King Long

Saw KING KONG last night. On television it will be called SURVIVOR: SKULL ISLAND.

Warning: plot points you already know from the original are revealed.

I was so geeked to see it based on the trailer, reviews, and guarantee that Celine Dion did not sing the title song.

What movie did the reviewers see? It was at least an hour too long. The first hour. Wait for the DVD, skip to “they arrive” and start there, keeping your finger on the ff button at all times. Trust me, by the giant insects you’ll be pressing it as if it were a morphine drip.

We were told this was Peter Jackson’s homage to movies. We weren’t told it was his homage to all of them.

Some of the special effects were excellent. Others looked like PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE.

The gorilla had more expressions than Jack Black.

Naomi Watts was good in a very thankless role. A beautiful blonde always in peril, tossed around like a rag doll for two hours – it was like O.J.’s ultimate masturbatory dream.

Great dialogue: “It was beauty that killed the beast”.

The big finale sequence takes place in New York on a snowy night. Kong is on Broadway. Ethel Merman will doubtless step in when the show goes on tour. Kong breaks free, kills many theatre goers (since it was opening night we can only hope he whacked a few critics), and storms out into Times Square. Naomi Watts appears, fortifying herself against the bitter cold with a sheer white gown and heels. Okay, I buy that because in moments she’s wrapped in the world’s biggest fur. From there it’s on to the Empire State building where fortunately Tom Hanks is not rendezvousing with Meg Ryan. The planes come, he dies, and you think “three fucking hours for THIS??” At least let him fight Godzilla or Rocky Balboa.

Wait for cable. Or ipod.

And please, I pray that Ang Lee’s favorite movie growing up wasn’t MIGHT JOE YOUNG.