Stuporbowl XL

I can’t remember a Superbowl that was greeted with more disinterest. And then lived up to its billing. Hard to say what was worse – the game or the commercials.

I knew we were in big trouble with the Dr. Seuss feature. That’s how ABC chose to introduce the Superbowl? With a kindergarten lesson? Who do I throw the green eggs and ham at?

I still can’t get used to Seattle being in the NFC.

Don’t feel sorry for all the bettors who lost a fortune. There’s some poor schmuck who now has a whole warehouse full of “Seahawks 2006 Superbowl Champions” t-shirts and baseball caps.

Every movie theatre in America was empty during the game except the ones showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

And to think I was worried that ESPN would have to pad during their 72 hours of Pre-Superbowl coverage. Happily, every feature was essential…like Linda Cohn interviewing the “Commissioner of Tailgating” and Kenny Mayne redeeming his journalistic credibility after appearing on DANCING WITH THE STARS by learning how to make the ultimate nachos from Martha Stewart. But my favorite was getting to actually watch the guy paint the NFL logo on the field. I smell an Emmy.

It was great seeing all the NFL Hall-of-Famers. There must’ve been maybe three knees between all forty of them.

Who’s now larger, Steeler lineman Casey Hampton, Aretha Franklin, or Stevie Wonder?

There were people crashing into things or animals in every single commercial.

Are all beer drinkers slacker idiots? That’s how they’re portrayed.

Bring back the Bud Bowl.

It’s what we all assumed – the Hummer is the illegitimate child of a dinosaur and a robot.

Al Michaels proved once again why he is the best sportscaster in America. Not only was he right on top of all the controversial plays and calls, he was able to explain them in a clear concise way.

On the other hand, unless you’re Bill Belichick does anyone know what the hell John Madden is talking about half the time? Nickel D’s and 2-4 zones, and bootlegs right. There has to be some middle ground between that and Dr. Seuss.

But I do applaud Madden for this: he made mention of Bill King, the longtime Oakland Raiders announcer who passed away last year. Games should only be as exciting as he called them.

Chris Berman is the Joan Rivers of football.

Suzy Kholber is the Melissa Rivers.

Unless Suzy Kholber has a costume malfunction there’s no earthly reason for her to be there.

Meanwhile, Bonnie Bernstein, the best sideline reporter of them all is being let go by CBS. She was smart, accurate, asked tough questions, and made it to the national level with that nose. I’m sure there are a lot of Jewish boys who use her picture for their screen saver. I hope Bonnie lands another network job soon.

Is there a sporting event in the world more anti-climactic than the NFL Pro Bowl? Why not just give these players their free trips to Hawaii and show the Juice Man informercial?

Worst commercials: the Pepsi brown and bubbly spots. Bring back Joanie Sommers! Brownandbubbly.com sounds like the website P. Diddy goes to to get his hookers.

I loved the Rolling Stones. Mick is ageless. Very natural hair dye color too. Couldn’t help but notice he left out the word “cum” in the line “You make a dead man….”

I hope ABC didn’t mind that baby boomers were watching.

Didn’t it seem like every other play set a new Superbowl record? Most catches in the first period: now five. Wow. That’s one record I thought would never be broken.

How about this for a record – the most boring first half ever?

I was happy for Jerome Bettis. Even if Pittsburgh had lost he would be retiring a champion. The fact that they won made it even sweeter.

We’re going to miss him. Bettis was very, well…brown and bubbly.