The Apprentice: LA

THE APPRENTICE is back! NBC has such tremendous faith in the show that they’ve scheduled it against DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. If you’re not familiar with the premise, it’s SURVIVOR except the guys wear Brooks Brothers and the women wear Jones of New York. 18 of the most insufferable preppy arrogant good-looking over-achievers vie for an executive position with Donald Trump’s organization. Another title for the show could be WHO WANTS TO BE MICHAEL MILKEN?

Each week the two teams are given a competing corporatesque task and the person on the losing team who did the worst job is “fired”. But in fairness, that contestant does have the chance to defend him/herself… and by that I mean lie and throw their best friends under the bus. (If the show really wanted to be accurate, the contestant who passed the most blame and ruined the most reputations would win the executive position).

Once a break-out hit, THE APPRENTICE is now floundering in the ratings (translation: it’s a Bear Market). To try to put some zing back into the franchise this edition is set in Los Angeles, not New York. In Gotham, typical tasks were design ad campaigns, open art galleries in Soho, stage promotions in Times Square without getting arrested. I don’t know what LA tasks are planned but I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

They have to program a night on the C/W that gets more than a .01 share.

They have to open a K-Mart in Beverly Hills.

They have to get a CAA agent to return their call.

They have to spread the rumor that Rosie O’Donnell is a member of the al Queda.

They have to drive Faye Dunaway around for an entire hour.

They have to talk NewsCorp. and Viacom into merging.

They have to sell maps to Joanne Worley's house.

They have to give TWO AND A HALF MEN’S Chuck Lorre, script notes.

They have to find a replacement for Vin Scully.

They have to write a screenplay about a living nativity scene and sell it.

They have to run the Betty Ford Center.

They have to talk Sylvester Stallone out of making that new RAMBO sequel.

They have to fill sandbags and fortify Barbra Streisand’s Malibu beach house during the next rain storm.

They have to get TILL DEATH renewed.

They have to host the Academy Awards.

They have to get Madonna’s Malawian baby enrolled in the Center For Early Learning.

And finally, they have to get Jay Leno to stop doing Donald Trump hair jokes. Suddenly, all of the other tasks seem easy.

Any other suggestions? Now’s the time to post them, before the show is cancelled the last week of January.