The Apprentice: LA

THE APPRENTICE is back! NBC has such tremendous faith in the show that they’ve scheduled it against DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. If you’re not familiar with the premise, it’s SURVIVOR except the guys wear Brooks Brothers and the women wear Jones of New York. 18 of the most insufferable preppy arrogant good-looking over-achievers vie for an executive position with Donald Trump’s organization. Another title for the show could be WHO WANTS TO BE MICHAEL MILKEN?

Each week the two teams are given a competing corporatesque task and the person on the losing team who did the worst job is “fired”. But in fairness, that contestant does have the chance to defend him/herself… and by that I mean lie and throw their best friends under the bus. (If the show really wanted to be accurate, the contestant who passed the most blame and ruined the most reputations would win the executive position).

Once a break-out hit, THE APPRENTICE is now floundering in the ratings (translation: it’s a Bear Market). To try to put some zing back into the franchise this edition is set in Los Angeles, not New York. In Gotham, typical tasks were design ad campaigns, open art galleries in Soho, stage promotions in Times Square without getting arrested. I don’t know what LA tasks are planned but I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

They have to program a night on the C/W that gets more than a .01 share.

They have to open a K-Mart in Beverly Hills.

They have to get a CAA agent to return their call.

They have to spread the rumor that Rosie O’Donnell is a member of the al Queda.

They have to drive Faye Dunaway around for an entire hour.

They have to talk NewsCorp. and Viacom into merging.

They have to sell maps to Joanne Worley's house.

They have to give TWO AND A HALF MEN’S Chuck Lorre, script notes.

They have to find a replacement for Vin Scully.

They have to write a screenplay about a living nativity scene and sell it.

They have to run the Betty Ford Center.

They have to talk Sylvester Stallone out of making that new RAMBO sequel.

They have to fill sandbags and fortify Barbra Streisand’s Malibu beach house during the next rain storm.

They have to get TILL DEATH renewed.

They have to host the Academy Awards.

They have to get Madonna’s Malawian baby enrolled in the Center For Early Learning.

And finally, they have to get Jay Leno to stop doing Donald Trump hair jokes. Suddenly, all of the other tasks seem easy.

Any other suggestions? Now’s the time to post them, before the show is cancelled the last week of January.

Everybody SHOULD love Patty

Why the hate for Patty Heaton? Yikes. Big article about it recently in Sunday’s New York Times. People are outraged over her political and religious views. The fact that people are outraged over everything these days notwithstanding, the reaction still seems way out of whack.

She and I are polar opposites when it comes to politics, but after working with her on EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, I can say, unashamedly, that…

I love Patty Heaton!!

I have never worked with a nicer, kinder, and more talented actress. She’s so down to earth it’s hard to believe she even is an actress.

This one story gives you an idea of who she really is:

In one of the episodes of RAYMOND I directed there was a scene where Patty had a splinter and Ray, trying to prove how helpful he was, was chasing her around the living room with a set of tweezers. The script called for him to catch her at the couch. Watching it, I thought, there’s more room for fun here. So I suggested we expand the bit. What if Patty rolls off the couch onto the floor? Then she tries to crawl away. But Ray grabs her ankles. She squirts away. He grabs her again. He then pulls her back, across the floor. We spent an hour working out numerous variations of this and Patty, God bless her, hung in there the whole time. Trust me when I say there are not a lot of actresses who would a) be such good sports, and b) be willing to rehearse so long and so strenuously just to perfect a one minute comedy bit. But that’s Patty.

I’m sure she will weather this storm. And go on to do more great projects. Currently she’s in a play in New York and getting terrific notices.

I just wish the people who disagree so vehemently with her views could see past them to the lovely caring person she is. It’s time to ease up already. She’s been dragged around the floor enough.

My predictions for 2007

The LA TIMES asked me earlier this week to give my predictions for the year. Since I can’t predict they’ll even print them (other than on their website), I’m posting them here and adding a bunch for blog readers only. Let's see how many I get right.

I look for Britney Spears not to be asked back for a Mouseketeer Reunion, Apple to introduce the ipod cellphone/video player/pacemaker/geiger counter/pocket fisherman/wii player/GPS system/potato peeler, Rocky Balboa to fight Jennifer Hudson, J.D. Drew will miss half the season, Lindsay Lohan will misspell her own name, Mel Gibson's next movie will delve into the misunderstood world of cockfighting, the first season of THE NINE will come out on DVD, the major networks will develop seven BORAT clones this pilot season, Keith Richards will break his leg falling out of bed, several Grammy winners will not be able to accept their awards at the ceremony because they're in jail, there will only be three Iwo Jima movies this year, the Kings will win another game, there will be a summer movie that Will Ferrell isn’t in, I will wish the L-WORD were more graphic, DEAD GIRL will not be adapted as a musical, Tim McCarver will call Albert Pujols “Ellen Pompeo”, Katie Couric will bow to research and wear lifts, Boise State will not repeat, Fantasia will be performing at Six Flags Magic Mountain, no star that gives birth to a baby will give it a decent name, America will get tired of Masi Oka (or at least I will), there will not be a sequel to ALL THE KINGS MEN, Dick Cheney will invite Nancy Pelosi to a hunting trip, Randy Jackson will quit AMERICAN IDOL but they’ll just use footage of him from last year and no one will know the difference, and finally, Time Magazine's Man of the Year will be not you but the guy standing next to you.

LOST HOUSE 24 Part II

Continuing my first season of LOST HOUSE 24, a combination of all three series. Part one was yesterday if you missed it.

12 am – 1 am
In the hatch an old training film is found. It’s an introduction to the Dharma Initiative, hosted by Jenna Elfman. Back at camp, House and Charlie break open a few ceramic Virgin Marys and toke up together. Doc cuts down Kate from the hunter’s net. Reluctantly.

1 am – 2 am
On his trip back to camp Jack stumbles upon a Survivor tribal council (SURVIVOR 14: WE’VE DONE EVERY ISLAND BUT THIS ONE AND CATALINA). Jack senses disharmony in the tribe and asks if anyone is not pulling their fair share. Nobody talks. He makes them talk. House and Sawyer now make fat jokes at preggo Sun’s expense.

2 am - 3 am
Just everyone's luck it's time to turn the clocks ahead one hour. Nothing happens this hour.

3 am – 4 am
Jin is deathly ill but House can’t treat him because he doesn’t know any Korean diseases. Jack gets call from weepy Audrey. Can he help her? She’s trapped in the cast of THE NINE. He asks if she’d send a rescue party. She flies into a rage, claiming all he cares about is himself. Mr. Eko, who up until now, hasn’t said a word, tells Jack to dump the bitch.

4 am – 5 am
Jack discovers Sayid is a terrorist and tells him the biggest threat to Al Queda is Audrey and she should be killed immediately. Sayid puts that on his to-do list. For fun the camp holds a “House look-alike” contest and Fenry (formerly Henry) wins. Then they realize he’s one of the “Others”. The rest of the “Others” ambush the camp. Sun, in her seventh month, has to use the bathroom every five minutes.

5 am – 6 am
Jack, Doc, and Sawyer are taken hostage. When Kate learns they’re to be put in cages she volunteers. Flashback: Spiritual seeking Locke realizes that Scientology is too weird even for him.

6 am – 7 am
Doc is held in a glass cell where “Other” member, Juliet tries to win his confidence by telling him WE ARE MARSHALL was not that bad. Jack kills seven of his captors. Everyone enjoys a stunning sunrise.

7 am – 8 am
Sayid leads a search party but stops on the beach to participate in the Survivor reward challenge. The LOST gang wins. They’re all given fishing equipment and bandanas they can sell later on eBay. Meanwhile, Doc learns that the evil Fenry needs an operation and only he can perform it. Doc tells him House is a better surgeon so the “Others” set out to get him instead. Jack shoots Juliet in the knee because, well…because he can.

8 am – 9 am
Morning aerobics back at the camp. The excited search party returns with their winnings. House has snorted his seventh ceramic Virgin Mary. When the “Others” come to get him he thinks they are the Pirates of the Caribbean but goes along with them anyway.

9 am – 10 am
Jack tries to talk Kate into joining CTU with the promise that she would be tied up, thrown in cages, and handcuffed a lot. House arrives. Takes one look at Juliet’s shattered knee and determines it’s a brain aneurism. There are a string of broken Virgin Marys along the trail. The “Others” still want Doc to operate. He makes Fenry show him proof of insurance.

10 am – 11 am
Doc operates. But cuts an artery. He makes a deal with the “Others”. If they free the LOST gang he’ll let Fenry live. They agree. But no one tells Jack. He blows up the compound. Ooops. Doc was inside.

11 am – 12 pm
The LOST gang returns to the campsite. House delivers Sun’s baby. Mistakes it for a large tumor. Locke takes away the ceramic Virgin Marys. House counters by writing himself a prescription then realizes he’s 3,000 miles away from the nearest pharmacy. He borrows Jack’s phone, calls CVS begs them to deliver. Jack feels guilty for killing Doc. But everyone celebrates the cycle of life so hugs and warm feelings all around. Jack doesn’t let the blood on his hands keep him from being thrilled to be a father again. He vows that this time things will be different. Goes to the cradle only to discover that the baby has been kidnapped.

CLIFFHANGER

Continued next season

The "Stare"

That's the look. "The Stare". If you're a sitcom showrunner or producer with responsibility, this is you starting today. Until the wrap party you will have that "Village of the Damned" glassey eyed stare. (I imagine the same is true or worse in drama but my only personal experience comes from half hour comedy.) Any writer who has been on staff knows what I'm talking about. The holidays are over. The rest of the season awaits.

Backstory:

Here’s the timeline for a 22 episode full season. The staff assembles right after Memorial Day. The first few weeks are breezy, long lunches, catching up on who got what in the divorce, freewheeling discussions about the characters, foosball, possible stories and arcs, trashing THE OFFICE because you’re not on it, and usually at 4:00 it’s time to wrap it up for the day. There’s only so much OFFICE bashing you can do.

Pre-production continues mid June. Stories are broken and assigned. Staff members go off for a couple of weeks to write their drafts. Long lunches. Much bitching about not getting enough respect from the network. In your car by 5:00.

July – the drafts come in. They all need work. “What we were thinking with half these stories?” Only weeks away from production. Suddenly the realization hits: you’re already behind. No more off campus lunches. Work begins in earnest. Scripts are rewritten. Casting for guest stars and day players begin. The network wants some stunt casting. You inquire about Denzel Washington and wind up on your knees to Urkel. You have conference calls with your stars (who are in Hawaii) filling them in on the direction of the show and holding your breath that they don’t have “a little problem” with it. For the first time you utter that dreaded sentence: “Maybe we better order dinner.” Soon you’re working till 9:00. And the actors haven’t even come in yet.

August – The actors come in. Production begins. You feel like Columbus setting out to find the new world. Hopefully you have enough provisions, won’t encounter any perfect storms, and won’t veer so far off course that you wind up in Egypt.

The first few shows go pretty smoothly. You’ve spent a lot of time on those stories so they’re in pretty good shape. Rewrites wrap at 10:00. It could have been 9:30 but there was the foosball tournament. You hear that another show on the lot is already in trouble. Yes!! This helps you get through the month.

Early fall – things start bogging down. You hit your first rough script. Every season there will be at least one. It’s snake bitten from the first day. And here’s the thing – you can never predict which script it will be. Rewrites every night till 2. You look at the production schedule and for the first time that season think to yourself, “How will we ever make it?” You will forget that you asked that same question every year and every year you DID make it. But you set a goal. Just get to Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving arrives. You get a four day break. And you know you only come back for a few weeks until the holiday hiatus. Those December weeks are filled with parties, gift exchanges, calls from your travel agent, and three of the sloppiest rewrite nights of the year.

The Christmas hiatus. Usually two weeks. Sometimes less. And sometimes you have to write a script over the break (which you generally put off until after the Orange Bowl halftime show). Two weeks of relaxation, recharging the batteries, and hearing your relatives rave on and on about THE OFFICE.

And that brings you to today. It’s over. The hiatus, the Rose Bowl, even the cousins from Mizzou. The ship sails on. And it’s the last reel of MASTER & COMMANDER. You’re in now for that last long haul. Three months. No real holidays. In fact, no weekends off. You’re out of stories, have to slap them together in a day, gang bang scripts, one of your stars breaks his leg, the post production lab goes on strike, and that’s when you develop “the Stare”.

You’re past fatigue, you’re past fear, you’ve taken up smoking (because you’ve heard good things).

These next few months will seem overwhelming, impossible, back breaking. But the shows will get done. You will hit land. There will be hugs, speeches, and a gag reel.

And by next June you’ll be ready to start it all over again.

And here's the good news that you won't believe today but you will this March. Along with "The Stare" usually comes some of your best work. You won't know how, you won't even remember doing it, but you'll screen those last few shows and be so proud that facial expressions might actually return.

Full speed ahead!

Jan 2nd thoughts

Thanks to all of you for your New Years best wishes. Let’s hope 007 is a James Bond worthy year for all of us.

Didn’t it seem like James Brown’s funeral got more play than former President Gerald Ford’s? Interestingly, the same was true when President Ronald Reagan and Ray Charles died the same week.

I love how James Brown was in two different suits for his two memorial services. The man had class even after the end. Although I did half expect him to pop out of the coffin. The Famous Flames would settle him down, drape the robe over his shoulders, he’d sing out “Please, Please!,” the crowd would go wild. OWWW! That would have been great.

I saw James Brown perform at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles in 1967. There was me and maybe ten other white kids. But damn it was worth it. The man was UNBELIEVABLE.

For a great concert performance of James Brown, get the TAMI Show DVD. That was a closed circuit concert taped in 1965 that also featured, among others, Chuck Berry, and a very young Mick Jagger. And neither comes CLOSE to the Godfather of Soul. Very little of Gerald Ford’s concert material still exists.

For great recollections of James Brown, check out Lloyd Thaxton’s blog. Lloyd was a local TV dance show host who was one of the first to book Brown on his show. I remember those shows. All the clean cut white kids in their suits and dresses were terrified. I think at one point James yelled “POPCORN!” and three guys wet themselves.

Now that he’s gone, does that officially make Ryan Seacrest the “Hardest Working Man in Show Business”?

Who looked worse on those New Year’s Eve Ball Dropping shows Sunday night – Dick Clark or Carson Daly? Is Carson Daly anorexic? I haven’t seen his show in a long time. (My policy: if I’m not in a rewrite I don’t have to be up that late.) But I was shocked. I think Calista Flockhart would be shocked. Or is it just, that’s what happens to you when you go to NBC?

I have to honestly say, I applaud Dick Clark’s courage but it was too painful to watch him.

On NBC’s Sunday Night Football telecast, Brett Favre was asked by sideline reporter (I believe it was Andrea Kremer) if he was coming back next year. Favre literally broke down and cried. Her next question was “Can you tell us your emotions?” GUESS!!

It was another glorious sunny day for the Rose Parade this year. I imagine half the population of Denver has now decided to move out here. And when they dig out of this blizzard in May they’ll pack up and come.

As for the parade itself, I found it amusing that they followed their big theme production number celebrating the “Nature of Man” with a stealth bomber fly-over.

And just how classless was Bob Eubanks? Bad enough they fire Stephanie Edwards, but fifteen minutes into the broadcast, while discussing some old horses that will be replaced next year he says “yeah, and that’s what happens to old commentators.” Nice. That’s what happens to old game show hosts, too, Bob.

I hope the Ohio State marching band plays their official state rock song during halftime of the championship bowl game next week. The official Ohio rock song is "Hang on Sloopy". My compliments to the 116th Ohio General Assembly for its taste.

My New Year’s Resolution: Get mentioned in Defamer.com more.

NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS: I am adopting a writer friend’s policy. I will vote for ANY movie that sends me a screener DVD. Oh wait, they sent me WORLD TRADE CENTER. Never mind.

Happy New Year

May 2007 be for you what 2006 was for Jennifer Hudson, Stephen Colbert, Reese Witherspoon, the Texas Longhorns, Helen Mirren, Steve Nash, Taylor Hicks, Keith Olbermann, LeDainian Tomilnson, U2, Justin Timberlake, Masi Oka, Ryan Howard,Tony Shalhoub, Little Miss Sunshine, the Miami Heat, Google, Pirates of the Caribbean, Alfonzo Soriano, Jack Bauer, Borat, YouTube, MySpace, democrats, George Clooney, the Black Eyed Peas, Drew Lachey, Survivor Yul Kwon, Eddie Murphy, Meredith Viera, Jeremy Piven, Italy’s national soccer team, Lonelygirl 15, Battlestar Galactica, Beyonce, Philip Seymour Hoffman, High School Musical, Netflix, Kanye West, Project Runway, the Carolina Hurricanes, Hannah Montana, John Legend, Wallace & Gromit, Tiger Woods (again), Defamer.com, Scott Boras, History Boys, the Office, Dwyane Wade, Perez Hilton, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Heroes, James Bond, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,the St. Louis Cardinals, Kelly Clarkson, Roger Federer, Ang Lee, the iTunes store, Grey’s Anatomy, and this blog.

Happy New Year!!!

Ken