Macy's: too much a part of your life

Say goodbye to Marshall Fields, Chicago. No more Filene’s Basement, Boston. St. Louis, put Famous-Barr out of your memory. Sayonara as well to Hecht’s, Kaufman’s, Meir & Frank, and in California, Robinsons-May and May Co. In their infinite goliath wisdom, Federated Department Stores will re-name all of these grand old chains Macy’s. It’s like George Steinbrenner buying every team in the American League and calling them all the Yankees.

In many malls now where Federated bought up its competitors there will be as many as three Macy’s in the same location. Boy, the competition should be fierce. Expect big sales.

Same in Los Angeles radio where the two competing all-news stations, KFWB and KNX are not only owned by the same company but housed in the same building, and SHARE the same newsroom.

It’s bad enough there’s no such thing as anti-trust laws anymore. Forget the public being protected from monopolies. At least these giant corporations could PRETEND to not be evil empires.

What is the benefit of changing venerable beloved Marshall Fields to Macy’s…especially in Chicago where they hate all things New York anyway? When you buy these department store chains isn’t a large part of what you’re paying for the name? With the name comes a trust and tradition that translates to customer loyalty, doesn’t it?

In all the articles I’ve read about this name changeover I’ve not seen one justification for it, not by a Federated official or anybody. Even if they said, "Someone screwed up and ordered fifty-six million order forms that say Macy's so we have to use them up." At least that would be something. All they will say is “Give us a chance” and promise a catchy new jingle to the tune of “Dancin’ in the Streets” (as opposed to protests in the street which is what’s happening right now in Chicago). I would love to know their rationale. And they must have one, right? I mean, a monolithic corporation with all the research data and upper level management genius available to them couldn’t possibly just go off and do something incredibly stupid and irreparable could they? Naahhhhhhh. Of course not.

Thirsty anybody???

The best of Rat Girl

I’m frequently asked what are my favorite scenes from CHEERS episodes my partner and I wrote? Here’s one. It’s the last scene of “Rat Girl”. Lilith had kept her dead lab rat in her purse. This, surprisingly, has caused an argument between her and Frasier. Below is their reconciliation. Sometimes you don’t have to joke up a scene. It’s okay to let characters have a real moment. Of course it helps if you do button it with a joke, especially if you’re lucky enough to have Kelsey Grammer deliver it.

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INT. BAR – DAY

LILITH ENTERS AND CROSSES TO FRASIER.

LILITH
Frasier, I owe you an apology. I haven’t been myself the past couple of days.

FRASIER
No, my dear, I trivialized your grief. A husband should be more understanding. Just help me, help me, meet me halfway. Why were you carrying a moribund rodent in your evening bag?

LILITH
I wasn’t planning to take him on our date. But I knew that if I left him at the clinic they’d have given him to the undergraduates to dissect. I couldn’t let that happen to Whitey. I just wanted to give him a decent burial.

FRASIER
I’m sorry. How could I have been so insensitive?

LILITH
Of course I overreacted, but I think I know why: I was confronted for the first time with the death of someone close to me.

FRASIER
I understand, dear. It’s what we call a crisis.

LILITH
I know what we call it, Frasier. (THEN) The upshot is, I’ve never been so acutely aware of how precious and fragile life is for each of us.

LILITH
Lilith, I think everyone would agree that existence is tenuous at best. Therefore, all we can do is embrace life. And you and I, we’re very fortunate. We have a baby. The very symbol of life reborn.

LILITH
Frasier, he’s no longer a baby. He’ll be going to school this September.

FRASIER
Yes, if we can successfully negotiate a pre-school interview without being cuffed and printed. (THEN) But you’re right, Frederick is getting older. You know, Lilith, there is a way we could renew ourselves yet again.

LILITH
How would we do that?

FRASIER
We could have another child.

LILITH
We could, couldn’t we? That’s a wonderful idea! Oh, Frasier, suddenly I’m filled with a glow. Let’s start right now.

LILITH HEADS FOR THE DOOR, FRASIER FOLLOWING. LILITH EXITS. FRASIER TURNS BACK FOR A MOMENT TO REFLECT.

FRASIER
It’s all so strange. A relatively insignificant creatures lives and dies. A marriage is jeopardized. A child’s education is almost destroyed. And yet, somehow, some way… I’m getting some action out of it!

AS FRASIER EXITS WE CUT TO BLACK.

As a public service to actors...

Now that the new TV season is well underway and all the shows are back in production, here are a few tips for you actors out there hoping to land a guest starring or day player role.

Based on things I myself have seen, here are things NOT to do during a casting session:

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If the part is for a slob, don’t smear jello all over your shirt.

But do wear a shirt.

Don’t take “the liberty” of punching up the dialogue. Chances are the person deciding your fate wrote that "lame-o" script.

Similarly, don't help a joke by doing a rimshot after it.

If the scene calls for a kiss don’t slip your tongue down the casting director’s throat. That's an angry call back to the agent or a lawsuit.

Don’t come in saying you’d rather read for another part and then just launch into that part.

Don’t get mad if no one recognizes you from your recurring role on DEEP SPACE 9.

Don’t say, “Um, before we start, I read for you about a month ago. It was the cocktail waitress. How come I didn’t get it? I was really good. You guys even said so. And I am a cocktail waitress, so like, how could anybody do it better than someone who actually does do it? So what did I do wrong? Because when I came home I thought I had it. I was even going to go away the week it was shooting but cancelled so I'd be available for this. I was supposed to go to Santa Barbara. We had the reservations and everything. And my boyfriend was already mad at me because he like, doesn't really get this whole acting thing anyway. And I was all set to prove him wrong but then my agent called and said you went with someone else. And when I asked her why she said you guys wouldn't say. So really? Y'know, so it can help me in the future. Why didn't I get that part?"

Don’t falsify your resume. With imdb it’s now easy to check. And no one has been in both GLADIATOR and BOOTY CALL. (However, if you’re a New York actor list LAW & ORDER. Every New York actor has been on that show. If you haven’t yet, you will.)

Don’t bring your baby.

Don’t bring your pet.

Don’t have your agent call us first to say you’ve been clean for fifty-one days now.

Don’t say “can I start over?” more than three times.

Don’t memorize the sides. It’s perfectly okay, even preferable to read. 99% of the time, if you try to memorize the script you will screw up.

Don’t schmooze. There are too many people to see. When an actor enters the room and says, “Guess what? I just got back from Africa” the producer knows he’s about to lose ten minutes of his life he’ll never see again.

Don’t keep coming back pleading to do it again.

Unless the part calls for it, don't burst into tears at any time.

Don't bring food in the room and leave it.

It’s okay to ask about the character, not okay to say, “Well, jeez, isn’t that kind of a cliché?”

It’s okay to say, “Can I have a moment?” first. Take a deep breath, compose yourself. But it’s not okay to take five moments.

Remember this: the acting technique that got you a job on FAMILY MATTERS will prevent you from getting jobs anywhere else.

Don’t tell us how far you drove to get here. how long it took you, and how many times you got lost. No actor ever got a part because he drove the furthest.

Don’t chew gum. It’s hard to stay “in the moment” when you’re blowing bubbles.

Don’t ask for time off during production before you even read for the part. You’d be surprised how many actors make this mistake and wind up with all the time off in the world.

Don't use any funny voices. If a producer can close his eyes and think that Bronson Pichot is in the room you don't get the part.

And finally, don't make an entrance soaking wet, strip down to your now transparent underwear for no reason, and scare the shit out of two tourists (see post for Thursday, May 11, 2006).

The 379 words you can't say on television

I recently saw the documentary, THIS MOVIE IS NOT RATED which is really a terrific film. Basically, the fate of every movie is in the hands of eight George Bush campaign stamp lickers.

But it brought to mind my many battles with network “Standards & Practices”. On MASH it was routine that we’d get a memo from S&P saying “cut the casual profanity in half”. Whether we had four “hells” or “damns” or eight, we’d get the same directive. So of course we’d start padding our scripts with double the casual profanity in order to keep the ones we needed.

One time we had Radar showing a visiting General to the VIP tent. Radar’s line in the script was: “Right this way, your VIPness.” They caught it.

Damn damn them to hell hell!!

When we did that ill-fated train wreck show for Mary Tyler Moore we wanted her say “ying yang” in a speech. S&P flagged it. We couldn’t say “ying yang”. “Why not?” I asked, “It’s the Asian symbol for opposites.” According to our assigned 65 year old S&P spinster, “ying yang” was a slang expression for penis. I told her I was unaware of that and we weren’t using it in that context. Plus, Mary Tyler Moore was saying it. She didn’t know what a penis was.

Ms. S&P insisted it was on the list. “What list?” I asked. Well, it seemed that CBS had a whole list of unacceptable words for penis. And since I didn’t know that, I asked her to read me the list.

So picture the Church Lady having to recite “dick, cock, pud, schmuck, petzel, pecker, schlong, sword, Johnson, wang, German helmet, wanker, hose, Mr. Happy, dork,” and about fifty others. When she finished it occurred to me that there must be a list for vagina as well. And breasts. And intercourse. And oral sex. For the next half hour over the speaker phone she regaled me and my hysterical writing staff with every sexual euphemism there was.

It was only after I had gotten home that night that I realized that “VIPness” wasn’t on her list.

But getting Mary to say it proved to be an even bigger problem.

Katie Couric's new gig

There’s a film clip we use in THE 60’s PROJECT of Walter Cronkite announcing on CBS the death of President John Kennedy. And as I watched it recently, I wondered, how much more chilling and momentous would that moment have been if Katie Couric were delivering the announcement?

I have nothing against Katie Couric, quite enjoyed her on the TODAY SHOW, but I don’t think she has the street cred or the weight (although with an air brush they tried to correct that recently in the attached publicity photo) to hold down the position that Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow held with such esteem and public trust for so many years.

And what I find fascinating is all the hype. For the truth of the matter is this: Network newscasts are now irrelevant. There are so many other ways we can get our news now, from the internet, to 24 hour cable channels, even FOX News occasionally reports something that actually happened (last occurrence: 2004).

Will Katie Couric really save CBS News? No one can. If the goal was just upping the ratings for the Evening News keep Bob Schieffer. His numbers have gone up and he costs less than Katie’s hairdresser.

The real impact will be on the TODAY SHOW. That will take a big hit. Which is good news for the CBS Morning Show. It’s as if someone is watching out for Julie Chen.
But back to Katie and the surrounding hype.

In an effort to lure back viewers, she has been going around the country, holding town hall meetings, and learning what Joe Six Pack and Sally Dust Mop really want from their 6:30 national newscasts. Lo and behold, a shocking discovery has been unearthed.

People want to see positive things.

Ohmygod, who knew??? I hope that doesn’t mean if Katie were announcing Kennedy’s death she’d have to lead with: “Good news for the Johnson family today!”

And then Katie lets it slip that she wouldn’t go to dangerous hot spots because she’s a single mother with small children. I’m sorry, but the number one news anchor of CBS should not confine here worldwide reporting to only places Robin Leach would visit.

Sidebar: For the importance CBS places on its Evening News host, just look at the touching tribute they did for Dan Rather. Placed in the Friday-night-leading-into-a-holiday-weekend-death slot, in Los Angeles it was bumped to its sister station and in New York not even aired at all.

Charles Gibson was recently on with Charlie (“I’m smarter than all my guests”) Rose and was asked why network news shows were not attracting young viewers? His answer: the commercials. WTF??? They were catering to “81 year old men”, Mr. Gibson said. He would like to see some beer commercials on World News Tonight. Yeah, like THAT would solve the problem. If they want beer companies to advertise than just get Jimmy Kimmell to do the news. Or better yet, Canada's NAKED NUDES team. We've gone so far past the movie NETWORK that this last suggestion is only absurd because Americans might have trouble with the Canadian accents.

And who knows? Maybe one day we'll look back and Katie Couric WILL seem like Walter Cronkite.

This is Ken Levine
CBS News, my room.

Life in the Lois Lane

Thanks to my friend, Howard, I am now able to post pictures as well. I warn you, this is like giving a monkey a gun.

THIS IS A TEST TO SEE IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A BIG STUDIO EXECUTIVE

You have a movie called HOLLYWOODLAND about the life of TV Superman, George Reeves (picture on the left). You see the picture on the right of Ben Affleck and say, "Yes, of all the actors out there this is the one guy who can play him." You're asked, "why?" This is where it gets tough. Do you say...?

"He looks just like the guy in the other picture."

or...

"He's our greatest living actor who can play anyone."

or...

"We're not hiring Ben Affleck, you idiot, we're hiring Diane Lane."

"My greatest wish for you..."

As summer comes to an end (sob) here’s what I’m looking forward to:

NIP/TUCK -- Grey’s Anatomy meets Miami Vice meets Twin Peaks. Last season was disappointing. The Carver cut up everybody but the one person we wanted to see him slice – Joan Rivers. Hopefully this season they will get back on track.

NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL – Restaurant managers will tell you their business goes down during Sunday night NFL games. Easier for me to get reservations. Go Patriots!

The JERRY LEWIS TELATHON – You have to love a man who is so sanctimonious and self deluded that he used to end his short-lived talk show by saying “My greatest wish for you is that you could have show business people as your friends.”

Stone crab season.

HOUSE – Always fun to see how many symptoms I happen to have as well.

The pennant races – With the wild card only the Colorado Rockies and Pittsburgh Pirates are not still in it. Vin Scully, at his finest, describing the Dodgers’ fortunes. ESPN coverage with the incomparable Jon Miller and the inarticulate Joe Morgan.

The big premiere of the first C/W fall schedule. And all those indie stations that got left out in the cold now get to show old MAGNUM PI reruns and kick ass!

Kids are back to school.

HOLLYWOODLAND – Ben Affleck playing TV Superman, George Reeves. There hasn’t been a studio comedy I’ve looked forward to more in years!!

My Tuesday rant on the “new” CBS Evening News.

Women will put their white pants back in the drawer.

The victory parade for TEAM USA, for winning the World Basketball Championship and proving to the world that hotshot NBA players are the greatest on the planet and deserve all those untold millions. Oh wait…they lost to a team of nobodies from Greece. Never mind.

WALLACE & GROMIT: THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT – Premiering on HBO. I hear it’s great. I was too cheap to see it in a theatre.

The Hollywood Bowl Fireworks finale. Featuring guest artists Miss Piggy, Kermit the Frog, and Kristin Chenoweth.

“Make a Hat Day”, “Collect Rocks Day”, “National Cheese Pizza Day”, “National Play-Doh Day”, “National Peanut Day”, and Rosh Hashanah

The Atlanta Braves will not be in the playoffs for the first time in fifteen years. No more tommyhawk chop.

HELLO, LIED THE AGENT – a new book about trying to sell a network TV pilot by veteran comedy scribe, Ian Gurvitz that EVERY writer must read! Scathingly hilarious and unfortunately all TRUE. Pre-order on Amazon now!