How to REALLY write a romantic comedy

You want to write a romantic comedy screenplay and sell it for a million dollars. So you take classes, read books, study story structure, analyze classic screen comedies, even put yourself through a couple of Nora Ephron films, and you think you’re ready.

You’re not.

Because even though those things are important they’re not what’s going to sell your movie. THESE will.

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You need a high concept. A BIG hook. To where “the girl is a mermaid” just barely makes the grade. Your characters can be real as long as there’s time travel.

The studio needs to visualize the one-sheet. In other words, the poster. And if you can provide a tag line that would be good too. “What if the girl of your dreams was your grandmother?”

There must be five good “trailer moments”. Studios don’t think in terms of 90 minutes, they think in terms of 90 seconds. There better be pratfalls. Someone in an avocado mask. Hugs and crashes.

Be sure to include five block comedy scenes. Zany sequences that generally involve destruction, humiliation, emasculation, dogs, and toilets. If they were making SOME LIKE IT HOT today Joe E. Brown would be giving Jack Lemmon a bikini wax. THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH would be Ben-Gay in Marilyn Monroe's panties.

Just as you see it every day in real life, have a group of strangers sing an infectious song from the 60’s and do a perfectly choreographed spontaneous dance number.

New York, Chicago, and Paris -- better than Detroit, Cleveland, and Warsaw.

And finally, it’s not enough anymore to have a happy ending, you need a sappy happy ending. A memorable line of dialogue wouldn't hurt either. "Without you I'm only me." "Before I met you, love was a noun. Now it's a verb."

Follow these guidelines, keep your script under 110 pages and there could be an Ashton Kutcher/Kate Hudson in your future. Good luck!!

Ho-leeee cowww!

Thank you, Tigers. No more Yankees. No more Spike Lee in the crowd. No more Donald Trump in his luxury box. No more John Sterling "theeeee Yankeees winnnn!" Unfortunately, I think no more Joe Torre. But he'll probably be happier than T-bag escaping from prison.

I'd hate to be the program director of the YES Network for the next five months. And I'd sure hate to be A-Rod.

Maybe now the Mets can get front page coverage.

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On Friday night’s AL division playoff game, Jon Miller had longtime Tiger broadcaster, Ernie Harwell come on to do a few innings. It was great to hear his crackling voice and at 88 Ernie was still as sharp as ever. Certainly sharper than analyst, Joe Morgan. But it brought to mind the days when each team had a distinctive announcer. And no one was more distinctive than the Scooter, Phil Rizzuto.

A former player, Rizzuto never really made the transition to broadcaster. And that was his charm. If there was a player’s name he couldn’t pronounce he’d just call him “Huckleberry”. He could never remember my name during the years I was a colleague so he always just called me “Mash”. When scoring a game he would often write WW following a player’s at bat. That meant “wasn’t watching”.

There are many great Phil Rizzuto stories. You probably have some. Here are my two favorites.

The Yankees were playing at Tiger Stadium one night. It was easy to hit home runs down the left field line. It was just a 340 foot chip shot. On the left field wall was a digital clock. A Yankee hit a home run and Rizzuto almost came out of his seat, saying on the air, “Holy cow, what a poke! He had that over the 808 sign!”

And then there was the day where his post game show was interrupted with the bulletin that Pope John Paul I had died after only a month of service. When he got back on the air, the first thing Rizzuto said was, “Wow. News like that could dampen even a Yankee win.”

C’mon, seriously, wouldn’t you rather hear the Scooter than Tim McCarver?

You're only as good as your last credit

Hello from San Francisco. Well, actually Emeryville but I can see San Francisco.

According to imdb.com I was the location manager on DANTE’S PEAK. This is news to me. I didn’t even see DANTE’S PEAK. Yet imdb has it listed and my agent is still pressing me for his commission. Nor was I the Environmental Production Advisor on FLIPPER although I was brought in to punch up his dialogue, and I was not the Location Manager on JURASSIC PARK even though I still write off Hawaiian trips and use Spielberg as a reference. I don’t know where imdb gets this information (I suspect my mother) but I’ve tried several times to get them to correct it but they won’t. So now when I get calls from other Location Managers (which I do) I just recommend our backyard for whatever they need. I’ve made a tidy sum on production rentals.

Worse are some credits they list that ARE true. How many directing assignments have I missed out on because potential employers saw I did multiple episodes of ASK HARRIET? Someone once said you’re only as good as your worst credit. We have shared credit on MANNEQUIN 2 for godsakes!

And then there are the credits imdb omitted that I am proud of. David and I created and produced a show on CBS in ’93 called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin. (Cancelled because they had to make room for the Faye Dunaway comedy and the Peter Scolari comedy. No, I’m not bitter). We wrote on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (okay, they were kind to skip that one), and we wrote and “guest starred” in an episode of OPEN ALL NIGHT. Notable because after that we never “guest starred” again.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who did the BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL). They asked us to write an episode. We saw that Jay was also going to be one of the series regulars so we asked if we could be in the show. They said, “Sure, what do we care?” So we wrote ourselves two fabulous parts. We were Sean & Evan, two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. Tom & Jay didn’t change a word of our dialogue. All they did was add one little sentence in the stage direction:

THE WOMEN GET TIRED OF THESE GUYS AND FLIP THEM OVER THEIR SHOULDERS.

For the entire week of production we were getting thrown around all over the stage. Landing on our backs, landing on our heads. We were black and blue with multiple concussions. I still have a bruise. Finally, after the dress rehearsal just before the filming, Jay came to us and said, “Uh listen boys, we’re going to cut the stunt”.

Not only do I want to see that credit on imdb, I want it listed first.

Un film de

I'm off to San Francisco for a long weekend. Travelogue to follow next week. Assuming the Bates Motel has internet access I'll continue to post this weekend.

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My daughter has to come up with a couple of screenplay ideas for her writing class at Northwestern. It takes me back to my college days and all those terrible student films.

From what I’ve seen of recent student films, nothing has changed. This is a typical student film:

MUSIC UP: “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.

FADE IN:

EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
A well pumps oil. Forty or fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
CLOSE ON a knife.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY
Children frolic and play.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
A girl is getting stabbed repeatedly. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

CLOSE UP of cellphone as it RINGS and RINGS and RINGS. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

A river of blood.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. NEW JERSEY EXPRESSWAY – DAY

A teddy bear is SQUASHED by a truck. ZOOM in on the bear remains.

FADE OUT. THE END

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Okay, first off, there is no such thing as a SMASH CUT!!! A cut is a cut. How can you cut from one frame to another any faster?

Secondly, why do all these student masterpieces have to be soooo pretentious, ALWAYS feature a murder, rely on symbolism that only they get, and opt for an ear splitting soundtrack? God forbid, a student wanted to do something really different, something wildly controversial, and by that I mean (dare I say it?) “commercial”! Maybe prepare an actual script, include a story, do a comedy. Would the department stone them? I mean, it’s fine to be an “artist” but really, it’s okay not to bore the shit out of an audience.

When I was a student at UCLA the big thing was “the message.” Every film had to have a “message”. It didn’t have to be decipherable, just deep. Like me, my friend, Tom thought this was bullshit. But he knew how to play the game. Here’s his account of his student film.

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Yes, the 8mm masterwork was "Meat, a film by Chuck Roast." It was an artsy, hand held, quick cut look at America's obsession with eating animal flesh: Hanging carcasses, muddy feed lots, Dad bringing home McBurgers to his glowing family all sitting expectantly at the table, including the dog. It ended with a mound of hamburger exploding in Antonioni-style slow motion.

The film students and faculty loved it and it earned an A.

I think it took about 8 days to make. Lab work by Sav-On.

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So my advice to all you future Scorceses about to run off and make your brilliant senior project film, ask yourself the following question: “Where’s the beef?”

When they don't laugh

First off,

If you ever wondered what I sounded like as a disc jockey...

GREAT BIG RADIO will run a one hour sample of my work from 1977 on KTNQ tonight at 7 p.m. West Coast time, 10 p.m. East Coast time. Relive all your favorite stiffs from the 70's and see why I got out of radio.

Now to the real post:

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To be a TV comedy writer you have to have thick skin. Generally you’re in a room with other comedy writers, all neurotics, competing against each other to get your ideas or jokes in the script. Eight puppies and one sock.

Many times you’ll pitch a joke that doesn’t get a laugh or doesn’t get in. You’re out there with egg on your face. I find it’s best to develop a series of savers. As a public service, here are a few I use. (Note: if you find yourself using all of these in a five minute span consider other employment).

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Hey guys, don’t all hoist me on your shoulders at once!

Okay, but you’re denying America pleasure.

Oh God, it’s my prom night all over again.

If Jon Stewart pitched that you’d put it right in.

I hear laughter but I don’t see the pencil moving.

Okay, don’t see your kids tonight. Stay all night. I’m doing this for you. Some thanks I get.

Sure, it’s not funny when I say it. But when (actor) says it…

You’re only mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Nurse! They’re being mean to me again!

The laugh machine will LOVE it.

I bet at JERICO they’d be hysterical.

Fine. I wasn’t meant to be appreciated in my time.

I don’t feel the love, you assholes.

You try being funny when you’re having a stroke.

See it typed. You’ll think differently.

Okay, what if they said it in a funny accent?

I’m sorry. Are there no more seats at the Algonquin Round Table?

So you’re saying perfection isn’t good enough?

Hey, you hired me!

(In Forghorn Leghorn voice) I say, I say, I keep pitchin’ ‘em, boy, and you keep missin’ ‘em.

Jesus, people, doesn’t ANYTHING make you laugh?

You all remember. I used to be funny, right?

And of course, the ultimate saver and perennial crowd pleaser – Go fuck yourself.

Who's who on LOST

LOST is my favorite show. In preparation for Wednesday night’s season premiere, here are the handy character sketches you’ll need to be up to speed and fully enjoy the show.

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JACK (Matthew Fox) – Handsome doctor who’s the unofficial leader of the castaways. You know that because his name is Jack. All alpha male drama stars are named Jack. God forbid an action hero is named Percy. Is hot for Kate. Still asks for insurance before providing medical aid.

KATE (Evangeline Lilly) – When not murdering people is charming and sexy. Gets caught in nets a lot. I love that about her. Every guy lusts for her even though they know she’s a homicidal fugitive. But, as Mel Gibson would say, “as long as she’s not Jewish.”

JOHN (Terry O’Quinn) – Believes everything is for a reason. Puts him in conflict with Jack who believes the actors are just making the stuff up. Father duped him out of a kidney. Caused a rift. Miraculously able to walk once on the island. Had he claimed it was Scientology would have been shot.

CHARLIE (Dominic Monaghan) – One hit wonder UK rock star. If rescued, the first thing he will do is fire his agent for this gig. Is drug addict. Known to snort trees and bushes. Loves new mother Claire. Nicknamed her baby “Turnip Head”. Doesn’t realize it’s a nickname.

CLAIRE (Emilie de Ravin) – Kidnapped and escaped while pregnant. Suspects captors did alien probe type tests on her. Abductors could get an extra five years tacked onto their sentence for that.

HURLEY (Jorge Garcia) – Been through this before. Survived the cancellation of BECKER. Won a $156 million lottery and has been cursed ever since. Until he won he didn’t realize he was 200 pounds overweight. Vocabulary includes, “Dude” and…well actually, that’s it.

MICHAEL (Harold Perrineau) – African-American. In order to get his kidnapped son back he shot two series regulars. But they were only season two regulars so he’s still considered an okay guy.

WALT (Malcolm David Kelley) – Nine year old son of Michael. Mystic powers. Conjured up a polar bear on the island. Grounded two weeks for that.

SAYID (Naveen Andrews) – Terrorist with heart of gold. Tortured people before it became non PC.

SAWYER (Josh Holloway) – Handsome bad boy. The guy all girls desire until they realize he’s terrible for them and marries an accountant named Percy instead.

JIN-SOON (Daniel Dae Kim) – Korean. Married to Sun. Went into her father’s business as thug. She doesn’t know her Dad is in Asian mafia. Horse head in bed was explained away as fraternity prank. Only speaks in sub-titles.

SUN (Yunjin Kim) Married to Jin-Soon. Learned English by watching MASH. Pregnant but husband is impotent. Someone’s in for a shock during May sweeps. Actually, two people.

MR. EKO (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbale) – African African. Spiritual, mysterious, strong as hell. In another life the Indian in CUCKOO’S NEST or James Bond’s guide in DR. NO.

One for the Coach

Nick Colasanto, who played the Coach on CHEERS had a background that might surprise you. He directed quite a few episodes of HAWAII 5-0, COLUMBO, STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, and numerous other hour shows. As an actor he usually played the heavy and had a featured role in RAGING BULL. His TV acting credits include every cop show with a one word title (MCCLOUD, MANNIX, IRONSIDES, COLUMBO, KOJAK, BARETTA, etc.) He was also a very prominent acting teacher in New York.

Director James Burrow said the great thing about Nicky is that you could swear he never saw the joke coming. But boy could he score. Half the time he got laughs on straight lines. Talk about a writer’s dream! And he was a wonderful person. Kind, generous, very much like the character he portrayed.

But Nick had trouble had memorizing scripts. As I mentioned, his lines were hidden everywhere. And I’m reminded of one story which is pretty much quintessential Nick.

After filming an episode one night the cast had to do promos for NBC. It was midnight. Everyone was tired. Not a great time for close ups, but still. Shelly was first. She was given the script, and dutifully pitched her lines.

Nick was next. We knew giving him a script was not a great idea so we talked the promo guy into just feeding Nick the lines right out of camera range.

Everyone got into positions. The promo guy said, “Thursday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick repeated it back, really selling it. We all looked at each other impressed. He did that better than Shelley.

The delighted promo man then said, “Friday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick parroted it back. The promo guy said, “once again.” Nick looked right into the camera and with great conviction said, “Once again!”

I miss you Coach. Once again.

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STUDIO 60: week three

The first and only rule in comedy is don't take yourself too seriously. STUDIO 60 is like the Rand Corporation Think Tank doing a late night sketch show. King Arthur couldn't pull Excalibur out of anyone's asshole on that show. Yikes!!