Review: SUPERMAN RETURNS

If you want to hear me and Elayne Boosler co-host the Stephanie Miller Show on Mon and Tues and there's no affiliate in your area, you can listen by going to http://wavz.com/main.html. At some point I'll be giving my review of SUPERMAN RETURNS. It'll sound a little bit like this:

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The first three hours of SUPERMAN RETURNS were pretty good. The last two were unnecessary.

In this version Superman had two secret identities – Clark Kent and Jesus Christ. We got the analogy.

It was very exciting and well made but I couldn’t stop thinking -- $250 million dollars, nine or ten scripts, four or five directors for THIS??

They should have gotten Brad Bird to write this. Everything SUPERMAN RETURNS did wrong he did right in THE INCREDIBLES.

This was the graceful Superman. The Man of Steel and Ballet.

Kate Bosworth was the stupidest Lois Lane EVER (which is saying something considering Margot Kidder wandered through people’s backyards for days not knowing who she was). As I’m sure you’re aware from all the articles, Superman returns after a five year absence. And amazingly, so does Clark Kent…on the same day. Yet ace reporter Lois Lane sees absolutely no connection. (Sidebar: If you’re dumb enough to buy Teri Hatcher’s book you realize you’re getting life lessons from Lois Lane?)

When you can finally buy the DVD of this (probably on Thursday) it might be fun to play the drinking game every time Lois hits her head against something.

Maybe the world didn’t miss Superman for the five years he was gone because we have Jack Bauer.

The flying effects were great. But it’s still wrong to not have that whistling wind whoosh when Superman streaks across the sky.

I missed Gene Hackman.

Brandon Routh makes Dean Cain look edgy.

George Reeves is the Sean Connery of Supermen.

Director Bryan Singer said there was an in-depth discussion during pre-production on the size of the hero’s “package”. My question to Mr. Singer: On this movie or all your movies? And the pilot of HOUSE?

Why would ANYONE want to live in Metroplis? Jesus. A day doesn’t go by when there’s not at least one disaster. That town would break FEMA in a month. And the citizens must now be used to them because no one ever heads for cover, no one ever panics, people continue dining at sidewalk cafes even though a car or airplane is hurtling right for them. (Sidebar #2: If Superman landed a plane in Wrigley Field during a Cubs game that Harry Caray was calling here’s how it would have sounded:

HARRY: Time called for a moment, there seems to be a hot dog wrapper on the field.

STEVE STONE: No, Harry, that’s a jumbo jetliner.

HARRY: Holy cow! Well, while the groundscrew removes it, why not head to the kitchen and pop the top off an ice cold Budweiser? You sure that’s not just the tarp, Steve?

STEVE STONE: No, Harry. It’s a plane.

Every article I’ve read about the movie stresses the love story and the emotionally troubled Superman – all wonderful values to have in a film. But the truth is this: Us Superman fans don’t give a shit about that. Just get to the action.

Why doesn’t anyone ever call the Child Protection Agency and blow the whistle on Joan Crawford-worthy mom, Lois Lane? She puts her kid in harm’s way every fifteen minutes.

Even a dead Marlon Brando is better than most live actors today.

I love that Noel Neill and Jack Larson (Lois & Jimmy from the TV series) had cameos. And my neighbor, Eva Marie Saint (although she had nothing to do).

If Kevin Spacey really wanted to kill Superman he would force him to watch BEYOND THE SEA.

For a flashback segment (which wasn’t needed at all) they spent untold millions to build a whole farm and cornfield in Australia when they just as easily could have used any fifteen minutes from SMALLVILLE.

The most exciting five minutes of the night was the SPIDERMAN 3 trailer.

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SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON:

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If Superman were really wheeled into a hospital he’d be stopped at the door and asked to provide proof of health insurance.

Lois Lane gets into the hospital to see Superman but his mother has to stand outside with the crowd?

In the hospital, they can’t hang up Superman’s suit. They just have to drape it over a chair? Was Superman in a Kaiser hospital?

When Lois sees all those wigs I thought she had stumbled into Carl Reiner’s bathroom.

You’d think Superman would be smart enough to put a lock on his Fortress of Solitude. If not Lex Luther, there has to at least be Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by.

When Superman lands back on earth at the beginning of the movie, did he arrive in a spaceship again? Where did he get it? And why did he need it? Is Kansas a no-fly zone?

With those crystals I thought initially that Lex Luthor’s insidious plan to achieve world domination involved opening a New Age store.

I guess this movie disproves the theory that you can’t tug on Superman’s cape. Even Mr. Rogers would have gone medieval if Lex tortured him the way he did Superman.

The last twenty minutes totally petered out. And I’m sorry, I don’t care what his moral code is, if Superman doesn’t KILL Lex Luthor, and by that I mean rip out his entrails, smash him against a wall, set him on fire, and slit his throat with a razor sharp 45 of Mack the Knife then the movie doesn’t have a satisfying ending.

But SPIDERMAN 3 looks REALLY cool!!