What's Howard Stern doing right this minute?

I love satellite radio. I can blissfully listen for hours without ever hearing “You’re mattress is freeeeeeee”, Skip & Steve, and “this is a Clear Channel station”. Terrestrial stations boast “12 in a row”. Well how about “12,000 in a row”? All for the monthly cost of one ticket to a Queen Latifah movie.

I have XM. Sirius is pretty much the same except Howard Stern will bankrupt them. XM has Major League Baseball which is the big draw for me. Vin Scully vs. Robin Quivers? Talk about a no brainer. (of course so is pneumatic drill vs. Robin Quivers).

To get the most from their big investments, XM and Sirius both are devoting a lot of time and channels to these premiere attractions.

In addition to all the MLB play-by-play, XM also offers a 24/7 baseball talk station. Fine during the season but what the hell do you talk about the other five months…24 hours a day?

“Curt Schilling update: his ankle is still healing. The lines are open. Let’s talk about it…for the next seven hours.”

Forget the players, the hosts need steroids just to get through those shifts.

But their job is cake compared to the team of eight (yes, EIGHT) poor newscasters who have to anchor…

HOWARD 100 NEWS on Sirius.

These former actual journalists must fill four hours a DAY with news about (and only about) Howard Stern.

“Curt Schilling’s ankle is still healing. How will it affect Howard? Let’s go to Julie for this live report.”

WHO GIVES A FUCK???!!!

I’ve always liked and admired Howard Stern. Even way back in Detroit when we were jocks on competing stations (He on W4 and me on WDRQ – “W-Dreck” as I used to aptly call it). I haven’t heard the show but I have to assume it’s a goof. It is a goof, right? Please? Still, those newscasters have to see GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK and want to kill themselves.

And this news (?) show follows a post-game wrap up of Howard’s show and precedes more analysis of the day’s program by (are you ready?)…his parents. (What, Ryan Seacrest didn’t apply?)

Come on! There has to be SOMETHING better Sirius could program. Something not trivial. Something substantial, important, relevant, informative, entertaining -- something the public would really want to hear the remaining sixteen hours a day. Something like….

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY 100 NEWS.