The latest ODDS

Back by popular demand – another segment from the failed pilot David Isaacs and I wrote a few years ago called ODDS. The setting is an all-night diner off the Vegas strip, catering exclusively to locals and hotel employees.

Chris is the owner. He’s also the chef. Tara is the Britney Spears impersonator. Jeff is the bad comic who is always “on”. And Dave is the disgruntled blackjack dealer-minister.

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INT. DINER – NIGHT

DAVE IS MARRYING A YOUNG COUPLE IN THE B.G. CHRIS IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. JEFF SIPS COFFEE. TARA (IN REVEALING TRASHY COSTUME) ENTERS.

TARA
Congratulate me. I just completed my one-thousandth performance as “the legend” Britney Spears.

CHRIS
Congratulations, Tara. What would you like?

TARA
A gun. (THEN) Do you know how hard it is to impersonate someone you know you’re better than?

JEFF
I had the same problem with my act. I went through my Jay Leno period, my Jerry Seinfeld, my Judy Tenuta. In the end you’ve got to be yourself… But if I don’t make it in the next three years I’m getting a sledgehammer and a friggin’ watermelon and I’m “Gallagher II”.

TARA
Where did I go wrong? I was always the most talented, the “can’t miss girl”. Now I’m Britney Spears every night and I’ve totally compromised my career. (THEN, BRIGHTENING) Oh. Oh. I’ve found a townhouse out by Lake Las Vegas. View, patio. If I play Britney at conventions and bar mitzvahs I can make the down payment.

CHRIS
If you and the girl who plays Madonna put out an underground video you could own the whole complex.

THE WEDDING CONCLUDES AND DAVE JOINS THEM AT THE COUNTER.

DAVE
Well, I’ve just sent two more people to their doom. Thanks, Chris, I’ll have the chapel back tomorrow.

TARA
What happened?

DAVE
Aw, you know, the usual. Jealous ex-boyfriend drove his pickup through the stained glass window. I’m thinking of getting one of those terrorist barriers.

JEFF
How many of your couples do you think make it?

DAVE
It’s hard to tell. I do find that alcoholics seem to last. But it could be that I’m just a romantic.

TARA
You marry people all night. You deal blackjack all day. When do you sleep?

DAVE
Never. But I drive a Jag. Thank God for Vegas. Imagine being an insomniac in Salt Lake City?

JEFF
I don’t think there are any. That town would put anyone to sleep.

HE LAUGHS. NO ONE ELSE DOES. NO ONE ELSE EVER DOES.

DAVE
One of these days someone’s going to storm the stage and beat you to death with your microphone.

JEFF
(SMUG) That’s why I wear a wireless, my friend.