Dodger Talk for Lovers

Usually I don’t mind long baseball games. Especially if I’m there. It’s like I’m getting more for my money. No one bitches that Springsteen concerts last four hours (well maybe Mrs. Springsteen who doesn’t want to look at his cheating ass for four hours but you get the idea).

And yet, every so often…

Ugh!!!!

Wednesday night at Dodger Stadium was one of those Ugh!!! nights. 11 innings. FIVE hours. By the time I got on the air it was close to 1 A.M. Dodger Talk for Lovers.

You sort of understand if it’s a playoff game where so much is riding on every pitch or a Yankees-Red Sox game where so many commercials are riding between every pitch, but the Dodgers and Arizona Diamondback on game eight in April???

So how does it happen? Well, let’s see. Sixteen pitchers to start with. That’s sixteen pitching changes. In another inning, second basemen were going to be pitching or Don Newcombe was going to come out of retirement. There were twelve walks; nine issued by Dodger chuckers. Nothing’s more exciting to watch than “low ball two”, “high ball three”. Add to that pitching coaches, managers, catchers, and infielders calling time for meetings on the mound and you have the WAR & PEACE of baseball except instead of battle scenes you’re treated to the troops sitting around polishing their boots.

433 pitches were thrown, twice as many as a regular game. It was like was like watching a bad doubleheader.

Yes, there were hits. There were also errors, errors of omission, runner’s interference, and a poor catcher trying to catch a knuckleball.

And midway through the game there was a problem anchoring second base. This could be very dangerous so needed to be repaired immediately. That was ten or fifteen minutes. Kudos to Dodgers’ radio man Charley Steiner for observing “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”.

The great Vin Scully, calling the Dodger telecast, is still the best prepared broadcaster in the business. By the 10th he still had facts and interesting stories about all these guys. But I’m sure by inning 13 he would have been giving their dental records.

The great thing about baseball is that there are no time limits. You can’t run down the clock. You have to earn all 27 outs. Or 30. Or 33. Y’know, come to think of it, if you’re paying the sitter, and you have a long drive home, do you really need the Boss to launch into a medley of “Tunnel of Love” songs at midnight?

Writing for THE SIMPSONS

Friday questions anybody??

James gets us started.

How was it writing for The Simpons vs. live action shows? I take it you didn't have to deal with stars asking for rewrites, and you could write a story about Homer having a pet hippo in his back yard if you wanted to. Was it better, worse, or just a different circle of Hell?

There certainly is more freedom when you write animation. It costs just the same to have Homer at the Million Man March as it does to have him sit in the kitchen. But sometimes that freedom can be a trap. When you can do anything, selecting the best thing can sometimes be difficult. THE SIMPSONS always serve the story first, which to me is why it’s still so great after 67 seasons.

I can’t speak for all animated series but on THE SIMPSONS we had table readings just like live sitcoms. So if the actors had a problem they did have an opportunity to express it. And although it always pains me to say it, often times they were right and the script improved because of their objections. Doh!!

My musings asks:

I very recently started blogging (just moved from New York to Zurich, so there's plenty to write about), and was wondering about your approach to blogging. How much in advance do you plan your posts? Do you have a general idea about what you want to write on a weekly basis, or are you more spontaneous than that and pick your topic on a daily basis?

It depends. The idea is to post as much as I can without the blog becoming a burden. The zero income I get from this endeavor makes that policy easy to follow.

I try to post something new each day but there are days when I’m just too busy or just don’t feel like writing. So I try to have a few non-time-specific posts in the bank. Stuff like excerpts from my 60s book and general writing advice. But most of the time I’ll write about what’s currently going on. That’s the beauty of a blog – you can serve it while it’s hot. I watched the AVN awards last Sunday and knew THAT’S my post for Monday. And of course reviews of AMERICAN IDOL get posted immediately. By Thursday no one even remembers they saw the show.

The challenge is to keep thinking of new things to write about. I’m surprised I didn’t run out of topics by 2007.

A lot of you have said you really like when I answer questions so I decided to devote Fridays to that. Otherwise, I don’t want to restrict myself and be locked into daily features. This isn’t the MICKEY MOUSE CLUB where every Monday is “Fun with Music Day” and Thursday is “Circus Day”.

And finally, from Scott:

It seems like a lot of people who have been in the business for a while say that this is the worst it has ever been for writers. I am just wondering Ken if when you were writing and producing shows, did you have older writers saying that things were much better back in their day and that it just seems to be getting worse?

Writers always think that things were better back “in their day”. They have selective memories. It could not have been fun being on MY FAVORITE MARTIAN and getting the network note: “A Martian wouldn’t say that.”

Today’s writers will be saying “You kids don’t understand, but back in our day we still had broadcast networks!”

However, I will admit that writers of TV westerns did have it better in previous decades. Same with variety show scribes.

As for the business being the worst it’s ever been, that’s just cyclical. In the early 80s everyone felt that sitcoms were dead. The future was in light dramas like MAGNUM P.I. but the strict half-hour form was quickly heading for extinction. And then COSBY came along. Ten years later between the networks, cable, and first-run syndication there were something like 60 sitcoms on the air. Thanks to terrific new shows like MODERN FAMILY , the half hour comedy appears to be making a comeback yet again. Thank God.

As Carly Simon once said, “These are the good ol' days”.

What’s your question?

Hotwheels

HotWheels photo shoots using TakaraTomy Diorama accessories as background scenery. Again these are HotWheels from 2002-2003 so some of it are showing its age.

Dodge Charger



Ferrari Enzo (wear and tear is visible on the wheels)


TakaraTomy Mazda RX-7 Police Car

AMERICAN IDOL results show

America got it right this week on AMERICAN IDOL, never a slam dunk. They didn’t vote off Crystal, Lee, Siobham, or the African-American just because his, uh… size is different from all the others.

Two were sent packing this week since Big Mike was saved by the judges last week, who recognized that he had the talent to be there and shouldn’t be penalized because of his, uh… size.

Andrew Garcia went first. That was a given. He’s lucky the judges sent him to Hollywood even though he lives in Los Angeles.

For the second eliminee (a word I just made up but applies) it was between Katie Stevens and Big Mike, the Zoftic-American. Katie got the ax and Ryan made a point of saying Big Mike wasn’t even in the bottom three. But then what was he doing up there? Was IDOL just trying to build up ratings in the south?

I skipped through most everything else. Nice to see Brooke White again as she slowly morphs into Nancy Sinatra. And Adam Lambert needed lasers and cloud effects to help sell the message, “What Do You Want From Me?” I guess it makes sense if he’s supposed to be Zeus.

Next week is AMERICAN IDOL GIVES BACK so I won’t be reviewing it. Who cares? It’s their self-serving, heart-on-their-sleeve, chance to squeeze one more week out of the season. The sincerity will ooze like a sucking chest wound. It’s a ratings ploy. If they could get away with it they’d just as soon stage AMERICAN IDOL GIVES HEAD.

For all you millions of OPEN ALL NIGHT fans...

Here's a portion of one of the scripts my partner David Isaacs and I wrote for OPEN ALL NIGHT. Wish I had the video to post but this will give you some idea of the short-lived ABC series that has become a cult classic. Or... at least a few people still remember it. I recently posted some examples including the theme song.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was set in a 24 hour convenience store and was very edgy for an 80s sitcom. We were encouraged to be a little bizarre. The creators and show runners (Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses) oversaw the best years of THE BOB NEWHART SHOW and created BUFFALO BILL among other credits. Individually, Tom created ALF; Jay created THE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF MOLLY DODD. Ironically, they’re both the same show.

George Dzundza played Gordon, Susan Tyrrell played Gretchen, and the punker was played by David Paymer (pictured) who went on to a very successful screen career (based solely on this guest starring appearance I'm sure).

So here’s an example of OPEN ALL NIGHT.

INT. 364 STORE – NIGHT

HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ARE UP. GORDON AND GRETCHEN MAN THE COUNTER. A TEENAGE BOY IS BLASTING AWAY AT ASTEROIDS ON ONE OF THOSE ELECTRONIC GAMES RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS COUNTRY’S SHORTAGE OF QUARTERS.

A YOUNG PUNK ROCKER – SID VICIOUS TYPE -- ENTERS. HE’S TASTEFULLY ADORNED IN DENIM AND CHAINS. A ‘DEVO’ HAT SITS RAKISHLY ATOP HIS ELECTRIC ORANGE HAIR.

PUNKER: Happy Halloween.

GRETCHEN: (appalled) Same to you. What are you supposed to be?

GORDON: Don’t you recognize the costume, Gretchen? That’s Johnny Vomit.

PUNKER: This isn't a costume. But later I'm going as Dudley Moore. (then) You guys got anything you want here, right?

GORON: You name it, we’ve got it.

PUNKER: I’d like some Astro-turf.

GORDON: (snapping his fingers) Just sold the last hundred yards.

PUNKER: You got “Les Miserables” on video cassette?

GORDON: Expecting a shipment tomorrow.

PUNKER: How ‘bout some kitty litter?

GORDON: That I got.

PUNKER: Well, at least we eat.

GORDON: (after a beat) I’ll get it. You just stay here in the light. (crosses to Gretchen) I’ll be in the back for a second. Keep an eye on him. He’s perfectly safe. He’s near death.

GRETCHEN: Okay. Hurry.

GORDON EXITS INTO THE BACK ROOM. THE PUNKER APPROACHES THE REGISTER AND JUST STARES AT THE NERVOUS GRETCHEN.

GRETCHEN: (eyes closed) Can I get you something else?

PUNKER: I’d like a pumpkin gurgle.

GRETCHEN: Small or large?

PUNKER: Small. I just want to freeze my nose.

AS GRETCHEN WORKS THE MACHINE, ANOTHER CUSTOMER ENTERS, IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, DRESSED IN A FATIGUE JACKET. HE’S UNKEMPT BUT NOWHERE NEAR AS WEIRD-LOOKING AS THE PUNKER. GRETCHEN IS VERY RELIEVED TO SEE HIM.

GRETCHEN: What can I do for you?

THE CUSTOMER STEPS UP TO THE COUNTER, PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET, AND SHOVES IT OUT AS IF CARRYING A GUN.

ROBBER: (desperate) You can give me all the money in the register.

GRETCHEN: What?

ROBBER: You heard me! All of it! (to punker) Outta my way, Captain Tinfoil.

HE PUSHES THE PUNKER AGAINST A COUNTER.

PUNKER: Ow! I think I’m hurt… Thank you!

ROBBER: Let’s go, mama. I'm late for a party.

HE TAKES A BAG FROM THE COUNTER AND SNAPS IT OPEN. IT READS ‘364 STORES – PLEASE COME BACK’.

ROBBER: Right in there. (Gretchen obliges) Throw in a a Lotto ticket. All right. Nobody moves and not a peep.

THE ROBBER STARTS TO BACK AWAY. GRETCHEN LETS OUT AN INVOLUNTARY SQUEAL. THE ROBBER AIMS HIS JACKET.

GRETCHEN: That wasn’t a peep. It was a whimper. There’s a big difference.

THE ROBBER BACKS OUT THE DOOR, HITS THE PUNKER FOR GOOD MEASURE AND RUNS OFF INTO THE NIGHT.

PUNKER: Great! A permanent bruise. (calling) Thanks, again!

GRETCHEN JUST STANDS THERE FROZEN. GORDON RE-ENTERS CARRYING A GIANT BAG OF KITTY LITTLER.

GORDON: Here you go. This brand’s got chlorophyll crystals for extra flavor. Three dollars. Bon appetite.

THE PUNKER HANDS GORDON THE MONEY, GRABS THE KITTY LITTER, AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR, LIMPING.

PUNKER: (delighted) There’s no feeling in my leg. (to Gordon) I love this place! I’m gonna tell all my friends!

THE PUNKER EXITS.

AMERICAN IDOL -- Elvis Week

Look, you can’t blame them? It’s the 9th season. It’s hard to keep any show fresh for nine seasons. See how much you love GLEE when those kids have already graduated high school and college, gotten nowhere on Broadway, and wind up back home working at Jiffy Lube and developing drinking problems.

AMERICAN IDOL seems to be flailing this season. Out of 181 kids flown to Hollywood they clearly did not select the best, most interesting, most diverse twelve. They assembled Fox’s answer to the SMALLVILLE cast.

The judges keep hammering the contestants for not sounding “current” or “contemporary". But the weekly topics they give them are Elvis songs, old R&B tunes, the Beatles catalog, and Rolling Stones chestnuts.

How is anyone going to sound current singing “Blue Suede Shoes” when the last person who wore a pair of blue suede shoes was run over by a DeSoto in 1959?

Don’t get me wrong. Singing classic vintage songs is fine. Just don’t ask the kids to turn Patsy Cline into Lady Gaga.

The weekly topics always stay within the kids’ limited range too. There’s always a chance for Crystal and Casey and Katie and Siobhan to sing the blues. Big Mike can always croon “When a Man Loves a Woman” just with different lyrics. In the first season Kelly Clarkson had to sing a big band number. What about standards? Hip hop? Klezmer, I dunno? Just something out of their comfort zone. And if someone fails badly – COOL! It’s live TV.

And America hasn’t helped this year either. They’re voting off the wrong people. There’s a scene in the movie WHERE’S PAPA where Ron Liebman is trying to hail a cab in a gorilla suit. Meanwhile, there’s an African-American also hailing the cab. The cab speeds by the African-American and picks up the gorilla instead. That’s what I thought of last week when the country kept the far inferior Andrew Gomez over African-American Michael Lynche.

Anyway, Elvis week. The celebrity mentor was recent Idol contestant Adam Lambert. Because he was so smart and original when he competed, I found myself really wanting to hear what he had to say. And I was impressed with his advice.

Crystal Bowersox opened the show with “Saved”, trotting out her blues riffs. Kara thought the lyrics were controversial in their day. Oh yeah. “You know I like to lie. And cheat. And step on peoples’ feet.” Not sure why Kara finds that so objectionable. Maybe as a songwriter she's jealous that the author could actually make words rhyme.

Andrew Garcia was his usual terrible self singing “Hound Dog”. If he survives this week look for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton to both get involved.

Tim Urban rose to the occasion with a lovely ballad – “I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You”. Even the judges liked it, much to their utter shock.

Lee Dewyze is the contestant the judges deemed the worthy opponent to Crystal so they pretty much love everything he does. Tonight they fawned all over his rather pedestrian version of “A Little Less Conversation”. I’m sorry. He’s not so on the cusp of stardom that “smiling more” will put him over the top.

Aaron Kelly, whatever you do, stay off of those “blue suede land mines”.

Kudos to Siobhan Magnus, not so much for her singing (although I quite liked her every-musical-style-except-Gregorian-Chant rendition of “Suspicious Minds”) but for standing up to Simon and saying she sees no need to label herself.” The crowd (and by that I mean the cast of GLEE) went wild.

Big Mike sang “When a Man Loves a Woman” but changed the words to “In the Ghetto”.

Katie Stevens to me is Crystal-light. The blues for teens. She sang “What Do You Want Me To Do?”. She drew upon the angst of getting caught by a hall monitor for being tardy to a class to really sell the pain.

And finally Casey James wasted the pimp spot with “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”. Jesus, the Elvis channel on Sirius plays “Clambake”, “Five Sleepy Heads”, “Kissing Cousins”, and “He’s Your Uncle, Not Your Dad”- before that stiff.

AMERICAN IDOL needs to shake things up. Maybe they can take a cue from “the King” himself. About 9 years into Elvis’ career he re-invented himself. Fat Ryan in a white bejeweled jumpsuit. Yeah, I could watch that. Even with Kara.

Opening Day photos

Thanks to Howard Hoffman for the pix. Here's a brief photo essay of opening day at Dodger Stadium..

I'm on the air on 790 KABC with Peter Tilden (left) and John Phillips. We're debating the coal mine safety reforms and Supreme Court candidates.
On Pre-game Dodger Talk I predicted this guy would hit a home run and he actually did. The fact that he's hit 546 of them already notwithstanding, it was a bold move on my part.
New at Dodger Stadium this year. Four pound pretzels. They still weigh more than Victoria Beckham.
And finally, what would a bar mitzvah reception or opening day be without the obligatory fly-over. I'm far more impressed when they do this in indoor stadiums.