Summer Movie Previews

Time for the annual Summer Movies Preview so grab your popcorn and leave your worries and brain at home.

IRONMAN – Already a monster hit. Audiences have really taken to this superhero who can stop crime and press clothes. Robert Downey Jr. goes from behind iron bars to Hollywood stardom.

SPEED RACER – Those nutty Wachowski brothers (or brother and sister, I can’t keep track) took a cheesy amine kids’ cartoon series and added adult confusion. Didn’t get to the first turn before crashing horribly, not just hitting the wall but explosions, wheels flying, everything. It's the summer disaster to beat.

SURFWISE – documentary about a doctor who left his practice to go to Israel in the 60s to be a surfer. Two shana maidels for every guy.

VICE – Michael Madsen/drug bust/cop /date movie.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS – Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz as strangers who awaken to learn they’re married. Hey, Ashton, you’ve been punked!

BLOODLINE – Filmmakers discovers papers from a 19th Century French priest claiming to have evidence that Jesus did not die on the cross. The CSI Jerusalem gang is summoned to investigate.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN – Adaptation of the epic fantasy novel that didn’t include Harry Potter or Hobbits.

NOISE – Tim Robbins as a Manhattan lawyer who goes wiggy because of all the noise in New York. If he takes a baseball bat and bashes in a car whose alarm has been blaring for five minutes, NOISE will be my favorite movie of the year.

THE HAPPENING – Not to be confused with the 1967 classic where hippies kidnap Anthony Quinn while the Supremes sing. This is M. Night Shyamalan’s movie about paranoia. I wonder if it’s about a brilliant but misunderstood filmmaker/self proclaimed genius who believes the world is conspiring against him because he hasn’t made a decent movie in about ten years.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL – Indy better find that fountain of youth and quick!

GET SMART – Adaptation of the 60s Don Adams/Barbara Feldon sitcom. Now with Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway. I’m sure it’s hilarious. Would you believe funny? Would you believe if you’ve had four tequila shooters it has its amusing moments? I know one of the writers so I’m hoping it’s the first.

POSTAL – U.S. religious zealots take on Osama bin Laden and the Taliban. Which side do you root for?

MEET DAVE – Eddy Murphy aliens-land-on-earth comedy. I read the script by Rob Greenberg & Bill Corbett several years ago and it was hilarious. Let’s hope Eddy didn’t “improve” it.

WAR, INC. – John Cusack portrays a trade show salesman who’s really a hitman. Wants to kill a Middle Eastern oil minister and looky-loo who never buys his line.

SEX AND THE CITY: THE MOVIE – They’re back and they’re old.

KUNG FU PANDA – No synopsis was provided so I have no idea what this cartoon is about.

MISS CONCEPTION – All the scenes and plot twists that were cut in BABY MAMA and JUNO.

THE PROMOTION – Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly are two schleppers vying for a promotion at a Walmart type store. Comedy in aisle five! More fun: wait till it’s on cable, gather your friends, and play the drinking game every time there’s a pratfall.

More tomorrow.