but they don't fall down. Maybe you couldn't get the damned Slinky to walk down the stairs or make Farrah roll on her little plastic skateboard, but Weebles were idiot-proof. The perfect toy. I'm guessing that many '70s stoner teens amused themselves with their younger siblings' Weeble sets.

He's bleeding. Nurse, quick! Get me the Super Glue!!

The deadline for entering the Daffy Definition Kontest in 9:00 PST Thursday. Here's where you go. An unproduced pilot can be yours!!!
New York Giants moron Paxico Burress (above) shot himself in the leg accidentally when the concealed weapon he was carrying went off during a nightclub visit. Don’t you hate it when that happens to you? But it brings to mind some of my other favorite stupid professional sports injuries.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Zoel Zumaya, sustained inflammation in his arm, causing him to miss three games of the 2008 American League Championship Series because he played too much of the video game “Guitar Hero”.

Ken Griffey Jr. once missed a game for the Seattle Mariners when he pinched himself with his protective cup.

Wade Boggs, former Red Sox (Red Sock?), injured his back while trying to put on cowboy boots. He also sustained minor injuries after his wife tried to run him over with her car. Seek counseling, you two lovebirds.

Atlanta Braves' pitcher/genius John Smoltz once burned himself while ironing a shirt. He was wearing the shirt at the time. I wish I making that up.

Brett Barbarie (once married to Jillian, the Fox sports dingbat), then a second baseman for the Florida Marlins, wa making nachos before a game. After cutting chili peppers, Barbarie washed his hands, but they apparently still had some chili oil on them. When he put in his contacts his eyes started burning and he couldn't play. Maybe Jillian was the smart one in that relationship.

San Diego pitcher Adam Eaton missed a start when he stabbed himself in the stomach while trying to cut the shrink-wrap off a DVD. This is why we need itunes.

Hall of Famer George Brett broke his toe when he tripped running from the kitchen to the living room to watch a baseball game replay of himself on TV. This is why we have YouTube.

Fellow teammate, Brent Mayne, missed a month of the 2002 season. He wrenched his back turning his head to check for traffic while crossing a street.

Sammy Sosa had to go on the Disabled List after hurting his back sneezing.

Jose Cardenal missed a game because of crickets in his hotel room. He was too exhausted to play.

Kevin Mitchell (when I was broadcasting for the Mariners) threw up so violently after eating a chili dog during a game in Anaheim that he strained his ribs and missed the next month.

Latrell Sprewell broke his hand when he tripped and fell of his yacht. Hard to really feel sorry for him, isn’t it?

Former NHL goaltender Glenn Healy missed time between the pipes after he cut his finger while attempting to repair bagpipes. I always send mine out.

Nolan Ryan once was bitten by a coyote. Tell me you haven’t used that excuse.

Toronto Blue Jay, Glenallen Hill, had a bad dream about spiders, leaped out of bed and crashed into something.

Denver Bronco's quarterback, Brian Griese nearly missed a game after he sprained his ankle when he was run over by his dog.

Little Muggsy Bogues missed the second half of an NBA game after unintentionally inhaling ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. Far out man!

Boston's Craig Grebeck had to leave a game after rubbing his eye with a finger that had stick-em on it.

Golfer John Daly hurt his hand but to stop the bleeding he put Super Glue on it. Why didn’t we think of that on MASH?

Washington QB Gus Ferotte was taken to the hospital with a jammed neck after he head-butted the end zone concrete wall while celebrating a touchdown.

And don’t think it’s just American athletes. I saved the best for last.

Australian rugby league player Jamie Ainscough complained of an infection in his arm so doctors gave him X-rays which revealed Jamie had another player's tooth embedded into his arm. The tooth found its way into Jamie's arm in a game nearly a month earlier but he's not sure how it happened. Maybe it’s when he bit him, but I wasn’t there. Anyway, this story has a happy ending. Jamie mailed the tooth back to the other player.

Ultimate Shout-Out

As a longtime DC Comics loyalist, I'm a little surprised that my favorite monthly comic of late is a Marvel imprint. I ignored "Ultimate Spider-Man" when my husband started getting it a couple of years ago, and now I'm totally hooked on it. I think it's that rare comic that would appeal to non-geeks, or people who haven't entered a comic shop in years, or ever.

Penned by Brian Michael Bendis, USM is a modern retelling of the classic Spidey story, which takes place during Peter Parker's high school years. Bendis clearly remembers what it's like to be a teenager — all that angst and self-doubt, plus the burden of being a superhero with a secret identity. A lot of bad stuff happens to Peter, which is part of what makes him such a sympathetic character: He's lost his beloved Uncle Ben. His Aunt Mae has serious cash flow problems. His friends sometimes wind up dead or overtaken by monstrous, alien symbiotes. Few people, including the cops, appreciate his masked crusade against crime. The one bright light is his romance with Mary Jane Watson, and even that comes with all kinds of adolescent drama.

First, the action. The recent storyline with Venom is one of the most chilling things I've seen in comics in a while. Peter's onetime friend, Eddie Brock, is literally consumed by this monstrosity, and he needs human flesh the way junkies need a heroin hit. One comic in this arc opens with Eddie talking to a series of strangers on a park bench, and it isn't until the end of the book that we realize he's been eating them, one by one. Don't buy this for the kids.

Of course, the action would be meaningless if I didn't care about the characters. Bendis writes Peter and Mary Jane's relationship with tenderness, and in a way that seems true to their age. In the most recent Annual, for example, he managed to make me care about a familiar fork in the road of teen relationships: Like, since they were in love and stuff, should they do it? Normally, I'd have fled from this kind of After School Special storyline, but Bendis not only presented it well, but also resolved it in a sweet and unexpected way. (However, I could have done without learning they're only 15, which made me a tiny bit queasy.)

I'd be remiss not to mention Bendis' longtime collaborator, artist Mark Bagley, who departed after Issue No. 111 — an almost 7-year run. His successor, Stuart Immonen, has turned out to be a fantastic choice, IMHO. Pick it up.

Best Toy(s) Ever: Growing Up Skipper Doll

Part two of a series
The Growing Up Skipper Doll is one of those toys that has to be seen to be believed. Unfortunately, I didn't keep mine, and it is now an expensive collector's item. I'm so glad there is proof of its existence on YouTube, because my husband once doubted the veracity of my claim. Here's how it worked: When you got tired of flat-chested, tween Skipper, you just wound her arm in a circle and — Bam! — instant, pop-out boobs and a little extra height. I was only 7 at the time, so I was completely unaware that this doll was controversial. I'll have to ask my mom what she remembers about it, and what convinced her to buy me this cockamamie (but totally awesome) plaything.

How to sell a screenplay by drinking in a bar

Only a few more days for entering the Daffy Definition Kontest. Here's where you go. And even if you don't enter, treat yourself. There are some inspired entries.
Aspiring screenwriters always ask what’s the best way to break into the Hollywood? I say move to Minnesota.

It sure worked for Diablo Cody. A couple of years ago she sat in the frozen tundra and wrote JUNO. And now Nick Schenk.

Nick was a construction worker and fruit truck driver who dabbled in writing on the side. He contributed some of the better comedy sketches for the prestigious DVD, FACTORY ACCIDENT SEX.

A couple of years ago Nick spent his nights in a local bar banging out a screenplay. He scribbled everything down on a pad. With Hamm’s on tap as his muse, Nick wrote 25 pages in one night. Helping him develop this project was a guy who sold furnaces to the gas company and the bartender. So you know he was in good hands.

His main character: a sympathetic racist old codger. What Hollywood studio isn’t looking for six of those vehicles? Nick was clearly tapped into the zeitgeist.

He got the script to a pair of young producers. From there it followed the usual path. Submitted to Clint Eastwood who agreed to direct it and come out of acting retirement to star in it. Nick’s screenplay was filmed as is, with no studio interference and no other writers brought in to rewrite. In fact, there were no rewrites period.

GRAN TORINO opens in selected theaters this month and goes wide in January.

The point of this story is that IT CAN HAPPEN! Granted, not often. But still, without the benefit of living in LA, or having taken Robert McKee’s seminar, or spending six years at NYU, or being married to Brian Grazer you can become a highly successful screenwriter. Just make sure you dress warm and can drive with chains on your tires.