Un film de

I'm off to San Francisco for a long weekend. Travelogue to follow next week. Assuming the Bates Motel has internet access I'll continue to post this weekend.

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My daughter has to come up with a couple of screenplay ideas for her writing class at Northwestern. It takes me back to my college days and all those terrible student films.

From what I’ve seen of recent student films, nothing has changed. This is a typical student film:

MUSIC UP: “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.

FADE IN:

EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
A well pumps oil. Forty or fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
CLOSE ON a knife.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY
Children frolic and play.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
A girl is getting stabbed repeatedly. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

CLOSE UP of cellphone as it RINGS and RINGS and RINGS. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

A river of blood.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. NEW JERSEY EXPRESSWAY – DAY

A teddy bear is SQUASHED by a truck. ZOOM in on the bear remains.

FADE OUT. THE END

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Okay, first off, there is no such thing as a SMASH CUT!!! A cut is a cut. How can you cut from one frame to another any faster?

Secondly, why do all these student masterpieces have to be soooo pretentious, ALWAYS feature a murder, rely on symbolism that only they get, and opt for an ear splitting soundtrack? God forbid, a student wanted to do something really different, something wildly controversial, and by that I mean (dare I say it?) “commercial”! Maybe prepare an actual script, include a story, do a comedy. Would the department stone them? I mean, it’s fine to be an “artist” but really, it’s okay not to bore the shit out of an audience.

When I was a student at UCLA the big thing was “the message.” Every film had to have a “message”. It didn’t have to be decipherable, just deep. Like me, my friend, Tom thought this was bullshit. But he knew how to play the game. Here’s his account of his student film.

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Yes, the 8mm masterwork was "Meat, a film by Chuck Roast." It was an artsy, hand held, quick cut look at America's obsession with eating animal flesh: Hanging carcasses, muddy feed lots, Dad bringing home McBurgers to his glowing family all sitting expectantly at the table, including the dog. It ended with a mound of hamburger exploding in Antonioni-style slow motion.

The film students and faculty loved it and it earned an A.

I think it took about 8 days to make. Lab work by Sav-On.

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So my advice to all you future Scorceses about to run off and make your brilliant senior project film, ask yourself the following question: “Where’s the beef?”