Join me at the water cooler

In the past I’ve reviewed the Golden Globes. But this year (a) I just don’t give a shit, and (b) 24 was on. I’m more concerned with what happens to Jack Bauer than Jake Gyllenhall.

Didn’t you love the 4 hour premiere explosion-fest? I hope President Palmer had Allstate life insurance. And Michelle had car and life insurance.

Now they’ve just stopped TRYING to approximate how long it takes to get anywhere. Mojave to downtown LA in twenty minutes – during 7 AM rush hour? And LA to Ontario Airport in 12 minutes? You can’t fly there that fast. Why not just “beam” Jack from place to place now?

Could they have found a President who looks more like Nixon? And acts more like Bush? Who needs a mole in the White House when the President is that vain and petulant and stupid?

And it’s great to see every family’s embarrassing “Aunt Carol” as the First Lady. Or was she modeled after Martha Mitchell?

What a break for the Channel 11 newscasters. John Beard, Steve Edwards, the weather guy – they all got to play parts. I was expecting Dorothy Lucey to report on the “lighter side of terrorism”.

So much for my theory that Chloe would be a lot less uptight if she ever got laid.

Sean Astin has gotten big. He COULD play football for Notre Dame these days.

Now Michelle can appear as a patient on HOUSE. “Teri”, Jack’s slain ex appeared as a bag lady that died in that show too. And evil “Nina” was a patient shortly thereafter. At the end of that episode she asked House why he had risked his career to save her. What I wanted him to say was “Because you and I have something in common. We both killed Jack’s wife.”

And I know as a TV writer I’m nailing my own coffin but I admit it, I love AMERICAN IDOL. I’m looking forward to the new season. Especially the auditions. It helps me understand Bush being President when I can see the people who elected him.

I’m starting an office pool. Which contestant will Paula sleep with this year? “Congratulations. You’re going to Paula-wood.”

Re last season: So much for my theory that Paula would be a lot less stupid if she ever got laid.

Ryan Seacrest is taking on so many gigs (including hosting an unfathomable ten hours of Golden Globes pre-show nonsense on E!) that I’m surprised he didn’t star in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN too.

Quick aside: E! TELEVISION should change their name to the GET A LIFE channel.

Quick aside #2: Going around the internet – alternate titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. My favorite: YOU HAD ME AT HOWDY.