Yesterday’s post sparked a number of VOLUNTEERS questions. So here’s some more backstory.
John Candy had done SPLASH with Tom Hanks and the studio thought it would be great to pair them again. As conceived, Tom Tuttle from Tacoma was a short weasely guy. But we gave the script to Candy telling him we’d be happy to rewrite to accommodate him. He took the role and said don’t change a thing. John did every word exactly as scripted. One of my greatest moments as a writer was watching ESPN Sportscenter a few years ago when Washington State was in the Rose Bowl. They showed a shot of the crowd and the commentator said “I think I saw Tom Tuttle from Tacoma”.
My other highlight was getting the great Chick Hearn to do the basketball announcing. He did it all off the top of his head, perfect, one take.
The entire film was shot in Mexico, including the scenes at Yale.
It opened in Los Angeles at the Pickwood Theatre on Pico Blvd. It was a classic old theatre. Following our run the entire block was torn down to make way for the Westside Pavilion shopping mall. Not many movies can literally close a theatre. Ours is the first to close a theatre AND a bowling alley.
From our very first draft we had a scene where Lawrence Bourne III (Tom Hanks) takes the first step in disarming idealistic Peace Corps volunteer, Beth (Rita Wilson). She’s discouraged and homesick and he gives her a Coke -- a modest gesture at best but under the circumstances huge. There was no product placement intent. We were just looking for a device to help thaw their relationship. Three studios later VOLUNTEERS wound up at Sony/Tri-Star, which then owned Coca Cola. You can’t believe the shit we got for that scene. Yeah, we’re whores but we’re not taking the rap for that one.
My favorite line: “It’s not that I can’t help these people. It’s just that I don’t want to.”
Julie O. asked about the Burmese Prince. There’s a scene where Peace Corps supervisor/boy scout/CIA agent John (Tim Thomerson) gives Beth a small gift to show his affection. We wanted the gift to be a little off-center to signal to her that this guy may be a little weird. We discovered that there were these small Burmese statues that had huge penises. The perfect gift from any psychopath.
My partner, David and I were on hand for some of the editing, watching on a small movieola. There’s a point in that scene where the director had inserted a close up of the statue. We said we didn’t think that was such a good idea. He argued that the audience wouldn’t get the joke if they only saw the statue in a master. Later that week we had a test screening. When this GIANT close up of a penis filled the entire screen the women in the audience gasped and shrieked. David and I had to leave the theatre we were laughing so hard. Needless to say, the close up came out.
Other finalists for the part of Beth: Phoebe Cates and Kirstie Alley.
The evil war lord was Chung Mee which was the name of a Chinese restaurant on Ord Street in downtown LA that I used to frequent until health inspectors closed it down.
VOLUNTEERS was our first feature assignment. We did it for WGA minimum for a small company and a producer just getting started in the business, Walter Parkes. Today Walter is the President of Amblin Entertainment for Steven Spielberg and has produced a ton of great movies including GLADIATOR and MEN IN BLACK. He came to us with the basic idea – preppy joins Peace Corps to skip a big gambling debt. Walter’s college chum Keith Critchlow had that original notion and thus received story credit, which is only fair.
The initial tone was more of a dramedy along the lines of MASH. After two drafts it just wasn’t happening. We all decided to just pull out the stops and make it a rollicking comedy. But the company had no money for an additional rewrite. David and I agreed to do one more major draft for free so the project wouldn’t die. It was from that draft that the project really took off.
At an invited screening a friend of Walter Parkes came up to him in the lobby, took his hands, and said reassuringly, “Oh Walter, we love you anyway.”
We got a spectacular review in the New York Times, great reviews in TIME and NEWSWEEK, so-so in the LA Times and the LA Herald Examiner called us “Call Me Buana racists”. And I had to pay a quarter to read that review.
One day this weekend I'll post two contrasting reviews.
For whatever reason VOLUNTEERS always gets good ratings. It invariably airs during sweeps.
I’ve seen the DVD sell for $1 at Osco.
I can’t watch the movie without missing John Candy and marveling over just what a comedy genius he was.
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Monday, February 6, 2006
How to get Tom Hanks to star in your movie
This is a true “Hollywood” story of how my writing partner and I got Tom Hanks to star in our 1985 movie, VOLUNTEERS (airing Tuesday at 3:45 pm and Wednesday at 7:45 am on AMC – okay, I’m shameless).
We wrote the first draft five years earlier (so far this is a “typical” Hollywood story). The movie centers around a preppy Yalie who ducks a gambling debt and winds up in the Peace Corps. Hilarity ensues (at least on the page). Sergeant Shriver, then the head of the Peace Corp, read it and said it was like spiting on the flag. I knew we were onto something.
The producer asked whom we thought might be good to star and we suggested this guy who at the time was in BOSOM BUDDIES on ABC – Tom Hanks. The producer scoffed. Tom Hanks couldn’t get a movie made.
We were at the same agency as Tom so for grins and giggles we sent him the script anyway. He loved it but reluctantly agreed the producer was right.
Flash forward a few years. VOLUNTEERS has gone through two studios, two directors, and nine drafts. HBO/Tristar greenlights it. Time to look for stars.
Tom had just done SPLASH. It was a huge hit. He was the Will Ferrell-of-the-month. Offered every project in town. He couldn’t find anything he liked (even BACHELOR PARTY II). So he said to his agent he had read a project about the Peace Corps several years back. What about that one? The agent said he would try to track it down but without even knowing the title it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.
ONE HOUR LATER the agent gets a call from our producer. Would Tom be interested in a Peace Corps movie? The agent almost fell on the floor. He said to messenger it right away. We did. Tom skimmed it, recognized a Margaret Dumont joke we had in there, said “Yep, this is the one” and a half hour later the deal was closed.
Pretty cool, huh?
The person really responsible for making this deal happen was Cupid because it was on VOLUNTEERS that Tom met his wife, Rita Wilson.
Hey, wait a minute. Maybe THAT should be a movie!!
We wrote the first draft five years earlier (so far this is a “typical” Hollywood story). The movie centers around a preppy Yalie who ducks a gambling debt and winds up in the Peace Corps. Hilarity ensues (at least on the page). Sergeant Shriver, then the head of the Peace Corp, read it and said it was like spiting on the flag. I knew we were onto something.
The producer asked whom we thought might be good to star and we suggested this guy who at the time was in BOSOM BUDDIES on ABC – Tom Hanks. The producer scoffed. Tom Hanks couldn’t get a movie made.
We were at the same agency as Tom so for grins and giggles we sent him the script anyway. He loved it but reluctantly agreed the producer was right.
Flash forward a few years. VOLUNTEERS has gone through two studios, two directors, and nine drafts. HBO/Tristar greenlights it. Time to look for stars.
Tom had just done SPLASH. It was a huge hit. He was the Will Ferrell-of-the-month. Offered every project in town. He couldn’t find anything he liked (even BACHELOR PARTY II). So he said to his agent he had read a project about the Peace Corps several years back. What about that one? The agent said he would try to track it down but without even knowing the title it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.
ONE HOUR LATER the agent gets a call from our producer. Would Tom be interested in a Peace Corps movie? The agent almost fell on the floor. He said to messenger it right away. We did. Tom skimmed it, recognized a Margaret Dumont joke we had in there, said “Yep, this is the one” and a half hour later the deal was closed.
Pretty cool, huh?
The person really responsible for making this deal happen was Cupid because it was on VOLUNTEERS that Tom met his wife, Rita Wilson.
Hey, wait a minute. Maybe THAT should be a movie!!
Sunday, February 5, 2006
Stuporbowl XL
I can’t remember a Superbowl that was greeted with more disinterest. And then lived up to its billing. Hard to say what was worse – the game or the commercials.
I knew we were in big trouble with the Dr. Seuss feature. That’s how ABC chose to introduce the Superbowl? With a kindergarten lesson? Who do I throw the green eggs and ham at?
I still can’t get used to Seattle being in the NFC.
Don’t feel sorry for all the bettors who lost a fortune. There’s some poor schmuck who now has a whole warehouse full of “Seahawks 2006 Superbowl Champions” t-shirts and baseball caps.
Every movie theatre in America was empty during the game except the ones showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
And to think I was worried that ESPN would have to pad during their 72 hours of Pre-Superbowl coverage. Happily, every feature was essential…like Linda Cohn interviewing the “Commissioner of Tailgating” and Kenny Mayne redeeming his journalistic credibility after appearing on DANCING WITH THE STARS by learning how to make the ultimate nachos from Martha Stewart. But my favorite was getting to actually watch the guy paint the NFL logo on the field. I smell an Emmy.
It was great seeing all the NFL Hall-of-Famers. There must’ve been maybe three knees between all forty of them.
Who’s now larger, Steeler lineman Casey Hampton, Aretha Franklin, or Stevie Wonder?
There were people crashing into things or animals in every single commercial.
Are all beer drinkers slacker idiots? That’s how they’re portrayed.
Bring back the Bud Bowl.
It’s what we all assumed – the Hummer is the illegitimate child of a dinosaur and a robot.
Al Michaels proved once again why he is the best sportscaster in America. Not only was he right on top of all the controversial plays and calls, he was able to explain them in a clear concise way.
On the other hand, unless you’re Bill Belichick does anyone know what the hell John Madden is talking about half the time? Nickel D’s and 2-4 zones, and bootlegs right. There has to be some middle ground between that and Dr. Seuss.
But I do applaud Madden for this: he made mention of Bill King, the longtime Oakland Raiders announcer who passed away last year. Games should only be as exciting as he called them.
Chris Berman is the Joan Rivers of football.
Suzy Kholber is the Melissa Rivers.
Unless Suzy Kholber has a costume malfunction there’s no earthly reason for her to be there.
Meanwhile, Bonnie Bernstein, the best sideline reporter of them all is being let go by CBS. She was smart, accurate, asked tough questions, and made it to the national level with that nose. I’m sure there are a lot of Jewish boys who use her picture for their screen saver. I hope Bonnie lands another network job soon.
Is there a sporting event in the world more anti-climactic than the NFL Pro Bowl? Why not just give these players their free trips to Hawaii and show the Juice Man informercial?
Worst commercials: the Pepsi brown and bubbly spots. Bring back Joanie Sommers! Brownandbubbly.com sounds like the website P. Diddy goes to to get his hookers.
I loved the Rolling Stones. Mick is ageless. Very natural hair dye color too. Couldn’t help but notice he left out the word “cum” in the line “You make a dead man….”
I hope ABC didn’t mind that baby boomers were watching.
Didn’t it seem like every other play set a new Superbowl record? Most catches in the first period: now five. Wow. That’s one record I thought would never be broken.
How about this for a record – the most boring first half ever?
I was happy for Jerome Bettis. Even if Pittsburgh had lost he would be retiring a champion. The fact that they won made it even sweeter.
We’re going to miss him. Bettis was very, well…brown and bubbly.
I knew we were in big trouble with the Dr. Seuss feature. That’s how ABC chose to introduce the Superbowl? With a kindergarten lesson? Who do I throw the green eggs and ham at?
I still can’t get used to Seattle being in the NFC.
Don’t feel sorry for all the bettors who lost a fortune. There’s some poor schmuck who now has a whole warehouse full of “Seahawks 2006 Superbowl Champions” t-shirts and baseball caps.
Every movie theatre in America was empty during the game except the ones showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.
And to think I was worried that ESPN would have to pad during their 72 hours of Pre-Superbowl coverage. Happily, every feature was essential…like Linda Cohn interviewing the “Commissioner of Tailgating” and Kenny Mayne redeeming his journalistic credibility after appearing on DANCING WITH THE STARS by learning how to make the ultimate nachos from Martha Stewart. But my favorite was getting to actually watch the guy paint the NFL logo on the field. I smell an Emmy.
It was great seeing all the NFL Hall-of-Famers. There must’ve been maybe three knees between all forty of them.
Who’s now larger, Steeler lineman Casey Hampton, Aretha Franklin, or Stevie Wonder?
There were people crashing into things or animals in every single commercial.
Are all beer drinkers slacker idiots? That’s how they’re portrayed.
Bring back the Bud Bowl.
It’s what we all assumed – the Hummer is the illegitimate child of a dinosaur and a robot.
Al Michaels proved once again why he is the best sportscaster in America. Not only was he right on top of all the controversial plays and calls, he was able to explain them in a clear concise way.
On the other hand, unless you’re Bill Belichick does anyone know what the hell John Madden is talking about half the time? Nickel D’s and 2-4 zones, and bootlegs right. There has to be some middle ground between that and Dr. Seuss.
But I do applaud Madden for this: he made mention of Bill King, the longtime Oakland Raiders announcer who passed away last year. Games should only be as exciting as he called them.
Chris Berman is the Joan Rivers of football.
Suzy Kholber is the Melissa Rivers.
Unless Suzy Kholber has a costume malfunction there’s no earthly reason for her to be there.
Meanwhile, Bonnie Bernstein, the best sideline reporter of them all is being let go by CBS. She was smart, accurate, asked tough questions, and made it to the national level with that nose. I’m sure there are a lot of Jewish boys who use her picture for their screen saver. I hope Bonnie lands another network job soon.
Is there a sporting event in the world more anti-climactic than the NFL Pro Bowl? Why not just give these players their free trips to Hawaii and show the Juice Man informercial?
Worst commercials: the Pepsi brown and bubbly spots. Bring back Joanie Sommers! Brownandbubbly.com sounds like the website P. Diddy goes to to get his hookers.
I loved the Rolling Stones. Mick is ageless. Very natural hair dye color too. Couldn’t help but notice he left out the word “cum” in the line “You make a dead man….”
I hope ABC didn’t mind that baby boomers were watching.
Didn’t it seem like every other play set a new Superbowl record? Most catches in the first period: now five. Wow. That’s one record I thought would never be broken.
How about this for a record – the most boring first half ever?
I was happy for Jerome Bettis. Even if Pittsburgh had lost he would be retiring a champion. The fact that they won made it even sweeter.
We’re going to miss him. Bettis was very, well…brown and bubbly.
Saturday, February 4, 2006
The "lost" CHEERS
The blog server was down for several hours Saturday. I really hate it when there’s a glitch in free services. It also did a whacky thing and deleted my Saturday post. Why it did that I have no idea but I've re-instated it. It's my "lost" post. And now another "lost" item, one far more rare and valuable --
It’s the “Lost scene of CHEERS”. My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)…
then never shown again..
I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. For the first time in 23 years, here’s the lost script of that scene.
Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both UPN and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm, the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot.
Enjoy, trivia buffs:
*****
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON
CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.
DIANE
Morning everyone.
EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.
DIANE
You boys are here early today.
NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.
CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.
CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.
SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.
DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.
CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.
PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.
PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.
SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.
CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.
PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.
SAM
Welcome to Cheers.
EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.
CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?
PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.
DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?
SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.
PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.
DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.
PETE
That’s right.
DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.
EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.
DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.
THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.
NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.
PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…
DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?
EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.
PETE
What’s going on?
NO REACTION.
PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?
EVERYONE
Cheers.
THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.
PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.
FADE OUT.
It’s the “Lost scene of CHEERS”. My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)…
then never shown again..
I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. For the first time in 23 years, here’s the lost script of that scene.
Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both UPN and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm, the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot.
Enjoy, trivia buffs:
*****
FADE IN:
INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON
CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.
DIANE
Morning everyone.
EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.
DIANE
You boys are here early today.
NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.
CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.
CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.
SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.
DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.
CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.
PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.
PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.
SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.
CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.
PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.
SAM
Welcome to Cheers.
EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.
CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?
PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.
DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?
SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.
PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.
DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.
PETE
That’s right.
DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.
EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.
DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.
THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.
NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.
PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…
DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?
EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.
PETE
What’s going on?
NO REACTION.
PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?
EVERYONE
Cheers.
THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.
PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.
FADE OUT.
S is for Santa Barbara
For some reaason when the blog server went down it deleted this post. Don't know why but here it is again.
In honor of the Santa Barbara Film Festival (playing in Santa Barbara) I thought I’d share one of my travelogues from a few summers ago.
****
With both kids away this summer (I forget where) my wife and I snuck off to Santa Barbara for a long weekend. Other than the speeding ticket and dropping my cell phone in a pool it was a wonderful trip. Santa Barbara has become the land of the "smart writers who got out and bought when prices were still affordable". Now one must go to Buelton. So all enjoyment this weekend was tempered with deep envy. Thus the perfect vacation for a Jew.
"Golden Girl" writers have gorgeous homes up there. But I shall not dwell.
Every structure in Santa Barbara is made of stucco. Every floor is tiled. Every hotel room has pictures of the mission. Maybe one in a gazillion tourists come up to Santa Barbara to see the friggin' mission.
Shacks are referred to as "cottages".
We stayed at the Inn at the Spanish Gardens. Lovely hotel. Not as nice as Bob Zemickis' guest house but still. Walking distance to State Street and in a perfect location. Down the block from the Council of Drug Prevention and Acoholism. Across the street from Legal Services. And around the corner from the Probation Department. It was the San Ysidro Ranch of Watts.
The town was jumping as was to be expected. All the guys looked like Ashton Kutcher or Grizzly Adams. All the women looked like Demi Moore or Ashton Kutcher.
The writers of "Hope and Gloria" have an amazing house in Montecito.
By the way, nothing against all of these writers. They're lovely people one and all, completely deserving of all good things. I just hate that they're all smarter than me.
Sue Grafton, the mystery author, lives up in Santa Barbara. And so, in following her lead....
S is for Sushi -- There are sushi restaurants on every block. Typical small town America.
I is for Informercial -- My favorite store in Santa Barbara is called "As Seen on TV". It offers all the dandy items you see on television that you order by phone. From Vegematics to that miracle foam thing you put between your knees when you're sleeping, they have it all. My favorite is the Jane Fonda treadmill with the great added feature that there's nothing to plug in. It uses no electricity. You generate the belt moving by yourself! Excuse me, but isn't that called "walking"??? You're paying $200 to walk??? Shouldn't it be called the "Jane Fonda Hamster Wheel"? I overheard a customer say "How does this place stay in business if you can return stuff because none of this crap actually works?"
O is the Oxyclean kit we bought.
W is for the Wizard Pancake maker (which also makes donuts at no extra cost).
R is for Rain -- It rained Saturday. First time in late July in Santa Barbara since the Pleistocene Era. But did real estate values go down?? Nooooo.
P is for Polically Incorrect -- Santa Barbara boasts the first (and now only) Sambos restaurant. Noted without comment....except...come on guys!!
E is for End of an Era -- the mask store on State Street is going out of business. Where will people who eat at Sambo's get their masks?
H is for Heist -- I saw an officer of the SBPD tooling around on a motorized scooter. If you want to rob a bank and your getaway vehicle isn't a Kia I'd seriously consider Santa Barbara. Or if you want to buy a house in Santa Barbara.
G is for Great Food -- The Palace Grill and Andersons.
J is for Jezaira -- our waitress on Saturday. Take the mesc AFTER you take our order.
M is for Mission -- Okay, we went to a mission after all. Gorgeous, impressive, truly majestic. No wait, that was our friends Dave & Sally's new house in Ojai.
N is for Nude Beaches -- they have them in Santa Barbara. Considering that most people I saw shouldn't wear shorts much less go naked I did not visit.
D is for Dumbshit Capitol of the World -- Solvang. Didn't visit there either.
Z is for Zorro -- who, as legend has it, bought his first mask at the mask store on State Street.
In honor of the Santa Barbara Film Festival (playing in Santa Barbara) I thought I’d share one of my travelogues from a few summers ago.
****
With both kids away this summer (I forget where) my wife and I snuck off to Santa Barbara for a long weekend. Other than the speeding ticket and dropping my cell phone in a pool it was a wonderful trip. Santa Barbara has become the land of the "smart writers who got out and bought when prices were still affordable". Now one must go to Buelton. So all enjoyment this weekend was tempered with deep envy. Thus the perfect vacation for a Jew.
"Golden Girl" writers have gorgeous homes up there. But I shall not dwell.
Every structure in Santa Barbara is made of stucco. Every floor is tiled. Every hotel room has pictures of the mission. Maybe one in a gazillion tourists come up to Santa Barbara to see the friggin' mission.
Shacks are referred to as "cottages".
We stayed at the Inn at the Spanish Gardens. Lovely hotel. Not as nice as Bob Zemickis' guest house but still. Walking distance to State Street and in a perfect location. Down the block from the Council of Drug Prevention and Acoholism. Across the street from Legal Services. And around the corner from the Probation Department. It was the San Ysidro Ranch of Watts.
The town was jumping as was to be expected. All the guys looked like Ashton Kutcher or Grizzly Adams. All the women looked like Demi Moore or Ashton Kutcher.
The writers of "Hope and Gloria" have an amazing house in Montecito.
By the way, nothing against all of these writers. They're lovely people one and all, completely deserving of all good things. I just hate that they're all smarter than me.
Sue Grafton, the mystery author, lives up in Santa Barbara. And so, in following her lead....
S is for Sushi -- There are sushi restaurants on every block. Typical small town America.
I is for Informercial -- My favorite store in Santa Barbara is called "As Seen on TV". It offers all the dandy items you see on television that you order by phone. From Vegematics to that miracle foam thing you put between your knees when you're sleeping, they have it all. My favorite is the Jane Fonda treadmill with the great added feature that there's nothing to plug in. It uses no electricity. You generate the belt moving by yourself! Excuse me, but isn't that called "walking"??? You're paying $200 to walk??? Shouldn't it be called the "Jane Fonda Hamster Wheel"? I overheard a customer say "How does this place stay in business if you can return stuff because none of this crap actually works?"
O is the Oxyclean kit we bought.
W is for the Wizard Pancake maker (which also makes donuts at no extra cost).
R is for Rain -- It rained Saturday. First time in late July in Santa Barbara since the Pleistocene Era. But did real estate values go down?? Nooooo.
P is for Polically Incorrect -- Santa Barbara boasts the first (and now only) Sambos restaurant. Noted without comment....except...come on guys!!
E is for End of an Era -- the mask store on State Street is going out of business. Where will people who eat at Sambo's get their masks?
H is for Heist -- I saw an officer of the SBPD tooling around on a motorized scooter. If you want to rob a bank and your getaway vehicle isn't a Kia I'd seriously consider Santa Barbara. Or if you want to buy a house in Santa Barbara.
G is for Great Food -- The Palace Grill and Andersons.
J is for Jezaira -- our waitress on Saturday. Take the mesc AFTER you take our order.
M is for Mission -- Okay, we went to a mission after all. Gorgeous, impressive, truly majestic. No wait, that was our friends Dave & Sally's new house in Ojai.
N is for Nude Beaches -- they have them in Santa Barbara. Considering that most people I saw shouldn't wear shorts much less go naked I did not visit.
D is for Dumbshit Capitol of the World -- Solvang. Didn't visit there either.
Z is for Zorro -- who, as legend has it, bought his first mask at the mask store on State Street.
Thursday, February 2, 2006
The best testing story EVER
But first – the current testing process and how it works.
I tell any producer that has a pilot – do not (repeat) DO NOT go to the testing session. Picture the George Clooney torture scene in SYRIANA. That’s what it’s like if your testing goes well.
An audience is recruited. Only people who need four tries to pass their written drivers license test are eligible. They file into a screening room, their knuckles dragging on the ground. The producers are on the other side of a two-way mirror. You scan the group. Tattoos, mouth breathers, no foreheads. You’ve worked for a year on this pilot and these are the people who will decide its fate. (It’s the Presidential election all over again.)
They’re each given remotes. As they watch your show they’re asked to twist a dial to indicate their level of interest and approval. Ten minutes are required to give these complicated instructions.
You see the ongoing graphs. Blue for boys. Pink for girls. A rising blue graph means you have a lot of tit jokes.
After the screening they’re divided into two groups depending on sex. I think they should be divided by species but that’s just me.
Each group is led into a conference room where a moderator questions them. You watch unseen. And now these people who have never in their lives been asked their opinions about anything suddenly become Tom Shayles. Even if they laughed uproariously at your pilot they now have problems with it. I think back to my recent pilot.
The girl with the nose ring hated the lead actress. Why? “She wore that red dress.” The guy with the SHIT HAPPENS T-shirt thought the lead guy was a weak character. Why? “He drove a Passat.” When a woman was asked what her favorite new show was she said COSBY. This was in 2004.
I somehow managed to drive home while in a fetal position.
I wouldn’t mind testing if networks didn’t place such a reliance on it. If it was just used as a tool, another form of input (like studio audiences) that would be fine. Even welcomed. But all too often it’s not. All too often it’s the determining factor.
And even that would be okay except for one thing – they’re usually wrong!!! EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT (yanked after one airing) tested well. STACKED tested well (duh!). Every cancelled show had high test scores. I dunno. There’s got to be a better way.
****
Okay, now the best testing story ever.
In 1939 the movie NINOTCHKA (directed by Ersnt Lutitsch, written by Billy Wilder & Charles Brackett) was being tested in a theatre in Long Beach. Following the screening the audience was asked to fill out comment cards. Lubitsch and Wilder were reading the cards in the back of the limo on their way home. Lubitsch read one and burst out laughing. He showed it to Wilder. It said:
“This movie was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost peed into my girlfriend’s hand”.
I tell any producer that has a pilot – do not (repeat) DO NOT go to the testing session. Picture the George Clooney torture scene in SYRIANA. That’s what it’s like if your testing goes well.
An audience is recruited. Only people who need four tries to pass their written drivers license test are eligible. They file into a screening room, their knuckles dragging on the ground. The producers are on the other side of a two-way mirror. You scan the group. Tattoos, mouth breathers, no foreheads. You’ve worked for a year on this pilot and these are the people who will decide its fate. (It’s the Presidential election all over again.)
They’re each given remotes. As they watch your show they’re asked to twist a dial to indicate their level of interest and approval. Ten minutes are required to give these complicated instructions.
You see the ongoing graphs. Blue for boys. Pink for girls. A rising blue graph means you have a lot of tit jokes.
After the screening they’re divided into two groups depending on sex. I think they should be divided by species but that’s just me.
Each group is led into a conference room where a moderator questions them. You watch unseen. And now these people who have never in their lives been asked their opinions about anything suddenly become Tom Shayles. Even if they laughed uproariously at your pilot they now have problems with it. I think back to my recent pilot.
The girl with the nose ring hated the lead actress. Why? “She wore that red dress.” The guy with the SHIT HAPPENS T-shirt thought the lead guy was a weak character. Why? “He drove a Passat.” When a woman was asked what her favorite new show was she said COSBY. This was in 2004.
I somehow managed to drive home while in a fetal position.
I wouldn’t mind testing if networks didn’t place such a reliance on it. If it was just used as a tool, another form of input (like studio audiences) that would be fine. Even welcomed. But all too often it’s not. All too often it’s the determining factor.
And even that would be okay except for one thing – they’re usually wrong!!! EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT (yanked after one airing) tested well. STACKED tested well (duh!). Every cancelled show had high test scores. I dunno. There’s got to be a better way.
****
Okay, now the best testing story ever.
In 1939 the movie NINOTCHKA (directed by Ersnt Lutitsch, written by Billy Wilder & Charles Brackett) was being tested in a theatre in Long Beach. Following the screening the audience was asked to fill out comment cards. Lubitsch and Wilder were reading the cards in the back of the limo on their way home. Lubitsch read one and burst out laughing. He showed it to Wilder. It said:
“This movie was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost peed into my girlfriend’s hand”.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
Ruffled Peacock feathers
Or "how I caused a MAJOR shitstorm at NBC".
In 1974 I worked in the research department of NBC. We were in the process of testing that year’s pilots. It was not a good batch. FRAUD SQUAD starring Frank Sinatra Jr., (to this day I believe the worst testing show in history. Not only did the audience not like Frank Sinatra Jr. as the head of the LAPD Fraud Squad, they felt he was dishonest), DOCTOR DOMINGO with Desi Arnaz (trading in Lucy for a talking parrot), the BOB CRANE SHOW (Crane goes back to college, coeds beware), etc. NBC was in a big slump and their development slate was a pack of dogs.
One night during this testing period NBC aired a MOW called “A Case of Rape” starring Elizabeth Montgomery. It got huge numbers. So as a goof I wrote an internal memo to the research department recommending NBC do this as a weekly series.
Well, somehow the memo got out and was released to all department heads including the President of the network, Marvin Antonowsky. He was known as the “Mad Programmer”. Probably that incident is how he got his name. Marvin went bat shit. I was summoned to his office to make a formal apology. Wisely, I did not take that opportunity to drop off my spec script.
My tenure at NBC ended a couple of weeks later when I got a disc jockey job in Detroit. And that ended my venture into the corporate world. But who knows? If I didn’t make that faux pas maybe I would have risen up through the ranks. After 33 years I bet I'd be Vice President of Children’s Programming today.
In 1974 I worked in the research department of NBC. We were in the process of testing that year’s pilots. It was not a good batch. FRAUD SQUAD starring Frank Sinatra Jr., (to this day I believe the worst testing show in history. Not only did the audience not like Frank Sinatra Jr. as the head of the LAPD Fraud Squad, they felt he was dishonest), DOCTOR DOMINGO with Desi Arnaz (trading in Lucy for a talking parrot), the BOB CRANE SHOW (Crane goes back to college, coeds beware), etc. NBC was in a big slump and their development slate was a pack of dogs.
One night during this testing period NBC aired a MOW called “A Case of Rape” starring Elizabeth Montgomery. It got huge numbers. So as a goof I wrote an internal memo to the research department recommending NBC do this as a weekly series.
Well, somehow the memo got out and was released to all department heads including the President of the network, Marvin Antonowsky. He was known as the “Mad Programmer”. Probably that incident is how he got his name. Marvin went bat shit. I was summoned to his office to make a formal apology. Wisely, I did not take that opportunity to drop off my spec script.
My tenure at NBC ended a couple of weeks later when I got a disc jockey job in Detroit. And that ended my venture into the corporate world. But who knows? If I didn’t make that faux pas maybe I would have risen up through the ranks. After 33 years I bet I'd be Vice President of Children’s Programming today.
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