More riffs, more raffs....

The Motion Picture Academy announced that Ellen DeGeneres will host this year’s Oscarcast. Katie Couric was unavailable. Ellen is a major movie star. Pictured is her most famous screen role.

I like Ellen DeGeneres but feel that if they gave Jon Stewart a few years to grow into the role he could have been the Oscar host for the next ten years. That said, anyone but Whoopi.

Al Michaels is a sensational football announcer but if it’s a game on NBC I still miss Dick Enberg.

“Carolyn, you’re fired!” This from Donald Trump. The reason – she let television go to her head. HER head, Donald??? HER head??? For Chrissakes, YOU sang on the Emmys last year!!!

I wonder who will replace her on THE APPRENTICE. Katie Couric was unavailable.

Katie’s audience was down 45% in three days. Again, competition from the Chabad Telethon.

Keith Olbermann is my hero. His 9/11 commentary deserves not just a Pulitzer but a Nobel prize.

American League Manager of the Year – Jim Leyland.
National League Manager of the Year – Joe Girardi. Too bad he’s going to get fired.

Was that Kathleen Turner on NIP/TUCK or Judi Densch?

Bob Dylan’s new album is great. But Bob, Jews do not look good in cowboy hats.

Despite the fear of some white supremacy groups, I don’t think the reward challenges on this edition of SURVIVOR will really determine which race is superior. But I sure wish Don Rickles was the host this go-round.

With Francisco Liriano off the Disabled List, look for the Twins to overtake the Tigers…and wreak havoc in a short playoff series.

For those who see Diane Lane in HOLLYWOODLAND and gasp because she’s gotten so old looking, fear not. I saw her in person a couple of months ago and am happy to report she still looks scrumptious…even with food in her mouth.

Is there a Bette Ford Center for those addicted to Free Cell. I need help!

Jerry Springer on DANCING WITH THE STARS? That’s one of their big "celebrities"? Who do I throw a chair at in protest?

Will the Oakland Raiders ever score a point this season?

Woody Allen drinking game: Watch SCOOP and chug every time you see something derivative from one of his previous movies. From Scarlett Johansson playing Louise Lasser to Woody playing Broadway Danny Rose, to the same plot as MANHATTAN MURDER MYSTERY, to a character being a magician, to the Jew jokes, and fear of driving jokes, and well…you’ll be snorkered by the third reel.

Don’t call Sean Combs “Diddy” in England anymore. In an out-of-court settlement he agreed to drop the stupid moniker which conflicted with a noted London based music producer (whose first name was Doo Wah). Mr. Combs is also forbidden from calling himself Ant, Lulu, Elvis, Prince, Annette, Moby, the letters B.-K., Spanky, Cher, Mr. Moto, House, Mr. Clean, T-bag, Metamusal, Bono, Rabbi Svee Rosenbaum, Fantasia, Bubba the Love Sponge, Fonzie, Grover, Jewel, the Duke of Earl, Monk, Burger King, Tootsie, Raffi, Trix, Jack FM, Beck, Ice Blended, White Fang, Black Tooth, Ol' Blue Eyes, Big Papi, Madonna, Goldfinger, the Round Mound of Rebound, Beyonce, Hud, Twiggy, R2D2, Dr. Pepper, Viagra, Windex, Sting, Cleopatra, El Duque, Scooby Do, Rambo, Meatloaf, Slash, and the Little Mermaid. Fortunately, Putz. A. Hole, and Whoopi are still acceptable.

Knock me over with a feather. A new SCIENTIFIC study has determined that actors are narcissists. Who knew??? You mean they dress up in costumes to bring attention to themselves? Next thing we’ll learn is that Donald Trump is a narcissist. The only thing surprising about this finding is that it wasn’t a government study that cost taxpayers $236 million.

Tomorrow: my review of HOLLYWOODLAND.