Oscar Review 2006

If I were in Bhutan or Croatia I’d be watching the Oscars live but here in America’s 50th state they’re on a four hour tape delay. So I was going to go on the internet, see who won, then bet all the Hawaiians. Trouble is, none of them gave a shit. Maybe if even one of the Best Picture nominees played here they’d be remotely interested.

Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.

Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?

You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.

George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.

Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.

Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.

Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?

I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.

Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.

Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.

Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.

Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.

When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?

KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????

Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.

They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.

The set was Maestros without the steaks.

I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.

Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.

Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.

My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!

When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.

Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.

William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.

Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.

Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.

Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.

I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.

And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?

It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.

But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.

Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.

Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.

I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.

Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.

Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.

I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.

Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.

How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?

Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.

I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.

CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.

Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.

But I was rooting for them.

In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.

Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.