Back from a long weekend getaway to the Grand Wailea Hotel in Maui. Please keep watching those CHEERS reruns. Please!!!!
First thing spotted upon leaving the airport – the “Bad Ass Coffee Company”. Yes!! I’m in Hawaii!
The Grand Wailea is now managed by Hilton. In order to give it that Hilton “signature” they’re starting a major renovation – making the walls between each room thinner.
Can Neutrogenia soap be far behind?
Lots of conventioneers here this time of year. You can tell because…
…the bars are always packed.
…you see grown ups going down the water slides …fully clothed.
…at 10:15, noon, and 2:30 you hear “BI BI AMERICAN PIE” coming out of every room.
There are also a lot of 50 year old guys with gorgeous 30 year old blondes who are SAYING they’re at a convention.
A local newscast featured a ski report. To get to Aspen from here you need more than chains.
We commandeered a secluded vacant cabana. (They go for $200 a day. A major GNP in Hawaii is shade.) I was very relaxed but my wife acted like it was 1938 Vienna.
Big doings: The magnificent Queen Elizabeth II was here for a day. She asked directions to Australia then headed out.
Hard to say who’s more famous here – Captain Cook or Captain Morgan.
Sunday night we suffered through the Academy Awards and ordered room service. I asked the waiter if this was his busiest night of the year? He said not even close. It’s worse every night that AMERICAN IDOL is on. Hmmm. Maybe Simon Cowell should host the Oscars.
The Maui newspaper (the Herald-Macadamia I believe) had a big story on which four contestants got voted off of AMERICAN IDOL. News on Iraq came three pages later.
This is whale watching season. It’s a sight not to be missed. There are excursion boats for $30 or you could go out on the QE2 for $25,000. The QE2 provides snacks.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears is vacationing next door at the Four Seasons. Excursion boats are $30.
We were lucky. Fabulous weather. Meanwhile, on Oahu on Thursday one side of the island got no rain while the other got 11 inches in like twenty minutes. The story was on page three because Paula Abdul getting past airport security in Las Vegas was the big headline.
We missed the Maui Celtic Pipes & Drums concert. When you think of Hawaii you naturally think of bagpipes.
Now that Hilton runs the Grand Wailea if you stay here for two weeks you get one free night at the Des Moines Airport Hilton.
I was the only one on the beach reading “Great Pretenders: My Strange Love Affair with ‘50s Pop Music” by Karen Schoemer. All you ever wanted to know about Patti Page including who she is.
The Aloha Spirit is alive: Supposedly Maui police have shot more civilians than all other Hawaiian island police forces combined. “Book him, Dan –“ BANG!!!
Saw a sign on the road that said DOLLARS FOR COLLARS. At first I thought it was a pet shelter but maybe it has something to do with police arrests.
I wonder if Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle is aware of this. (Even elected officials sound like they’re lounge singers at the Lahaina Marriott.)
But I don’t care if it’s a police state, has floods, local news even worse than Fox, and is overpriced – Hawaii is heaven on earth and someday that’s where I want to live. And if you ask what would I do there? The local McDonalds has a big banner that says ALWAYS HIRING.
Aloha,
Kahuna Ken
Monday, March 6, 2006
Oscar Review 2006
If I were in Bhutan or Croatia I’d be watching the Oscars live but here in America’s 50th state they’re on a four hour tape delay. So I was going to go on the internet, see who won, then bet all the Hawaiians. Trouble is, none of them gave a shit. Maybe if even one of the Best Picture nominees played here they’d be remotely interested.
Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.
Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?
You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.
George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.
Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.
Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.
Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?
I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.
Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.
Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.
Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?
Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.
Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.
When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?
KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????
Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.
They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.
The set was Maestros without the steaks.
I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.
Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.
Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.
My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!
When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.
Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.
William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.
Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.
Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.
Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.
I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.
And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?
It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.
But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.
Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.
Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.
I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.
Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.
Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.
I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.
Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.
How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?
Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.
I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.
CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.
Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.
But I was rooting for them.
In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.
Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.
Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.
Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?
You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.
George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.
Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.
Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.
Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?
I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.
Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.
Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.
Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?
Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.
Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.
When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?
KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????
Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.
They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.
The set was Maestros without the steaks.
I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.
Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.
Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.
My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!
When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.
Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.
William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.
Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.
Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.
Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.
I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.
And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?
It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.
But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.
Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.
Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.
I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.
Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.
Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.
I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.
Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.
How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?
Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.
I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.
CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.
Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.
But I was rooting for them.
In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.
Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.
Sunday, March 5, 2006
The Oscars in Hawaii
I'm in the only place in the world that TAPE DELAYS the Oscars....by four hours. Is that even possible??? So my review will appear early tomorrow morning. Don't tell me who won.
Saturday, March 4, 2006
Oscar Flashback Weekend continues
The Oscars and Joan Rivers are almost upon us. My annual review to follow (assuming I can get online from Hawaii). To get you even more geeked up for the big show than you already are, here’s my Oscar review from 2003. Amazingly, some of the people mentioned are still in the business today.
*******
The theme for this year's Oscarcast, of course, was that darn pesky war. Agonizing question for the creative community -- how do we recognize the men and women giving their lives overseas without letting it spoil our good time? And remember, this IS Hollywood. When President Reagan was shot the morning of the Academy Awards the blazing headline in the next day's Variety was "OSCARCAST POSTPONED". Underneath, in much smaller letters, was "President of the United States shot". Gives you some perspective of this town.
So we had the obligatory ribbons and subdued black prom dresses...although I was expecting some to have duct tape as an accessory.
The real effect of the war was the lack of the red carpet arrivals and thus the pre Oscar warm up show. Personally I'm against the war but if it means keeping Joan and Melissa Rivers away from celebrities then perhaps I should rethink my position. However, I sorely miss Channel 5's local coverage. Hollywood fluff boy, Sam Rubin and his co-host, the obscure Toni Senical, were forced to stay in a studio while rocket scientist Mindy Burbano could only report from the bridge overlooking the entrance. No one-on-one interviews this year, no free Altoids to nominees, no idiotic questions...although Mindy did say, "This is something we haven't seen before -- the limos dropping people off, so that's very unusual."
Let's end this war so we can get back to welcoming celebrities properly!!!
Thank God for Steve Martin. An Oscar host who was actually funny. Not that it was hard to top Whoopi Goldberg. Dustin Hoffman was funnier. I think I liked this year's broadcast because (a) no Whoopi, (b) no Debbie Allen, and (c) Nia Vardalos lost.
Someone tell Cameron Diaz to wash her hair before the show.
The set looked like a bad M.C. Escher drawing.
How could the Visual Effects award go to a picture with talking trees?
Jennifer Connelly seemed somber, supercilious, and humorless this evening. Oh, must be the war.
J-Lo was wearing an actual dress. I look forward to her new revealing dress and new husband every year. .
Not since Bob Hope has an Oscar host lusted after more women.
Mary Steenburgen looked fabulous. Another advantage of Whoopi not being there was that Mary's husband, Ted Danson was able to attend.
The Chicago dance number was very subdued. Only 25 dancers and Wayne Newton's light show. Again, the war.
Jennifer Garner looked even better tonight than she did earlier in the day at the gym. And she looked amazing at the gym.
It was nice that the winner of the Short Film award brought up the writer. We could use some respect. Too bad the writer was wearing a ridiculous pink suit.
Mira Sorvino IS Romy (or was she Michele?).
The winner of the Best Costume award wore the ugliest dress of the evening. It's like she was wrapped in a cat house drape.
I miss Revlon sponsoring. Some good Cadillac commercials however, trying desperately to update their image. I suggest the following new slogan: "Cadillac, it's not just for Jews anymore".
Paul Simon was robbed. Bono was robbed. Was I the only one who found it curious that the one song NOT sung on the broadcast was the one that won. Bet you the "f" word was in it....and I'm not talking about "fictitious".
Congratulations to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe now that she's a distinguished Academy Award winner she'll stop doing those cheesey radio commercials for cellphones. Michael Douglas must be breathing a sigh of relief. As part of her pre-nup if she didn't win an Oscar he had to pay her a million dollars. Makes it easier on him when he ultimately has to pay up for cheating on her.
Whose idea was it to have Instant Replay? The show isn't long enough?
Actors seemed to be walking across the stage slower this evening. Wanting more airtime or the war???
Tough night for Julianne Moore. I think her two nominations cancelled themselves out. She'll be back.
And I hope Diane Lane is back. It kills me that Helen Hunt, Kim Bassinger, Goldie Hawn, Geena Davis, and Cher have Oscars while she doesn't.
"Gangs of New York" was up for a gazillion Oscars. Did you like this movie? Did anyone you ever met like this movie?
Martin Scorcese is starting to look like Woody Allen.
Not enough see-through gowns or slits up to arm pits this year. Considering the crop of movies you gotta give us SOMETHING.
If Peter Jennings talked too long during the news breaks were they prepared to start the music under him?
Halle Berry sure took Adrien Brody's kiss in good fun, didn't she? I hope when he's heading home she'd not driving the car right behind him.
I'm sure you asked it. I'll say it with you: "What is Harrison Ford doing with Calista Flockhart?"
And how many times did they cut to a reaction shot from someone in the audience and you said, "Who's that?" More this year than ever.
The tribute to Oscar winners was awesome and depressing. To me it said this: look how many Oscar winners are out of work."
Is it now an Oscar tradition that the Best Actress winner has to babble and blather on interminably? Let's hope Michael Moore is never nominated for Best Actress.
I love how Olivia de Havilland received a standing ovation. Based on the looks on the faces of the celebrities applauding however, it was clear that most of them had no f'ing clue who she is.
Notice a trend? The serious picture gets Best Director, the popular film gets Best Picture. Same with "Private Ryan" & "Shakespeare In Love".
My pick was "Chicago" although I was hoping "the Hours" won because they sent DVD's to all writers. It's a trend I hope continues.
But as long as Nia Vardelos lost I'm happy.
Next year's Oscar race has begun. Chris Rock's "Head of State" opens Friday along with Delroy Lindo's "The Core".
It just occurred to me, there are dozens of swank Oscar parties going on right now. I'm not invited to any of them. My place in this industry is sitting off to the side writing Oscar reviews for everyone on my email list. Is it any wonder I'm so bitchy?
Until next year because I'm sure I won't be invited to any parties then either....
I wish us all peace and no sequels to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".
Ken Levine
*******
The theme for this year's Oscarcast, of course, was that darn pesky war. Agonizing question for the creative community -- how do we recognize the men and women giving their lives overseas without letting it spoil our good time? And remember, this IS Hollywood. When President Reagan was shot the morning of the Academy Awards the blazing headline in the next day's Variety was "OSCARCAST POSTPONED". Underneath, in much smaller letters, was "President of the United States shot". Gives you some perspective of this town.
So we had the obligatory ribbons and subdued black prom dresses...although I was expecting some to have duct tape as an accessory.
The real effect of the war was the lack of the red carpet arrivals and thus the pre Oscar warm up show. Personally I'm against the war but if it means keeping Joan and Melissa Rivers away from celebrities then perhaps I should rethink my position. However, I sorely miss Channel 5's local coverage. Hollywood fluff boy, Sam Rubin and his co-host, the obscure Toni Senical, were forced to stay in a studio while rocket scientist Mindy Burbano could only report from the bridge overlooking the entrance. No one-on-one interviews this year, no free Altoids to nominees, no idiotic questions...although Mindy did say, "This is something we haven't seen before -- the limos dropping people off, so that's very unusual."
Let's end this war so we can get back to welcoming celebrities properly!!!
Thank God for Steve Martin. An Oscar host who was actually funny. Not that it was hard to top Whoopi Goldberg. Dustin Hoffman was funnier. I think I liked this year's broadcast because (a) no Whoopi, (b) no Debbie Allen, and (c) Nia Vardalos lost.
Someone tell Cameron Diaz to wash her hair before the show.
The set looked like a bad M.C. Escher drawing.
How could the Visual Effects award go to a picture with talking trees?
Jennifer Connelly seemed somber, supercilious, and humorless this evening. Oh, must be the war.
J-Lo was wearing an actual dress. I look forward to her new revealing dress and new husband every year. .
Not since Bob Hope has an Oscar host lusted after more women.
Mary Steenburgen looked fabulous. Another advantage of Whoopi not being there was that Mary's husband, Ted Danson was able to attend.
The Chicago dance number was very subdued. Only 25 dancers and Wayne Newton's light show. Again, the war.
Jennifer Garner looked even better tonight than she did earlier in the day at the gym. And she looked amazing at the gym.
It was nice that the winner of the Short Film award brought up the writer. We could use some respect. Too bad the writer was wearing a ridiculous pink suit.
Mira Sorvino IS Romy (or was she Michele?).
The winner of the Best Costume award wore the ugliest dress of the evening. It's like she was wrapped in a cat house drape.
I miss Revlon sponsoring. Some good Cadillac commercials however, trying desperately to update their image. I suggest the following new slogan: "Cadillac, it's not just for Jews anymore".
Paul Simon was robbed. Bono was robbed. Was I the only one who found it curious that the one song NOT sung on the broadcast was the one that won. Bet you the "f" word was in it....and I'm not talking about "fictitious".
Congratulations to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe now that she's a distinguished Academy Award winner she'll stop doing those cheesey radio commercials for cellphones. Michael Douglas must be breathing a sigh of relief. As part of her pre-nup if she didn't win an Oscar he had to pay her a million dollars. Makes it easier on him when he ultimately has to pay up for cheating on her.
Whose idea was it to have Instant Replay? The show isn't long enough?
Actors seemed to be walking across the stage slower this evening. Wanting more airtime or the war???
Tough night for Julianne Moore. I think her two nominations cancelled themselves out. She'll be back.
And I hope Diane Lane is back. It kills me that Helen Hunt, Kim Bassinger, Goldie Hawn, Geena Davis, and Cher have Oscars while she doesn't.
"Gangs of New York" was up for a gazillion Oscars. Did you like this movie? Did anyone you ever met like this movie?
Martin Scorcese is starting to look like Woody Allen.
Not enough see-through gowns or slits up to arm pits this year. Considering the crop of movies you gotta give us SOMETHING.
If Peter Jennings talked too long during the news breaks were they prepared to start the music under him?
Halle Berry sure took Adrien Brody's kiss in good fun, didn't she? I hope when he's heading home she'd not driving the car right behind him.
I'm sure you asked it. I'll say it with you: "What is Harrison Ford doing with Calista Flockhart?"
And how many times did they cut to a reaction shot from someone in the audience and you said, "Who's that?" More this year than ever.
The tribute to Oscar winners was awesome and depressing. To me it said this: look how many Oscar winners are out of work."
Is it now an Oscar tradition that the Best Actress winner has to babble and blather on interminably? Let's hope Michael Moore is never nominated for Best Actress.
I love how Olivia de Havilland received a standing ovation. Based on the looks on the faces of the celebrities applauding however, it was clear that most of them had no f'ing clue who she is.
Notice a trend? The serious picture gets Best Director, the popular film gets Best Picture. Same with "Private Ryan" & "Shakespeare In Love".
My pick was "Chicago" although I was hoping "the Hours" won because they sent DVD's to all writers. It's a trend I hope continues.
But as long as Nia Vardelos lost I'm happy.
Next year's Oscar race has begun. Chris Rock's "Head of State" opens Friday along with Delroy Lindo's "The Core".
It just occurred to me, there are dozens of swank Oscar parties going on right now. I'm not invited to any of them. My place in this industry is sitting off to the side writing Oscar reviews for everyone on my email list. Is it any wonder I'm so bitchy?
Until next year because I'm sure I won't be invited to any parties then either....
I wish us all peace and no sequels to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".
Ken Levine
Friday, March 3, 2006
An Oscar Flashback Weekend
Aloha from Hawaii. Oscar weekend is here, and so to get you in the mood, here are a couple of my past bitchy Oscar reviews. Today’s is from 2004. Another tomorrow. Mahalo.
****
Welcome to my seventh annual bitchy Oscar review. I didn't get a chance to actually see all the movies this year. For some reason Carmine Caridi didn't loan me his screener tapes.
The Academy Awards were early this year so ABC could finish higher in the February Sweeps than MSNBC.
But earlier Oscars meant fewer full page ads in the trades begging Academy members for nominations. As if these work. My favorite was a few years ago. A full page ad in both Variety and Hollywood Reporter. "For your consideration for BEST ACTOR: DeForrest Kelley, Doc, STAR TREK:THE WRATH OF KAHN".
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
As usual I never watch a second of Joan and Melissa Rivers, the Jewish answer to trailer trash.
Angelina Jolie was resplendent in her elegant gown and tattoos.
Yes, Catherine Zeta-Jones looked spectacular but mark my words, she's only three years away from Haddassah arms.
Samantha Morton wore a MacArthur Park dress....it looked like the cake that was left out in the rain.
I'm sorry the Giant Eye from LORD OF THE RINGS didn't win best supporting actor. The horse from SEABISCUIT wasn't even nominated but did land the starring role in the great new Fox pilot, MR. ED.
Billy Crystal hosted again in a desperate attempt to make us all think he still has a feature career.
Jon Stewart, who has as much of a feature career, should be the emcee.
Crystal did a nice job however although his song parodies stopped being funny and fresh six Oscarcasts ago. It's been three years since he last hosted. He couldn't come up with something new in three years? Again, it's not like he's been off making movies.
Why are the Academy Awards classier than the Golden Globes? Sean Connery gives the welcome speech for the Oscars and someone like Rob Schneider does the honor for the Globes.
Since I'm tired of not being nominated I am writing and producing the can't-miss Oscar candidate for next year. Done in the Pixar style, Tim Robbins and Judi Dench play two retards in Middle Earth, directed by Clint Eastwood. Sweeping battle scenes and a dreary Sting song. And Rene Zellwegger as their best friend, "Squint". Total running time: 5 hours 32 minutes.
Has there ever been an Oscar show with LESS suspense??? I found myself rooting for movies I hated just to see an upset.
The set looked like a giant waffle iron.
Congratulations to Tim Robbins. Glad that he won on ABC, the same network that once fired him from the SHAPING UP sitcom pilot.
Rene Zellwegger is the Academy's new darling. She can do accents and never has dated Billy Bob Thornton.
I love how they showed Nichole Kidman when Rene thanked Tom Cruise. Meow.
The Bob Hope tribute was nice. Now that Tom Hanks has starred in and produced movies about World War II he is the Hollywood representative when it comes to the Army (which is why he introduced the Hope tribute I suppose). I remember when that representative used to be an actor who had actually served in the military.
I see the hip hop revolution lasted all of one year. Even Roberto Bernigni lasted two.
Liv Tyler's hair off to one side was interesting. Who was her designer, Picasso?
I'm still humming that catchy COLD MOUNTAIN theme.
After seeing Johnny Depp's haircut I now know why he wore a hat to the Golden Globes. Is he joining Flock of Seagulls?
My son was surprised the winners for the tech awards didn't have pocket protectors in their tuxedos.
Designer Vera Wang wore a dead raccoon. Which looked good on her, by the way.
Every time I hear Jim Carrey being introduced at one of these events I positively cringe. He is unfunny on a par with Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Lieberman.
I enjoyed the Blake Edwards salute. Nice to see a comedy director honored...even if he did ROUGH CUT, SWITCH, BLIND DATE, A FINE MESS, and S.O.B.
Scarlett Johansson wore the mermaid costume from SPLASH but it still looked fabulous on her.
LORD OF THE RINGS might have won 11 Oscars but MASTER & COMMANDER got the big one -- Sound Editing. Expect a big spike in boxoffice receipts this weekend.
The following women looked beautiful: Diane Lane, Jennifer Garner, Holly Hunter (boy, she didn't look that good at my friend's briss), Naomi Watts, and Susan Sarandon (whose push up bra served as her dress).
Can't say the same for Diane Keaton. What was with the Annie Hall look? She makes a movie celebrating her age then dresses like she did 28 years ago. And looked ridiculous in that outfit THEN.
I hope Alec Baldwin has better luck with his custody battle than he did with the Oscars. Remember when he used to be such a catch? Tonight his companion was one of his brothers, either Billy or Fredo, I don't know them well enough.
Catch phrase of the year: "this was an incredible JOURNEY". No movie was a production, it was a "journey". No one had careers. They were all on "journeys". I'm hoping next year the catch phrase will be "What's Up, Hollywood, what's up? Jump on it! Jump on it!"
No nomination for Russell Crowe this year. Guess he has now slept with and dumped every female member of the Academy.
Was Charlize Theron Jean Harlow or what?
No ribbons this go-round. Causes must be so last year.
Director Peter Jackson looked like Rupert on SURVIVOR. They don't have combs in New Zealand? I pity the poor After-Oscar Party that has a buffet.
Lovely tribute for Kate Hepburn delivered by today's equivalent in talent and stature, Julia Roberts. Seeing that montage you had to marvel. Kate Hepburn had a 70 year career and never once had to do a TV series.
Annie Lennox looked like Peter Pan in drag.
How could LORD OF THE RINGS win for best editing when the movie was 3:30 long? What did they possibly leave out???
Thank God for Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. I thought the catagory was "Best Original Song" not "Best Original Dirge".
Only surprise: Brian Helgeland didn't win for writing MYSTIC RIVER. He lost out to a movie where a character named Smiegel says "my preciousssssss" forty thousand times.
I was very happy for Sofia Coppola winning the "Best Original Screenplay" award. Just compare LOST IN TRANSLATION with the bogus SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE which explored the same subject matter in a superficial Hollywood way and you appreciate why Sofia won. She featured real people wrestling with real emotions. It's always nice when a fluke wins.
How come Katherine Hepburn got a longer tribute than Gregory Peck? Not that I'm counting lines.
Odd that they gave out the "Best Director" award before the "Best Actor and Actress".
I can't comment on most of the speeches. I Tivoed past them. What does it say when I Tivo through the show but stop at the ABC Natalie Wood biopic promo?
Charlize Theron thanked her mom but not her dad. There's a good reason for this. Her mom shot and killed her dad, who apparently was abusive. (True story) I find it annoying that the announcer spews meaningless Oscar statistics while the winners are walking up to the stage. Wouldn't you love to hear: "Charlize Theron is the first Oscar winner whose mother shot her father"?
Last year Nicole Kidman won for Best Actress with a big nose attached to her face. This year it's Charlize Theron made to look like a skanky whore. How Hollywood is that? Instead of hiring actresses who really are plain or ugly they would rather hire actresses who are gorgeous and load them with make up.
Sean Penn finally won his Oscar. After playing the same meltdown scene in seventeen previous movies they finally gave him one to make him stop.
Bill Murray should have won. It was his best performance since MEATBALLS.
Hope you didn't have any money down on SEABISCUIT.
Until next year, when I'm again at my computer instead of an Oscar party.....
See you at the movies...or at least the video store.
Ken Levine
****
Welcome to my seventh annual bitchy Oscar review. I didn't get a chance to actually see all the movies this year. For some reason Carmine Caridi didn't loan me his screener tapes.
The Academy Awards were early this year so ABC could finish higher in the February Sweeps than MSNBC.
But earlier Oscars meant fewer full page ads in the trades begging Academy members for nominations. As if these work. My favorite was a few years ago. A full page ad in both Variety and Hollywood Reporter. "For your consideration for BEST ACTOR: DeForrest Kelley, Doc, STAR TREK:THE WRATH OF KAHN".
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
As usual I never watch a second of Joan and Melissa Rivers, the Jewish answer to trailer trash.
Angelina Jolie was resplendent in her elegant gown and tattoos.
Yes, Catherine Zeta-Jones looked spectacular but mark my words, she's only three years away from Haddassah arms.
Samantha Morton wore a MacArthur Park dress....it looked like the cake that was left out in the rain.
I'm sorry the Giant Eye from LORD OF THE RINGS didn't win best supporting actor. The horse from SEABISCUIT wasn't even nominated but did land the starring role in the great new Fox pilot, MR. ED.
Billy Crystal hosted again in a desperate attempt to make us all think he still has a feature career.
Jon Stewart, who has as much of a feature career, should be the emcee.
Crystal did a nice job however although his song parodies stopped being funny and fresh six Oscarcasts ago. It's been three years since he last hosted. He couldn't come up with something new in three years? Again, it's not like he's been off making movies.
Why are the Academy Awards classier than the Golden Globes? Sean Connery gives the welcome speech for the Oscars and someone like Rob Schneider does the honor for the Globes.
Since I'm tired of not being nominated I am writing and producing the can't-miss Oscar candidate for next year. Done in the Pixar style, Tim Robbins and Judi Dench play two retards in Middle Earth, directed by Clint Eastwood. Sweeping battle scenes and a dreary Sting song. And Rene Zellwegger as their best friend, "Squint". Total running time: 5 hours 32 minutes.
Has there ever been an Oscar show with LESS suspense??? I found myself rooting for movies I hated just to see an upset.
The set looked like a giant waffle iron.
Congratulations to Tim Robbins. Glad that he won on ABC, the same network that once fired him from the SHAPING UP sitcom pilot.
Rene Zellwegger is the Academy's new darling. She can do accents and never has dated Billy Bob Thornton.
I love how they showed Nichole Kidman when Rene thanked Tom Cruise. Meow.
The Bob Hope tribute was nice. Now that Tom Hanks has starred in and produced movies about World War II he is the Hollywood representative when it comes to the Army (which is why he introduced the Hope tribute I suppose). I remember when that representative used to be an actor who had actually served in the military.
I see the hip hop revolution lasted all of one year. Even Roberto Bernigni lasted two.
Liv Tyler's hair off to one side was interesting. Who was her designer, Picasso?
I'm still humming that catchy COLD MOUNTAIN theme.
After seeing Johnny Depp's haircut I now know why he wore a hat to the Golden Globes. Is he joining Flock of Seagulls?
My son was surprised the winners for the tech awards didn't have pocket protectors in their tuxedos.
Designer Vera Wang wore a dead raccoon. Which looked good on her, by the way.
Every time I hear Jim Carrey being introduced at one of these events I positively cringe. He is unfunny on a par with Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Lieberman.
I enjoyed the Blake Edwards salute. Nice to see a comedy director honored...even if he did ROUGH CUT, SWITCH, BLIND DATE, A FINE MESS, and S.O.B.
Scarlett Johansson wore the mermaid costume from SPLASH but it still looked fabulous on her.
LORD OF THE RINGS might have won 11 Oscars but MASTER & COMMANDER got the big one -- Sound Editing. Expect a big spike in boxoffice receipts this weekend.
The following women looked beautiful: Diane Lane, Jennifer Garner, Holly Hunter (boy, she didn't look that good at my friend's briss), Naomi Watts, and Susan Sarandon (whose push up bra served as her dress).
Can't say the same for Diane Keaton. What was with the Annie Hall look? She makes a movie celebrating her age then dresses like she did 28 years ago. And looked ridiculous in that outfit THEN.
I hope Alec Baldwin has better luck with his custody battle than he did with the Oscars. Remember when he used to be such a catch? Tonight his companion was one of his brothers, either Billy or Fredo, I don't know them well enough.
Catch phrase of the year: "this was an incredible JOURNEY". No movie was a production, it was a "journey". No one had careers. They were all on "journeys". I'm hoping next year the catch phrase will be "What's Up, Hollywood, what's up? Jump on it! Jump on it!"
No nomination for Russell Crowe this year. Guess he has now slept with and dumped every female member of the Academy.
Was Charlize Theron Jean Harlow or what?
No ribbons this go-round. Causes must be so last year.
Director Peter Jackson looked like Rupert on SURVIVOR. They don't have combs in New Zealand? I pity the poor After-Oscar Party that has a buffet.
Lovely tribute for Kate Hepburn delivered by today's equivalent in talent and stature, Julia Roberts. Seeing that montage you had to marvel. Kate Hepburn had a 70 year career and never once had to do a TV series.
Annie Lennox looked like Peter Pan in drag.
How could LORD OF THE RINGS win for best editing when the movie was 3:30 long? What did they possibly leave out???
Thank God for Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. I thought the catagory was "Best Original Song" not "Best Original Dirge".
Only surprise: Brian Helgeland didn't win for writing MYSTIC RIVER. He lost out to a movie where a character named Smiegel says "my preciousssssss" forty thousand times.
I was very happy for Sofia Coppola winning the "Best Original Screenplay" award. Just compare LOST IN TRANSLATION with the bogus SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE which explored the same subject matter in a superficial Hollywood way and you appreciate why Sofia won. She featured real people wrestling with real emotions. It's always nice when a fluke wins.
How come Katherine Hepburn got a longer tribute than Gregory Peck? Not that I'm counting lines.
Odd that they gave out the "Best Director" award before the "Best Actor and Actress".
I can't comment on most of the speeches. I Tivoed past them. What does it say when I Tivo through the show but stop at the ABC Natalie Wood biopic promo?
Charlize Theron thanked her mom but not her dad. There's a good reason for this. Her mom shot and killed her dad, who apparently was abusive. (True story) I find it annoying that the announcer spews meaningless Oscar statistics while the winners are walking up to the stage. Wouldn't you love to hear: "Charlize Theron is the first Oscar winner whose mother shot her father"?
Last year Nicole Kidman won for Best Actress with a big nose attached to her face. This year it's Charlize Theron made to look like a skanky whore. How Hollywood is that? Instead of hiring actresses who really are plain or ugly they would rather hire actresses who are gorgeous and load them with make up.
Sean Penn finally won his Oscar. After playing the same meltdown scene in seventeen previous movies they finally gave him one to make him stop.
Bill Murray should have won. It was his best performance since MEATBALLS.
Hope you didn't have any money down on SEABISCUIT.
Until next year, when I'm again at my computer instead of an Oscar party.....
See you at the movies...or at least the video store.
Ken Levine
Thursday, March 2, 2006
He's not always a genius
This town is really getting swept up in Oscar Fever. And by this town I mean Wailea, Maui. I’m on vacation. But in anticipation of the big show here’s something I needed to get off my chest.
Ang Lee certainly deserves his directing nomination for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. But I still have to scratch my head. This is the same guy who directed THE HULK people! To refresh your memory, here was my review of that film when it came out.
*****
I made the mistake of seeing THE HULK today. Is it possible that the same guy who directed CROUCHING TIGER and ICE STORM made this steaming pile?? Maybe the worst movie since FREDDY GOT FINGERED. No, it WAS worse. An absolute career ender for all involved.
Jennifer Connelly should give back her Oscar (well, she should anyway).
Nick Nolte was so over-the-top that Bruce Dern in his most crazed "can we kill her now, daddy, can we, can we?" phase was reserved. And he looked better in his mug shot.
Sam Elliott remains the worst American actor since Neil Diamond.
And as for the Hulk itself, I never thought I'd say it but I missed Lou Ferrigno.
The artsy-fartsy scene transitions made the movie look like a Bar Mitzvah video. And it was so relentlessly disjointed, derivative, and stupid that by the end the audience was turning green.
And dialogue? Not to "spoil" anything, but after a twenty minute sequence of the Hulk bouncing from the Grand Canyon to San Francisco pursued by strafing F-16's and helicopters, then a chase sequence through downtown SF resulting in major havoc and a thousand army vehicles -- he finally reverts back to his human self when he reunites with Jennifer Connelly and says with childlike wonder "You found me." Yeah. Amazing. Thank God she had ON STAR.
His mother has a death scene by the way,that Lillian Gish would find too mawkish.
From Stan Lee to Ang Lee this was an unmitigated disaster. I should've seen KELLY & JUSTIN instead.
******
Guess I was wrong about the “career ending” prediction, huh?
Aloha.
Ang Lee certainly deserves his directing nomination for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. But I still have to scratch my head. This is the same guy who directed THE HULK people! To refresh your memory, here was my review of that film when it came out.
*****
I made the mistake of seeing THE HULK today. Is it possible that the same guy who directed CROUCHING TIGER and ICE STORM made this steaming pile?? Maybe the worst movie since FREDDY GOT FINGERED. No, it WAS worse. An absolute career ender for all involved.
Jennifer Connelly should give back her Oscar (well, she should anyway).
Nick Nolte was so over-the-top that Bruce Dern in his most crazed "can we kill her now, daddy, can we, can we?" phase was reserved. And he looked better in his mug shot.
Sam Elliott remains the worst American actor since Neil Diamond.
And as for the Hulk itself, I never thought I'd say it but I missed Lou Ferrigno.
The artsy-fartsy scene transitions made the movie look like a Bar Mitzvah video. And it was so relentlessly disjointed, derivative, and stupid that by the end the audience was turning green.
And dialogue? Not to "spoil" anything, but after a twenty minute sequence of the Hulk bouncing from the Grand Canyon to San Francisco pursued by strafing F-16's and helicopters, then a chase sequence through downtown SF resulting in major havoc and a thousand army vehicles -- he finally reverts back to his human self when he reunites with Jennifer Connelly and says with childlike wonder "You found me." Yeah. Amazing. Thank God she had ON STAR.
His mother has a death scene by the way,that Lillian Gish would find too mawkish.
From Stan Lee to Ang Lee this was an unmitigated disaster. I should've seen KELLY & JUSTIN instead.
******
Guess I was wrong about the “career ending” prediction, huh?
Aloha.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
M*A*S*H N*O*T*E*S
For those who wanted more MASH stories here’s a good one.
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made a one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made a one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
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