Hot town, summer in the city

It’s travelogue time again. Here’s last week’s New York portion of my east coast summer:

Summer travel is now officially an ordeal. Security checks at major airports are not only nightmares but I feel even less safe. If only, instead of that jerk hiding a knife in his shoe in Paris it was a woman who concealed a knife in her bra. Then we men could keep our shoes on and all women would have to take off their bras.

I’m in Manhattan twelve hours a brownstone blows up fifteen blocks from me. A disgruntled husband, a doctor from Translyvania, who was so angry having to give up the building to his wife in a divorce settlement that he blew it up. Hours before he left his ex a message that read “You will go from gold digger to rubbish digger…I always told you: ‘I will leave the house if I’m dead.’” New York’s finest is still looking for other suspects.

Headline in the NY DAILY NEWS: DR. DOOM!!!

Next day’s headline in the NY POST: “HONEY, I BLEW UP THE HOME!”

*******

Snatches of cellphone conversations overheard while walking the streets on the Upper East Side:

MAN: “I dunno, then give him Novacaine.”

SOMEWHAT DISTRAUGHT 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN: He peed on me! (I hope that was her dog or baby)

LITTLE MIDDLE AGED LADY: “Well, it’s not my concrete.”

WOMAN: “You don’t fuck the landlord. EVERYONE knows that!”

******

If you run out of mayonnaise I found the place to go – Gentiles Fine Food on Madison at 79th.

The theatre scene includes SLEEPING BEAUTY, TARZAN, and LION KING. I’m holding out for THE MIGHTY DUCKS: THE MUSICAL.

Stopped in at the Museum of Modern Art. This was new behavior: people taking cellphone snapshots of the paintings…and then moving on to another gallery…without stopping to even LOOK at the paintings. I guess the way to really appreciate Monet’s mural length Water Lilies is on a four inch screen.

I couldn’t walk a block without encountering scaffolding. And yet I never saw a single worker.

On Wednesday the weather was hot, muggy, stifling, and stagnant. People were going down into the subway for relief.

Pedestrians do not have the right of way. If you’re in the crosswalk when the light turns green you are pavement pizza.

The new Apple store across from what-once-was the Plaza Hotel is a marvel to behold. From the street all you see is an enormous stunning glass cube encasing the white Apple logo. The actual store (open 24 hours because when you have a craving for a new ipod you have to have it right NOW) is below ground and has become quite the singles pick-up scene. You can meet somebody, excuse yourself for a second, and quickly check him out on MySpace.

Saw SPRING AWAKENING, a powerful, very erotic, and disturbing look at puberty and sexuality. It goes without saying it was a musical. It’s set in 1890 Germany so naturally everyone ends up either dead or miserable.

In utter contrast, the next day I saw HAIRSPRAY, which dealt with the issue of winning a TV dance contest. One of our stars from the 60’s PROJECT, Andrew Rannells, was one of the leads. He was neat-o keen-o as was pop icon, Darlene Love. They’ve now had so many cast changes that they’re one move away from Mike Ditka playing the Harvey Firestein role.

New Broadway policy: ticket holders stand in a long line while their purses and bags are checked. In the case of MAMA MIA they’re not worried terrorists will plant a bomb. Their concern is that discriminating theatre goers will.

Upper West Side: Hookers -- $40.
Upper East Side: Tuna tartare appetizers -- $40.

At least that’s what it cost at Nellos on Madison Avenue. At that outrageous price they should throw in the hooker…and a ticket to HAIRSPRAY.

When you need a cab in Manhattan there are either a thousand of them available or none. Mostly none.

Best bargain and some of the best Italian food in NY: Ralph’s at 56th and 9th. As my friend Howard, who tipped me to it, said: “50’s atmosphere, 60’s portions, 70’s prices”. Molto bene and ring-a-ding-ding!

More NY POST: In a recent edition Christie Brinkley’s affair with a teenager was the top headline. The Israeli War got second billing.

Player endorsements is one thing, but during a recent Mets telecast on Channel 11, David Wright of the Amazins’, in uniform, was pitch man for a miracle worker revival show, the kind where people throw down their crutches and walk. If this guy is so good how come Pedro Martinez is still on the Disabled List?

I miss WCBS-FM. JERSEY BOYS wins the Tony for Best Musical yet not one New York radio station will play the Four Seasons.

On to the Goodspeed Theatre, hoping what they say isn’t true – that there’s a broken heart for every street lamp in Chester, Connecticut.