The AMC pilot "Bake-Off"

I’m changing my advice to aspiring writers.

I’m always asked what’s the best advice I can give them and up until now I’ve said just continue to write. Study English. Read scripts. Analyze scripts. Learn dramatic structure.  But most of all, keep churning out material.

That stuff is still important, but it seems today, equally or even more important is becoming a good salesman.

AMC last week held what it likes to call their “Bake-off”. Six pilot scripts have been ordered and the writers of those shows had to trek down to some LA hotel and make elaborate presentations of their projects. The writer/creators each had to show a promo reel and re-pitch their series in detail, even mapping out the entire first season. Wow. Why not get a seventh contender, Watson the computer, and just show the whole thing on the Game Show Network?

What this means of course is that if a young Neil Simon pitched THE ODD COUPLE to AMC while Dr. Gene Scott, who never wrote a script in his life, pitched a show about a guy just sitting in a chair, Dr. Gene would get the pilot order.   Why?  He’s the better salesman.

I understand the trend. There are fewer pilots, fewer movies being developed – it’s harder to make a sale. So it’s not enough to come in with a good idea – you’ve now got to wow them.

But this requires a whole different set of skills. Confidence, charisma, charm. Most writers I know became writers precisely because they lack those skills. Hence the problem.

Now granted, these are great attributes to have, whether you’re a writer or not. Presenting yourself favorably is important in any field. The question though is how do you make that transformation? How do you go from a guy who is only comfortable writing in an isolation tank in Antarctica to Sean Hannity? Self-help books? Motivation seminars? Copious amounts of alcohol and drugs?

Well, whatever it takes, whatever you have to do – do it. Even if it means foregoing a master class on writing by Aaron Sorkin to take Bill Clinton’s “Five Steps to Get Anyone On Their Knees” weekend retreat.  What good is a great script if it just sits in your drawer?

I have no idea what the six pilots are that competed in the AMC “Bake Off”. On the one hand it seems a little unfair to judge a project’s merit based on the sales pitch of an amateur salesman, but on the other, at least it’s something active you as the creator can DO. It’s in YOUR hands, not a bunch of idiots rounded up at the Fat Burger across the street of the Preview House.

So take that public speaking class, listen to the theme from Rocky on an endless loop. Just remember -- Colin Firth might’ve beaten Jesse Eisenberg for the Oscar, but at AMC Jesse gets the greenlight while Colin is told: “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

Nendoroid Racing Miku

This item is a Japan release item only, which sadly I couldn't get hold of the original item. The one below you are seeing is bootleg version. I got this Nendoroid is not because of Miku, I want it because of the car that comes with it. The car is a Porsche 911 from the GoodSmile Racing Team.

Typical bootleg Nendoroid. Box is not as highly printed compared to original


Seriously I am not expecting much from this bootleg Nendo. From experience, the bootleg Nendoroid had problem with its articulation


Here are the stuff that comes with it


My tools for the decals : pen knife, scissors, brush and decal tray...


...and also a swap...hehe


Testing Miku inside the car, so far so good....


Decal applied together with decal fitter (from GoodSmile Racing)


Here are the current pictures


.....more finalised pictures Porsche GoodSmile Racing very soon

My book is now available in paperback

WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED is now available in "handsome" paperback form.  I'm pricing it ridiculously cheap.  I'm not going to make a fortune anyway so why not make it more attractive for people to buy?  It's only $6.99.  Seriously.  That's all.  Here's where you order.  And remember, it makes a great gift and Christmas is coming up. 

UPDATE:  Out of stock for the moment.  Making a slight change in the printing.  Should be back up in a day or so.  You are welcome to pre-order.  Sorry for the delay.  

If you thought Don Draper was good...

I’m always looking for effective ways of selling my book. (By the way, it’s gotten great reviews, it’s very funny, and the ebook costs only $2.99. What are you waiting for??? Order it here for Kindle, here for the Nook, here for everywhere else. And the paperback has just come out.  It's only $6.99 and you can order that here.  

But when I think of great salesmen, one name immediately comes to mind. Reverend Gene Scott. I’ve mentioned him before. He was a mainstay of local LA television in the ‘70s and ‘80s. He had this cable channel and was on it 24 hours a day. Twelve of those hours he was live. Twenty-one of those hours he was pitching for money. You rarely, if ever, saw him actually teach or preach the gospel.

He used a variety of techniques. Dr. Scott was a ruggedly handsome figure with flowing white hair and piercing eyes. Every time you tuned in, there he was, sitting on this garish wooden throne of buffalo antlers, staring at you, soliciting. Every other TV evangelist would cajole you, appeal to your sense of commitment and faith, and even occasionally beg. Not Dr. Scott.

He would get angry at you. He would yell at you. He would call you worthless.  He would accuse you of being in league with the devil.  (Dr. Scott was very big on the devil.  That was his go-to guy.)

He would sometimes set time limits. $30,000 in 30 minutes, or else! (I never knew what “what else” was since he never actually preached.) And then my favorite – he would just stare at you… for an hour. At the time I’m writing MASH and thinking, “I’m killing myself trying to come up with material to pack into every minute of the show” and this guy is more mesmerizing just sitting in a chair staring at me.

He brought in money by the bucket loads.

Now, obviously I can’t do that. I guess I could ask you to stare at the picture at the top of this post until you break down and buy the book, but I don't think that would work. 

Recently, I heard someone else try to emulate a Dr. Scott method with disappointing but riotous results.

I was surfing one night through iTunes radio, sampling different internet stations. I came upon this oldies station from Great Britain. A record ends and the owner of the station comes on. He says the station survives on donations alone. He then tells his audience to go to his website and pledge a donation. I was just about to move on.  But then he said this: “I’m not going back to music until I’ve received thirty pledges”.

Allll-riiiight! Now I knew I was in for some fine entertainment.

There are a billion other oldies internet stations. Some play the hits, some play obscure songs; there’s probably four that play Annette records 24/7. So his threat is completely toothless.

For the next half hour this guy vamps like there was no tomorrow. Clearly, he's getting no takers. How could he get thirty pledges? There couldn’t have been more than five people (including me) listening to this.

At first he jabbered on and on about how unique his playlist was. Uh, no. There are a thousand other stations playing that same Clarence Frogman Henry records. Then he discussed how hard he works and how much time this station requires. Uh, who’s telling you to do it?

Then he fumbles around for ten minutes groping for anything to say. Finally, he gets angry. But he's British. So he can't just yell at you like Dr. Gene. The best he can do is be properly peeved. And inside I know he's ready to explode.

Finally, out of pity (and gratitude for such a delightful half hour) I went to his website to make a donation.

I got an error message. The site wasn’t working.

It was the devil!  The devil I say!!

Open letter to anyone producing a sitcom pilot

For those of you lucky (or unlucky) enough to have your pilot ordered you are now in the toughest part of the process – casting. These are the most crucial decisions you will ever have to make on your project. Everything else can be fixed. Scripts can be rewritten, scenes re-shot, set dressing changed. Even your premise can be altered. But if your actors suck you are dead.

The only thing worse is that the actors suck, you get picked up anyway, and then you are dead and sent to a hell reserved for Hannibal Lector and the guy who created WINDOWS 98.

So may I make one suggestion? It sounds incredibly obvious but you’d be surprised.

HIRE FUNNY PEOPLE.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Sorry you waiters at the Cheesecake Factory but there are not that many really funny people out there.

And there is the growing ham fisted network interference that attempts to take the casting decisions right out of your hands and give away your prize parts to old retreads or J. Crew models. More important than comic chops to these networks are good teeth and breasts that test well.

But that’s not what YOU should be looking for. You want people who are funny. And beware. There are enough good actors in Hollywood who are skillful enough to know where the jokes are and how to get them. You can be fooled. So don’t just go by the reading.

Go by the look, the attitude, their body language, their voice. They are intangible qualities but you can spot them right away. Just look at the cast photos of PARKS & RECREATION and THE OFFICE. Then compare them with say the Americanized version of COUPLING.
Good rule of thumb: if someone walks into your office and you immediately want to write a new half page of dialogue for him or her, that’s who you hire.

And as for the network battles? Sometimes they’ll be won over too. Laughter is a great selling point. And then there will be those times you’ll hear, “Yeah, he’s funny but…” Just remember – there ARE NO BUTS. You can be diplomatic, praise them for their choice of actors but suggest they might be even more wonderful in that exciting new procedural pilot they have where a special team solves crimes by looking at cremation remains. But at the end of the day you want the funny choice, even if he’s not known. Sometimes it’s BETTER that he’s not known.

Producing a pilot is like one man facing an army. There are constant battles and it’s always hard to know which ones to fight. But this is the big one. Fight to the death for funny.

Just imagine SEINFELD with William Devane as Kramer and Kim Ravers as Elaine.

Best of luck with your project. I'm not going to hope it's good. I'm going to hope it's close to your vision.

N is for Nude Beaches

Thanks to everyone who has bought my book.  As you can see, I'm doing really well in these categories.  You can order yours by clicking on cover icon on the right or just clicking here.

 

Now I'm really proud to be the number one selling travel book about Santa Barbara because let's face it, there must be millions of them.  You're probably thinking, so what does Ken's book have that no other does?  Well, to answer that, and as a way of giving a sample of the kind of travelogues you'll find in my book, here's my Santa Barbara entry.  Enjoy... and order. 

SANTA BARBARA July 2003


With both kids away this summer (I forget where) my wife and I snuck off to Santa Barbara for a long weekend. Other than the speeding ticket and dropping my cell phone in a pool it was a wonderful trip. Santa Barbara has become the land of the "smart writers who got out and bought when prices were still affordable.” Now one must go to Lodi.

Every structure in Santa Barbara is made of stucco. Every floor is tiled. Every hotel room has pictures of the mission. Maybe one in a gazillion tourists come up to Santa Barbara to see the friggin' mission.

Shacks are referred to as "cottages.”

Golden Girls writers have gorgeous homes up there. But I’m not bitter.

We stayed at the Inn at the Spanish Gardens. Lovely hotel. Not as nice as Bob Zemickis' tool shed but still. Walking distance to State Street and in a perfect location: down the block from the Council of Drug Prevention and Alcoholism. Across the street from Legal Services. And around the corner from the Probation Department. It was the Ritz-Carlton of Watts.

The town was jumping. All the guys looked like Ashton Kutcher or Jerry Garcia. All the women looked like Demi Moore or Ashton Kutcher.

Sue Grafton, the mystery author, lives up in Santa Barbara. And so, in following her lead...

S is for Sushi -- There are sushi restaurants on every block. Typical small town America.

I is for Informercial -- My favorite store in Santa Barbara is called "As Seen on TV.” It offers all the dandy items you see on television that you order by phone. From Vegematics to that miracle foam thing you put between your knees when you're sleeping, they have it all. My favorite is the Jane Fonda treadmill with the great added feature that there's nothing to plug in! It uses no electricity. You generate the belt moving by yourself! Excuse me, but isn't that called "walking"??? You're paying $200 to walk??? Shouldn't it be called the "Jane Fonda Hamster Wheel"? I overheard a customer say "How does this place stay in business if you can return stuff because none of this crap actually works?"

O is for the Oxiclean kit we bought. I never have to pour or measure detergent again! How did I live without this?

W is for the Wizard Pancake maker (which also makes donuts at no extra cost).

R is for Rain -- It rained Saturday. First time in late July in Santa Barbara since the Cenozoic Era. But did real estate values go down?? Nooooo.

A is for Appalled -- When I called the front desk and reserved an in-room massage, I gave my name as Kobe Bryant. (Note: at the time he was charged with raping a girl in his hotel room.)

P is for Politically Incorrect -- Santa Barbara boasts the first (and now only) Sambo’s restaurant. Noted without comment....except...come on guys!

E is for End of an Era -- the mask store on State Street is going out of business. Where will people who eat at Sambo's get their masks?

H is for Heist -- I saw an officer of the SBPD tooling around on a motorized scooter. If you want to rob a bank and your getaway vehicle is anything but a Segway I'd seriously consider Santa Barbara.

G is for Great Food -- The Palace Grill and Andersons.

M is for Mission -- Okay, we went to a mission after all. Gorgeous, impressive, truly majestic. No wait, that was our friends, Dave & Sally's new house in Ojai.

N is for Nude Beaches -- they have them in Santa Barbara. Considering that most people I saw shouldn't wear shorts much less go naked, I did not visit.




Z is for Zorro -- who, as legend has it, bought his first mask at the mask store on State Street.

Who says Hollywood only cares about itself?

Our hearts go out to everyone in Japan and everyone affected by the residual tsunamis.  The headlines and on-line videos have been heartbreaking and horrifying.  And then I went to one of those Hollywood industry sites.  Their big story was that production on HAWAII 5-0 did not have to shut down.  They had no shots near the shore so they were able to continue filming as planned.

All I can say is "WHEW!!!"

That was a close one.  I'm sure, like me, your first thought on hearing of a possible Hawaii tsunami was is this going to set HAWAII 5-0 back a day or two?   Thank God, thank GOD, that didn't occur.  That would have been a... well, a disaster.

That reminds me of the time there was an assassination attempt on President Reagan.  The headline in one of the trade papers the next day was...

OSCARS POSTPONED

and then, in much smaller letters...


PRESIDENT REAGAN SHOT