Happy birthday, Annie

Today’s my daughter’s birthday. Not only is she smart, beautiful, funny, and talented. She’s also sick. Here’s a recent sketch she wrote. Happy birthday, Annie. Your dad loves you.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: THE MUSICAL


INT. THEATER - NIGHT.

A man in soldier's uniform stands on a stage in front of the
curtain. Note: everything should be as over-the-top as
possible.

RYAN
France during the war is really
depraved.

My name is Ryan and I’m here to be
saved!

The curtain rises, lights go up.

It’s the set of “Saving Private Ryan the Musical.” Really
flamboyant soldiers are singing in front of a set of
Normandy, France.

SOLDIERS
(Singing to the tune of
“Fun, Fun, Fun”)
Well, this evil man named Hitler
Just wanted a pure Aryan nation
And he tried to take over the world
With his administration
So we flew out to France ‘cuz
They’re under German Occupation
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away

CUT TO:
LATER

Private Ryan stands with a French girl. There is fighting
going on in the background.

RYAN
Oh Chloe. I knew from the moment I
saw you that you were the only one
for me. Fate must have brought us
together. I feel like we’ve made
the deepest connection two people
can make. I don’t want to go one
without you.

CHLOE
(Not understanding
anything)
Ummm...Oui?

They embrace.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
Kokomo)
Omaha
With more dead bodies
Than you ever saw
Things all are tres francois
Down here on Omaha

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIER 1
So let’s get this straight. Even
though we just made it through an
incredibly horrific battle, you
still want us to go look for one
person and inevitably die trying?

MILLER
Umm, yeah pretty much.

SOLDIER 1
Alright, I’m in.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
“Surfin’ Safari”)
C’mon Ryan where could you be?
(searching safari)
All of your brothers are dead. All
three! (searching safari)
Let’s go searching now
Look at all the Germans! Wow!
Search for Private Ryan with me.

CUT TO:
LATER

Ryan and Chloe are about to kiss when:

SOLDIER 1
Here he is guys, I found him!

Other soldiers run is and start grabbing Ryan.

SOLDIERS
(ad lib)
Yay!! We found him! Hurray!

RYAN
What are you guys doing?

SOLDIER 2
We’re saving you!

RYAN
No no. I’m OK.

SOLDIER 2
We have orders to save you.

RYAN
I don’t want to be saved!

CHLOE
Qui sont ces hommes?

RYAN
Uh--une minute--mon amour
(To the soldiers)
Really guys I think I’m fine.
Thanks though.

SOLDIER 1
Well, this sucks.

Suddenly, there is a lot of gun fire. Soldiers start dying
elaborately choreographed deaths. PRIVATE RYAN runs back out.

RYAN
Ok! Ok! I changed my mind. You can
save me.

SOLDIERS
(singing the finale)
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away. Away.

Big freeze. End of the show. Blackout.