The 2006 Emmy Awards

It’s hard to take the Emmys seriously when the best drama (LOST), best dramatic actor (Hugh Laurie), and best dramatic actress (Edie Falco) weren’t even nominated. It’s like the ’84 Olympics when the Eastern Bloc countries and allies pulled out and the US was the big winner over Mauritania, Qatar, and Seychelles.

This year the ceremony was held at the cavernous Shrine Auditorium. Capacity: everyone who ever watched HUFF.

Conan O’Brien is a lot funnier at 1:00 in the morning. In other words, the end of the Emmys not the start.

A MUSIC MAN parody? Even the Hasty Pudding Show at Harvard would not have let Conan do that.

There is no room where Bob Newhart is not the funniest man in it. He doesn’t even have to speak. I am in continual awe.

How could Ellen Burstyn lose? Sure, her total screen time was 14 seconds but 12 of them were BRILLIANT.

Jennifer Love Hewitt saved some money and wrapped herself in tin foil.

Great questions on E!’s red carpet show. Isiah Washington was asked his porn name. Ryan Seacrest asked Steven Colbert if Jon Stewart was a prick? Class-eeee. He then asked Hugh Laurie: “Do you find that you’re less clever with the American accent?” Bring back Sam Rubin and Mindy Barbano! At least they gave out Altoids.

First Emmy article in the LA TIMES Sunday CALENDAR section: Page six. Page one story: “Gidget gone global”.

What does it say about the Television Academy’s stature when the seat fillers now ARE the nominees?

Sandra Oh was wearing Conan the Barbarian’s jewelry.

What was Warren Beatty doing there? Did he think he was getting a lifetime award for his work on DOBIE GILLIS?

Evangeline Lily looks spectacular even when she’s not soaking wet and trapped in a net.

So much for Steve Carell being the mortal lock of the Emmys. Kevin James must’ve been the Ralph Nader who split the votes.

Note to Candice Bergman: “the Little Mermaid” is not a good look for you.

I only voted for Blythe Danner because the last time she won she bashed Bush. This time she thanked the cast of HUFF. She might as well have thanked the waitresses at Bob’s Big Boy. No one knew who the hell she was talking about.

The fact that Jack Bauer has saved the world fifteen times over the least we could do is give him a goddamn Emmy.

Lovely tribute to Dick Clark. Only topped by his touching courageous speech.

Had to replay several times Barry Manilow’s final comment to Mr. Clark. He said, “all right, Dick” not “I love Dick” as I first suspected (and hoped).

Jeremy Piven came dressed for nomination only.

The Aaron Spelling tribute reminded me of my one encounter with him. My partner, David and I helped punch up a pilot. He called that night, praised us to the heavens, said he wanted to make a big development deal with us and send a limo to get us every day. The next morning when we saw him we said hello and he said, “Do I know you?”

It would have been nice if one of Aaron’s family members accepted for him instead of CHARLIE’S FACE LIFTS.

Kate Jackson’s skin is now so tight you could bounce a quarter off her face.

How LA is this? A winner at last week’s non-televised-so-who-cares ceremony brought his Emmy to the gym yesterday. The other Emmy winners who now can’t get jobs weren’t impressed.

Cheryl Hines looked like she backed into a chandelier and took some of it with her.

Cloris Leachman won again. I guess SPLANGLISH wasn’t a career-ender for everyone.

Why do they still give an award for best main title design when no shows are allowed to have main titles anymore?

Allison Janney came as the world’s tallest flapper.

How could Gregory Itzen possibly lose??? Jesus Christ. I wonder how many confused Academy members voted for Alan Alda because they thought he was really running for President?

This isn’t the first time Alan Alda beat out a more deserving nominee. But I’ve gotten over it.

Barry Manilow won over Hugh Jackman? I guess word got out that Hugh Jackman was straight.

Best line of the night: Steve Colbert, “I lost to Barry Manilow?!”

Accepting the award for Jon Cessar – Joe Montagne. No wait, that WAS Jon Cessar.

Kathryn Hiegel would be gorgeous even without the Macy’s Day Parade balloons.

There was a tie for best Children’s Program: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and I HAVE TOURETTE’S. How do you choose? It’s the same show.

The best actor in THE COMEBACK was not Lisa Kudrow. It was James Burrows.

I’m sure ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT will get nominated again next year even though it’s been cancelled. Critics will just assume it would have been one of their better seasons.

So James Gandolfini didn’t turn in a nomination worthy performance on THE SOPRANOS but Chris Meloni of LAW & ORDER: SVU did? Who will ever forget Chris’ big moment when he said, “we’ve got to get that sicko off the streets!”?

Why was Charlie Sheen up for Best Actor and Jon Cryer up for Best Supporting Actor? In TWO AND A HALF MEN, is Jon the half?

Jeremy Irons (ELIZABETH 1) won for playing a fop. What a stretch for him.

Helen Mirren thanked writers. She’s my favorite actress in all the world.

Was that Calista Flockhart or House’s cane?

There’s a category called “Makeup for a series (non-prosthetic)” which in fact means, “Makeup for every show other than DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES”.

Glad “Best music for a series” didn’t go to PRISON BREAK since for a big mood scene they used the HOUSE theme. Maybe SOMEONE at Fox could have flagged that? How do they expect us to watch that network when they don’t even watch it themselves?

Ben Stiller lost to Leslie Jordan. That should keep him from appearing in another television show until 2017.

I’m happy THE OFFICE won. It’s not as good as the British version but sure better than anything America has to offer.

And if LOST and the SOPRANOS and HOUSE didn’t win for Best Drama, I’m glad 24 did. I can’t wait till next year when Jack Bauer has to plug up the Ozone Layer.

And finally, there was a show called HOW WILLIAM SHATNER CHANGED THE WORLD on the History Channel that was nominated for best writing of all things. That’s it. It’s now officially time to retire the Emmys.