My 2000th blog post

When I started this blog in November of 2005 my daughter Annie was horrified. Was this going to be one of those “I had Fruit Loops for breakfast and then brushed my teeth” kind of blogs -- writing shit no one remotely cared about? I assured her that’s not what I was planning to do. (Now we have FACEBOOK and Twitter for that.) “Then what are you going to write about?” she asked.

“Entertaining stuff. Fun stuff,” I answered.

“Like what?”

I thought for a moment and finally said, “Go to your room!”

I really hadn’t thought it out that far.

So I experimented. Comic essays, writing advice, anecdotes, reviews, rants, travelogues, recommendations, contests, profiles, book excerpts, answering questions. I figured at some point a defining direction would emerge.

And what I’ve found is this: no direction is my direction.

And that’s fine. I don’t know if I could have made it to 2000 otherwise, especially posting new content every day. I certainly don’t have 2000 pieces of advice. And I doubt I could wring out 2000 reviews of HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD.

The joy of this blog is having the freedom to write whatever the hell I want without some recent graduate of Sarah Lawrence telling me I need to “up the stakes”. The even greater joy is meeting all of you.

So for today I’d like to turn things around. I'd like to hear from you. Especially you lurkers. I’m always curious – how did you stumble upon this blog in the first place? How long have you been here? Where are you from? And what types of posts do you like or not like?

Thanks so much for your continued indulgence of my creative fancy. And thanks in advance for writing me back.

On to the next 2000! Oy. That sounds like a lot.

Do not try this at home!

I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.

Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.

Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.

And just because people tell you you look like Kaley Cuoco (pictured above) doesn’t mean you should write a BIG BANG THEORY entitled “Penny’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.

Don't submit specs for canceled series. You are not going to get a job off your spec OLD CHRISTINE or I MARRIED JOAN.

Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.

Don’t invent a format.

Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!

Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:

EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY

Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.

Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.

Similarly, avoid dream sequences. THE MIDDLE is not looking for the next Fellini.

Don't require 3D or IMAX for your sitcom pilot to work.

Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.

I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on TWO AND A HALF MEN.

Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.

Don’t marry off any of the main characters.

Don’t kill off any of the main characters.

Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.

Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.

The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.

Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Tracy Jordan is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.

Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.

And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.

Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.

That swingin' Man from UNCLE

Some shows would update their opening titles every season. This was great if you loved the theme. One of my favorites was THE MAN FROM UNCLE, a James Bond-type spy show, composed by Jerry Goldsmith. Here are several versions. If you can listen to these and not want to foil the latest THRUSH plot then there's something wrong with you.

Not all TV theme songs were great

Even though I had a crush on Sally Field and watched this show religiously, the main title theme song always made me want to vomit. It is sooo cloying and syrupy, and...ugh!!! I know one commenter thought it was his favorite so I may get some flack here but still...ugh!!!

Two cool animated opening titles

There have been some great animated opening titles too. One of my recent favorites is from the British show HUSTLE. The new USA network program COVERT AFFAIRS also has slick animated titles. I wonder if they were made by the same company or at the very least the COVERT producers used HUSTLE as their template.

Here's both HUSTLE and COVERT AFFAIRS.

Note: the worst 60s teen theme is next.

"A hot dog makes her lose control"

Sitcoms about crazy kooky teenagers were the rage in the 60s. Best opening titles of the bunch was THE PATTY DUKE SHOW. If you're a baby boomer you can probably still sing the words. My favorite lyric of course is "A hot dog makes her lose control". Hmmm? What hidden meaning could that have in 1965 to a generation of adolescents?



Later today, the worst 60s teen show opening titles. Get ready to cringe.

An insane TV opening and theme

Here's another TV opening from the late 50s -- 77 SUNSET STRIP. Believe it or not, this was a drama show. I only wish THE SHIELD had done this.



More later today...