Flying Around the World in 3 Hours -- Pack a Sweater

Hello from Cleveland. Since I'm flying back to Seattle with the Mariners later today this seemed like the perfect day to share this post.

Superhero movies are all the rage this summer. But I must admit, still my favorite superhero show is the old SUPERMAN TV series from the 50s. 

I know it dates me, but I was the target audience when it first came out but I still watch it in reruns (it’s now on cable channels so obscure they don’t even have names) and bought the first season DVD the day it came out. I’ve since given up running around the neighborhood employing a towel as a cape. My wife finds it humiliating.

When I watch the episodes now I am filled with a warm sense of nostalgia. I also am struck by how incredibly STUPID I was as a kid. There are moments in that show that are so preposterous that even as a seven year old I should have said, “Heyyyy, wait a minute.”

Okay, forget that no one can tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman just from the glasses even though they look alike, have the same voice, and build. (Teri Hatcher had the same problem in the later series although in her case she was probably just too distracted terrorizing the crew because her Perrier was three degrees too cold.) I’m talking about these little gems (and I bet some of you have a few too):

In one episode Superman flies a little girl around the world. In three hours. At that speed with the g-forces I’d guess she’s be vaporized just outside the Metropolis city limits. And she’s just wearing a little sun dress and flimsy sweater. In one scene they’re flying over Mount Everest. He asks if she’s cold and she assures him she’s not. That must be some sweater because at that altitude it must be minus 300 degrees. But I bought it.

Remember the episode in which Superman was frozen? Oh no! How will he pass for Clark Kent? Simple, with some shoe polish and Lois Lane’s make up. Son of a gun, it worked!! No one noticed there was anything different between a normal person and a man wearing pancake makeup on his face and hands and jet black shoe polish in his hair. It worked for me.

The Daily Planet was a great metropolitan newspaper with a staff of three reporters. Yeah, that sounded about right at the time.

They were always quite liberal on their definition of X-Ray vision. Instead of just looking through objects, this Superman was able to see things from miles away. The one catch was that he couldn’t see through lead. There’s no lead anywhere in a straight line between the Daily Planet building and India?

Which brings me to my favorite moment of all. In one episode the bad guys got the brilliant idea that if they wore lead helmets that fitted completely over their heads that Superman could never identify them. Okay, forget fingerprints, they went to so much trouble to have these helmets made. And wasn’t it hot in those things? I guess not.

So in one scene two of these lead heads are going up to Perry White’s office in the Daily Planet. We see them walking down the hall. Picture this: Two men in suits, lead helmets, with fedoras. Two extras (“staff members”) pass them in the hall AND DON’T EVEN NOTICE THEM. Ho hum. Nothing unusual. Just two businessmen in helmets and hats. Now I fall off my chair. Then I thought “those helmets look good with those suits”.

Yeah, today Hollywood can turn out dazzling productions with spectacular special effects, starring A-list actors, shown on humongous IMAX screens. But they still can't mesmerize me like those cheesy black-and-white episodes that flickered on my twelve inch TV set, even if Superman did fly with strings and wore a gurdle.

Uncovered after 20 years: the sitcom episode I acted in

Okay, here's a rarity -- an episode that I wrote and I also appear in.  It's from a 1990 series called THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES, created by Richard Rosenstock (who also created the brilliant FLYING BLIND).  My partner, David and I wrote this episode and in the big wedding scene I play Phil and he plays my lover Steve.  Yes, we're two gay guys at a Jewish wedding.  Every Jewish wedding has one.  At one point in the show, not only do I have to deliver a punch line but I have to do it while WALKING.  This, my friends, is ACTING. 

A few things worth noting:  Marshall is well played by Joshua Beckett and Leslie is played by the truly wonderful Meredith Scott Lynn.  Marshall's mother is Jennifer Salt, now a terrific writer (notably NIP/TUCK and the screenplay for EAT PRAY LOVE).  James Burrows directed.  He since has directed one or two other things. 

This series had a short run on ABC and deserved a better fate. It was very funny. 

How hard is it to write final episodes?

Hello from Cleveland, where the Mariners battle the Sons of the Wigwam. Broadcast time today is 4 PM PDT/7 PM EDT on 710 ESPN Seattle and MLB.COM. Meanwhile, it’s time for your questions and my answers. As always, thanks for contributing them.

DyHrdMET is up first:

I was watching the final episode of Family Ties (a great sitcom, even though I don't think you were involved in it) on TV.

Okay, I will acknowledge there were a few of those.

Lots of emotion in the story. Is it harder to write the final episode of a sitcom, which usually has a sense of closure, finality and/or emotion, than it is to write for a show during its prime?

It’s much harder to write the final episode because the expectations are so much higher. Audiences want to feel confident that their beloved characters get a nice sendoff.  They've almost become friends of the family.

Plus, in sitcoms, the convention is there never really is an ending.  Whatever the conclusion of a normal episode, there is the understanding that the saga will continue next week. Now, all of a sudden, it all comes to an end. How do you wrap that up to the fans’ satisfaction, your satisfaction as the creator, and have the ending not be so definitive that it hurts the syndication run. Remember, if your show is that successful, it should be around for years in reruns.

You'll have a larger audience that night so you need to be at your absolute best.  Best jokes, cleverest story turns.  You're really in the limelight. 

There is also an added pressure that sometimes now occurs. The networks try to get as much mileage from your finale as they can (i.e. sell as many spots for high fees) and often they will now ask for supersize episodes. And in a few cases (e.g. CHEERS, FRASIER, MASH, SEINFELD) that can mean as long as two-hours or even more. Your show has a rhythm for 30 minutes and now you have to expand it times four. The weight of that generally pulls down the show. That’s how I felt, quite honestly, about the last MASH. It was waaaaaay too long. Extra length didn’t help the SEINFELD swan song either.

My favorite final episodes were THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, NEWHART,and EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND. All three were standard half hours.

Now if you ask me my favorite last show EVER, it would be a radio show and it absolutely broke every rule imaginable. Lohman & Barkley were a morning team on KFWB, Los Angeles in the ‘60s. They were extremely funny. Lohman did a great number of voices and their show was populated with many hilarious recurring characters. KFWB changed formats to all-news and everyone was let go. On Lohman & Barkley’s last show they systematically killed each of their characters, offing them in the most gruesome ways. Now THAT’S a final show. (Of course six months later they resurfaced on KFI and all their characters magically returned to life.  Not easy to do once you've been -- for example -- buried alive. )

lucifervandross asks:

Netflix added Cheers and I have been watching it (in lieu of researching and writing my own specs to try and get work) and on the episode 'Little Sister dont'cha" Rhea Perlman plays Carla, and Carla's younger sister Annette. She is credited in the closing credits for this role. My questions is, was she paid twice? Once for portraying Carla (and her normal "starring" credit) and then another time for the guest appearance? I know it's trivial and silly and from 30 years ago, but I was just wondering how that sort of thing works... actually let me tie it in to the "now" Would Alec Baldwin be getting paid multiple times for his multiple portrayals on this weeks 30 rock?

To my knowledge, no. All in a week’s work. However, I think Andy Kaufman got paid separately for Latka and when he did his Tony Clifton character. One week, as Tony Clifton, he was a real asshole on the set so the producers fired him. But Kaufman, who was lovely, stayed. Weird, huh?

From Chris:

Why do episodes sometime air in a different order than the one they were shot in? (Wikipedia lists production codes and I'm assuming 101 is a pilot, 102 is the next one, etc).

Usually that’s the network's doing.  They juggle the episodes because they think one is stronger or weaker or more promotable. It can be maddening. I know ABC has done that to MODERN FAMILY where shows have run out of sequence. But the network feels the value of flip-flopping episodes outweighs the disruption of continuity.

It’s also why networks don’t want shows to have running storylines from week-to-week. It’s easier to shuffle around self-contained episodes.

And finally, from Naz:

How difficult is it to work product placement in a show?

Sitting here at my Apple Powerbook, enjoying a Pepsi, having just showered with Neutrogena and feeling really clean and refreshed, I can say it’s really not that hard. They key is being subtle, and making sure that whatever product you include -- whether visually or in dialogue – that it’s not random. That there’s a direct connection to the scene.

Blogger problem

Blogger has been having technical issues. They've dropped some posts and hopefully wil soon restore them. Please check back for Friday questions. Thanks.

I'm at the mercy of technology.

Lost in translation

When my writing partner, David Isaacs and I did a rewrite on JEWEL OF THE NILE for Michael Douglas we had to have the script approved by the Moroccan government before they'd be allowed to film there. Make sure no international crisis would be caused by one of our jokes. So the screenplay was translated into French. I was given a copy of the French version. I don't speak French (or any language including English sometimes) but my wife does. She knows at least enough to yell at desk clerks in Paris.

She read the new version and said it made absolutely no sense. Jokes were translated word by word. So characters were just speaking gibberish.

The script was approved. (Oh, if only networks had the same high standards.)

And recently I came across an episode of ALMOST PERFECT that was dubbed into German (German being the universal language of comedy). I have no idea how faithful the translation was. All I know is that everybody seemed to be angry with everyone else, even in the love scenes.

I have a lot of readers abroad so let me ask you -- do US comedies make sense in different languages? Other than pratfalls, are they remotely funny? (Watch – YES DEAR is considered the funniest US sitcom on three continents.)

There's a reason action movies do better in foreign markets than comedies. You don't have to appreciate irony to enjoy a good explosion.

I've seen a few French comedy movies and have enjoyed them, even with subtitles. And you know a joke is bulletproof if the subtitle can get a laugh. But if the comic premise is clever and the actors are good the movie should work. Interestingly, I've seen several US remakes of French comedies and despite the English-friendly dialogue, I always prefer the originals. Maybe it's just the relief of never having to see Jim Carrey.

I always wonder how faithful the subtitles are to the actual dialog. Haven't you seen this before? A character chatters for thirty seconds. And the subtitle is "Sure". Huh? Or when the subtitle occasionally gives directions. I've seen "nodding" and "takes a puff". Uh, we stupid Americans can see that.

I'm going to try to find someone German who can translate ALMOST PERFECT now. I'm dying to see if our frothy little romantic comedy became Nancy Travis in DAS BOOT.

Heading off today for Cleveland to broadcast the Mariners' three-game series with the Indians.  Join me tomorrow night at 7 PM EDT/4 PM PDT on 710 ESPN Seattle or MLB.COM for all the action and pitching changes.

Confessions of a pathetic TV addict

I’ve never been a fanatical TV viewer. I’ve never been obsessed over a television show. I’ve never been a Trekkie, a Gleek, or whatever the BATTLESTAR GALLICTICA crazies call themselves. I loved LOST but never built a hatch in my backyard. I was a huge fan of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW but never constructed the WJM newsroom in my dorm.

I have favorite shows, like THE SOPRANOS and MAD MEN but when they’ve completed their runs for the year I have a wistful pang for eleven minutes then move on with my life.

But not this year. This year I fear I will need to check myself into the Betty Ford Center for Pathetic Viewers. Everything seems so empty, so meaningless. My life has no direction. I have no idea how to fill my days. It’s the existential crisis I did not dare to even consider.

What do I do now that THE GOOD WIFE and JUSTIFIED are wrapping up for the season?

Yes, that’s right. Two shows. I’ve gone from no shows to two. And that makes it almost the perfect storm of epic one-hour-drama-deprivation.

People try to comfort me. They tell me a new season of BURN NOTICE is starting. And COVERT AFFAIRS is coming back. As is WHITE COLLAR. That doesn’t help. Those are just guilty pleasures. Piper Perabo in a cat suit shooting people is not the same as Julianna Margulies preparing briefs.

HAWTHORNE is returning (for some inexplicable reason). And some well-meaning nimrod suggested DROP DEAD DIVA. They just don’t understand.

JUSTIFIED and THE GOOD WIFE have been absolutely captivating this year. Best television in years.  I’d give Emmys to everyone involved (other than Christine Baranaski).

So what do I do? There aren’t GOOD WIFE conventions. I certainly can’t dress up like Alicia Florrick. I could wear a cowboy hat like Raylan Givens but on me it would look stupider than if I wore one of Alicia’s dresses. I guess to get my JUSTIFIED fix I could vacation in Harlan County, Kentucky, but no Jew has done that since 1937.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just wander around aimlessly. Maybe there will be GOOD WIFE action figures.  And perhaps I’ll stumble upon JUSTIFIED “ignorant hillbilly assholes” coloring books.

Mostly, I’ll just be envying you – you who haven’t seen these two remarkable television series. Because you can spend the summer watching the DVD’s and catching up. You can get swept away by the rich characters, engrossed in the sophisticated storylines, chuckle at the moments of humor (I laugh more in those shows than 95% of today’s current sitcoms), and marvel at the superb acting. Think of me, sitting alone in my basement, trying to construct a moonshine still.

But WARNING: Both of these shows are highly addictive and one year from today you too will be on the GOOD WIFE and JUSTIFIED websites, playing endless trivia games, collecting badges, moving up the leaderboard, and changing your wallpaper – replacing your kids with Raylan & Winona.

JUSTIFIED ended its season last Wednesday. THE GOOD WIFE’S season finale is May 17th. So I only have one week. I must make every moment count.

Double-dating with Sinatra

Here are a couple of excerpts from the book I'm still writing about growing up in the '60s in the San Fernando Valley.  It's 1965 and I'm in high school.

Meanwhile, willowy 19-year-old actress Mia Farrow began dating a “real” senior – Frank Sinatra. He was 49 at the time. It would have been great to double date with them. Maybe go to the Friday night Taft football game, and grab a pizza at Shakey’s. You know what else Frank would like? A popular activity among the in crowd was TPing someone’s home. That meant showering the house with streams of toilet paper. I can just imagine Frank tossing a roll, saying this house looked vaguely familiar and then realizing, “Hey, this is where the kidnappers held my son!”

School rivalries were big in the San Fernando Valley, especially in the fall when football reigned supreme. Taft had two rivals – Canoga Park High and Birmingham High. Canoga was our nearest competitor. They had an older stucco campus and a much rougher, uh… diverse population. Families routinely avoided buying homes within Canoga Park High’s district just to spare their kids from having to be enrolled there. The rivalry would have been bigger had we not been scared shitless to set foot on the Canoga campus.

So we needed another rival more our socio-economic level. Birmingham High in Encino fit the bill. Good football program and instead of knife fights you just had Jews taunting each other that their temples had superior air conditioning.

It usually came down to Taft vs. Birmingham and this year the big game was held there, in their gleaming new stadium. The P.A. announcer was Dick Van Dyke whose son was a member of the “Braves.” Then they were the “Braves”; now they’re the “Patriots” – don’t you just love political correctness?

We won the big game and the West Valley title. Our road to the City Championship ended however in the first playoff game when Dorsey High from South-Central beat us by 50 points. 300-pound future NFL stars proved to be a tougher challenge than Dick Van Dyke’s offspring.

****  

1965 was really the last year of the 1950’s. We still thought and acted like we were in The Donna Reed Show or Ozzie and Harriet. There was an innocence that steadfastly persisted despite pesky flashes of reality – riots, a war, civil unrest, drugs, teen rebellion.

We boomers were growing more and more uneasy, to the point where we had to finally take action. We sang. My generation could not have a thought or a feeling or bowel movement without singing about it. So out of this unrest came “the protest song”. Bob Dylan and Joan Baez were the vanguards, but the tune that perhaps had the biggest impact was “Eve of Destruction” by Barry McGuire. Barry McGuire had been the lead singer of The New Christy Minstrels, a wholesome collection of apple-cheeked young goody-gooders who sang about hayrides and gooseberry preserves. McGuire veered somewhat from the Hootenanny by singing a tale of imminent world doom. Within weeks it was the number one record in the country. Written by P.F. Sloan, these were the catchy lyrics we were all singing along with:

The eastern world, it is exploding
Violence flarin', bullets loadin'
You're old enough to kill, but not for votin'
You don't believe in war, but what's that gun you're totin'
And even the Jordan River has bodies floatin'


But you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don't believe
We're on the eve
of destruction.


Don't you understand what I'm tryin' to say
Can't you feel the fears I'm feelin' today?
If the button is pushed, there's no runnin' away
There'll be no one to save, with the world in a grave
[Take a look around ya boy, it's bound to scare ya boy]


And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don't believe
We're on the eve
of destruction.

That gives you an idea of the terror and foreboding fear we all lived with every single day… although it wasn’t so terrifying that we didn’t buy the record and dance to it at parties.