Morning radio

Now that Howard’s gone there’s nothing to listen to on the radio in the morning. Certainly not if you’re looking for a laugh. (Sure, Howard is on Sirius but unlike sex, I feel it’s morally wrong to pay for it). Locally there’s Kevin & Bean on KROQ but I can’t take that head banging music at 7 A.M. (When will we finally see the “tender” side of Metallica?). Don Imus has gotten so bitter and craggy he’s morphed into his own face. The hole left by Rick Dees’s departure is no hole at all. The best I can do is XM and their three comedy channels.

But my choices seem to be the old school “classic” comedians station which should be renamed “I dunno, at the time they seemed funny” or the X-rated current comic stations, which is really the “Lewis Black challenge” and no one seems to come even close. Four out of five women comics are lesbians and that’s their whole act. How many times can you hear “If God wanted us to be with men he wouldn’t have invented vibrators” jokes? And if they’re not lesbians they’re Sarah Silverman clones (and even Sarah Silverman is becoming a Sarah Silverman clone these days).

What’s a commuter to do? I’d listen to NPR but then I’d have to hear the news. And the Jerry Lewis book on tape was not nearly as deliciously appalling as I had hoped it would be.

But then last week, a miracle. A great morning show. A great comic. Everything I had been craving all this time, all in one. Elayne Boosler was filling in on the Stephanie Miller syndicated show.

I’ve always been a fan but hearing Elayne handle this show reminded me of just how much better she is than most of her carpet munching or testicle collecting peers. She’s not the current “Flavor of the Month” but she is topical, relatable, quick, and very funny. Here are a few examples of what she said this week:

*****

You know what Al Jazeera means in English? Fox News.

What's the difference between a blog and a diary anyway? Well, I guess the Blog of Anne Frank wouldn't have had as much cachet.

Why are the Muslims so mad about the cartoons? If you can't draw the prophet and they've never seen the prophet, how do they know it was a picture of the
prophet? I thought it was Mandy Patinkin in a turban.

I think gay people should be allowed to marry each other. Just so they stop marrying Liza Minnelli.

On the news I saw two men in their eighties get married after living together faithfully for fifty three years. Who thinks this destroys the sanctity of marriage? Rush Limbaugh and his fourth ex wife.

He calls us elitists? Unlike him, I don't send my maid out when I need drugs. When I need a fix I get in my car at four in the morning and go downtown. And I know my drug dealers kids names.

I don't know if Barry Bonds is using steroids, but he did win the Kentucky Derby last year.

Athletes are upset that Bonds may have an unfair advantage because he distorted his body? Welcome to the world of women. You can't even watch the Oscars if you don't have implants.

Botox? Women spend five hundred dollars to get a shot of animal botulism in their foreheads, yet, they worry about mad cow disease. Eat a bad hamburger for two dollars, see if you like your face frozen like that before you spend
all that money.

The whole country gets ridiculous plastic surgery now. You know women are getting "vaginal rejuvenation"? Do they send it to Miami for a week?

Yes, women are getting their vaginal lips shortened. I can't imagine why. I guess it makes your legs look longer.

******

Elayne still tours and according to her website is involved in a number of projects, including the “Tails of Joy” animal rescue foundation which she started. (www.tailsofjoy.net)

I wish she toured more. I wish she did more SHOWTIME specials. But most of all I wish she got her own radio show. I mean, they gave one to Mickey Dolenz and David Lee Roth for godsakes. Why not someone who’s good? VERY good.