Room Service I

Even though I’m away on vacation I never stand down from my comedy watch. This is a scene from a FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote called “Room Service”. We wrote quite a few episodes of FRASIER but this was my favorite. It’s the beginning of Act II. Actually, the scene is all of Act II. I’ll be posting it throughout the week.

Lilith has just slept with Niles.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

MORE LATER TODAY…